[Dickons]

The more time I spend on this site the more it strikes me that we (adoptees) have many similiar thoughts even if they are the opposite to me, they are the same themes and trends.

I can remember various stages I went through and how I put on the happy face to the outside world, down-playing the negative aspects. It wasn't until my 40's that I recognised how much being adopted impacted me in so many different ways and on different levels.

Anyone else find this true?


Kind regards,
Dickons

[txrnr]

Oh yeah! It was 40 that I began to realize things about being adopted. It wasn't such a big deal until then. Even when I started to look for my non-id a bit before 40 that was other peoples idea, I was just going along.

[Josh5339]

I was twenty one when I found out, but then again earlier this year a cousin who was just a couple of months younger than me died of mysterious circumstances. I've heard in books that a death in the family could kick start things... that might have unsconsciously been what started it because that's when thoughts of being the "black sheep" of the family started.

[Drywall]

...the impact of adoption is a life long sentence. Adoptees who have re-united, even under the best circumstances, state that the residual of being adopted is still present.

I was a people pleaser because it was a requirement.

By pleasing others, there was hope of gaining entry to a family...perhaps lose the fear of abandonment...I hoped some value or merit might become a reality...there was the adoptee "happy face" and attempts to be perfect, but nothing changed....what remained was only a clown with a broken heart.....

[Josh5339]

I'm a "good adoptee" too, but what I was wondering is - has anyone ever tried to cut off that part of them entirely?

I'm moving half way across the country to California and even changing my name among friends and others over there to my birth name. It's like a fresh new start, allowing the side I've silenced my whole life room to live. I don't know, but I feel like with that freedom of living completely in that side for a while - I can unite that back to my adoptive side some day and find a sense of being whole.

Has anyone tried that route before? Deprogramming the people pleaser by going through a "metaphorical death"?

I think if I live my life from now on the other side, eventually I can combine the two and be just me. The whole me.

[bobd]

The more I read here the more I realize how much adoption has effected me. It is amazing how similar the issues are with adoptees. I thought at one time it must be me. I must be going crazy. I know my family thought I was. I know my dw used to say why can't you be happy. I tried to please others, in doing so I lost myself, who I was. I became what other people wanted me to be. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. As I got into my 40's the feelings got stronger to find out who I was and where I came from to find the truth. I realize biology does play an important roll just as the environment we grew up in and the people that surrounded us. We do take on some attributes of our a-parents but there is alot that is affected by biology too which can't always be discounted. A few years ago I found my b-family after 35 years of wondering and trying to get the info to begin my search. Things did not turn out as I had hoped but I was prepared for the worst. I have come to the conclusion that I don't belong there either. So I have recently decided to move on with my life and make the rest of my years my own. Make a new life and identity for me not for anyone else. I know that may sound selfish but at this time in life I think I deserve to be. All I want now is to be happy and to help others going through this to cope with these issues. I realize too that the adoption issues will never go away but at least now I have peace and have accepted that fact. Maybe someday I'll write about my experiences. Anyway I hope this makes sense if not I appologize if I am rambling!

[Drywall]

Josh....I wish you the best and hope you are successful in your attempts at starting over...but, remember everywhere I run, there I am...

[BlackSheep]

I too, thought that I was going crazy in my 40's. I had reunited with my bmom when I was 30 so it never crossed my mind that what I was feeling had anything to do with my adoption! It wasn't until I was researching all the possible causes of deep, ongoing depression that I ran across an article about "Happy Adoptees". I read it (as I am always drawn to anything about adoption) and really read about ME. I found out that I'm not alone and that my feelings about myself aren't "bad". My aparents adopted 4 children (not from the same family) and I was always defiant, not accepting and my amom told me how even as an infant, I wouldn't let anyone hold me. I was the "over achiever" in the family. If it was out there, I was in the middle of it! I was a straight A student, played 3 musical instruments, involved in sports, etc, but still never felt accepted in my own "home". My amom would ask me, "we raised you the same way we did the other kids and you're different. What's wrong with you?"

I have been working on me for the last year, just ME! I am working hard at figuring out who I AM. I have always played the role of the perfect student, wife, mother, employee, but who am I? I can't really remember "happy" or if I have ever really felt "joy" in my life. Yes, I have married, had children and lived my life. I have put a smile on my face and laughed, but I'm not sure in my mind what "happy" is. This site and my DH, DS and DD's are helping do all this integration within myself. My children have ridden the roller coaster with me, but are also gaining the added benefit of finding out more about themselves at the same time.

Sorry this has gotten longer than I originally anticipated.

[Dickons]

The replies have been so very interesting and so similar.

Josh made a very good point on experiencing the death of someone close being a trigger point.

Drywall, love your wisdom and especially the words remember everywhere I run, there I am...

So my question now is...it is our brush with or recognising our mortality that triggers the need to understand more about who we are and secondly, do non adoptees go through the same process and we feel it differently due to being an adoptee?

Thanks for the replies and looking forward to exploring this more.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[wrgamom]

What an interesting question. I know for me, I have always wanted to know, but tended to believe the line of "don't disrupt her life". My trigger was definitely facing my own mortality and my own motherhood. I was the victim of a medical mistake during a c-section with my youngest child and was very seriously ill for a few months. That was when I was 34. It took me 3 years from that point to officially search. Of course, I say it took me so long because I was recovering physically and had 3 children under 4. They took a lot of my time.

And, yes, I think adoption has affected my life, for good, bad and everything in between. How could it not? It is a part of my personal human experience and to deny its impact would be like denying any other aspect of my life. It is just a fact that it is part of what makes me, well, me.

