[PhoenixRising09]

Dpen

How come every time a birth mother expresses HER opinion about how something made her feel (and some of the stuff on this forum is very DEROGATORY and HATEFUL towards birth mothers), she does not care about the adoptee or the thinks the adoptee does not "get it"? I am not telling any adoptee (or anyone for that matter) how to feel about how adoption has affected them. I was giving my OPINION about something and I am allowed my opinion. We are not allowed to have our opinions about how adoption has effected US, but YOU are?

If we come here and made a comment then we don't think the adoptee "gets it"? Just because I said that Noone is perfect, not the birthparents, the adoptee or adoptive parents, I think adoptees don't "get it"? Whatever. I have seen YOU do this time and time again here if a birth mother speaks up and has the NERVE to dare say anything about how rude someone is.

I have lived an existence of ambiguous grief and severe depression after losing my son to an adoption that was supposed to be "open", only to be closed by the people I entrusted with my child. I think about and have thought about every day how my actions and the mistake I MADE may or may not be affecting my child.

I am well aware it is about the adoptee. I don't need you to tell me that. It is, however, also about the mother who brought that child in to this world.


"hey are not being ccompaasiante enough towards ewveryone elser that had a hand(no matter what the reason) in THEIR OWN BIRTH AND ADO{PTION..but wait..adoption not just about theadoptee right? HEArd that enoiugh."


and it was MY OWN BIRTH OF MY CHILD THAT I LOST, to what was supposed to be an open adoption that was reneged on. No, it ISN'T just about the adoptee. It is also about a mother. Granted, you may have your own opinions about that mother, but it IS about her too.

[dpen6]

Because phoenix,

This was a thread about an adoptee hurtingandyou came on made it clear that its bmom that hurts. TThis was NOT about bmoms and you made it so...hsappens every time.

I KNOW bmomshurt....I am sorry for that , butsometimesthe adopteefeelings may NOT meshwith bmoma and it is NOT because they are trying to hurt anyone but because theyare dealing with theirsituation.

The fact that the adoptee was adopted, decsions made for them, and their life changed before they can even speak or think(but they do feel) makes it adoption about the adoptee.

Does that mean everyones'sconcerns are not valid...no...it just means that the adoptee becausethey are only human, has to do what makes them feel stable in a very unstable situation/.

Our mere existence affects the whole triad and beyond. Our feelings are called hurtful.
The OP was lookingforhelp and you charged in and accused them ofbeing hurtful.....why? HoW?

Adoption CAN be hurtful, sometimes its tough to hear but its reality. One adoptee's feelings about their situaion does't mean that all adoptees hate bmoms that isfar from the truth. But itdoes't help the adoptee to figure things out when theoir is always a bmom or adoptive parent waiting to tell them how terrible and hurtful theyare because they have to do what is right for them.

I have not seen anything derogttory towards bmoms in a genral sense, I have seen indivual people describe THEIR bmom sometimes, as being troublesome. thats their reality. Some adopttes have had issues with their aparentsto....

Youy think adoptees don't get what? We get the fact thatwe were born and placed for adoption. As a result some are dealing with trying to assimualte who they are andwhere they belong.

The mothers are dealingwith the fact that thisone person is the one thatis the cause of pain or joy...

The feelings andhurt, pain, joy is FOCUSED on the one adoptee...thats why I say adoption is suppose to be about the adoptee. They were place for their own good ect.

Do we attempt to understand what the motherswent through, are we able to get that...YES. It was horrible and unfair many times. But thatdoes not take away from the job of adoptee figuring themselves out...based uponh THEIR OWN ADOPTION.

An adoptee havingdifficulty with that is NOT hateful, even though some bmoms may want tosay that..they are dealing with their own issues based upon their own adoption. I say the thing thatt would help them the most isif they were giving the space and understanding todo that.

[gatorb8]

LoveIs,
I did not mean to offend you (or any worthy birthmoms).
I did say MOST situations-I have worked in the foster care system and with adopted children and I guess I should have worded that "In most cases that I have seen." I do believe there are some very wonderful birthmoms out there. God bless them for having the strength and to be unselfish enough to give up their precious child in hopes they would/will have a better life.


