[epenn922]

If anyone knows the adoptee whose bmom is suing NJ for $1M, I would love to reach out to her. My bmom is in the same league and I thought that I would reach out to her.

Here's my bmom -- ugh...

Lawsuit fans flames of N.J. debate on adoption privacy | Philadelphia Daily News | 07/07/2009

Sigh -- we're having an adoptee's rights demonstration in Philadelphia on Tuesday. Wonder if anyone will notice....

Elaine

[Jillalan]

I don't know how to answer after seeing 'the woman who gave birth to you' comments.

I'm saddened, heartbroken, angry and fuming for you and I don't even know your name, Epenn922.

I am so very sorry that this is her response. My anger is coming through and I'm not going to type the words that are forming.

I wasn't able to attend the demonstation in Philly but I did post it on my Facebook page and two of my birth siblings have joined after seeing it. If there is ever another one and I have enough notice I would gladly support it.

Wishing you well and again, I'm very sorry this was the outcome of your search.

[epenn922]

It's this Tuesday, July 21st. WE're meeting at 10:30 -- People’s Plaza Independence Park, one block north of Independence
Hall, at the corner of 5th and Market

[KittyMay]

Elaine, What a terribly sad situation for you. While I have tried to look at it from her perspective, I simply can't. Mother's aren't supposed to act that way and I'm sorry that happened to you. Perhaps she didn't want contact and I guess that is her right, but to procure publicity like that about the circumstances is just plain selfish and ignorant. She claims she is "villified" for that, well I guess if she can't see why then that is pitiful. You seem like a wonderful person Elaine and you are doing what you can for all adoptee's and I admire you for that. It's her loss not to want to know you. She should take her pity party out of the spotlight and get on with her life. My best to you. Plus everything Jillalan said. I too sit here fuming and angry and heartbroken for you.

[EZ2Luv]

I am sorry that any adoptee has to go through this. Sadly, I honestly believe that this is definately something my birthmother would have done. It is terrible and goes beyond selfish . To me it is up there with cruel and unsual as it is deprivation of basic human rights.
Though I can identify with this type of bmom behavior , it hasn't actually happened to me though it is typical of my bmom's attitude and behaviors. It is easier for me to just dismiss and accept that it is what it is rather than have it consume me.

EZ

[hpfreak080]

In my opinion, it is one thing for a bmom to want privacy (even though this can be very hard on the adoptee) and a totally different thing to proclaim that she wants privacy while simultaneously telling this to the media and getting attention...

How is THAT keeping her privacy?\

I'm sorry, OP, that you are having to deal with this. Sometimes people just don't make any sense. I wish you luck and strength =)

[SWGAgirl]

GREAT point hpfreak!!!!!

[Jillalan]

Elaine, (glad I can call you by name) I live in Florida but come from NJ - would be happy to attend but I would need to combine it with a trip to visit family and I'm not coming up till Labor weekend.

Think of me when you're marching - with you in spirit!

Jill

[epenn922]

My daughters and I went to the Adoptee Rights Rally in Philly yesterday. Here's a video thru my 13 year old's eyes. I'm posting this in a separate thread, too.

YouTube - Philadelphia Adoptee Rights Protest 2009

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

Originally Posted by hpfreak080

In my opinion, it is one thing for a bmom to want privacy (even though this can be very hard on the adoptee) and a totally different thing to proclaim that she wants privacy while simultaneously telling this to the media and getting attention...

How is THAT keeping her privacy?\

I'm sorry, OP, that you are having to deal with this. Sometimes people just don't make any sense. I wish you luck and strength =)

Maybe she doing it to protect others birth mothers rights,That's been in her situation.The sad fact is some woman didn't want their children at all and never wanted to be bugged by them ever,for what ever reason.I know if I was a birth mom that gave my child up for adoption I would want to see that child again,Unless I was raped and couldn't deal with it.Maybe they could do a better job protecting both.If a parent never wants to see their birth child again after giving them up,Then they should put that on files and leave it at that.No one should be forced to see somene if they don't want to.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by CRAZY_WOMAN

