[agree519]

I came here to meet other adoptees, get support from others, to support others and to help with whatever I can. I guess it's only fitting that my first post be my story.

On October 14th, 1979, my birth mother, Beth, was driving on a bridge between Delaware and Maryland when her car began to smoke. I dont know if it was stress or it was time, but she went into labor. She was taken to the closest hospital, in Maryland, where she gave birth to me. She told her nurse that her intentions were to give me up for adoption. That nurse went back to the nurse's station and called another nurse who was out on maternity leave. When you hear someone is out on maternity leave, you get the idea of a new mother home bonding with their infant. Not this nurse. She was out, recovering from her third and especially heartbreaking miscarriage, they were twins.

"Bev, there was a baby born today..."

"Really? That never happens on OB"

"No, this one is up for adoption, and I thought of you..."

"I'll be right there."

That was the call, verbatum. I'm sure you figured this out, but that conversation took place between my mom and the woman who became my God-mother. That phone call is so touching to me on a number of levels. My mom had a son, and wanted to have more children, but could never seem to carry another past her second month. She says that she didnt even once consider adoption, not that she was against it, but it just never came to mind. That phone call absolutely made her my mom. She didnt know what sex I was, what color I was, she didnt know if I had disabilities, if I looked like her. She wanted me no matter what. It's kind of like pregancy.

Working for the very hospital, the very floor, that I was born in gave my mother benefits. She met my birth mother. She got to talk to her. Beth said that she was only 19 and in college. She needed to be sure I was taken care of and she needed to take care of herself. When my mom told my birth-mother what she wanted to name me, Beth gave her the blessing on it. The next day, Beth was released from the hospital. My mom says that her good-byes to me was heartwrenching, but touching, although she seemed to really want me, but she was genuine in her wish for me to have a good full life. My dad gave Beth a ride home from the hospital, and four days after I was born, I went home from the hospital to my family. A month later, it was legally official, I was theirs.

My mom is Italian, my dad is Cuban. My brother is a perfect blend of the two. All three are no taller than 5'6, thick build, almost black hair, and dark eyes. And my brother is deaf. As I grew, the differences were very obvious. I'm 5'10, very thin build, blue eyes and light hair. They didnt tell me I was adopted, but I remember being a kid and hearing other people say joke about me being "the milkman's kid". Then, when I was 10, I was playing with my neighbor who started joking with me that I was adopted. I remember not being offended or upset by it. When I went in for the day, I told my mom what I was told. The next day, after school, my mom wanted to talk to me. She took out a box and began to tell me that I was adopted. She was upset that I found out the way I did (I guess it came up in coversation with my neighbor's parents) but was almost relieved it happened, because she didnt know when to tell me, just that she wanted to. I remember how hard it was for her to get the words out. But, she gave me my original hospital bracelet that had my first alias, "Baby girl (beth's last name). I was only upset because my mom was so upset. I told her that it was OK, and it didnt change anything. She read me a poem:

"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"

God, I love my mom.

As time went on, I wanted to find my birth parents. My mother was very supportive of this. She was very secure in the fact that nothing changed for me, she was and still is my mom, and I wasnt replacing that, just it was something I wanted to do. We spent (or wasted) money on "Find People Fast" and things like that. I searched every phone book or listing for the name Kiehl so that I could find her or family. Nothing ever matriculated from that. She beat herself up a lot because she didnt take a look in Beth's file when she had the opportunity, which was nothing I ever blamed her for, she just got a new baby!

At 18, history almost repeated itself when I found myself pregnant, and I was looking into adoption for my unborn child. I went to an organization to discuss the option, and I had a questionaire to fill out. They were the standard questions that I dread everytime I get a new doctor: medical history. I went home in a complete funk. I didnt want to give my baby up, and my mom blurted out, unprovoked, that she didnt want me to, either. Pregnancy for the adoptee... jeez, that was profound. I wondered if every feeling I experienced, if Beth felt it too.

Four years later, in 2002, for the heck of it, I was on classmates.com and decided to search Beth's name. Suprisingly enough I found one in there, but she was all wrong, she went to school in Texas, but I only knew of her being associated with Delaware. But I took the chance, knowing it wasnt her, but no harm no foul, right? I sent her a simple email that said basically "Would you happen to be the Beth that had a baby in Maryland in 1979?" A week later, I received a response; "Yes, I am that Beth..." OMG, I was floored. I noticed there were more words in that email, but I was fixated to those five words. I know I screamed for my husband who had just walked out for work. My hands shook as I started to scroll down the page. She went on:

".. that gave birth to you, but I am not your mother, Beverly is, and Fred is your father."

