[winter444]

Hi, I wanted to ask others how they feel about just walking away from found brelatives.

Quick update: found bmom, had terrible reunion and it ended as she was very cold and we could not have privacy, located 1/2 siblings, two were over the moon to hear from me, even called me to say so. Never heard back from one, that was last year. The other has not been answering any of my emails, well...except to send a one liner months ago...

I had a major meltdown, could not stop sobbing, couldn't sleep etc...I was so afraid I was in the middle of some psychotic break and would never come out of it, it was that bad.

Ok, so...for the last few weeks I have begun to think it will just be the best thing for me to walk away, the hurt is so incredible, I know people here understand this feeling, to be honest I have screamed about it, I have sobbed, I don't want to ever get to that place again and I feel that if I keep asking for contact I'm just putting myself in the position for this hurt to carry on.
These siblings have not even bothered to let me know anything, they have just disappeared, this is after one of them talked to me for hours several times saying he'd never treat me the way my nmom had done...
Right now, I am not angry, I actually feel somewhat at peace....not totally there of course....I don't even want to hear from them now, don't think there is anything they can say to make it better.
I would also feel like a fool if they did and I answered, does that make any sense? I feel it will be on their terms, whenever they feel like it, to hell with how I feel.

Does anyone have advice with all this?
I have an adoptee friend who has been going through this for over 10 years, her siblings cut her off and she falls apart, then they write again and it all starts up again, I cannot do it.
thank you for any advice.

[Amandak249]

Winter-



I found this post by accident. I know..I just know that SOMEONE( or something) sent me to it. I know exactly how you feel. I too have struggled in my relationship with my birthfamily.


I don’t know if you’ve read ay of my older posts, regarding my own birthfamily issues, but let me tell you that you are NOT alone. I have been where you are. In fact, I had to walk away from a birthfather that wanted me in his life because the siblings and other birthfamily members made it too difficult and far too painful. It hurts. It hurts so much. I, too, cried for weeks, now months. I thought I would never smile again. I felt so awful, so guilty, so sad.

First and foremost, I want you to know that you owe these people nothing. Nothing. That was the hardest thing for me to learn. This situation involves everyone, and though it is painful for all involved, you have every right to walk away. You cannot change them, you cannot fix the past, and you cannot change their attitudes or fix their hurts. You can only change yourself. I understand the feeling of wanting to “make it work” all too well. We read these forums, and see other’s stories. We see birthmothers and adoptees desperate for a reunion. We see adoptees who will most likely never learn about their genetic pasts, and birthparents who have lived every day of their lives missing and wondering about their child. We see all members of the triad searching- only to find out that the person they were searching for doesnt' want a relationship, or that they have passed on or, perhaps most tragically, they never find them at all.

We see all of these posts, and we say, “How can I give up?” I struggled to walk away. I thought of my pain, I thought of my fellow adoptees and the amazing birthmothers on these forums, and I thought, “How can I just walk away. When is it enough? What if I haven’t tried my hardest? What if I had done this, said that? What have I done wrong?”

Winter, I give you all the virtual hugs in the world, because these answers don’t come easily. And when they do, it hurts. It seems to me like you are not asking for advice on what to do, as you have already made up your mind. You want validation, encouragement, and the strength to do what you need to do, even though it is going to hurt. And it will hurt. Oh, it hurts so badly. I ended my reunion early February of this year and, even now, 3 months later, it is raw. I don’t know how you felt about your birthfamily over the years- if you felt abandoned, lucky, loving, or just grateful. I’ve felt a mixture of all of the above. One time, your birthmother made a choice regarding you. She thought your life would be better without her (for whatever reasons). This affected you, whether deeply or only a bit I cannot say, but it affected you. You longed to know the truth, to know the circumstances, to know your family that never was. After years of searching, and wondering, it is hard to walk away from something that you thought you wanted. It is hard to look one of your birthparents in the eye, and think to yourself. “Now, I am leaving you. I will be better off without you” You don’t do it maliciously, it has nothing to do with revenge, it’s all about self-preservation. It hurts everyone, and Winter I suspect in your situation the person it will hurt most is you.

