[Amandak249]

In light of the many recent discussing on the forums about ‘real’ parents, biology and nature vs. nurture, I’d like to pose a question to my fellow adoptees.

Do you consider your birthparents your mom and dad? I’m not talking about biologically, because I doubt any of you will say that your birthparents are not your biological relatives. I’m not talking about the law, because none of our birthparents are legally our guardians.

What I mean is that are they YOUR mom and dad? Do you consider them a mom and dad at all? ( if not THE mom and dad- if that makes sense) According to you. When a friend or colleague asks about your parents, do you think of all four? Or just your adoptive parents? Does your relationship with your birthparents (whether you are in reunion or not) 'merit' the terms mom and dad? Why or why not? Why do you feel the way you do?

I’ve been in reunion for nearly 10 years, and despite having spent weeks in person and hours on the phone with both of my birthparents and birth siblings, I do not consider them my mom my dad or even my family. In my birthfather’s situation, perhaps it is because our relationship did not goes as smoothly as I had hoped (due to sibling issues.)

But with my birthmother there is no concrete reason. She is pleasant, intelligent, and sweet.She showers me with affection when we are together, and though it is stressful to me, I enjoy her company. She is also an addict who has been in jail multiple times for various offenses. I am one of my birthmother's 9 children from at least 4 different fathers (3 of whom have been relinquished for adoption, 2 have been raised by their fathers alone, and 4 of whom are currently in foster care.) I am grateful for having been placed for adoption because I now know what my life would have been like had I been raised by my biological family. I know that both of my birthparents love me, and I like them both as well. But I like them as people, because I have gotten to know them- and not as parents.

I would love to be able to say that I see them as a mom and dad along with my adoptive parents, but I just cannot. I am an extremely compassionate person, and I would love to feel that connection with them. I am grateful that I was placed for adoption, but I am not grateful to them, per say. They did what they had to do in a difficult situation. I am grateful to have escaped the small hell my birthmother subjects her children to (in the form of absence, drug and alcohol abuse, and exposure to various difficult and harmful situations)

I know that my birthmother and birthfather see me as their daughter, and that makes me angry. Though it is flattering to know that they people love me (because- who can have enough love?), I do not like that they view themselves as my mom and dad" just as my adoptive parents are. I don't think that by conceiving me and giving birth (my bmother found out she was pregnant at 5 months during an unrelated ER visit so abortion was never an option) they have earned their " mom and dad-ness." I don’t especially want to acknowledge them in that way.

They seemingly did not learn anything from their pain at relinquishing me, as they both went on to have subsequent children (1 for birthfather, 6 for birthmother) none of whom they raised. Perhaps I would feel differently if I was an isolated incident. I am not a one time mistake, a placement they regretted for the rest of their lives, a lost child whom they loved and thought of for the past 20 years. I am just one of many, many children who they had but could not care for, and I refuse to give them the credit of ‘selflessness’ that society says I owe them.

In my eyes, they are not a mom and dad. Not to me. I love them, but do not consider them a mom and dad, in any sense except the biological one.

I’ve heard the opinion of many birthparents. I’ve heard the opinions of many adoptive parents, and while all members of the triad they are welcome ( and encouraged) to share their thoughts, my main objective is you hear YOUR thoughts, fellow adoptees.

I do not wish to make any sort of vast statements about birthparents in general, or adoption in general. I am not out to hurt anyone’s feelings, or suggest in any way that my feelings should be universal- that all birthparents are like mine, and all adoptees are like me. Everybody’s situation is different. I want to know your personal opinion, reflective of your circumstances, experiences, and feelings.

[manni28]

In my eyes, they are not a mom and dad. Not to me. I love them, but do not consider them a mom and dad, in any sense except the biological one.

My thoughts exactly. My aparents are mom amd dad, period! Although I have a good relationship with my bparents, my aparents are the ones who are my parents ( mom & dad). I wouldn't feel badly about the way you feel even in an OA,where both bparents are present, they aren't mom & dad. The relationship is more like a close aunt or uncle type of role. Children know who are mom and dad-they are the ones raising them.

[wishfulthinker]

It's impossible to consider unknown strangers as my mom and dad. I don't even know their names - nothing. Right now I consider them my birth parents.

My mom and dad are the parents that raised me. I believe that I will always feel that way, although if my search is ever successful, I really don't know for certain how I will feel towards my bparents. I hope I will find out some day.