She knew my parent's names. Holy *cuss word*, it's really really her.

The email actually ended up being the most crushing thing that happened to me. She went on to say that she got married, had two kids that she adored, a girl and a boy. Had a bad divorce, but moved to Texas and started over with her kids. She said that I was just a chapter in a book in her life that she chooses to remain closed, and she doesnt think she'll ever get that book off the shelf again.

I knew it was a possiblity that she wouldnt want to meet me, but I saw all those sappy reunion shows on Maury, and knowing that she had all the nurses crying at her good-bye to me, I didnt really think it would have happened like this. I think about that time as a mourning period. After reading this site's section on rejection... I can completely identify with that word being associated. The rational objective side of me said that it wasnt personal, that she obviously had a hard time with her divorce and that she felt like she needed to protect her image in her children's eyes. The emotional side of me felt destroyed. I started an email back to her that said something to the effect of the point in finding her wasnt to replace my mother, that she could never fill her shoes. I said that it was messed up that a stranger has more of a right to be in her life than her own flesh & blood was. I deleted it, and composed myself enough to ask about my father, about my medical history that MY children deserved. She was nice enough to reply again. All I got that there was a small history of cancer and that my father didnt know about me, she didnt have a name, he was a one-night stand thing.

Great, two doors slammed in my face. No birth-mother, no birth-father.

And that was it. I found my mother, and she said no.

Thats where I left it until January this year. I took the limited information that I got from her email address. She did say she was emailing from her work account. The domain name is a very large popular company, and only had one location in TX. Her "new" last name was in the email. From that, I isolated the area of Texas that she could live in. In January, I found her parcel record for her home. Attached to that was her mortgage agreement, which had her full name, including her maiden name and I got to see her signature. Searching in one of those free people search engines, I found that address, her name, two other names (a boy and girl name) and two other states associated with those families, one of which was Delaware. I know this is her. I have a feeling I now know my sibling's names.

This is where my problem is. As much as I hate that she doesnt want to meet me, I have to respect it. Nothing good would come of me showing up on her doorstep and saying "deal with it". But I am stuck with the need to know what she looks like. I want to find out, since I got all this information, if I could just see a driver's licence photo of her. I dont want to disturb her, and if that was both ethically and legally alright to do, I would be able to see my birth mother's face and not traumatize her. Could I do that? Should I do that? I also dont have that classmates.com account nor do I have that email address. I wrestle with the idea of sending her something to let her know that I am still here if she's ready and give her the key to make finding me easier.

I still dont need her to be my mom, I just hope that one day I can meet the woman who gave my mother the chance to be my mom. I still find adoption to be a beautiful thing, and I would never sway anyone from that.

[Queenie312]

Hi! I find your story so interesting, wonderful and touching. And I can related to so many things you said. When I searched I was not looking for another Mother or family. I had a WONDERFUL Mom and needed no one else but wanted the medical information and find answers to all the questions I had. And I know that poem has special meaning to many adoptees and their Moms. It was one of my Mom's and my favorites. My bmom welcomed me with open arms, a little too much which caused problems. As far as your dilema do you think if you did contact her again to let her know that you're still here maybe you could just ask her to send you a pic or something? Maybe if you tell her all you want is the information and a picture and you won't go any further she would be willing to send you one. Plus then she'd have your address if she ever changed her mind and wanted to contact you. I have to say I respect your decision to accept her not wanting to see you even though it was not the outcome you were hoping for. Good luck! I would love to hear about what you've decided to do and how it turned out.

[LLT1964]

At the age of 44, I found out I was adopted. I met my birth father in February. He acted very excited about seeing me and told me he wanted me to meet his family (He has 2 older sons). We talked to each other for approximately 2 hours. I left my contact information with his wife. I left so excited. I haven't heard from him since. I am glad I got to meet him and see who I look like. But, I never imagined the hurt from his rejection. If I had known what I do now, I do not believe I would have met him. I also would like to see a picture of my mother and full brother but after the meeting with my birth father, I do not want to meet them. I wish I never had found out. I was just fine before I knew I was adopted. Everyone in my family thinks that it was great meeting and everything worked out well. They do not realize that I think about it every day and I feel so lost. I always thought I was the youngest of 3. Now I am the product of an affair. I have at least 2 half brothers and one full brother. I don't know about my birth mother's family. Everyone knew but me. My birth father was a friend of my fathers. My adopted parents were wonderful. It's hard to believe that I had different birth parents that just gave me up.

[bakerjw]

I wouldn't go so far as mailing anything to her house. That would seem kind of stalkerish imho. I didn't catch if you had another e-mail address besides her work e-mail either. I'd try to keep contact separate from her home or work. those tend to be considered places of safety.