You do not deserve to be treated like this. No one does. You do not deserve to feel this pain, feel the hurt, the sadness, and the guilt. We would like to think that a reunion would help all of us- that the lost time can be made up slowly, with new love. It is not always like this. Not all birth families are healthy enough to show their love. Not all birth families and adoptees are compatible. It doesn’t always work out, no matter how hard we try. It has nothing to do with failure. It is so sad, but it is not your fault.

I encourage you to do what I did. Think about it, cry about it, pray about it (if that’s what you do), and talk about it. Talk to your family, your friends, and to all of us here on the forums. Write your birthmother (and birth siblings, if you want) a letter. Write them tons of letters, revise them and read them aloud to your dog and get out EVERYTHING you’ve ever wanted to say. Put them in envelopes. Don’t send them. Revise and revise and revise. Express yourself, and then put them away in your desk drawer. If you have an adoption album, but them there. If you feel that your birthmother deserves or would appreciate a goodbye letter, try writing one, and keep it all about you. Use “ I” statements. Do not hurt her feelings. Do not place any blame. Express your feelings tastefully. Don’t shut the door forever, leave it open a crack and walk away. Perhaps one day they’ll be ready. Perhaps losing you for a while will open their eyes. Or maybe they will hardly notice. Either way, you’ve done enough for yourself to allow yourself to heal.


You’ll get through it Winter. I encourage you to think long and hard about what you want, though I agree that a break, perhaps a long break, seems best for you. Some people just don’t know what they have until it’s gone. If you need a break, or if you need to cut contact, do it for yourself. Do not do it to "teach them a lesson" ( I struggled with this .I was angry about how my reunion turned out. I felt that they owed me a good relationship, after they had given away our relationship when I was child. I wanted to leave them to show them how it felt, screwed up as that sounds.) I got over these feelings, and only then was I able to make a healthy decision for myself.


It’s going to hurt, Winter. I can’t lie to you. It’s going to bring you to your knees. You’re going to think about them sometimes. You’ll see a photo, hear a song, watch a commercial, and you’ll wonder about, “what could have been.” It’s not easy to let go of something as un-concrete as your biological past. It's not easy to walk away, when it was something you wanted to find all along.

Give yourself time to grieve, because it is a grieving process. You are grieving for the potential relationships, the birthfamily you were separated from, the people themselves, and for a part of yourself you are leaving behind. Say goodbye in your own way. A silent ‘ thanks for life’ will do. You’ve been given a great gift, go out and live it. Thank them, even if it’s just in your own mind, for everything they’ve done for you, everything they’ve given you (however little it may be) and then let them go.


Wishing you all the PEACE in the world

[winter444]

Amanda,

I have just read this and am crying so hard, THANK YOU so much for your words, I have read some of your posts and I do remember you, you don't even know me but you have touched me very deeply, you are kinder than any of my nfamily have ever been to me.
Right now I do not feel loved, but your words and the time it must have taken for you to write them...wow. this was for me...

I do remember the situation with your father, I'm sorry.
I will write more tomorrow as I need to try and sleep a little, much love xx

[RavenSong]

Dear Winter,

I can't add anything to the wonderful advice that Amanda has given to you -- she's covered it all. (Very eloquent post, btw, Amanda!) I just wanted to send you a big virtual hug. I'm so sorry things didn't work out between you and your birthmother. I'm sorry you're going through this painful time, but I know that you'll make the right decision, one that will be healthy for you. Meanwhile if you ever want to talk to a birthmom, I'm around here a lot...just send me a PM.

[bakerjw]

I hate to hear of anyone having issues with a reunion. It happens and it sucks as for many of us adoptees it becomes almost obsessive. I haven't found any of my bio family as of yet as it is in the hands of an agency so I can't totally relate with what you've been going through. But just remember as you've seen in this post, there are people on here that are in the same boat and situation as you.

