[hpfreak080]

Sometimes (like today), I feel a little "less than human" (for lack of a better phrase) after reading other people's experiences, feelings, and thoughts.

As some of you probably know from reading some of my posts, I'm not currently interested at all in meeting/finding my birth family. I can't explain it, I'm just not. I don't feel a pull to them and very little curiosity even.

I read all the time (on here and other sites) people saying it's human nature to want to know where we come from and to pass that on. Others say "If I were adopted I can't IMAGINE not wanting to know." Many adoptees, from what I've read, feel some need to know their birth family.

I'm different. Most of the time, I'm ok with how I feel about this. But sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me for not wanting to know. I feel like I "should" be more interested but I'm just not. I don't want to go into any kind of search process just because I feel like I "should." I honestly just don't want to right now.

The real issue for me, I guess, is that I get very little validation for this because I'm guessing I'm in the minority. Very few people that I've seen (via this site and a couple of others) feel the way I do. I've even had other people in the triad (some adoptees, some not) say they are "sorry that I don't want to meet my bfamily."

I'm not sorry for how I'm feeling. I just wish more people in the triad (particularly adoptees) understood the way I was feeling so I didn't feel so...wrong (again, for lack of a better word).

Maybe I'm just having an off day today. If you made it this far, thanks for reading LOL

Comments welcome, as always.

[dpen6]

Iam sorry you arefeeling this way....Iknow I totally understand an adoptee not wanting to know and no one should feel judged for that. Its amazing sn't it...if an adoptee does want to know they are often slammed with the fact that because we "just want to know" we could be causing the end of life as we know it..if we don't want to know some may look at us(especialy other adoptees) as ifthere issomethingwrong with us.

I really beleive its thefact that we are ****ed if we doand ****ed if we don't.

I also beleive that as a group we need more underestanding and less judgment of each other.

Our situaions are all indivual and what is right for one may not be for another and its ok.

The problem comes though when the adoptee takes sides..ie....an adoptee beleives records shpould stay closed and will dictate how other adoptees should feel,...will stand above and say how they should be happy they were not aborted, had good parents without listening.....ect,

Anyway...I support you in your lack of need to find bparents....

[peregrinerose]

Just remember the demographic of people that seek out web sites like this.... the individuals with no questions or concerns or curiosity or issues with their pasts (or presents or futures) don't participate in forums like this as they don't feel any need to do so. That's the only reason you haven't found them. They are more the norm than the exception too. You have plenty of company, including probably people you already know in your daily life, just may not know they are also adopted as the topic just never came up.

[SWGAgirl]

peregrinerose-
I agree with you re the demographics thing. Before I made a decision to search for my b-family- my being adopted/not planning to find my birthfamily was a NON-ISSUE for me. I would have never been on a site like this because at that time in my life there was nothing to discuss re adoption in my opinion. Couldn't have been less interested in the whole thing.........until I changed my mind. LOL

[hpfreak080]

Thanks both of you for your responses! I'm already feeling a little better. I had actually just read a post someone put on here that said "It is human nature to want to know where we came from and human nature to pass on the heritage." That struck me wrong I guess.

dpen--I often find myself wondering why adoptees are judgmental toward others in the situation. I mean, are we not all in the situation of being an adoptee? I, like you, really dislike people telling other people how they should/should not feel or what they should/should not do (this goes for everything in life, not just adoption).

peregrinerose--I totally hear you on the site demographics (and actually thought about that after I posted lol). I almost wish there would be someone right now in my life who would just be like "I'M ADOPTED AND DO NOT NEED TO SEARCH!" so I can talk to them LOL

thanks again both of you. I respect both of you and agree with many of your opinions on this site. I find that, in general, more people on this site are accepting of difference than on many other sites I've visited which is why I can't stop coming here hehe

[hpfreak080]

SWGAgirl--I guess I'm one of those exceptions in general then LOL. It makes the most sense to me to not have to seek out a website until you feel you need the support. I don't really have much to discuss regarding my adoption, but at some point recently, I wanted to know about others in the world who were touched by adoption. Once I saw all of the pain, heartache, etc. I then wanted others to know that it CAN work (although I can't speak for my bio-mother) and that the adoptee doesn't ALWAYS feel intense pain, emptiness, etc.

