[annelizly]

my amom recently passed away(my adad years ago)
I am the executor and it has fallen to me to go through the estate and figure out who gets what.

I find myself in a quandrie. I have come across things like : the family bible with the names and dates of births and deaths throughout the decades. other family heirlooms that are from aparents family from generations before.

one one hand i feel that i am just as entitled to these as anyone else because this is my family too.

on the other hand, i sometimes feel as though they should be owned by blood relatives.

anyone else ever deal with this? how did you deal with it?

[vegaschristina]

My personal thought is, you are as entitled to those items as much as any other relative. You were their family as much as any other family member.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[RavenSong]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. Losing our parents is always so darn hard, and it's so stressful having to deal with the estate.

As far as the heirlooms go, they're your's. If your mom had wanted them to go to blood relatives, she would have made arrangements for that to happen, or she would have given you instructions on how to handle the heirlooms.

Family bibles are funny things. I'm into genealogy, and recently I was contacted by some second cousin three times removed or something like that. She was practically insistent that I must have ended up with the family bible of my great-great grandmother because my great grandmother was the youngest daughter of 14 children. I've tried telling her that I didn't even know my great grandmother's parentage until several years ago when I finally got serious about researching it. But here's this old lady in Texas swearing that I *must* have all sorts of photographs, heirlooms, and the family bible! The truth of the matter is that I don't have any of that, not from that branch of my family.

Good luck, and try not to stress too much over the heirlooms. If your mom didn't want you to have them, she would have given them away...they're your's to keep and treasure.

[bakerjw]

When my adopted moms brothers (my uncles) died, it was important for me to get something from their estates. Two of them were bachelors, had fought in WWII, and were some of the greatest men that I had ever had the privilege to know. One survived Pearl Harbor and the other had fought on Iwo Jima. I ended up getting a couple of very meaningful items.

My adopted mom always said that she hoped that my sister and I wouldn't fight or bicker over anything when she and my adoptive dad were gone and I assured her that we wouldn't. I had decided many years earlier that even though they all feel that I am entitled to my share, I don't feel that I am entitled to anything. I considered myself not to be real family. It wasn't their actions, it was just the way that I started to feel.

When my adopted parents died, I really didn't care about heirlooms or any of their things. As time has passed I guess I've just distanced myself more and more from my adopted family. So there's really nothing there that would hold any meaning for me. It's all part of someone elses family.

I guess a lot of it has to do with the search for my birth mother. It becomes an all encompassing obsession sometimes and all other emotional bonds take a back seat.

Sorry to rattle on like that. If you have a tight bond to your adopted family then you are certainly deserving of heirlooms and such.

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by annelizly

I find myself in a quandrie. I have come across things like : the family bible with the names and dates of births and deaths throughout the decades. other family heirlooms that are from aparents family from generations before.

Perhaps the solution is to have the family bible pages scanned and a cd created and given to each family member.

You are the child of your parents and as such have exactly the same rights of inheritance. As they are your family find a solution that will work for all.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[FAYE56]

There is no quandrie - the heirlooms are yours. You were left these items by your "Family". If you choose to share with other members in your family that's fine also, but do it because you wish to share, not because you feel you don't have a right.

I've found my bmother and around the same time I was found by my Mom's extended family (which my cousins and I didn't even know existed) I have received many pictures and documents from this new cousin, we've ordered documents from Ireland and have shared them.

My blood is from my bmother (I am very slowly building a relationship with my siblings ) (bmother still wants nothing to do with me) My "Family" are my Parents, Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Best Friends who have always loved me no matter where I came from.

I currently have 3 solid Family Trees - one from my Mom's side and 2 from my bmother's side.

Truthfully, the only "Family" I feel I have a right to any "mementos" are my Parents - the two people who raised and loved me unconditionally.

[TxMom65]

I understand your thoughts, but you do deserve and have rights to them as much as the ones who were born into the family. Your parents felt that way by making you the executor, I think.

[KittyMay]

I'm sorry for your loss. Those heirlooms are for you. If they meant that much to your parents, then why shouldn't you have a part of them to treasure. I know how you feel however, always on the outside of a family looking in....I think that comes more from within than anything else. I've already made peace with it all. My parents are my parents, the only connection to their families is them. Someday when they are gone, I'll never see anyone again...and it doesn't matter. The things that I treasured growing up, old family photos, grandmother's rings, etc will always serve to remind me of two very loving, generous people who made me their own, and to not act their own would only serve to muddy the memories of a lifetime. They were YOUR parents. Period..((hug)) My best to you.

[annelizly]

thanks everyone!

Good advice that i will heed.

I want my parents things because they were important to my parents. I will try and push through the feeling of "i am not entitled" .

[momraine]

I am an aparent and I want my things to go to both my "bio" and "adopted" kids. They are all my kids to me. I will be making sure my will states that they are equal and there are special things I will be leaving specifically to each of them.

[Jensboys]

I wanted to say the same thing as a mom of bio and adopted kids ... and watching my grandmother distribute her heirlooms to her great grandchildren (my sons included) that there is an equal and deep desire for each child to get something important. It has nothing to do with "blood" but everything to do with family. In the case of my grandmother, things went based on the kids interests - my oldest son got her father's very old dictionary, because he is the oldest great grandson and doing well in school. Another child got a piece of art (also adopted) that he loved, another son got a bedroom suite because he expressed an interest in it (bio) etc, etc, etc ...

When I go ... I would never, ever, ever, ever wish that two of my sons get more than the others.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm also the mom of a bio son and an adopted son, and they are equally my sons. I would never allow differentiation between them for heirlooms based on whether it's the adopted son or the bio son.

[Drywall]

annelizly...sorry to hear about your loss. To be executor for the family is not always easy. The following are a few thoughts for your evaluation.

As executor of the estate, there is a requirement that you put all of the final pieces together.

For purposes of bringing the situation to order, at present, I would keep all of the family heirlooms. Those particular items that I wanted for myself, I would not share.

At a picnic or get together, or within a reasonable time, I would make an announcement to the family. They should know you are continuing to hold all the family estate items. Those that are special to you, you will keep.

Any family that wants any other estate items are to let you know and you will take their requests under advisement.

If 2 relatives want the same artifact, bring them together and make them decide the outcome of the item.

If there are any parts of the family who become concerned and problems arise related to your having all of the estate, ask them to be patient, and when you are ready, you will review their concerns.

You have a right to decide the extent of the estate distribution and it should be done under your terms.

I wish you the best.