My wife bugs me a lot to talk about what I am feeling regarding my adoption and my search, but she van only try to understand but can't really relate so she will never be part of "the club" so to speak. She's visually impaired and even though I can close my eyes and understand to a degree what it is like to be blind, I have the safety net of being able to open my eyes and be able to see again.

I only add this as friends and family can understand up to a point and that is all. Find a local adoption support group if you can and gain strength from them as well.
Best wishes.

[gatorb8]

Winter - time to feel the sunshine of Spring on your face! The people in this chat room has been giving you some great advise. This may sound STUPID, but this whole bio thing (been there done that) is like getting a divorce (been there done that TOO-lol)! You go through many stages-you deny there is a problem, you see a problem but make excuses, you get sad, you get angry and YOU MOVE ON.
Sweet Winter, I have walked in your shoes and I finally realized I was better off without THEM! Keep in mind in MOST cases YOU are usually adopted OUT of a bad situation...face it, that means that USUALLY you were taken from people that did not have any business having kids in the first place(speaking from my OWN personal expierence). Maybe you set your standards WAY too high for some of your Bios? Out of four on my Bio Father's side-I stay in contact with ONE.
Love yourself sweet one, life is too darn short to loose sleep over people who are most likely jealous of what a wonderful person YOU turned out to be!

[Amandak249]

Keep in mind in MOST cases YOU are usually adopted OUT of a bad situation...face it, that means that USUALLY you were taken from people that did not have any business having kids in the first place (speaking from my OWN personal experience)

Magic words, gator! Absolutely. I suspect that people often don’t consider the possibility that their birth relatives may not be the healthiest of people- emotionally, that is. I’m speaking generally, of course, but it’s a definite possibility that may often be overlooked by adoptees when they embark on a search and reunion. Not all situations are like this, of course, but I think it’s safe to say that a fair amount of adoptees were adopted out of less than ideal situations. I know that the circumstances with my birthfamily were very unhealthy, and even after 20 something years- the haven’t changed very much (which is truly unfortunate.) All things to consider when dealing with this type of situation.


Winter—I’m thrilled that you took something out of my words. I read your post and my heart just ached for you, truly. I knew that I had to say something, and if my words gave you any sort of peace, then it was definitely worth it. It’s hard, what you’re going through. It’s difficult sometimes to put ourselves first, and to make decisions that are right for us- especially when they involve potentially hurting other people, or giving up something that was at one time meaningful. Bottom line is that your birthfamily is not worthless; they gave you many things- from your physical features, to your core personality. You share a lot of things with them, and it’s hard to let go. It’s only natural, in my opinion, to feel sad. You’ve already suffered a loss- the disappointment that your biological family, the people that nature and society dictate should be most important to you, were not everything that you had hoped. Now that you’ve decided to remove yourself from this toxic situation, it will hurt even more. It’ll be worth it though. You’ll feel better about yourself, not simply because you are free from this unpleasant and frankly very upsetting situation, but also because you stood up for yourself! You took control of a situation that had previously rendered you helpless, and that knowledge will lessen the disappointment and pain. It's no fun to feel as if you are not appreciated ,or valued.

You deserved EVERY word I wrote. Never feel like you don't. You need and deserve all the support you can get during this difficult time. Feel free to PM me anytime you want, I truly know your pain, I’ve been there, and I’m more than willing to talk to you anytime you need it.

[loveis]

Originally Posted by gatorb8

Keep in mind in MOST cases YOU are usually adopted OUT of a bad situation...face it, that means that USUALLY you were taken from people that did not have any business having kids in the first place(speaking from my OWN personal expierence). :

Wow that is quite a statement to make. From my own personal experience my birthmother ABSOLUTELY should have had kids in the first place. As well as MANY other bmoms. I do get that there are bad situations out there and I feel sorry for those who are in them but there are so many bmoms out there that this does not apply to that I just don't think you can make that kind of a statement and think that it won't hit some people very hard, I could be off base. I am an adoptee and it made me stop in my tracks. The bmoms I know, including my own don't fall into the MOST you are speaking of, they are truly wonderful women whom I think the world of.