[quote=loveis]Wow that is quite a statement to make. From my own personal experience my birthmother ABSOLUTELY should have had kids in the first place. As well as MANY other bmoms. I do get that there are bad situations out there and I feel sorry for those who are in them but there are so many bmoms out there that this does not apply to that I just don't think you can make that kind of a statement and think that it won't hit some people very hard, I could be off base. I am an adoptee and it made me stop in my tracks. The bmoms I know, including my own don't fall into the MOST you are speaking of, they are truly wonderful women whom I think the world of.

[Amandak249]

This thread was created by Winter in that hope that we as people involved in adoption, regardless of whether we are birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents, or anyone in between, could help her out.


This the adoptee forum, and this particular thread was meant to help an adoptee. Many of us have our opinions, and are not reluctant to remind Winter that not every birthfamily is healthy, which may help her understand her own situation. It is not a personal attack, and more importantly, it is not a lie. No one demands perfection- in fact, I'd be more inclined to say that in the adoption triangle, it is the adoptive parents who are "supposed to be perfect"- raising "someone else's child." But that doesn't matter! It's just a stereotype.

The point is, the whole adoption world is FULL of stereotypes that are hurtful and completely incorrect. "All adoptees have mental issues because of their adoption, all adoptive families love their bio kids more, all birthmothers and father's are messed up, drug using, losers who don't love their kids." WE know that all of that isn't true, and no one would ever post such things ( and if they did, they have some unresolved issues to work through, and should be corrected.) Not everything is a personal attack- let's all consider who is doing the posting, and where that person may be coming from.

No one means to hurt, at least not on this thread. Though I cannot know the inner workings of anyone here but myself, I didn't see any of the comments here to be indicative of an entire group of people. If there are adoptees out to hurt birthparents with their words, or any other member of the triad posting to deliberately hurt any other member- that's wrong, and people should speak up. But general statements- whether or not we agree or whether or not they apply to us- are not usually meant to hurt, and none of us are stupid enough to think that they are meant to apply to EVERYONE. If you have an opposing opion, all you need to do is say:

" I hear you, but I want the OP to know that not all adoptees/birthfamilies/adoptive families are like that. My situation is blah blah blah."


Adoption is a personal, and often painful, place for all of us, but not everything here is meant to be taken personally.

I also wanted to add that I think it does a disservice to all birthmothers who placed their children to be associated automatically by the public with mother's whose children were taken from them by the state after harming them in some way(physically, emotionally etc). These women are often called birthmothers too, and it gives the women who placed by choice to give their children more an unfortunate label. Perhaps a lot of confusion comes from this? In my own situation, unfortunately, I was placed for adoption in the late 80's, and every single child my birthmother has had since then has been removed- all 6 of them(save one who was raised by the biofather.) That's where I'm coming from. We've all got different stories- and they shape how we interpret and judge everything around us. Though I'm sure all of you already know that!

Sorry for all of your troubles, Winter. We'll talk more on the PM, our situations are so alike it's creepy

[sammyhas3]

Originally Posted by dpen6

What Iwould like to know is what do some of theparents expect from their adult children many years after being placed into another family? What do the aparents ex[pect of their children as adults and they are having children and wondering about heritage ect...I don't think so. Its sad.

Is there any thought at all about what the people who are the adoption may be feeling...I don't think so, I think far to often its about how damaged the mothers are and how the adult childs needs to get it...not the other way around.

asan adoptee I GET VERY hurt ast what I read on blogs ect.....I feel for the ADULT people that are trying to assimulate how they got to where they and be tolod that they are hyretful...hmmm hurtful bewcause they were BORN,

There is an expecatation of adoptees to "just get it"..get itfrom aparents, get itfrom bparents, get it from sibs. from all of society..and most of the time all they want is to just be able to GET what it all means to THEM..but heavens that wou7ld be selfish would't it.....they are not being ccompaasiante enough towards ewveryone elser that had a hand(no matter what the reason) in THEIR OWN BIRTH AND ADO{PTION..but wait..adoption not just about theadoptee right? HEArd that enoiugh.


IT IS about the adoptee......

nobody is expected to be perfect....espeically the adoptee that are being pulled back and forth regardihng their own existence.