When my bmom attempted to contact me through CSS, it was an emotional blow. It came out of the blue and I didn't know how to react to it. It really caught me offguard and when things like that happen sometimes you need to have time to get your thoughts in order.

Good meaning people in my family caught wind of it and it turned into a maelstrom and the decision as to whether or not to proceed was taken out of my hands. But that is another story. Had I been left alone and not needled to death about it by those who wanted to be a part of my adoption "experience" I may have decided to start a reunion at that time. Time always changes peoples perspectives.

I'd send an e-mail just letting her know that you respect her decisions and her privacy and expect nothing from her. But also add that you will always be available if she is ever interested in you and that you are a pretty good book. Then just let time do its thing. It may not be what you want but on some dark and lonely night she may decide to open the cover to see what's inside.

Best wishes always.

[cetalley]

AGREE519, I ma not an adoptee, but am a firstmom. I come here, and most times silently try to gain insight into what my 23 yr old twin sons, may or maynot be living each day. Like firstmoms, I am sure adoptees are all unique and different in their own selves. I think, your firstmom was very, very selfish, in her reply to you. This may cause some to be angry, but this is a fact! You did not ask to be placed, evn though it seems from your story it was/is an amazing life you live, with wonderful parents. As firstmoms, we relinquished...no matter the reason...and did so without further thought of what wheels we set into motion. You, my dear DESERVE to know who you are, and what you seek , in the way of answers...and SHE OWES this much to you. You did not ask to be put through this and was given no choice. ALL humans deserve and have the right , to know who they are, and where they come from. This angers me each time I read of selfish women, whom respond this way. Now, I know there will be many whom will jump on this tired ole womans bandwagon...and say "shame on you"...don't bother. We, for whatever purpose, or reason relinquished, knowing in our hearts , that MAYBE one day you will seek the answers to complete your journey. Even if naivety was rearing its ugly head...we knew this, even if we do not acknowledge it! You, in MHO, do have EVERY RIGHT to respectfully write to her, and explain, you respect her wishes, and will not bother her, and understand she has no need to re-open old wounds. You may say something in the way, that if she would just give you some photos, and the info you need to complete your "BOOK",you will digress, and allow her to live her life...for this is exactly ALL you wish for, is to live yours. Let her know you only wished to Thank her, and only wish to be able to find your other 'half' so to speak. Explain if she can do this, you will have no need to continue digging into her past, and will be able to go forward...just as she herself has done. My guess, and this is only a guess...is she did not allow your firstdad to know the complete picture of her actions, back then...and is shameful, guilt ridden, and in denial, feeling you will just go away. Let her know, you will continue until you have all the answers she seeks, and only hope she will cooperate so that , she can go on with her life. This will surely get to her and make herself realize, that if she gives you what you seek, her family can be as usual, in happy blissful denial. Her history is indeed her own, and she does have to except that...however your history is indeed your own...that does NOT BELONG TO HER! I am giving you my thoughts, I hope you get ALL you deserve, and more...who knows out there somewhere is a man whom MAY wish he had a daughter, and MAY wish to know her. It is sad your firstmom, made choices for you and your firstdad...only to bury an unpleasant past. This is by no means your fault and she needs to face that...BLESSINGS, C.J. (We are all different..if my twins were to ever seek me out...I will give them what THEY DESERVE...THEIR rights to know ALL they ask for...)

[agree519]

Thank you so much Queenie! I wrestle with the "sending a letter thing" vs finding out about the driver's licence photo thing. When that hurricane hit Galveston, TX (which I have since found out is no where near the address I know as hers, I'm a bit nieve when considering how HUGE TX is...) recently, I sent her an email just to say that I was here still and I wanted to be sure that she is OK. She didnt reply to it, nor did I receive one of those "Address unknown" emails. I think she got it, but rejected it.

I'm pretty sure that when I get the nerve (it's a matter of when, not "if") to do either of the two things, it will be after I get to know you all more, and consider anything and everything that could happen first. Even in your own story, I never once considered the possibility that my bmom could welcome me too much! In other words, you'll know what I do, and I will give updates!

[agree519]

LLT, I am so sorry for how your meeting turned out. I just wish there was something I could say or do for you to ease the hurt, that I can only imagine you feel.

If you ever need to vent or have a sounding board, I'll be there for you.

[greenbottles]

How old are birth mother's children? You may be able to find them on Myspace or facebook and they may have family photos posted on these sites. It's worth a shot. i found photos of my daughter's birthfather on his nieces' Myspace!!!! I was curious as to what he looked like after all these years- but no way would I ever contact him - so when I could not find a Facebook for him I looked for his friends and family and eventually found a photo. Don't give up - just think outside the square as to how you can find a pic of her.

