[Wyrman332]

I am fully convinced that my friends and family don't get the fact that my adoption has a lot to do with my incredibly horrible self esteem. My girlfriend called me stubborn and very closed up when it comes to people helping me or complimenting me.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that I feel like I have to validate myself, every day of my life, to everyone. I can't trust anyone when they say "You do a good job" or "You're a great person".

I don't trust them at all. Almost as if I feel they're just saying that to end my crummy self esteem. Why am I so stubborn???!!!??

What worse is it effects my relationships with most everyone in my life. I will only do things to please them, and not ever feel comfortable enough receiving. I guess always the host, never the hosted?

CT

[Dickons]

You are correct...people cannot truly understand what they cannot imagine, it is something that we will always have to face. I had lunch with a friend and I told her about the two women from Oregon who were switched at birth in the hospital in 1953 and just found out it that the rumors from back then were true. My friend said she would not want to meet her birth family, her family was who she was raised with, and then saw my open mouth and tried to see it from my point of view as an adoptee...long story short, I think the concept of identity factors into our inate self esteem and how we form it as babies and children being in closed adoptions versus raised with our birth family came into the discussion...and really if you get right down to the nuts and bolts, I think it all boils down to the difference we experience without having a biological reference point to validate us at a level that is not a conscious level but from deep inside.

Sorry that I am rambling but I do understand what you are saying and they are common feelings from adoptees...

If you change your expectations of what you expect them to understand, and accept that they cannot, perhaps it will make the journey easier or at least less frustrating? Most people you meet just cannot get it at that same level. I do think we end up with more empathy and that can never be a bad thing.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[tk1fry]

I can relate to that as well. I also seek validation at times to a point where it may not be healthy. For me I kept my adoption a secret from EVERYONE until last year. Its a chicken or the egg thing for me, its not so much the adoption but keeping the secret that gave rise to self esteem issues. What I mean by that is that I was constantly afraid that people would find out that I am a fraud, not who I said I was. That has happened at work, relationships (friends, girlfriends, wife and so on). For me I find strength in relating to others. All of our fears and other issues are very similar. I have built a small (very small) circle of friends who are also adopted and we all use each other as support. Its nice to know we are not alone.

[erikamarie]

you are not alone. I relate to that. It felt as if I was reading about myself! I am also so shut off from others, i hide my feelings from them in fear of feeling vulnerable. I can not take compliments or anything else. it is so bad to where even if someone buys me dinner I will find a way to pay them back. Even when I was little and my friends mom would take us to lunch, I would stick money in her purse later so that I felt like i owed her nothing.

the other thing is feeling like you are always going to be abandoned. I would always run in the other direction as soon as someone found out too much about me. It made having a boy friend really difficult. I always felt like they were going to abandon me and so I would sabatage those relationships before that was possible. I am learning though, i didnt even know i was doing it until one guy called me out on it. I really do know how you feel and it is nice to know that it is not just me!

[beegirl73]

Read as many books about adoption as you can Primal Wound, Journey of the Adopted Self, etc. I did and they helped me understand my behavior better. I also realized that I am not alone, I am not a freak, there are thousands of people who feel the same way. Ask your girlfriend to read them too. I would also suggest talking to a therapist. It's amazing how talking to an un-biased non-related third party, even if you just go once, can make a difference. You find yourself saying things that you didn't fully realize until you say it out loud. Good luck, you are not alone.

[Josh5339]

I can definitely relate to that. My whole life I've had a horrible self esteem, but after years of being tormented in school on top of that - needless to say, I'm broken. Might just be adolescence angst (only 21) that's bringing everything to tipping point.

I always have a fear of others leaving, that someone will find out that I'm just an impostor in this world filled with human beings and run as fast and as far away as possible. Any negative criticism is really hard to take, because I only yearn for approval as a being - I take anything negative as reinforcement of this belief of being "waste." Whenever something really bad happened in my past - such as first speeding ticket - I was really depressed, not because of the ticket but because I thought my father would disown me. It's happened before, it can happen again.

When I don't hear from a friend in a long while, in the back of my mind the first thought that comes to mind is "they found out who I really am, they don't want anything to do with me - I knew it would happen!" Then, later, that notion's dispelled only to come back up later after being incognito for a while. I think that sucks the most, the feeling that everything is temporary - I keep everything in my life, even parents, temporary.

