[Blessed2x.]

Today I was reading a book, not adoption related, when this phrase jumped out at me:

We withdraw from someone when we regard their well-being as a matter of indifference to us.

I wonder how this statement might play into adoption reunions, or open adoptions, perhaps.

I have been continually struck by how adoption reunions have almost no road map or models for creating successful long-term relationships. How to make all the pieces fit.

Sometimes it seems like people are very willing to bail out (as I have said in past posts, this does not include destructive or extremely dysfunctional behavior) in adoption triad relationships.

Any thoughts?

[Withay]

I don't know about others, as I can speak only for myself. Being new to the adoption triad I am trying to find my way through all my feelings.

I have fostered for a number of years so I understand the different aspects of that triad. I am now adopting my first child.

In so many ways I have a huge amount of empathy for my sons firstmom. It is through no fault of hers that she is totally unable to care for him. She is unable to care for herself due to being extremely low functioning developmentally delayed. Nor is it my sons fault that she cannot parent him. That said, why should I keep them apart?

We have chosen, her and I to have a semi-open adoption. I want my son to know his firstmom. I want her to know how he is doing.

Yes, it is hard to watch her with him. She doesn't understand how to play with him or how to do any of the things a mom usually does.

No, he doesn't know yet that she is his firstmom. He is only 2 and has global delays (more physical than mental). There will come the day when he asks about her and I am going to be very honest with him. He does have pictures of the two of them and the three of us together. At each meeting there are more pictures taken.

At this point in time I have absolutely no intention of 'bailing out'. She, after all gave me the very best and most precious gift anyone can receive - my son.

Only time will tell how it all plays out on her end. Whether she will continue to visit or just kind of drift away. I don't know.

Just my rambling thoughts.

[Longtimewaiting]

I know that as a bmother, I would bail for several reasons... 1) My daughter has no intention of EVER having a relationship with me. And if that is the case, why would I keep trying?? Or, 2) I feel that she will be disruptive to my mental well-being. I refuse to be manipulated, or made to feel any more guilty than I already do.

I would like to be in it for the long haul, but we never know what we are up against until we are there. Some of us have waited so lonnngggg, and with more patience than we ever thought that we could and would have. But I do realize that there are bmoms out there that have no desire to continue a long term relationship with a child that they have absolutely no "emotional" ties to.

[Blessed2x.]

Thank you both for your replies so far. I appreciate it. And I hope I didn't sound accusing in my original post. Just interested in thoughts on trying to navigate long term relationships in reunions. Wondering if the same commitment is and should be there that other relationships normally get.

[KittyMay]

On June 11, just 4 days ago I found my bfamily. I found out they had looked for over 25 years for me. She did not have any other children except me, my 2 bsisters on my bfather's side also looked, it was a communal family effort. We will reunite this summer. We have talked on the phone for hours, exchanged pictures via the computer and we are happy about it. Even my aparents are happy for me. With all this emotion, had there been a model or book to go by, I wouldn't have read it because what this is for me, wouldn't be what it is for someone else. You are deeply connected to each other's psyche and there are as many reactions as there are adoptee's in the world. That might account for bailing. It could be a self preservation technique. It's good to get advice here, I've really appreciated it and cherished it. But to have someone stick a planned model or statistics in front of me in the form of book, it would take away from the joy I am feeling by just rolling with the emotions, all of the emotions, both wonderful and fearful, giddy and not knowing. That's what life is. I think there are far too many "models" on too many things out there. We start basing the value of our being on the premise of "do we fit into the norm as described?" Oft times with people who are sorely underqualified to be dictating what normal is. The best advice I can get is from fellow adoptee's, bparents and aparents who have been through it. Leaving me to take what I want into it freely and not looking to see if it fits within the "parameters" deemed by nameless, faceless entities who may not be qualified to be setting the norms in the first place. I have to believe it will fall into place as it is meant to. Well, that's my opinion anyway.
Kitty

[JustPeachy]

Excellent post, Kitty. I agree with what you have stated.

We withdraw from someone when we regard their well-being as a matter of indifference to us.

On the contrary, I think in reunion situations, people withdraw when they feel terrified, vulnerable, overwhelmed, anxious, or all of those things! Perhaps in some cases, it's indifference, where they cannot feel a connection and just don't wish to put forth the effort, but I think more often, reunion is so fraught with strong emotion, it's hardly indifference that causes the withdrawing.