[Drywall]

Dickons...the posed questions regarding mortality and emotional attachments of adoptees are complex. My thots however, are simple.

Mortality is a given. It affects all people, not just adoptees. To link mortality and adoption together is unfounded. There are no statistics which indicate a longer or shorter life span for adoptees.

It appears that our search is for roots, beginnings, and endings in an attempt to establish identity. Mortality is different.

While there may be a secondary attachment to mortality in our eyes, it is a personal concern usually related to grief, loss and fear. Often adoptee mortality concerns are directed to a specific individual that may hold personal information which may have life long effects.

The result is a vested interest in the loss of that particular individual. This is due to the fear of the closing of an era or the ending of a source of that personal information.

All adoptees have strong feelings in regards to those events. Often there is a question related to their personal quest which has to do with the fear of what will happen if this source of information were to end.

In mortality issues, non adoptees also feel a sense of grief and loss, but their emotional attachment is less complex. There is little concern in terms of urgency to uncover unknown events. There is a greater sense of freedom to accept the events which have occurred.

The mortality of the lost individual among non adoptees and its effects on those left behind, doesn't carry a sense or a component of urgency to gain personal acceptance. More specifically, to end an ongoing emotional event. The loss is accepted simply as a part of family.

The family history of non adoptee individuals are known. There is no mystery or concern surrounding unanswered circumstances.

As a result, in non adoptee cases of mortality, because of this greater sense of freedom to accept that individuals mortality, the grief and loss in most cases will be shorter. This is due to the non adoptee loss being less complex than the adoptee loss under the same circumstances.

Adoption in and of itself is simply a pathway. When viewed as a personal event affecting our lives, it is no wonder that its long term effects are so profound.

As adoptees, there may be a greater attachment to mortality, not so much at a personal level, but rather as a secondary concern related to individuals who may hold a key to our identity.

Drywall

[never_good_enough]

Originally Posted by Dickons

The replies have been so very interesting and so similar.

Josh made a very good point on experiencing the death of someone close being a trigger point.

Drywall, love your wisdom and especially the words remember everywhere I run, there I am...

So my question now is...it is our brush with or recognising our mortality that triggers the need to understand more about who we are and secondly, do non adoptees go through the same process and we feel it differently due to being an adoptee?

Thanks for the replies and looking forward to exploring this more.

Kind regards,
Dickons

Everybody goes thru the identity phase. Just us adoptees have no history to look on as to how we may turn out if we leave nature take its course. We have no narrative to our life. For all of us until we have reunion were born in a courtroom one morning. Watching, simply watching. We seem to be always watching another's life unfold and we have to play that part like it or not.

We are the flesh and blood ghosts in the closet. Whether it be a pregnancy that was unplanned, or infertility hidden. We are but actors playing a part to two audiences and getting no applause from either. The admission of us admits the failings of our parents. All 4 of them.

[Drywall]

Never_Good_Enough...your response in terms of "watching" was unique...and I believe true....we do watch...and wait...and we hope that for us there will be an ending...something that will make us whole...complete....define us...and show us how to be human.....a pathway ending fear, grief and loss...and finally allow us to follow a dream.....as adoptees we can hope, if only for an instant...someone cared about us...

[SoniaRose]

It is so interesting to see discussions amongst adoptees ranging in age from early 20's to 70+. It is sad, though, that the pain never really ends...and it is true that we can never run away from ourselves.

I knew nothing about my bparents growing up, but when I was in my early 20's, my amom gave me a letter from the adoption agency with the physical description of my bparents and the story behind my relinquishment. This was in the old days -- long before the Internet -- and I had no clue how to begin to search. I also feared that my bmom might be disappointed in me as I had not come into my own yet.

I felt I was finally ready in my early 30's -- in my own mind, I was a "success" -- married with children, living in a nice house, etc. I submitted my info to the ISRR but was never matched. The agency letter said that my bmom wanted to keep me very badly, so I figured she must have died, so I didn't know what else to do. (It turned out she died when I was just a child, so I don't have to beat myself up for missing the chance to meet her.) For years I told people that I would reunite with her in the great beyond.

Of course, I had to convince myself that life goes on after death. I attended every denomination of church, but never liked any of them. I turned to the New Age/Metaphysical section of the bookstore and found the answers that resonated with me. Not only am I firmly convinced that we live after death, but that we reincarnate and share lifetimes with many of the same souls again and again. Maybe in a past life, my bmom and I were brothers or husband/wife or work associates??? Anyway, my belief system works for me; it gives me a sense of hope and purpose.

I think most adoptees feel like they're on a quest to find their place in the world.

BTW, welcome to the forums, never_good_enough. I like your expression: "flesh and blood ghosts in the closet".

[Josh5339]

I can never run from me, but I can become me. I'm killing off my roots, I'm not as attached to my parents as I once was. I've become numb - to them - meaning, for the first time I can go off without fear and find out who I am.

Even Clark Kent needed to go off for a couple of years to spend time in the fortress of solitude as Kal-El is how I look at it. Meaning, I'm not closing myself off entirely from my parents - I'm just ready for that next stage of my life.

I'm metaphorically dying. Joseph Campbell called it the Supreme Ordeal, the death of oneself to enter the world of the unknown. In adoptee books - this is called the Ghost Kingdom, a scary place to be and live one's life for a while. But, I believe if I stay there and never give up, I'll find who I really am... I'll "seize the sword" and be all the more powerful for it and ready to be resurrected as the "master of two worlds." <- I've always found it interesting how Campbell's hero journey matches up to my life as an adoptee.