Does it effect our self-esteem? Yeah, I'd say it does. I thought I was a freak for most of my life, then reading books and looking more into it - everything had an answer, it all linked back to adoption... which brings complications, but at least I know my "species" now.

[hopefulfor1more]

As I read the thread, I am thinking of my sons (they are 3 right now). Instinctively I want to protect them from having to deal with the very difficult feelings you all have expressed and are presently dealing with. So I have a question is what can I do as a parent to help them have good self esteem, to feel rooted and grounded, and, for lack of a better word, whole? I am not sure that they will be able learn much about or reunite with their biological family because of the circumstances around their removal. I have very little information to give them about their bio family and what I do have. I am not sure that anyone can be entirely without questions/feeling/some degree of loss that has been involve in adoption in any way shape or form, but I love my boys with all my heart and I want to do mt very best by them. Thank you for your help in advance.

[beegirl73]

hopefulfor1more - I would also encourage you to read books like The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier and Journey of the Adopted Self by B. J. Lifton and then have your kids read them when they are old enough. The most important thing is to be honest with your children, tell them EVERYTHING you know, good or bad, it's their history and they deserve/need to know it. Make sure that you acknowledge that they have suffered a loss and they need to grieve, let them know that it's okay to feel bad about being adopted. A lot of adoptees hold back their feelings because they are afraid of hurting their adopted parents feelings. This isn't a debate about who their "real" parents are, it's about recognizing that your children have two sets of parents and they all have a place in their lives, whether that place is emotional or physical. The bottom line is that a lot of adoptees feel different, out of place, and uncomfortable in their own skin because everything around them feels unfamiliar, like it could have/should have been someone elses life and that any moment everything can change. Like Josh5339 said above me "the feeling that everything is temporary".

I think that it is great that you are acknowledging that your children could have issues with adoption. Start now, even when they young by being open and honest about their adoption. Let them know that it's okay to talk about it but don't force them too. Acknowledge that they are different and celebrate those differences. Good luck.

[hopefulfor1more]

So would you say that the biggest reason for the conflicted feelings and lower self esteem that the folks on this thread are describing is lack of honesty and support/acknowledgement from the adoptive family of the need for some type of knowledge of the biological family. Thanks for the response. I have always and will continue to be honest with my boys about their adoption. I don't really have any prior knowledge of the feelings surrounding adoption from the perspective of the adoptee, but it just seems logical to me that parents should be honest with their children.

[Dickons]

Hopefulfor1more,

I have been mulling over your post and trying to find the words that will clarify my feelings...

Conflicted feelings and lower self-esteem stem from being adopted. Being honest and acknowledging the loss will help mitigate the feelings, but never believe they will go away because they don't, and I have almost a half century to base that on. Things my mom and dad did or didn't do - did not cause those feelings, they are what they are and praying, wishing, pretending won't make them go away. Simply allowing your children the dignity to have those feelings without causing them to believe they hurt you - will help.

Being adopted does not stop someone from achieving what they want to achieve, it is simply a part of who we are, what we are.

Personally, if all adopted parents would raise their voices in unison to stop stripping children of every shred of self identity to their biological roots for their entire life. That would start to address the issues most adoptees face at some point in their lives in regards to self esteem and identity. Sadly, I fear the day will never come when that will happen, and all I can see is the same issues happening to the next generation of adoptees and the one after that forever.

Adoptees do grow up and what has been stripped from us hurts and it hurts me more, the older I get.

Just be a good parent and above all, never ever lie and remember that lies of omission are the same as an outright lie...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[hopefulfor1more]

Dickons, I think you made some very good points and I really appreciate what you said. I think it would be in the best interest of the children we love to support and aid their identity to their biological rootsin anyway we can. I can't, of course, speak for all adoptive parents but I can see how important that is. I also can see that no matter what my children will ultimately have to deal with their feelings about being adopted, good, bad, and in between. I feel a bit sad that they will have some degree of loss and pain no matter what, but I am absolutley determined to support them in any way I can.