[EES07]

Well, I guess I'll reply from the completely opposite side as the rest of you! I definitely consider my birthparents mom and dad, and I never ever think of them or call them birth parents except in situations like this when I am actually making a disctinction.

I am in a completely different situation that most adoptees however. My birth parents got married and had 3 more children after me and are still married. After a year and a half of reunion, I relocated halfway across the country just to be with them. My adoptive parents have been less than honest and open about everything, not just reunion, but adoption in general for my whole life. I often felt just like a prized child, a face they could put on so noone would know they could'nt have kids of thir own. I know they love me, but there are many things lacking.

However, those are reasons why I felt ok with moving, not reasons why my birthparents are mom and dad. I consider them mom and dad because they have supported me 100% from the time I was born. They wanted to keep me, but had absolutely no support from family or society in general to be able to do so. They were both college kids and pretty much immature. Looking back now, they do regret it, but at the time, there were few options. They never once stopped thinking of me and thinking I should be here with them.

So anyways, fast foward to now. They've naturally and easily filled the hole of yearing I've had for my family my whole life. I can't even really put the feeling into words, but its absolutely amazing. Its like I've been away for years and have finally come home. This is exactly how my life should be, they are a part of it plus my three siblings. I still go through pangs of doubt that it will all work out, but those are my abandonment issues at work. As things are now, they will be in my life forever, and I in theirs. The way it was meant to be from the start.

So yes, they are most certainly mom and dad to me, always have been and always will be

[EZ2Luv]

Wishfulthinker said it all. My sentiment exactly. Only exception is my bmom turned out to be someone I knew though she took her secret to the grave even still I cannot imagine considering her as mom As far as bfather. I will never know. He is a merely as stranger that shares my DNA. Momma And Daddy are my aparents always have and always will be.

EZ

[dklevy]

As a birthmother, I would not expect my daughter to consider me mom. Don't get me wrong, I would be absolutely overjoyed if she does someday, but I don't expect it and would not be upset with her.

There are so many different variables in adoption. And even if the outside circumstances are 100% identical, peoples feelings and views aren't. The one thing that I think should be constant is ALL parents' involved desire for it to be best for the child, whether they are an infant or now and adult. We parents made our choices. Our children have to live with them. And although parenting is the greatest job in the world, it is the hardest and comes with no guarantees.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that even though I'm a birthmother, I feel adoptees are the one to make the call on what birthparents are to them and that no matter what you decide you should never be made to feel guilty about it by any member of the triad.

[Amandak249]

EES07- Wow. I don't..even think I can find the words for that one. You are truly blessed, and thank God, the deities, the little flowers, whatever it is that you thank, because you are one lucky duck. What a beautiful , if sad, story. Sad only in that you'd been separated all that time. I enjoyed spending time with my bio family (when we were still in reunion- my younger 16 year old bsister sort of ...flew off the handle though, and was so jealous of me and became quite cruel over he past few years) They were fun and I did... fit in with them. Our personalities, at least that of my birthfather and I, jived very well together, and we had a lot of fun ( playing cards with them is one of my nicest memories.) But I've NEVER felt the same way as I do with my adoptive family. Perhaps it's simply a matter of habit, and comfort in predictability. Who knows.


EZ2Luv-I can totally relate. Strangers with the same DNA. I feel that way sometimes even though I've known my bio family for years. I disagree with many things that they do, however, which may influence me.We also are from TOTALLY different parts of the country. I grew up in Brooklyn, in a Catholic Italian family. I went back and forth from Italy to NYC, attending school in both places. Birth family are southern baptists who live on a horse ranch ,go to rodeos,and are very in touch with the "baptist cowboy" culture there. We had very little in common as far as experience or belief systems.


dklevy- I think your mindset is very healthy. I agree with everything you said, and I think it's a great way o thinking. You don't belittle your role as a mother, but at the same time you don't blame others for your decisions. You really seem to have a handle on things. Thank you for your words. I wish I could be so unwavering in my beliefs and opinions regarding adoption.