[agree519]

Hi Bakerjw! When she replied to my message on classmates, she did so on her work computer for both of her emails. It was never said, but when she gave me the "book" analogy, I pretty much assumed she emailed me from work to keep her kids from stumbling upon her secret.

When it comes to my adoption, I always say there's two of me. There's the emotional, hurt side, and then there's the rational side. The rational side of me feels as if I did to my bmom what your bmom did to you. I feel like I knocked the wind out of her. I hope that time could change her perspective, and I wish I could get across to her that I dont want to ruin anything that she worked so hard for in her life.

I'm sorry that people pushed you towards something you didnt know if you were ready for. Your life is yours to seek the answers that you need at your own pace.

Thank you so much for your advice. I hope everyday that she needs a good story. I'll let you know if she does.

[agree519]

CJ, your story is the first one I read when I found this site. It is SO profound and your story will stay with me forever. As painful and as sad as it is, there is a beauty in it. Your love for all three of your sons is amazing. I know your story isnt over, and I cant wait to read the happy ending for you.

I absolutely welcome your insight as a firstmom just as much as I do adoptees. Believe me, "Selfish" was definitely at the top of my "How I feel about my my bmom" list when I read her email, (most of the rest of that list contained words that would make George Carlin cringe if he had ever seen it) But, I have to think that there is a certain mindset that a bmom has to get into so that they can live their lives after giving their child up. I have to think that her coldness to me isnt personal, it's a result of almost thirty years of a coping mechanism in order to exsist. I have to think that, because otherwise, I dont know at all how to process it.

I feel like she has to know something else about my bfather. She didnt give me much on him, but the little thing she did tears at my heart so much. She said that he was tall with dark features. He said that he was an avid surfer and said "Yeah, a surfer... in Delaware". You see, I was a competitive surfer, and I got to a semi-pro level. My parents supported me in it, but it wasnt a hobby they shared in.

LOL about the PI thing. I think I got a lot of lucky breaks in my private adoption. I had a lot more information that most people that were born in my time or before, that were given up and adopted outside of an agency. But she gave me my luckiest break by replying.

[agree519]

Hi Greenbottles,

That's exactly what I was doing when I found her Mortgage agreement in January. I was searching her name in any database I could, hoping for a myspace picture or maybe a newspaper photo. After I found the listing of her name with the same address from the mortage agreement, and it had two additional names, I searched myspace and facebook. Facebook had one that I think might be the girl, but, I cannot figure out facebook for the life of me! On facebook, can you look at other people's profiles if you're not their "friend"?

I appreciate your suggestion! thank you!

[SoniaRose]

Sometimes I feel like an amateur PI as well, snooping on my bfamily -- it is amazing what can be found on the Net. I recently signed up for facebook, but I am disappointed that all I can see are the little thumbnail pictures unless I'm a friend, but it's interesting to see who is friends with whom. (For example, one bniece is friends with two of her cousins). But I can't read anything about any of them!!!

It sounds like you know the high school your bmom attended -- if so, you can find her picture in the yearbook. Yearbooks are usually available in the school's library and sometimes in the public library of that city. Since you live in a different area, you can also find used yearbooks for sale on eBay and other online dealers -- prices can be high, though -- but I wonder if any sellers would scan a page or two if you paid them a fee (?)

I often wondered too if there is a way to find old driver's license pictures. I think we adoptees are just so desperate to see any pictures of brelatives that we can.

Your story is certainly very interesting...but also very sad. I'm sure you know from reading on these forums that many bmoms have closed the book on their past and do not want to revisit that chapter. So you know you're not alone; however, it still hurts like heck!!!

If I were you, I would compose a very nice letter to your bmom telling her about yourself as a person and enclosing a few pictures from different ages. If you have children, talk about them as well. You can add that you will be always be available if she ever wishes to have a relationship. She might have softened since your initial communication when she probably felt pressured and defensive.

My story is different from yours in that my bmom died many years ago, and I have been trying to gain acceptance from her two older children. But our stories are similar in that my half-sibs prefer to keep closed their book of sad childhood memories -- as my half-sis told me, they have spent their lives putting the past behind them. (My bdad lived with them and was apparently abusive). I did send a letter about myself and my kids to my half-sis so she would realize that I am a good person -- she actually called me back, and we chatted for awhile. Then it took her several months to send the pictures she had promised, and she didn't answer the phone when I left messages (I only called twice). I understand her pain, and for now, I am giving her time and space. I don't want to appear desperate or needy. I always hold out hope that we will be re-united. It still annoys me that none of her children or her brother's children know I exist, so I just try to read about them on the Net, but won't contact them at this point.