The hardest thing, I think, for me, (although I'm not yet in reunion) is that there IS no social template to follow in terms of what I am to my son, but as Kitty says, I'm not sure I'd want to follow a strict guideline or book. And in some ways, it's cool that if my son and I do reunite, we can create our own template. But I struggle with the fact that I'm a mom to him and not his mom at the same time. Society dictates you only have one mother, unless you are a child of a lesbian couple, but in that case, the two moms are both doing the raising and being there for the child. I think with closed and semi-open (as it was practiced in my day) adoptions, all the secrecy and conditioning that you cannot know each other really does damage when it comes time to reunite. Keep in mind, in my day when I was placing, the notion of being reunited was not really promoted. I was told "you can keep your information updated and when he turns 18, if he wishes to locate you, he will be able to find you." Prior to that, it was stressed that the birthmom would NEVER see her child under any circumstances, ever. With so many years of separation, it is very difficult, and how do you "reconnect" so easily when you were never allowed to have a proper connection or foundation for relationship in the first place?

I do feel, in theory, that the same consideration and commitment should be given to those in reunion as you would anyone else, even moreso! But in reality, if there is no real connection, people have emotional issues they haven't worked through or emotions get stirred up that they cannot handle, they may give up. And keep in mind, with other people, we don't feel the same level of vulnerability or carry the same fears of rejection.

[Stillamom]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

but I think more often, reunion is so fraught with strong emotion, it's hardly indifference that causes the withdrawing.

I do feel, in theory, that the same consideration and commitment should be given to those in reunion as you would anyone else, even moreso!

So true, Peachy. I think the key word here is moreso. Often, because of the intense emotions involved, I think we may tend to let certain behaviors "slide" that we would in no way tolerate from other people.

I believe the reason for this is because we can empathise with the other person, knowing we are most likely experiencing similar emotions. And with emotional overload we may all act a little differently than we normally would.

Maybe we should all collaborate on a new book "How to Operate a Rollercoaster Smoothly" It wouldn't work, though, because all rollercoasters are different. I think it would be good to know some of the common pitfalls before going in, but there really is no "right" or "wrong" way to get through it.

[idahonurse]

I agree that it seems like pulling back or bailing out may be a self-preservation technique or related to discovering that the relationship is not as it was fantasized to be. For example, my birthfamily discovered me in Oct. 2008 after many years of searching. I was of course completely surprised and shocked. . . and it kind of happened at not such a good time. I was newly postpartum with my second child, sleep deprived etc. Not really in a good place to suddenly have to deal relationships that I had not actively seeked out myself. Anywho, I felt that it was appropriate to let the bio-fam know that I was doing fine, etc. They had been looking for me for many years and were super-excited and definitely the dynamic force in the relationship. I never have had any interest in looking and was completely blind-sided and definitely the static force in the relationship. So they came on pretty hot n' heavy. . . they even wanted to do Christmas together which was only 7 weeks away!! I kinda had to set some boundaries and I think they were shocked and disappointed that I wasn't as whipped up as they were about the reunion. It makes me feel kinda badly for them that I wasn't more excited, but when my dad called and said someone had come looking for me, I think my response was, "Oh. . . okay". It was a shock. They cut me off when my response wasn't what they wanted. A couple months down the road, I did end up talking with the bio-mom on the phone several times and it was fine. I had gotten past the shock by this time, I was back to work, the baby was older, I was getting more sleep, etc. I told her I was happy to have an adult friendship relationship with her and she seemed okay with that. However, I felt as though in every conversation, the adoption factor was beleaguered to death. . . sometimes I get the sensation that she wants me to have the same level of trauma over the subject so that we can commiserate at our misfortune together. I am of course, more than happy to listen to her feelings about the relinquishment just as I would be for any of my friends and comfort her as best as I can (although I think that talking to a councelor may be a more appropriate outlet), but I don't have a lot to add from my side of things (my adoption day was the best day of my life) and I think this kind of bothers her. Anywho, I got one last very cordial and nice email from her, and then I emailed her back 3 times over a period of several months and have never gotten another reply. Guess perhaps when she realized that the relationship was not what she expected, she decided to bail out for awhile. Who knows? Or maybe it's even like the quote from the book says, that she now knows that I'm fine and my well-being is not her concern anymore. Maybe she feels that chapter of her life now has an ending and she can close it and move forward. Who knows? I'm not particularly upset about it though. . . I know that this happens quite often and it's not unlikely that they will resume contact.