[Sis84]

Hello. I apologize that most of my former posts have been rather moody, but I am going through ups and downs of being able to communicate with my birthfamily.
This started back in 2005, which I had full support from both of my adopted parents during this whole journey, which I thank them. In 2005, when I was 22 years of age I was able to meet my birthmother and other members of my family for the very first time. I had no idea what was down the road. Everything seemed so well put together in my life, I felt as though all of my questions were finally going to be answered, especially my medical ones. After that one summer visit with nearly the entire birthfamily, adopted parents, and myself. It wasn't until 2006 when I had received a phone call from my birthmother, only to wish me a "Merry Christmas". I had wondered why she hadn't called me after that one summer evening, but I figured she had probably forgotten. Through-out the years, I continued to meet my birthfamily during Christmas gatherings, there were times when my birthmother did not show up. Through all of the telephone calls from various birthfamily members and hearing different versions of another person's life story, it was all too much for my heart. Frankly, to this day, the only people that I really talk to (did) was my biological aunt and uncle. However, due to a misunderstanding, I have not heard from them either.
One of the things, that has bothered me, is that whenever I talk to anyone in my birthfamily, they have to relate to my birthmother as "Mom". I have more feelings of frustration than anything else, and I know they don't mean to do it on purpose, but I feel as though, they're trying to make me think of her as my actual mother. I've tried to talk to my adopted mother and father about this, but their views are more optimistic, which is fine, but I would like to hear from someone who has had this kind of experience. Also, has any other adult adoptee had the trouble of strangers asking "..Aren't you glad that you were able to meet your birthmother?" when you already have your adopted mother and father that have already given you so much and more? And no parent is created perfect, whether adopted or biological.
I apologize for my long venting posts.

[snuffie]

One thought I had after reading your post is that the people who refer to your bmom as "mom" may be at a loss themselves as to how to refer to her. A lot of people who are not adoptees have said "huh" when I've mentioned my bmom. Also, if someone is not an adoptee they have no idea how we feel and some are at a loss for reasons why we search. It can be very complicated.

[austin0i]

Hi Sis,

Have you asked them to refer to her by her first name? If they feel uncomfortable and unsure, simply asking them to use her first name should do the trick.

I wouldnt get to upset about people's comments. For people outside of the triad of adoption, they simply dont understand. There is no way anyone outside the adoption experience can know what it feels like to be put up for adoption or surrender a child. Sometimes you have to let those comments go, as people do not mean to be insensitive, but rather they simply do not know what to say.

I wanted to tell you, as an adoptee in reunion, I really related to this line in your post...

Through all of the telephone calls from various birthfamily members and hearing different versions of another person's life story, it was all too much for my heart.

I hear you on that one, in a very big way

Kim

[wishfulthinker]

As an adoptee who is in the long, drawn out, frustrating process of searching with no success, I would also ask - "Aren't you glad you got to meet your bmom?"

I can understand how it would be emotional and somewhat confusing to be in reunion, but I still believe that I'd rather know where I come from even if it's not what one would hope for. And you know, no one can take away the fact that your aparents are you parents. They are the ones that raised you and it sounds as it you have some very supportive parents. I do think it is possible to be glad you know your birth family and still love your aparents/family just the same as you always have.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Sis84,

Hi. I just wanted to send you a hug ((( Sis84 ))). Your post was so very touching. You wrote:

Also, has any other adult adoptee had the trouble of strangers asking "..Aren't you glad that you were able to meet your birthmother?"

I am sorry that people can be so incredibly callous in their ignorance. Honest to god, there are times when it stuns me. And just exactly how are you expected to reply to such a comment? I mean are you supposed to jump up and down and say, "Golly gee Batman...I'm thrilled! Just thrilled!"

I have never understood why it is that people believe that they can treat a subject as sacred and deep as adoption as if they were discussing the price of milk at Krogers.

You don't ever hear of anyone coming up to somebody and saying, "Gee...aren't you glad your dad made parole?" or "Wow! Aren't you glad your grandma has a cancer that will kill her quickly?!"

Nobody in their right mind would say things like that. Yet society feels it can blurt out anything it likes in relation to adoption. It's as if they think they own all of us along the triangle somehow. It's weird.

And I'm not saying that any of us should operate from a place of shame. Far from it. But it would be nice if people would take the time to think about our heart before opening their big mouths!