Yes I was hurt losing my daughter Yes I was hurt learning after 22 years she never knew she was adopted ........ But I made some choices in my life that YES I would like to change but I cant. I love my daughter to death just like I do the childern I raised. But she does not have to GET ME or Get what I want out of our reuion, If she hated my guts I would still love her the same as if I had raised her. Do I think she will return that kind of love I hope and pray some day she will. When I lost her to adoption I gave up that part of What I wanted ,,,,, to make her life better. My life was not better because she was not in it but it is better now because I know she did have better than what I could give her at the time. I dont like it ...... but I live with it I dont blame anyone but me how could I ? She does not understand the way I am heck she has only known me for 5 years that is a start of a life long friendship..... not parent hood... to me it is all about the adoptee....Its your child it should always be about your childern and not about you. we are keepers of childern to raise them love them and let them go Adopted raised or just the kid around the corner that you say is yours because he is always at your house.

[dpen6]

Sammy,

Thank YOU! And with that attitude I really beleive that reunion is an easier road for the adoptee.....

Not without problems for everyone invovled but one defense mechanism can be drooped for the adoptee...anf the process ofgetting to know each othe can proceed.

[PhoenixRising09]

I think about and have thought about every day how my actions and the mistake I MADE may or may not be affecting my child.


My apologies for any misunderstanding and to Winter. I did not mean to take away from her post whatsoever.

[EZ2Luv]

I don't know about anyone else but My Bmom's rejection of me at brither was definately God's protection, but that i sMY situation. When I was forced to find Bfamily for medical info I was met with reisitance and hostility. I had n problem walking away. May be because I never wanted to search, had no desire for any kind of relationship or reunion and was actaully relived though pissed that the one heroin addict bisis attemptted to use me as an ATM on the premis that I was her "sister" I caught that act and nipped it in the bud. Also if anything it just made me even more thankful that I was not raised in that family. Again, this is just my story, I do not speak for anyone else and make no apologies for my feelings.
Adoptees are the ONLY side of teh "triad" who had no say in the matter of beinntg adopted. The adults did and that would be the 2 other sides of teh "triad". I am not saying Bmoms don't have feelings but this is not about Bmoms, this is about adoptees, the innocent victims, who were babies with no voice or say in the matter. Some where along the line the adults made the ultimate decisiion, I dn't care who crys coercion, pressure, fear of untimatums ect that caused those papers to be signed, these are the facts.

EZ

[Amandak249]

I don't know about anyone else but My Bmom's rejection of me at brither was definitely God's protection, but that is MY situation.

I must admit that I feel similar sentiments, though I'm a little embarrassed to admit it. I believe that everything was divinely created, including my placement with my family, but even people who don't can feel similar feelings. I cannot say with CONVICTION that my life would have been better- because I don't have a crystal ball. I can't see what may have been. I can surmise, I can even wonder, but I can't be sure. I have 8 other siblings, 6 of whom remained with my birth family long enough to suffer (the other two were adopted out), and their records give me a fairly good indication of what my life would have been like- and I do not like what I see. Perhaps some of those children, particularly the ones immediately following my own birth, may not even have been born if my parents had been busy parenting me. Who knows. I surely don't, and I am hesitant to make any sort of big statements about it.

My birth parents gave me 2 gifts- the first was life, and the second was a chance at a life better than the one they could give me at that time. I don't fully know their motives, and even if both gifts were given by accident- they were received with gratitude. I'll never say (except perhaps in a moment of anger) "I am SURE glad I wasn't raised by THEM" because I amthem. Not fully, as I belong to my adoptive family. I am them as well. I'm a mixture of 4, and who knows what I'd be like if I was made up of only 2?

I refuse, however, -just as Winter refuses- to become a part of their craziness. I refuse to allow their present issues to become my issues. And I refuse to allow them, just because they share my blood, to hurt me and make me feel as if I do not matter. I felt that with them towards the end- that what I thought and what I felt wasn't as important as what my bsister felt, or what other members of the birth family felt. So I left. It took me a long time to do so. At least two years. I finally had to convince myself that I'd be OK without them- that I had the right to leave. I finally realized that none of us owe each other anything, except respect.

That's what this thread is about. That is Winter's dilemma. This is the problem at hand- and it's a tough one: How much is too much? When do we let go?