"As to your wish that all adoptive parents would raise their voice in unison" I can only say that I never really thought about these issues until I starting reading threads like this one. When I was considering fostering and eventually adoption, all of the education I received was about providing a stable home, love being enough, and that an adopted child was your child in every sense of the word. I believe a more honest and complete picture of adoption would be a good start towards not repeating the cycle for another generation. Preadoptive parents need to understand that in order to completely love and provide the best for our children we must be prepared to support biological identity. Freer access to information would also be necessary. Am I on the right track here?

[Dickons]

Yes, Yes and Yes...

As an adoptee I am part of both families and both families are my family...

Awareness and empathy of both sides allows the finding of the common ground and the beginning of peace for all.


Kind regards,
Dickons

[white_elephant]

[quote=white_elephant]I found that what helps the most for peace of mind and heart is to read and concentrate on all of the loving things that people do, say, and think. There is alot. I felt so horribly alone and excluded, couldn't see any good at all. I know what it is to be thoroughly confused.

People do want to listen and do care, but I have to be willing to find someone that I can trust just a little bit, and go very slow. This thread has been a wonderful place for me to read and quietly listen to the hearts and thoughts of all sides involved. We are all hear for the same issues. We all hurt, we all love and we all care, and obviously none of us are alone here. I've been so afraid I'd mess up that I wouldn't even post here.

I used to think that I had to be perfect in front of everyone in order for them to like me...not love me just like me. Truth.... I didn't like myself no matter how hard I tried. So, I am allowed to be imperfect and so is everyone else, and I'm not alone at all. It's awesome to find out that no matter the situation or what I think others have that I don't, they feel just like me at times. They feel they are missing something in another area of life.

I'm glad to have found this thread and to learn that it's ok if I'm unique. It's ok if my family doesn't understand because you all do. No one is fully understood all the time, no one. That's what makes us all different no matter or circumstances. Not better or worse or of no value, but just different.

I read the care in the stuggles of adoptive mothers and fathers behind them, and hear how concerned they are to raise thier children well... it's good. It's very good.

God Bless

Marilyn

[luckypenny]

I am half-adopted (birth mother and adoptive father).

Although my adoptive father is on-board with me maintaining relationships with my birth father and half-brother, my birth mother cringes at the mention of my birth father's name. Furthermore, she maintains publicly that my adoptive father is my birth father, which my immediate family members know to be patently false.

I'm conflicted because I am about to start a family of my own, and I would like to provide my children and step-children with the benefit of knowing my entire known village (including my birth father and half-brother). My mother considers the idea a major betrayal of "her secret."

I have two questions, as I am feeling alone and misunderstood as well:

1. How can I impart to my mother that, while I love her, it is detrimental to my mental well-being to shoulder the burden of hiding family members from other family members?

2. Am I being totally selfish in my unwillingness to perpetuate her story the way that she tells it and play by her rules?

[-maggie]

Originally Posted by luckypenny

I am half-adopted (birth mother and adoptive father).

Although my adoptive father is on-board with me maintaining relationships with my birth father and half-brother, my birth mother cringes at the mention of my birth father's name. Furthermore, she maintains publicly that my adoptive father is my birth father, which my immediate family members know to be patently false.

I'm conflicted because I am about to start a family of my own, and I would like to provide my children and step-children with the benefit of knowing my entire known village (including my birth father and half-brother). My mother considers the idea a major betrayal of "her secret."

I have two questions, as I am feeling alone and misunderstood as well:

1. How can I impart to my mother that, while I love her, it is detrimental to my mental well-being to shoulder the burden of hiding family members from other family members?

2. Am I being totally selfish in my unwillingness to perpetuate her story the way that she tells it and play by her rules?

Luckypenny, Boy, your mom sounds a LOT like mine! I was raised with my bmom and adad. My bio dad was killed when I was a baby though and my mother remarried and I was adopted when I was 22 months old. I think my mom has convinced herself that my adad is my bdad. Family knew the truth, but no one else did.

I used to follow Mom’s rules, I didn’t want to hurt her or my adad. I finally realized that this was HER issue, not mine. It is not possible for me to know my dad. But, I could know his family and she refuses to understand that. I learned to have a separate relationship with them and it has worked quite nicely for me. I am close with my bdad’s family now. I needed to take care of myself and I have never regretted my decision. I pray that she will come around and try to see this from my point of view. Not knowing my bdad’s family is something I just couldn’t live with.

I don’t think you are selfish at all! I think you just need to do what is best for you.