If it would be okay, I would like to share something with you that demonstrates my point.......

A few months after relinquishing my daughter, these two women came up to me at work. One of them was a co-worker; the other a friend of hers. Anyway, they walked up to me and said - right there in front of customers - "Hey! What color is your baby's hair that you gave up? And what color are her eyes because a lady down the street just got a baby and she looks just like you and we wanted to tell her mom about you. Tell us about why you did this?"

!!!!!! Sometimes you just look at people and say, "WTF?!!"



Sigh....Anyway, I wish you peace "Sis", you and your loved ones. Thank you for sharing. Everything I read here in this part of the forum helps me to grow and be a better person than I was the day before.

Much hugs your way.

[belleinblue1978]

I'm guessing that your birthfamily just doesn't know how to refer to your birthmother. I'd say something like "I bet you didn't even think about this, but I'd rather you referred to my birthmom as Mary." I'm betting this reunion thing is confusing and strange for them too. Remember they are being affected by a choice that one person in their family made.

As far as the questions. One thing I've learned as a firstmom and adopted adult is that people truly don't know how to react to adoption stuff. People ask me all the time if I've met my "real" mom. I have some snotty answers, but sometimes I will tell the truth. She doesn't want anything to do with me at all. She won't even give me updated medical history.

Adoption is a strange thing, and there are so many myths spread about it and so many expectations of what people in the triad should be that people are often shocked when they find out that someone "normal" is a member, especially adopted or a first mom.

[bakerjw]

People often don't think before they speak. Mostly it is just that they don't know how to act or handle themselves in a situation like this. As a youngster, I found that people who were not adopted are fascinated with the perceived aura of being adopted. I would get asked some of the stupidest questions.

I personally would love to have someone ask me if I were happy that I had gotten to meet my bmom. It would mean that I had some control over the situation. As it stands for me and many in my shoes, we are stuck waiting on others to continue doing the search and dangling the carrot out there for us to try to grab.

I know that it sounds optimistic to say, but it could be that by referring to her as "Mom" they are just trying to make you feel like a closer part of the family. It could just be a very caring family. I know that I'd make every effort to ensure that someone who might feel as though in a bit of an awkward situation would feel as though they fit in and are welcome.

It's all ups and downs and we all need to focus on the ups and cut some slack and give leeway as we move through the process of reunion.

Keep at it and enjoy what you have. I'm sure they mean well.

[agree519]

Hi Sis,

I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. I can only speculate on this for you. In reading through posts on the birthparent threads here, it seems to be a common thing for the bparent to want to let the child set the pace and to follow their leads, eventhough it seems that the ideal for them would be to rush right to them. Maybe that's what your bmom is doing, letting you set the pace. She may be withdrawing from the family get-togethers to give you the space that she may think you set. You're the only one who knows what is right for you, but I would throw a line to her and ask her why she backed off. I bet you her answer will be nothing like what you're picturing in your mind.

I can understand your feelings about people referring to your bmom as "mom" striking a chord with you. I dont know if you're anything like me, I cant throw the names "mom" or "dad" at just anyone. I have a mother-in-law that I absolutely adore, she refers to herself as Mom and my Father-in-Law as Dad, and I can tell she would like for me to call her that, I just cant. The sad thing is she is very motherly to me and actually is very deserving of the title.

I dont know if it's because I'm adopted that the titles hold much more weight for me, or if I'm just odd. I can tell you for fact that if things turned around and I did reunite with my bmom, I couldnt call her that.

I wish you all the best!

[hurtingbdaughter]

Oh I'm so glad that I read this post because I'm going through this very thing right now. My biological mother still refers to me by my biological name to all of her friends and family. She calls me her daughter to everyone, even people that I know that I've introduced her to. it's started to make me really uncomfortable and when i brought it to her attention, she refused to respect that I didnt' want her to call me her daughter.

My interpretation of this issue is that sometimes birthmothers live in a fantasy world because they missed out on so much of their child's life. For instance, I met my mother a year ago and she treates me as if i were 1 year old.

I don't really know a solution to all of this. My biological step father is supportive and understands the issue that I'm having. I wouldn't push anything on your birthfamily. For me, I had to kind of detach with love and understand that she is doing the best that she can right now. And that's not easy.

If you want to talk more about this I think we can support each other so send me a message.

I do hope that things can settle for you with this issue.