It's difficult to give up on something so beautiful, so primal, as a biological families respect and love for one another. It is difficult to give up on that connection that we want. We know all about family love- we get it everyday in our families, our adoptive families (hopefully!). But when many of us go to reunite, we are expecting that biological love to be there too. We want that connection. We expect it to be there, we want it to be there. Some times it is, and life comes full circle. Love blossoms, and it's amazing. But sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes, even when it is, there are too many issues clouding it, obscuring it from view. There is only so much time that we can grope around for it, search for it in the dark.There's only so long we can keep going before we give up. We always had hope as a light in that darkness- but hope and wishing can only shine so bright.


That's where we stand, or at least, that's where I stand. Okay Winter. Sorry I'm done making assumptions about your feelings. I'm sort of projecting my own onto you, as I feel our situations are so similar! We'd love to hear from you- how are you handling things?

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by winter444

Quick update: found bmom, had terrible reunion and it ended as she was very cold and we could not have privacy, located 1/2 siblings, two were over the moon to hear from me, even called me to say so. Never heard back from one, that was last year. The other has not been answering any of my emails, well...except to send a one liner months ago...

These siblings have not even bothered to let me know anything, they have just disappeared, this is after one of them talked to me for hours several times saying he'd never treat me the way my nmom had done...

I have an adoptee friend who has been going through this for over 10 years, her siblings cut her off and she falls apart, then they write again and it all starts up again, I cannot do it.thank you for any advice.

Hi Winter,

After reading your post and thinking about your situation, as an adoptee who is also in reunion, I want you to know that I understand how you feel.

With that being said, I would tell you to walk away.

I believe, when you first meet people, they show themselves to you right away. All you have to do is really watch how they behave and you can learn a lot.

Sometimes we do not want to really "see" what is happening. We desperately want things to work out, so we push aside behaviors we would never accept from others, in hopes that things will improve and this bond we feel can be properly nurtured.

We fool ourselves sometimes and that is to our detriment.

I say that because I think you are really seeing the people your bios truly are. I commend you for recognizing that your bios are treating you poorly and they seem perfectly content to do so. That speaks volumes about who they are as people and you are absolutely correct to cut ties with individuals like this....biology or no biology.

Learn from your friend who has hung around for 10 years, exposing herself to this kind of garbage. Respect yourself first and allow those people to fade to black. Honestly, they probably treat everyone in their life like this and it isn't about you.

They are toxic and like any other poison, the healthy thing to do is to get rid of it.

All the best Winter

Kim

[shadow riderer]

I've been following this thread because I know how Winter feels. I know how difficult it is to make that decision to let go. I started to post early on because I wanted you to know, Winter, you have my support, and I care. I just couldn't find any words that I felt would give you comfort. For the record, Winter, you aren't alone in this, and are definitely loved.

In regards to the turn this thread has taken, I read the comment about people, who shouldn't have children to begin with, and I have to admit, it stopped me in my tracks too. My next thought was, "Oh dear. That ought to start world war III." Speaking for myself, it was obvious to me that statement was not meant to stereo type birth mothers, or hurt them. It was just a statement made, based on someone's own experience, and meant as a means to help Winter. This is an adoptee forum, of course, adoptees, who are hurt and angry, are going to post potintionally hurtful things about Bparents and a parents. I,myself, have posted an abundance of things on this forum over the past four years, that I am positive have been extremely difficult for the birth mothers to hear. They were my feelings, based on my experience, posted in an attempt to work through two very difficult reunions, and understand, not only myself, but my birth parents. None of my comments were ever, intentionally, ment to hurt, diminish, etc., birthparents. I am so thankful to many of the birth mothers on this forum for understanding that and for their help, support, understanding, compassion, and tolerence, as I worked through all this reunion stuff. I wouldn't have made it without them. I thank God for putting these birthmothers in my path, so that I would know that, no, not all birth mothers are like mine, as well as, helping me understand my own birth parents better. They helped me accept the situation for what it is. Had they not been compassionate towards me and shared their stories, without slamming me for expressing my feelings, I would probably hate my own birthmother today, after all she has done. The birthmothers on this forum gave me the understanding and compassion, my own birthparents were not capable of giving me. You see, my reunions are exactly what Dpen is talking about. I did not and do not matter to my birthparents. They will both deny that. They will tell you they love me. Maybe in their own way they do, but their actions and behavior say otherwise.

