[bluffman]

Hi

Im 37 and its only now that the whole adoptee thing is tormenting me.

I made contact 12 years ago when i thought it was a good idea. My bMother turned out to be a whole bFamily. I was a sectret teenage pregnancy.

They are all really lovely people. But within weeks of making contact i was stressed to the point of cracking up. (i didnt tell my family and the dread of the bubble being burst was all consuming)

I did tell a couple of close friends who just stared at me blankly. Useless! (I dont think people see me as somebody who has issues)

I moved, new number, address and now beyond reach.
The guilty feelings for that were crushing and i developed a pot habit.

10 years later i grew too old to be stoned all the time. 6 months later i made contact again, but its really sporadic. as i keep my distance.
My mother (aMother) is a fruitcake; insecure, nervous, cynical about the world and everyone in it. She never likes anybody except for an unhealthy reverence for old style posh people. My Father never wanted to be there since i was about 6 or 7. But THEY are my family and i love with all my heart....
My aFamily turn out to be really down to earth and i see myself so clearly in them.

I initially researched this when i recognised i had abandonment issues (i avoid close relationships like the plague).

I dont know what to do, I am a tormented soul. I cant roll the clock back, i will never tell my aFamily. This has ruined my adult life.

Does anybody else wish they had never open the box?

[Amandak249]

I'm a 23 year old adoptee..and yes. Sometimes I wonder

"What the HECK was I thinking?"

Other times I know that I could not have continued living my life without "knowing."

A painful reality, in my opinion, is often better than a blissful dream.

[ocracoke]

No, I don't regret searching. I found 5 siblings (all adopted into other families) and a birth mom. One sister is in jail, one sister said terrible things about me, one brother is a mess, and 2 brothers are normal people. My bio mom was a basket case, living in lalaland type of person. I searched about 15 years ago and she died about 5 years ago. I cut off contact with her about 6 months after contacting because she was unable to face reality. I do not ever regret searching. It may not have been pretty but it is reality. My reality. I would rather know then wonder.

Samantha

[KittyMay]

No, I don't regret searching, I feel very close with my bmom, but she's a doormat for everyone else and that is a potential problem for me. I'd do it all over again and again, as I wanted to "know". I'm curious now if anyone has ever backed away because of issue's not relating directly to a birthparent, but issue's surrounding the accompying family surrounding them? Perhaps I'm just having an off day...Thanks

[ripples]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

A painful reality, in my opinion, is often better than a blissful dream.

Hi bluffman,
By opening the door and searching, it appears that you've unleashed a whole pile of pain, loss, torment, guilt, abandonment issues, etc; And it sounds that to make matters worse, you have little support around you when you reach out for help (eg. your friends just stared blankly) - and that would suck, if it were me in your shoes.

I can certainly relate to your experience and there are times I wish that those feelings would go away - a part of me wishes that I could just stick my head back in the sand.

I'm wondering why you don't want to tell your aFamily? I'm not saying you should, but perhaps some of them might be surprisingly supportive? I highly recommend trying to find support - either a counsellor/therapist, pastor, support group, there are local USA resources listed here http://forums.adoption.com/arizona-local-adoption/ and Post-Adoption Support Groups -

And in answer to your question do I regret searching? Despite all the pain I went (and am still going) through, I don't regret my search and agree with what Amandak249 wrote about preferring a painful reality to a blissful dream.

In the meantime, the people on these forums I've found to be an invaluable source of support and hope you will too.

[megsmile31]

I often went back and forth regarding my search and locating my birthmother. Basically because she was not at all what I expected -- nothing like the fairytale story I had in my mind. For me, learning that I had been conceived of rape was the hardest pill for me to swallow. I've known her now for over 20 years, and most often, when I've really needed to talk, she's always been there to listen. Although she still does not feel like "mom", I treasure our friendship. I know that because of her pain, I am alive today, and will always be thankful.

I, like many others, don't know if I could have lived my life without the answers to my questions. Also, no matter how strange or different our birthfamilies may feel, they are a part of our past and our heritage. I think it is important to know those things. It somehow makes you feel like everyone elses.... the knowledge of where you came from.

Right now, I am in a tough place as a birthmother, and my reunion with my bdaughter has brought up a lot of hurt from the past. I'm working it through. Even though it's difficult, I'm glad to know that she is alive and well.... again, I don't know how it would have been to never know.

Adoption is such a funny thing.... we can "What if" it to death, analyze our feelings, try desperately to make sense of it, long to connect in some intimate way with our birth families, but in the end, I believe everything happens for a reason. All the good and all the bad. None of us would be the people we are today if we hadn't been touched by adoption, and all that it entails.