I like to think that sharing my experience is helpful to others and, to be honest, it's incredibly beneficial to me. I've learned a lot about myself, adoption, and other people through websites like this. Even after being attacked verbally by others in the triad (not on this site, but another one) and/or ignored/dismissed based on my feelings (or lack thereof LOL), I feel like I have a place on websites like this.

I just sometimes have my moments where I feel a little extra alienated, hence my original post.

[bakerjw]

Growing up I never ever thought about searching for my birth mother. I had a great life in my adopted family. While growing up people would tell me that it'd be a "neat" thing to do because maybe she was rich or famous. yadda yadda yadda. It was infuriating because I just didn't care.

Then my birth mother tried to contact me and I still wasn't interested. I didn't have much choice in the matter at the time either due to meddlers but still. It wasn't anything that I felt that I needed to do.

A year and a half ago my adopted mom passed away. She was very opposed to me ever having anything with "that" woman. Within a year it suddenly became important to search. Not to replace my adopted mom who I loved dearly but it just seemed the thing to do. She was opposed to my searching while she was alive so maybe it was one less barrier for me to overcome. It was weird. Like flipping on a switch.

It could be that I moved to Tennessee from my home state of Illinois a few years back and don't have any good friends any longer. Now that my mom is gone the only relative from my adoptive family that I ever hear from is my sister. Never a call from a niece or nephew or cousins that I grew up with. There is just a void and I suppose I am using my search to try to fill it.

It's all complex but you're neither right nor wrong. You could wake up tomorrow and searching might be the most important thing in the world to you. But again you may not. Either way you are fine the way that you are.

[dpen6]

I gotta tell you though,

I was one of the adoptees that for many years felt it was a non issue...except for wanting to know about my bfamily. I alwys wanted to know. BUT, about being adopted I lways knew it was the right thinhg..it WAS in my best interst and a lot of my orginal posts on this forum proves that. My family is my adoptive family, I WAS proud of being adopted growing up, I AM grateful to my parents for being who they are.

The problems start when there is a group that feels they need to tell you what you should feel because if you feel a certian way it validates who THEY are in adoption.

I think I really started to see how it really isafter reading alot and actually seeing that no matter what there is someone that will "disagree" on M<Y position and how I feel....therre is a bmom sayinghow disresptful if a "child" doesn't want to know, another saying that its disrespctful for a "child" to want to know as it invades their privacy, an adoptive mom saying "how could you hurt your mother that way she fed you, loved you ect, another afamily saying your not blood, you don't belong, another bfamily saying "its not just about you you know".and many more....

I guess I am just tired of being the one that was adopte(for good reason) and being made to pay for the emotional well being of everyone else.

Anyway....I think that when an adoptee is tellingyou that you arein denial, you should want to know they are doing the same thing as to validate theri reasons. If an adoptive parent hears how you don't want to search it is usded as an example for all those other adoptees that don't, it is seen as more emotionally healthy by them ....as it validates their postion and assuages some of their fears....bmoms that shake their heads because "theri might be a hurting bmom waiting to hear how their child is" are thinking that because they are coming from their own place....

As far as it is only naterul for adoptees to search...welll for some its very true..for me it was a true statement....I NEEDED to look to find gentic sameness, I wanted to know where I came from, for me it was only natural. That does not make me a wounded adoptee, it does not fit me into some kind of demograghic...its just what I wanted...and I also believe that their are many adoptees that don't search as well as many that do and also a lot that think about it but because of other peoples needs ...don't. It doesn't mean one is more emotionally healthy then another..its just differnces in our genes!

Me wanting to search had NO(THING to do with my parents and everything to do with me. Thats not selfish or strange ...its normal. You wanting to not search is not selfish is not strange ..it just us.