Amanda, your "Geez" poast was great.

Sammy, I read your poast and thought, "God bless you for getting it."

Winter, take care of yourself. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. I know how much it hurts.

..and to the Bmoms on this board I mentioned..I hope you all know who you are...Thank you.

[never_good_enough]

In response to all birthmom's that want to be heard from their point of view.

You gave me away.
You let them take me.
You didnt come find me.
What did I do to you?

Dont care what your motivations were, or your fears were, I lost my mommy and she never came back.

Live it: and say I forgive, till then........

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by never_good_enough

In response to all birthmom's that want to be heard from their point of view.

You gave me away.
You let them take me.
You didnt come find me.
What did I do to you?

Dont care what your motivations were, or your fears were, I lost my mommy and she never came back.

Live it: and say I forgive, till then........

I see that you've just joined the forums here, so I thought I'd give you a "heads up". If you stick around, you'll discover that almost all of the birthmoms here have either already reunited with their children, are searching for their children, are preparing themselves for reunion, or are participating in Open Adoptions and have contact with their children on an on-going basis. And, yes, we do "live it" each and every day of our lives. But you're kind of preaching to the choir here...

I'm sorry your birthmother hasn't found you yet. Have you registered on all the search/reunion registries?

[Daveb2]

I find reading posts on these forums can be both a great help and a source of distress. I have come to the conclusion that adoption is the death of a life that might have been and like any death we do not get over it but have to find some way to live with it. It is never easy and over the years has every high and low you can imagine. Depending on the day i still have so many unanswered questions about the way i feel inside but after 63 years i am finally getting a handle on how to live with it.
We all have a rough and rocky road to travel and i wish you all the smoothest route you can find.
Good luck

[Drywall]

Yes...it is time to walk away....whatever status you have been given by your a-family, e.g. outsider, distant person, annoyance, lost child, etc. may change for some members of the family, but those who have provided you with their own status in terms of their feelings about you, in all likely hood, those feelings will remain unchanged...you have been sentenced.

In my own case I was an adoptee. I was kept as an outsider and never allowed entrance to my birth a-family. My a-family reinforced my lack of value through abuse until my status changed from adoptee, to slave.

In the end, my a-family asked that I care for my a-mother who had promoted all the abuse.

For 30 years my hope for admittance to the family continued. I longed for love, caring, compassion and respect. Each day there was hope that the quest to join my a-family may make my dreams become a reality.

Throughout those years when I did family care taking, I was the peacemaker and provided the strength to clean up the wreckage of family disasters. But, I was still an outsider who was tainted and suspect...available for use during crisis situations, but having no real status.

In the end I gave up. I divided my adoption experience into 3 parts of reality:

The first part was what I wanted:

To be a family member and to be loved, cared for, respected and protected within my a-family. I wanted family status and value.

Secondly, I evaluated what my a-family wanted from me.

They wanted nothing more than to have some one on whom they could call during a-family crisis. They accepted my help, but reserved the right to demand more and in some cases used the help not as it was offered, but in their own way.

The Third and Final Part:

I looked at my relationship with my a-family. Had there been any change in my status now as an adult than when I was a child? Are things any better now? Am I still allowing my feelings and concerns to be ruled by their demands? Isn't my status as an outsider the same now as it has always been?

Finally, I asked the last question in terms of a status review. It was a reality check. I wondered, is there any chance that I can ever attain the hopes and dreams of becoming a family member in my a-family? The answer was no.

I gave up. I ended my status with my a-family. Did they change and try to repair the damage? No! Did they care? No!....the change was none....and I gave no additional time trying to please them. All I felt was the MLK quotation " free at last."

Adoption is not easy. Many adoptees who have re-united continue to feel that the adoption experience is a lifelong sentence. I would hope that all adoptees, if there is a re-union, evaluate their b-family role, or the a-family role if their relationship becomes difficult. Make your feelings known.

As adoptees, we are not just 2nd class citizens with a questionable background...we are people with goals, dreams and ideas just as the rest of the world. Help, creativity, concern, patience, and understanding is provided to people everywhere. The contributions we offer are not different.

Drywall