[Amandak249]

I'm curious now if anyone has ever backed away because of issue's not relating directly to a birthparent, but issue's surrounding the accompying family surrounding them?

OH YES. My biggest problems with my birthfamily stem from my little birth sister , who is INSANELY jealous and overall just a terrible person. And my paternal birthgrandmother- who was not told of my existence until the day after I was born. She is still upset about that- and comes from an era that believes "adoptions should be closed to maintain privacy."

She tried to have a relationship with me, but my birthsister's protestations ( my birthsister is her FAVORITE) sent her over the edge and I haven't heard from her in years ( though I faithfully send her a birthday card.)


Adoption affects everyone in a family. I don't see my adoption as merely relinquishment on the part of my birthparents- but as the ENTIRE family casting me out.

I had aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and siblings- all of whom allowed my birthparents to place me. No one stood up for me, no one demanded that I stay in the family. I was given up by my birthFAMILY- not merely my birth parents.


I have dealt with this for 10 years and it has truly jaded me a little. Their meddling, their old and resurfaced issues, created a LOT of tension in my relationship with my birthparents, particularly my birthfather. It is very painful- but just like everything else in regards to my adoption- I get through it.

[epenn922]

My story is most adoptee's biggest fear -- I'm a product of rape. Yet, I don't regret knowing. I don't regret reaching out.

My bmom has publicly called me names and accused me of stalking. She says publicly that me finding her was the worst day of her life next to the rape. (Surrendering me didn't seem difficult though. It was her adult daughters findng out the I exist that was the tragedy -- okay....whatever)

Even with all of that, I'm still okay that I know -- if that makes sense. I know that my heart was absolutely pure when I searched for her and my birthfather. I never did anything to intentionally hurt her. If you can look yourself in the mirror and be okay with your intentions, maybe say a prayer, feel the fear and do what you need to do.

Elaine

[megsmile31]

Originally Posted by epenn922

My story is most adoptee's biggest fear -- I'm a product of rape. Yet, I don't regret knowing. I don't regret reaching out.

Elaine,
I know exactly how that feels and it is a really hard thing to accept. But it just goes to show that even the worst possible thing can bring about the best outcome.

Because of two rapists, you and I are both alive today and able to love, laugh and contribute to those we love.

There is so much irony in that and I believe it makes us even more special!!

I too am glad that I know, even though it wasn't my fairytale.

Hugs,
Megsmile

[epenn922]

Megsmile -- I am nodding as I read your response. It kinda feels like we've faced the worst and made it thru. And my fairytale probably would've involved WonderWoman coming to save me (costume and all) -- lol!

Elaine

[KittyMay]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

OH YES. My biggest problems with my birthfamily stem from my little birth sister , who is INSANELY jealous and overall just a terrible person. And my paternal birthgrandmother- who was not told of my existence until the day after I was born. She is still upset about that- and comes from an era that believes "adoptions should be closed to maintain privacy."

She tried to have a relationship with me, but my birthsister's protestations ( my birthsister is her FAVORITE) sent her over the edge and I haven't heard from her in years ( though I faithfully send her a birthday card.)


Adoption affects everyone in a family. I don't see my adoption as merely relinquishment on the part of my birthparents- but as the ENTIRE family casting me out.

I had aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and siblings- all of whom allowed my birthparents to place me. No one stood up for me, no one demanded that I stay in the family. I was given up by my birthFAMILY- not merely my birth parents.


I have dealt with this for 10 years and it has truly jaded me a little. Their meddling, their old and resurfaced issues, created a LOT of tension in my relationship with my birthparents, particularly my birthfather. It is very painful- but just like everything else in regards to my adoption- I get through it.

Amandak249, Thank you for your candid response. I have finally after all these years figured out the emotion that has been nagging at me inside. No one demanded that I stay in my family, I was given up by my birthfamily(not that I had a bad life, I have great parents). But everyone did know about me, and my bmom, being 15 or 16 at the time just went along with it all (I don't blame her in the least....she was just a kid herself). But something bothered me about it all, it was exactly what you said....I just couldn't put the words to it until you wrote your response. I'm glad you are able to get through it, so will I, but it still hurts. To this day since I was little, I always disliked social workers. I am finally coming to terms with that also. All these "do-gooders" pushing for the relinquishment, and I'm sure none ever looked back to see the mess they made of lives by their "do-goody" handiwork. "It's for the best", is probably the biggest crock of (I'll be a lady here) I've ever heard. Does anyone else have those types of feelings? Thanks Amandak, and thanks everyone for letting me vent.
Kitty

[dpen6]

Amanda and Kitty,

I think I have to agree with you both. It is a good way of putting it...I was given up by the whole birthfamily...I was kinda thinking along those terms myself just today. Being my bday I was refelcting on things and thought about the day I was born. Now mind you I have had LOTS of bdays(to many) and never really thought about it...but today I did. I read in my records how my bgrandmother would not allow me in the house...see, I was a bigbad person even then, LOL...all 4 lbs something of me! Started to feel really sad for that little baby born in the salvation army hospital with no one really caring!