[shadow riderer]

Ditto to what Dpen says.

The bottom line: It doesn't matter what others think. It only matters what you think. If you aren't interested, well, you just aren't interested. No explination necessary when you get right down to it. What others think, well, that's just what they think; their opinion.

If the day comes and you change your mind...decide to search, well, again no explination is really necessary. It's your life. It's your decision. Don't base your thoughts about yourself on what others say and think. You are the adoptee. What you decide to do, search, or not, if you wonder, if you don't, it's your life, your feelings. Only you know what is right for you. If you are happy and content with things the way they are, it really doesn't matter. IN the end, whether you know your bio fam or not, want to know or not, you are still you. Knowing bio fam or not doesn't change the essence of who you are.

Hope this made sense, and don't worry about what others think and say. You just be you. There isn't a thing wrong with you just the way you are.

[white_elephant]

hpfreak080,

Maybe you are completely feeling natural after all - consider this, I have.....
Maybe this is why we, on both sides sometimes feel and believe so differently about it from time to time, and even change our hearts and minds. IMO

Is it the search itself, or is it wanting to know your bio parents and possible bio family? Aren't they two separate yet connected issues? For most here the search has to happen before the latter.

I'm not opposed to meeting my welcoming natural family. I am highly opposed to suffering through some long search to find adults not interested in my life at all.

Your feelings are not only natural, normal and good but wise as well, IMO. Feelings, beliefs, and actions all involve the other, but are not all separate and to be judged as having made a good or bad decision.

God bless

[dpen6]

White Elephant,

I can understand you wanting to meet a welcoming family..it sure does make iteasier. But I know for me it was more then just howthey felt about me...I intellectually KNOW that my bfather and family may want to know nothing and I woulod be a dirty little secret that just wants their money ...or better yet some crazy person that is going to "hurt" them....but I think I can sperate that from the truth as I KNOW none of that istrue. But the realtionship part is not my first priority...after all I may not like them and want areationship either..but they hold something that only they can give meandthat is my information, family, heritage, medical ect. I am finding as I get older and my kids get older it is becoming more and more important to me....and when someone tries to moinize that importance I get angry...they are not trying to minimze for my sake but for the sake of everyone else!

[txrnr]

I understand. I went almost 40 years without ever considering it. I'm almost 42 and have just now made the decision to search. You may never change your mind, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[KittyMay]

As long as you are ok with it, then that is what really counts. We as adoptee's all have to make the decision to search or not search sometime in our lives. Don't worry about what you "think you should be doing" and do what YOU and YOU alone want. My decision to search was based soley on what I needed to do for myself. I did not let external factors or others make that decision for me. You can take ownership of your feelings without having to justify it to anyone. It's up to those around you to respect those feelings. Who knows, you may want to search someday. We all come to the places in our lives in our own time. ((hugs))

[hpfreak080]

White elephant--I have no idea why i don't want to search...i'm just simply not interested. I'm not scared of it or intimidated by it (that i know of), I'm just not interested in any of it.

shadow--your post really boosted me. Everything you said I already knew intellectually, but it's really nice to have someone say those things to you, ya know?

If I were truly going to be swayed by other people's thoughts (and these, might I add, would be strangers on the internet lol), I would have started searching a few months ago. Once I get out of my periodic slumps, I realize that I need to do what feels right for me and reunion is not right for me right now. Maybe I'll change my mind like txrnr, maybe not. But rest assured that if I do change my mind, it will be because I want reunion and not because people tell me I should.

Thanks for all of your all's comments. They really help me feel better (I'm in one of those moods today LOL). Usually the judmental comments just roll off my back, but i'm taking it a little harder today. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing

Love you guys!

[epenn922]

You have to go with what YOU feel is right for you. My asis is a staunch non-searcher. I, on the other hand, felt as if my bmom had whispered,"Come find me," in my ear and always knew I'd search for her.

If you differently in the future, fine. If not, that's fine, too. Your gut will tell you what is the right thing to do.

Elaine