I know you were speaking from your own personal situation but honestly I can't imagine making a blanket statement like that when you are speaking of one situation. I know I am speaking from my own as well but I have read many others that just don't support what you stated.

All of this "adoption/reunion stuff" makes my head spin daily and it has truly brought me to my knees some days but thanks to two amazing bmoms I get through all of this and realize that I am so lucky to be in a reunion with such a wonderful bmom and back up bmom (she knows who she is!!) They are remarkable women who I am honored to call one a friend and one, a mother!

Sorry I just really felt compelled to reply, not sure if this made sense I was a little taken aback with the post, maybe I read it wrong?

[winter444]

Wow, everyone..thank you so much for all your kind and understanding words and your great wisdom.
I have thought all day about this.

Gator: Your words hit me like a brick, it was like a light bulb went off!
"YOU are usually adopted OUT of a bad situation" I had never, ever thought of this but it is so true for me. It was a very bad situation. I have even felt sorry for the siblings that were kept.
My a father was extremely abusive and I thought once I found my bio family they would love me, my heart broke in two when all this happened because I know I don't feel loved, except by my kids.
Thinking of this in a different way, I know there is a lot of damage in my nfamily. There is a pain in my heart that hurts so much I have been in the fetal positon sobbing so many times, as Amanda says this is a toxic situation, I just cannot go on with it.
I don't want a life like this.

Amanda: I absolutely love the idea of writing down what I want to say to them, I hear you though when you say not to place any blame, if I hadn't understood you I would have written all kinds of awful things. I too wanted to leave them all to show them how it felt, I wanted them to suffer and know how it feels but I now know I won't be able to move on in a healthy way if I do that.
Another thing is control, I have felt so out of control with all this, waiting and waiting for them to write me back then I felt so sad when they didn't.
In my mind I went over and over why can't they just write to me and let me know how they feel, if they feel they can't have contact because of nmom, just tell me, I'd rather know and would understand more, but when I think about it maybe they just can't tell me, they just can't face me...or maybe they just don't care, I don't know, I thought about emailing again to let them know this but I can't do it, if I get no answer I'll fall apart again. I was told that nmom shows no emotion to anything, ignore it and it will go away, she never talks about anything so what can I expect really.
One of the siblings though I am very surprised at, she told me on the phone all about nmom and felt she was wrong in the way she handled things and that she would never do that to me, but she has ended up doing it.

I know I am better off without them, I know this in my heart and I know it's the right thing. I'm sure there are going to be many more tears but everyone has helped me so much.
I sent these replies to my friend who is also adopted and has been battling these feelings for 10 years, she emailed me back to say she cried but she did need to read these words.
I just wish non of us had to go through any of this. much love to everyone xx

[Amandak249]

loveis - I felt compelled to respond to your post, even though it was not I that made the original statement. I think it is a fair statement to make. In no way does it blanket every experience, not by a long short, but I think it's reasonable to assume that some, if not many, adoptees were placed for adoption because of difficulties or dysfunctional tendencies in the home. Children are not placed for adoption for no reason. It seems that you have found out that your bio family is amazing, and that's fabulous. I wish I could say the same! Some birthfamilies are perfectly wonderful people who many have gone on to have more children and live wonderful lives. Some are, and some are not, and it would be very disrespectful and presumptuous to say that all birth families have problems. But that is not what Baker said.

I don't entirely agree with Baker's use of the word "most" It is, however, true that some, if not many, children are placed for adoption because there is something lacking in their biological families. Poverty, age, and education do not , in my mind, indicate that a birthmother is unfit. Not by a long shot. It is the other variables in adoption such as addiction, dysfunctionality, familial issues, secrets, lies, and mental illness that I am referring to.