Maybe she doing it to protect others birth mothers rights,That's been in her situation.The sad fact is some woman didn't want their children at all and never wanted to be bugged by them ever,for what ever reason.I know if I was a birth mom that gave my child up for adoption I would want to see that child again,Unless I was raped and couldn't deal with it.Maybe they could do a better job protecting both.If a parent never wants to see their birth child again after giving them up,Then they should put that on files and leave it at that.No one should be forced to see somene if they don't want to.

again, its not about relationships and "being bugged"..(lordy how crass) its about respecting theperson you brought into theworld with the information neededfor them to go on. We are not BUGS to be ignored or proclaim privacy over..we are human beings that desrve to know wherewe came from. NO...you can't force arelationship but you can at least not be so cruel as to totally deny the person that you made. Even with rape ..that child is NOT the rape. iis not a BGUG that is the cause of the rape but a human being that desrves to know....

When is adoption REALLY going to become about the cfhild, when is it going to be for the little buggers that were born BECAUSE of the decsion of others.

As time goes on and I think about the children I gave birth to my bmoms PRIVACY becomes moot and the need for my dhildren to know about there heritage is all the more important...guess what my children will AKWAYS trump my bmothers needs...hmmm..guess thats just being a mother.

[SWGAgirl]

Originally Posted by dpen6

As time goes on and I think about the children I gave birth to my bmoms PRIVACY becomes moot and the need for my dhildren to know about there heritage is all the more important...guess what my children will AKWAYS trump my bmothers needs...hmmm..guess thats just being a mother.

dpen6- I couldn't agree with you more. How true how true!! There was a time I wouldn't have said this- but I SURELY would now.

Ya know- it is fascinating on this journey to see how very similar or uniform the evolution of feelings and ideas of adoptees are during the phases of searching, finding, contacting, reunion, and post reunion.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by CRAZY_WOMAN

No one should be forced to see somene if they don't want to.

We as adoptees talk about our frustration and pain over people who don't understand what it's like to live with this huge adoption-related void in our lives, our lack of essential knowledge of who we are, our medical histories, etc;

On the other hand, I imagine that many bmoms, particularly bmoms who are survivors of rape, feel frustration and pain regarding our society's inability to understand the depth and complexity of their predicament and need for privacy. I can only imagine how painful it must be for survivors of rape to be contacted by their birth children. Even 'tho rationally we may all know that the bchild is not the cause of the rape, it may still bring back truly horrific and unbearable memories.

I think that both sides (adoptees and bmoms) need to do what we can to fully understand and appreciate the other side's experience.

In the end, we still come back to balancing pain and rights on both sides. Would a possible compromise be that bmoms provide identifying information, particulary medical information, but also be allowed to retain a no-contact clause? Not an ideal situation, but at least adoptees have some information (particularly the medical info) and the bmoms remain uncontactable.

FYI - the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute did a research paper about adoptee access to records vs. birthparent privacy issues. Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute

[Dickons]

Ripples,

Thanks for posting the link, I saw a Katie C video clip on it and was intrigued. Excellent article, short, sweet and oh so to the point.

Dpen,

Excellent post! I never thought of myself as a bug either.

SWAgirl,

You are right that the journey also creates a change in our perceptions...and they do seem to align with other's change in perception as well.

Epenn,

Your daughters video was priceless! Thank you for standing up and calling for change.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[dpen6]

Ripples,

I do understand when rape is invovled there needs to be exterme sensitivity shown. I know its a horrific situaion, but what bothers me is that most times when rape is involved the child is thought of as the rapist when its the child that is the innocent victim also. So, not only is the father a monster but the mother is disgusted by the child, the mother thinks of the child as something to be afraid of..and society agrees...so how does that make the innocent human born feel?

I think the attitude that the person born of rape needs to take on the resposibity of the rape is what is wrong....Do we push the mother ihnto seeing thechild? NOOOOO......but maybe help the mother to seperate the rape from the child so that mother can heal somewhat and child can get the information they need to go on.