If your bmom totally refuses any communication, then I think you have the right to try to contact your sibs. Then you could get some family medical history and some pictures. But I would give your bmom a second chance first because she probably wouldn't be pleased if you wrote your sibs -- and sometimes the sibs are not responsive to a newly discovered member of the family.

I find it interesting too that you are tall, thin, and fair in an afamily of short, thick, and dark heritage. Hopefully you'll see a picture of your bmom someday -- I've always been thin, and it was so cool to see that I have the same long slender body as my bmom -- maybe weight tendencies are genetic after all.

Best of wishes to you. I never give up hope, and I hope you don't either. And it sounds like you have a great afamily.

It took me a couple of days to get around to responding to your post because it was so long to read!!! Now I've written a novel too! To continue that book analogy, I agree with bakerjw: "Let time do its thing...on some dark and lonely night she may decide to open the cover to see what's inside."

[agree519]

Hi SoniaRose,

I should have written a personal apology to everyone who may read it, LOL! I really didnt mean for it to go SO long. This was the first time I put this story out there. Outside of telling my husband, I've never actually tried to explain it to anyone else other than in this manner;

"Yeah, I found my bmom, but it didnt work out"

Thank you for bearing with me, because I literally dont know anyone else who is adopted, and everyone's thoughts and opinions mean SO much more than I could ever convey!

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

It sounds like you know the high school your bmom attended

Unfortunately, I actually dont. This is one of the really weird parts of this. I found her in classmates while searching her name. Only one with the right name came up and the age was on point. Her being in TX was weird to me because I always knew of the MD/DE connection. But, me being raised as an Army brat, I couldnt rule it out. In her reply to me, she said that she only put that profile up there for a co-worker that was trying to reconnect with an old pal from high school. She never went to school there. What's strange is, that profile was all about her. It was her name, it was her likes/dislikes. I still dont get that.

In my reply to her first email, I had enclosed a link to an aol hometown page that was nothing but photos of me and my kids. I did it that way to not throw my face into hers. In her reply to me, she said she didnt look at it. I put a page counter on it to see if she ever went to it, and she was right, she didnt. I dont know if sending pictures in the letter would be right, but maybe I will put the web address to my photobucket, just so she knows that she still has some control in all this.

I completely agree with you, my next step should be to try her again, but if that fails, I dont know about continuing on to my bsiblings. I really get the feeling that her reluctance to meet me mainly is the fact that they dont know this about her. I think about if I ever get the word that she, heaven forbid, passes on to move the search on to them, but I dont want to be something that tarnish their view of their mother.

I am so sorry that your reunion worked out the way it did. Through this forum, seeing how many adoptees got a reunion, then the other parties fade out, it's gut-wrenching. I completely understand that both parties are human, with their own thoughts and emotions. But, come on, cant they just try to understand that we've lived with burning questions and an unexplainable need to see them, to meet them? I'm happy that you have a way to view them from afar, but I hope and pray that they come around and see you for what positives you can bring to their lives. You werent the source of all their unhappiness, it wasnt your fault, and they have to know that somewhere in their heart.

Thank you so much, SoniaRose. It's really nice to meet you and everyone else in here. It's so good to feel like I can talk to people that get it, and I hope that I can help others in someway as well.

[colbi]

Wow...your story is tough. I can related, I recently had the agency I was adopted to, reach out to my birth mother because I want to meet her (I am 33). She said no. And, because my birth father didnt establish paternity (even though he signed an affidavit for me to get his info)...they cant give me his information. Very frustrating. I was wondering if you had any suggestions as far as databases to try and find him. You sound like a pro with all the investigating!

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by colbi

Wow...your story is tough. I can related, I recently had the agency I was adopted to, reach out to my birth mother because I want to meet her (I am 33). She said no. And, because my birth father didnt establish paternity (even though he signed an affidavit for me to get his info)...they cant give me his information. Very frustrating. I was wondering if you had any suggestions as far as databases to try and find him. You sound like a pro with all the investigating!

Colbi, I do not know if you recieved this info from the agency, or directly through your Firstmom. If it was through the agency...DO NOT EXCEPT that as truth. In my experience, the agency I used, would NOT KNOW TRUTH, if it "stepped up and slapped them in the face"! If you go to my journal, you will see, one of many of us whom, liked to believe ALL they were being told , as "GODS' WORD". Agencies, do what THEY must , to keep hidden any of their hidden demons. JMHO, but if his is still important, do not give up, you have EVERY right, as do I , and ALL other humans to know their very own history! Blessings...C.J.