Perhaps I'm merely reflecting on personal experience, but since this is Winter's thread, discussing her own personal issues with her birthfamily, I do not find that statement offensive. I don't think it's fair to say that MOST adoptions take place because the birthfamilies have problems, nor do I think it's appropriate to say that MOST birthparents should not be parents. But I do think it's fair to say, particularly on Winter's thread, that many adoptees search only to be very saddened by what they find.

I don't think Baker meant to be offensive, and neither do I. We are here to try and help Winter in her difficult situation, and sharing with her the obvious knowledge that all birthfamilies are not all happy go lucky fun and healthy people who made a few "poor" choices, is in my mind completely warranted. She deserves to know that she is not alone, and that this has happened to many of us. It's a facet of the adoption world that many people with successful and happy birth-families are not always quick to acknowledge. It is not a personal slight to your birthmother, or any of the amazing people on these threads.

Many birthmothers/fathers are totally normal, wonderful, loving and giving individuals, but many are not. The people on these boards GENERALLY are the first type- those who are articulate and healthy enough to explore their loss, their feelings, and their stories. What I am referring to is the other side of the spectrum- those who, like my own birthmother, placed because they knew their children would be safer and happier without them, and who were extremely, extremely correct about that.


I can see why you were offended, as suggesting that ALL or MOST birth families are like this is incorrect and certainly offensive to those adoptees who have searched and been delighted with the results. But we are dealing with a situation where the birthfamily in question is NOT like your's at all. And I think that pointing out that many adoption plans are made for good reason, is not inappropriate. I disagree with Baker's word choice,but the point Baker made stands true, in my opinion. I think the term "many" speaks to the realities of the situation without discrediting or disrespecting those awesome people who do not fit in this category.

[bakerjw]

Uh, wrong poster. I didn't say "most". That was gatorb.

Credit where credit is due.

[PhoenixRising09]

Loveis~ I completely agree. As a birthmother, it is extremely hard (and hurtful) to read some of the things I have read on this forum. Quite frankly, I am staying away from this day forward because of this.

Are birth parents expected to be PERFECT? They aren't and neither are adoptees or their Adoptive parents. Noone is perfect, not by a long shot.

Just my two cents.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by PhoenixRising09

Loveis~ I completely agree. As a birthmother, it is extremely hard (and hurtful) to read some of the things I have read on this forum. Quite frankly, I am staying away from this day forward because of this.

Are birth parents expected to be PERFECT? They aren't and neither are adoptees or their Adoptive parents. Noone is perfect, not by a long shot.

Just my two cents.

What Iwould like to know is what do some of theparents expect from their adult children many years after being placed into another family? What do the aparents ex[pect of their children as adults and they are having children and wondering about heritage ect...I don't think so. Its sad.

Is there any thought at all about what the people who are the adoption may be feeling...I don't think so, I think far to often its about how damaged the mothers are and how the adult childs needs to get it...not the other way around.

asan adoptee I GET VERY hurt ast what I read on blogs ect.....I feel for the ADULT people that are trying to assimulate how they got to where they and be tolod that they are hyretful...hmmm hurtful bewcause they were BORN,

There is an expecatation of adoptees to "just get it"..get itfrom aparents, get itfrom bparents, get it from sibs. from all of society..and most of the time all they want is to just be able to GET what it all means to THEM..but heavens that wou7ld be selfish would't it.....they are not being ccompaasiante enough towards ewveryone elser that had a hand(no matter what the reason) in THEIR OWN BIRTH AND ADO{PTION..but wait..adoption not just about theadoptee right? HEArd that enoiugh.


IT IS about the adoptee......

nobody is expected to be perfect....espeically the adoptee that are being pulled back and forth regardihng their own existence.

[Amandak249]

bakerjw0-I'm SO sorry. I quoted the wrong user! My eyes were playing tricks on me. Ugh, I'm sorry about that.



Phoenix-I hope you'll stay, your opinion counts !

[bakerjw]

np at all.