[Mystik]

I’m not sure if this thread would be better suited for this forum or the Adoptive Parent Support Forum, but for now I’ll start here.

Basically our Adoptive Daughter “Bambino” is still extremely young and we’ve had her since she was released from Hospital at 3 days old, but her story is one that I’m not entirely sure how to approach with her when the time comes….

For now I say she was “Found” as opposed to “Abandoned”. Someone found her very soon after her birth, in an alley, wrapped in a sweater & trash bag, her umbilical cord still attached…. she was ALIVE! … 3 days later she came into our lives as a Foster Child while the police & CWS attempted to locate her birth parents or anyone willing to come forward…. No one ever did and in November, 2008 she became our forever Daughter.

To us, it’s sad & yet a wonderful story all at the same time. It’s like she was born just for us! We believe her knowledge of adoption is vitally important to her knowing who she is…. But who is she? We know nothing other than what I’ve mentioned above. We all want to know our story, yet I can’t even imagine being in her shoes when she finally reaches an age of understanding exactly what happened that lead her to becoming an adoptee….

I post here, because I’m curious if there are any adoptees here who may share a “similar” sort of story. How did you find out? How do you feel that it’s affected you? Do you have any advice? Are you glad you at least know your story or would you rather of not?

[Rainbow mom]

Our DD8 was abandon at the hospital after birth. Bmom left AMA. We talk to her if she asks questions and what we don't know we tell her we don't know. I do tell her that her Bmom was probably very scared about being a mom so she left her at the hospital where she was safe. I am not sure in your case how to address it other than assure her she was meant to be yours, out of all of the families that wanted her.

[Drywall]

Mystik...your story in regards to your daughters birth and rescue is so sad and it is easy to understand your concern.

Abandonment is a common thread to most adoptees and one that is difficult to over come.

As an adoptee, I would suggest that when your daughter begins to ask questions in regards to her origin and "how did I become your daughter, etc." that you share the truth, but leave out the fine details.

There are some pieces of information that should remain unspoken. It doesn't change the outcome of the story to avoid the possible hurtful pieces of your daughters origin.

I would suggest, (for your evaluation) you tell her that she came from the hospital and that her origins are unknown. Any additional elements of the story that you wish to share in terms of what her bmom may have felt at the time of birth, would be helpful if she understands that those are your feelings in regards to the story.

I wish you the best.

[TxMom65]

Very hard for me to think about being in your shoes. My daughter was also adopted from foster care but older. When it comes to anything related to her birth family I try to stick to the facts that are age appropriate. For your daughter at an early age, the facts are that nobody knows who her birth parents are. Just me, I wouldn't add info that really isn't there. Harsh or not, this is her story.

When she is older I would add in parts as she asks and is able to handle it. Can we imagine what her birthmom felt at leaving her like that? Was she alone? Who knows. THe main thing will be to let her know that it wasn't about her. Nobody in a good situation or good state of mind would leave a baby like that. I don't think it is good to try to speak for the bmom or come up with reasons. Nobody really knows but her.

In the end, your daughter is a survivor. She will have to deal with loss and wonder why but I would hate for her to someday find the truth and wonder why she was never told.

[Shelbs]

As an adoptee my adoptive family told me from the start that I was adopted before I could comprehend what adoption meant. Ive known some adoptees that were not told until they were in their teenage years. Thats a really hard pill to swallow when you've thought for years that your adoptive mom and dad were "mom and dad" just to find out that there is someone else out there who abandoned you at birth.

I really appreciate and have much more respect for my adoptive parents for telling me of the adoption from the start.

As for any abandonment issues... Im not sure if there is a way around those feelings of being "thrown away" by someone who is supposed to love and protect you as natural instinct.

[Hadley2]

I'm sorry, you are looking for adoptee input and I picked up on this post from the today's listing. So I am not an adoptee but I had a few thoughts.

I don't have a source for this, but I'm sure you could do some research and find out the facts behind what I'll try to relate from remembered bits of reading and TV.

From what I've gathered, many of these just-birthed abandonments are usually of very young mothers, some of whom kept themselves in denial even of their pregnancy. When they go into labor, they seem to deliver without much awareness of what is actually happening, clean themselves off, and leave. There was a girl a few years ago in the Boston area who delivered this way at her prom, I think, put the baby in the trash can of the bathroom and went back to the dance floor. It is as if they are in a somewhat altered state of mind. That is why some of the safe haven laws have been criticized by psychologists, etc., who say that the abandonments they are meant to prevent will happen anyway.

In your daughter's case, the sweater might show that some care was given. To give birth in an alley, wrap your baby in a sweater and wander away really shows a profound helplessness, I think. I think you are on the right track when you say her story is that she was found, not that she was abandoned. More speculation, but that kind of compassionate thinking usually means a person who lives compassionately. I think if you are positive, kind, age appropriate and honest along the way in the telling, plus leading her to think, feel, and live compassionately as you do, all will be as well as it can be.

There are also many wonderful true and fairy tales of found babies. Finding some of these and reading and telling them when she is young--without connecting the dots for her--may help in laying the groundwork for a feeling of wonder and magical promise in her story, rather than just the sadness.

Good luck to you. You sound like a very thoughtful mama.

[annelizly]

your daughters story is very similar to my brothers. he was found abandoned in an old shed shortly after he was born(still in the sack) was helped to start breathing and is now slightly retarded because of it.

He is a grown man now with a wife and child.

we were always told we were adopted. Mom started telling the harsher details about the teenage years. I don't recall my brother having anysort of negative emotional issues because of this but then boys tend to be less emotional anyway.

[bakerjw]

TxMom65 hit the nail on the head imho. There certainly is age appropriate information but when the hard questions get asked, hard answers should be given. Some of the circumstances regarding my adoption were hard on my adopted mom and she would rarely go into detail about it so I know extremely little about where I came from. For HER just that I was there should have been good enough for me.

Few of us can understand what would cause a mother to leave a newborn laying in an alley like that but we can all understand that she had to have been very scared and probably didn't know which way to turn or what to do. Was it the wrong thing to do? Of course. Should she be vilified for it? Probably not.

My a mom held my b mom in very low regard and I was pretty much expected to hold the same view. Unfortunately I fell that I should be able to judge people myself.

Just some ramblings but always be honest when the age is right. It will be appreciated some day.

Kind of an odd question, did they keep the sweater? The only reason that I ask is that when I came to my future a parents I had a diaper, a t-shirt, and a teddy bear. The teddy bear is my only link to where I came from and is my greatest possession.

Best wishes. You'll do fine and she's lucky to have parents that care enough to ask these questions.
John

[never_good_enough]

It is my motto in life not to fill in details I don't know with BS no matter the age of my listener. Kids have especially great bull-****-o-meters. And someday it will come back to haunt you. My only suggestion if you need words to us to fill out the story is "I dont have the details yet" it leaves room to "discover" yet room to say that's all i know and feel in your gut you have been honest when the time comes to tell you a-child the details as you know them now.

[jmac66]

Dont lie. It will add to "shame" when she finds out the truth and she will find it out. I would just stick with the story "your birth mom couldnt take care of you so she gave you up and we are soo happy you are ours" I would not share the actual story until she is out of her teens or when you feel she is old enough to understand the fear her mother obviously felt.