[gatorb8]

Amanda - every one is different. But I considered it an insult to my Mama and Daddy (that RAISED me) to have called Faye and Ray (my Bios) Mom and Dad! Yes, my bios gave me life-but that does not earn my respect (I have met both of them, so in my tone you can tell my opinion is not very high). I never called them (in conversation) my "real" Mom and Dad, because they were NOT. When people asked about my family/parents I always talked about my raising - my HOME! When I spoke of my adoption (which I am very open about) Faye and Ray were my Bio MOTHER & FATHER. To their faces-I called them by their first names, after all, that was there names-they had not nor had they ever earned the right for me to call them anything else but. I'm not being mean, that is just how strongly I feel about the parents that sacrificed to raise me along with the three other daughters they already had.

[crick]

All -

Just a reminder that respectful terms are required here at Adoption.com.

How you feel about your personal situation/life is absolutely fine, we just ask in discussion that you refrain from disrespectful terms that apply to groups of people. Sperm Donor is one of these terms and is not allowed on our site in reference to a bio parent. (unless discussing true sperm donor situations) There has been one edit of this term on this thread and I hope there will not be any need for more edits.

Thank you!
Crick

[Amandak249]

Crick- I didn't even see the term "Sperm donor" being used! I totally missed it. Oi, have I become that desensitized? Thanks for the edit.

I'm seeing a pattern here.Is it possible that those of us with awesome birthparents consider them another set of mom and dad, while those of us who have had a less than rewarding experience tend to acknowledged only our adoptive parents?

I guess that sort of makes sense? Though I like my birthparents just fine (my issues have always been with OTHER birthfamily members who like to meddle). My bithparents are not perfect, because no one is perfect, but even if everything had gone swimmingly with them, and I still have trouble considering them "mom and dad." Maybe I am just being overly considerate of my parent's feelings(even if it's subconscious)

[Alura764]

Hi, I don't respond very often so please bear with me. I think I can look at this from many angles, and have many mixed feelings about this topic. I just reunited with my biodad 4 yrs ago and still do not call him dad. Do not know him well enough or respect him enough for that title.

On the other hand I am mom to 3 adopted children and 2 bio children, ranging from ages of 24 to 5. Four of them consider my husband and I as there parents with no others because the youngest two do not know there bioparents. But my 11yr old girl still has a relationship with her entire biofamily. She calls them by mom, grandma, with no disrespect. Our children were all foster children and all from different families with different stories. But I still think I want them to show a degree of respect to there bioparents. I don't know, my daughter wouldn't be who she is if it weren't for these relationships. But that is my daughter.

My sons haven't a clue. They are still to young to understand adoption. They know only us as mom and dad. But I hope that when the time comes, they would be understanding and appreciative of what they did recieve from there bioparents. You know there beautiful faces, gorgeous smiles, and life that could have been terminated with one visit to a Dr.

So see it is a very fine line when it comes to this topic, I show respect to the man who helped give me life, but giving him that title is still difficult for me. One word Dad or Father or Mom or Mommy sure are powerful titles. Everyones view point and pain is going to different so just go with the flow enjoy the ride and see where it takes you, maybe someday you will feel differently.

God be with You All

Ruth

[gatorb8]

I do apologize if I offended anyone.

Originally Posted by crick

All -

Just a reminder that respectful terms are required here at Adoption.com.

How you feel about your personal situation/life is absolutely fine, we just ask in discussion that you refrain from disrespectful terms that apply to groups of people. Sperm Donor is one of these terms and is not allowed on our site in reference to a bio parent. (unless discussing true sperm donor situations) There has been one edit of this term on this thread and I hope there will not be any need for more edits.

Thank you!
Crick

[my2sons]

My birthparents are my mother and father, my aparents are mom and dad. I have respect and some empathy for mybmother for having the courage to give me up. I cant imagine what she must have went through. But she is my mother and nothing will ever change that but she is not my mom

[Josh5339]

Even though I have still yet to meet them I consider them Mom and Dad. I also consider my adoptive parents Mom and Dad, despite the growing distance between us. I have two loyalties, I have two sets of parents, both are important in my life.

[Susanlee65]

I have been in reunion for nine years and I still feel very uncomfortable calling my BMother "Mom" and never will call my BFather "Dad" as he blew me off soon after the reunion. My AMom died when I was 17 so she will forever be "Mommy" and NO one can ever "go there"... I do call her Mom as I'm speaking to her, but I'm very uncomfortable with it but I know it makes her happy. And you know, it's all about making everybody happy! She's a wonderful woman and has received us happily into her family but she'll never be "Mommy", just my Mother. There will forever be a wall between us that seems to be hurricane proof but I just try to work around it. This is as good as it gets.....