[SunshineLover8231]

so i guess at my age now this is where the real issues start to kick in. well at least the third wave. i just need to vent and feel validated. in fact, i always need to feel validated. i am growing into an emotionally void person. money and career used to be such an unattainable goal for me when relationships were a goal. now i have realized that i can have the money and career and power i want. that stuff is simple. we can be work horses. that's an easier goal than i ever imagined. the intimidating one now is actually being able to have a real relationship. sure, i have had a few lovers. in fact, more than just a few... but now that i am in touch with the pain from my adoption... everything, and i mean, EVERYTHING is seen in a different light. the blinders are off. pain is raw. emotions are deep. it was like i never was able to feel before, and now i am able to feel that i am.... empty.
i think it's because i found her. i think it's because i found her and she was better and more amazing than i thought she would ever be. i think it has made me a more positive person since i expected to be completely shunned and at least i got a couple emails talking about the weather. she hasn't even written back in a month. i want to tell her that i care, but all i can do is talk about the weather back. she is on my mind every day. it hurts. but this pain, it's the first feeling i have ever felt. i think when i was a baby and i lost her, i lost my safety net and i lost the ability to feel. finding her again, i hate to put so much emphasis on this, it put me back together. but with such anger i have never let myself feel, such vunerablility. the more vulnerable i feel towards her, the more stone faced i am getting to the rest of the world. it is terrifying. i see patterns, and i feel like i can stop them. i am going to live up to my full potential, and i am going to be successful. at least businesswise. i fear that i will end up alone. i fear so much.
i think my 2 biggest fears are that she will never write me back.... and my thoughts themselves. im just in such a place. i want to do the positive thinking thing, but it's hard to be positive all the time. it's denial. ugh. i am in inner hell. i don't have money for counseling, or health insurance for that matter. i had such issues and i posted them here on my other posting and really needed advice, and no one even cared to answer. sometimes i just feel invisible. any insight would be great, especially to my other posting on here too.

[EES07]

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. If you feel comfortable with it, I would urge you to write to your birthmother and explain some of your feelings to her. In all liklihood, she is feeling much of the same emotional turmoil but doesn't want to dump her feelings on you or make you feel bad. You opening up first could very well lead to a deep emotional conversation and bring the two of you closer. The first communications in a reunion are very difficult as you have so much you want to say, but they're still a stranger, and its hard to show vulnerability to a stranger. Take a chance here, it might just pay off. If not, at least she knows how you feel about her, and you wont have to wonder about how she feels.

[bakerjw]

Unless we've been around them for a long time, others will never know how we feel or what we are feeling unless we tell them.

Do people go into reunions to stifle themselves or scrunch themselves into a little box or hide who they really are? I don't believe so. We all go into this because we are looking for something and the hope is that the other person is looking for the same thing. The child looking for the mother that carried them for 9 months and the mother for the child that they carried for 9 months.

I won't go as far to say that adoption is not natural, but it is not a common human condition and reunions are even more uncommon. It boils down to that most people just aren't sure how to handle themselves during the reunion phase because we've never faced it until it happens. That leads to missteps and misunderstandings and we tend to not put ourselves out there for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.

As for me, I am searching for my birth mother and for the life of me I can't tell anyone why I am searching. It is just one of those loose ends in my life that I'd like to follow and see where it leads.

I say send a thought out heartfelt letter. I think that the most ground gets gained when someone puts out their foot and takes the first step. A letter might just be that first step.

Best wishes.

[SunshineLover8231]

Originally Posted by EES07

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. If you feel comfortable with it, I would urge you to write to your birthmother and explain some of your feelings to her. In all liklihood, she is feeling much of the same emotional turmoil but doesn't want to dump her feelings on you or make you feel bad. You opening up first could very well lead to a deep emotional conversation and bring the two of you closer. The first communications in a reunion are very difficult as you have so much you want to say, but they're still a stranger, and its hard to show vulnerability to a stranger. Take a chance here, it might just pay off. If not, at least she knows how you feel about her, and you wont have to wonder about how she feels.

ok, but i feel like maybe only the positive feelings should carry on maybe? at least for the beginning. is it possible that i could overwhelm her with positivity? it angers me that she could be overwhelmed to the point of not responding for so long. and its turning my adoptive parents against her. they are so clingy and needy and they dont understand how she could ignore me for weeks and months on end. ugh

[SunshineLover8231]

Originally Posted by bakerjw

Unless we've been around them for a long time, others will never know how we feel or what we are feeling unless we tell them.