Now, Before anyone comes back and says they really did care, you really were loved I have to say...no I was not...otherwise it would not have happened. All the excuses in the world doesn't change that. The biograndmother allowed her daughter in the house at the age of 23 but not the baby of her daughter....who needed adults more then the 23 yo. That baby was just proof of shameful behavior and needs to be put yup for adoption
Now...being who I am I do "understand" all thereason but when its put it black and white its really sad. I can read all the books in the world on how it was for bmoms and how amoms were so happy ect...it does NOT make it any less sad that *I* as a new life had to endure such lack of caring from the peole that were divinely suppose to care for me.

As an adoptte I must inject the fact that yes, everything ended up ok, yes, I had wonderful parents, yes I am grateful it ended up ok but I still am very sad.

Oops, menat to add that no I do not regret searching. I am gald I did, even if it was the worst case scenario, which it was not, I still would have wanted to know who I was when I was born!

[megsmile31]

Originally Posted by KittyMay

Amandak249, Thank you for your candid response. I have finally after all these years figured out the emotion that has been nagging at me inside. No one demanded that I stay in my family, I was given up by my birthfamily(not that I had a bad life, I have great parents). But everyone did know about me, and my bmom, being 15 or 16 at the time just went along with it all (I don't blame her in the least....she was just a kid herself). But something bothered me about it all, it was exactly what you said....I just couldn't put the words to it until you wrote your response. I'm glad you are able to get through it, so will I, but it still hurts. To this day since I was little, I always disliked social workers. I am finally coming to terms with that also. All these "do-gooders" pushing for the relinquishment, and I'm sure none ever looked back to see the mess they made of lives by their "do-goody" handiwork. "It's for the best", is probably the biggest crock of (I'll be a lady here) I've ever heard. Does anyone else have those types of feelings? Thanks Amandak, and thanks everyone for letting me vent.
Kitty

dpen, Amanda and Kitty:

I AGREE AGREE AGREE!!! I think that as a young mother, my family and I were convinced that adoption was the best, most loving, righteous thing I could do for my child. I look back and can't believe that my a-mother could stand to be in a delivery room with me, hold her first grandchild, watch the pain I (her a-daughter) went through as I had my heart ripped inside and out, watching a social worker drive away with my beautiful baby girl. She did NOTHING about it. All I can say is that I believe she was convinced that it was best..... I wasn't, but what did I know, I was a 17 year old messed up teenager.

I don't think that the agencies do enough to explain all of the negative parts of adoption, the intense mourning, the years of worry and wonder, and then all of the problems and awkwardness that reunion brings. Adoption is a life long pain, with little joy. It is also a lucrative industry for private adoption agencies and attorneys. I do think it severs relationships that can and are never the same. As birthmothers, we take it to our graves and as adoptees, we live our lives trying to figure it all out.

With all that said, none of us can live with regrets.... if it were not for that one event, some of us wouldn't exist. For others, the lack of the adoption may have altered who and all we are today.

social worker's don't explain all that.....
it does make me angry, on many levels.

[Jillalan]

megsmile31 - you said it all so well. That is just so true about not being told what giving a child up is like. Your amom holding her grand daughter and just letting her be taken away.....so similar to my story, except my amom would never hold my son or relent that I should give him up. Certainly wasn't in the delivery room - thank God.

Anyway, I had a good afamily, not perfect by any stretch but I knew I was loved and wanted. My reunion with my son was everything to me and he was glad I found him too. My reunion with my bfamily is that I'm just one of the litter. There are 10 of us and we all mix in when we get together.

So am I glad I searched? Yes on both sides - as an adoptee and a bmom.

[Amandak249]

Now, Before anyone comes back and says they really did care, you really were loved I have to say...no I was not...otherwise it would not have happened.

Very interesting statement- what are you referring to when you say " it would not have happened." Are you talking about your adoption in general?

If so I have something to add- but I want to make sure that's what you meant before I go agreeing with you.