Do people go into reunions to stifle themselves or scrunch themselves into a little box or hide who they really are? I don't believe so. We all go into this because we are looking for something and the hope is that the other person is looking for the same thing. The child looking for the mother that carried them for 9 months and the mother for the child that they carried for 9 months.

I won't go as far to say that adoption is not natural, but it is not a common human condition and reunions are even more uncommon. It boils down to that most people just aren't sure how to handle themselves during the reunion phase because we've never faced it until it happens. That leads to missteps and misunderstandings and we tend to not put ourselves out there for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.

As for me, I am searching for my birth mother and for the life of me I can't tell anyone why I am searching. It is just one of those loose ends in my life that I'd like to follow and see where it leads.

I say send a thought out heartfelt letter. I think that the most ground gets gained when someone puts out their foot and takes the first step. A letter might just be that first step.

Best wishes.

i'm going to take your advice and really let her know how i feel. its terrifying. i went into this just kind of because of a dream i had, but as i began gaining answers the hunger is stronger to know her than anything i have ever felt. everything else dims in comparison, and everyone else. i'm feeling feelings for the first time.. true rage, true rejection, true love, true hatred, truth. its something that i didnt let myself feel since i was a child. and its deep. i'll let her know about the love, but i can't say the word love to her yet. maybe just let her know i am thinking about her so much, and that its so great to hear from her and have her in my life again. its like when i am nice to her and pleasant even that may bring her pain when she realizes how close we could have been and she gave me up. so the better i am to her, the more pain i will cause and the worse i am to her the more pain i will also cause. i know thats how i feel about the situation at least. am i wrong?

[Jan18]

I haven't been here for a long time, so I'm sorry I don't know your full story. I can offer some advice.

I have been in reunion with my birth mom for four years. I can tell you that the first two years were a bit rocky. I would e-mail and call and not hear back from her for days or weeks. It was very frustrating. However, I now realize that she had to work through her feelings of what it meant to have me back in her life. Reunions stir up a lot of emotion...look at the emotions it has stirred in you. Just think what she is dealing with too.

My mom not only had to deal with her emotions, but my sisters' as well. I am sure her head was spinning!!

Reunions take time. There were two turning points in my reunion with my mom. 1.) a few months into our reunion she sent me a nasty e-mail after I had asked her a few questions about my relinquishment and who in the family knew of my placement. Her words cut me like a knife, but a stepped back and realized that she wasn't acting out at me per say, she was reacting to the whole situation and the anger that she had from losing me. I took a few days and then sent her a letter and told her that I was so glad I found her. That I was now leaving our relationship in her hands. If she wanted me in her life then I would be in her life. That I didn't find her just to get my kicks. That I would be in her life, if that was her wish. I think she was so afraid that I was making an appearance and then I would vanish again.

2.) I spent a spring break with her. I traveled to where she lived and spent a whole week with her. I left my husband and daughter at home. She took some time off work and we had time together to just catch up. She answered every question I ever had. We laughed, we cried and we built a lasting relationship.

Everyone has a different story. Everyone has different reunion troubles. It does take time, so try to enjoy the ride. At times I was so angry, but I got through it, and I can tell you, that I am so happy I found my birth mom, and my life is better, even if it was so frustrating in the beginning!

Hope that helps!

Amy

[Brittles]

I feel the same way. I am successful in business but in my personal life, I destroy all my relationships when I start to get upset about my being adopted, which is a lot of the time. It's always on the back of my mind, and some days are worse than others, depending on how much I let myself think about it. That is awesome, though, that you found her. Mine is closed and she hasn't reached out. At least you have the opportunity to keep forming a relationship with her! I am fearful my bio mom will never reach out, and then I may never know anything. How does everyone get on with their life? I feel so hopeless.