[tejaae]

Ok my story is a lil different. As is everyone's; but I can't seem to find a similar one on here to get some answers from.

Background
I am a 27(almost 28) yr old adoptee. I was given up at birth and always knew and accepted the adoption with open arms, and so did my adopted family.
When I was 18 my parents gave me my information regarding my birth family. In RI they have a passive registry so all the information is non-Identifying. But on there stated I had an older birthsister also given up for adoption.

Fast forward 6 yrs:
I find that older sister. I am now 24 yrs at this time. She is almost exactly 1 yr older. Our birthdays are a few weeks apart in April. She now lives in Seattle, but was adopted and grew-up in Maine.
We meet spend a few weeks together. One in ME, one in RI. And everything seems great. And then after a year things get quiet on her end. I offer to fly out to Seattle to see her. She declined. And then falls off the face of the earth for 2 years. Until I find her Myspace page. Where I contact her and she writes me back a break-up dear John letter. OUCH!
Saying how I had a void in my life, but she does not.

Fast Forward Feb 20, 2009: (Approx 6-8 months after Dear John letter)
I get a phone call from birthsister. ME had opened up records, and she obtained her birth certificate, and found our birth mother. She had even contacted her. And our birth-mom was excited.

Thing is birth-mother lives 1 town over from me. A 10 min drive.

Now birthsis has put in a stipulation, that "neither one of us can have her for our birthdays." And Birth-mom agreed to adhear to this. And since I can't force her, so have I, I guess. But I am so dissapointed. Why didn't she ask me what I want? Why were my thoughts and feelings never brought into play on this?

This whole situation with the birth-sister has taken my excitment of looking for my birth-mother for the past 10 years away. Her control on it has taken my 'fun' away.
I just feel so drained/depleted. That this is no longer my thing. It's hers (BS).

Anyone?

[loveajax]

Gosh, I don't think it is fair for your sis to "dictate" how things go. Have you reached out to your birth mom independently? It seems like you should be able to form whatever relationship you want to have with her. (also, I am sorry that your sis kind of blew you off).

this is so interesting to me because it "parallels" my DH's story. He has written to his birth mom and they have some email communiction back and forth...but she lives 10 minutes away. He also has an older sister placed for adoption (and four parented siblings). Anyway, I have been encouraging him to reach out to this sister, but he hasn't yet (he hasn't tried to locate her yet). I also wonder what the "dynamic" would be because of his "reunion" with his own birth mom.

Very complicated stuff, but I wish you lots of luck and hope you are able to have really good relationships with both someday soon!

[tejaae]

O yes birthmom and I speak through phone, email, and facebook.

Furthermore it seems like birthsis is getting special treatment, with long phone calls (that she comments about on her facebook page), extra special emails (that she also comments about on her facebook page), and pictures sent to her in snail-mail.
I don't know maybe I am being over sensitive, but it doesn't feel like it.

[cksmom]

Interesting...she said she doesn't have a "void" but then went searching for your bmom. Huh. I'm not sure why she thinks she gets to control the reunion for all of you but she is not the boss of you or your bmom. Maybe she thinks she can get away with it since she "broke up" with you and feels like you are lucky she even called to tell you bmom was found. I say that you should stand up for yourself to her and to your bmom. I know as adoptees we always try and be the peacemakers but she is being ridiculous and may feel threated that you live so close to mom and she is across the country.

[snuffie]

IMO there is no way a sibling should dictate anything to another sibling. Period. It is a tough situation because your sister found your bmom - but it also should be a separate situation between you and your bmom.
It isn't fair and it isn't right for your sister (especially in light of the "Dear John") to tell you how things need to happen.

[bakerjw]

I tend to lash out over things like this so I'd tell your birth sister to stick her stipulation where the sun don't shine.

You're upset that she wouldn't make room for you in her life but gladly welcomes your birth mother and I don't fault you for that in the least. Your best bet is to not go to her facebook page or even concern yourself in what she has to say or does. My wife always has to tell me to let things go and I think that this is one place where I would have to do that.

You have contact with your birth mom and everything that happens between you and her is between you and her. Don't let someone else interfere with that. Just grow your relationship and be completely open and honest. People that hide themselves and deceive always get found out in the long run.

Do you see your birth mom? If so she may give your birth sister special treatment because of the distances involved.

[Dickons]

Your reunion is between you and your birth mother...do not allow your sister to set the rules, that would be wrong and impact on YOUR REUNION, not hers.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[RavenSong]

Your birth sister has absolutely no right to stipulate what goes on between you and your birthmother. She's trying to manipulate you, IMHO, and I wouldn't be surprised if she starts trying to triangulate between the three of you. Don't let her get away with this...

If you want to see your birthmom on your birthday, that is between the two of you...your bsis has nothing to say on the matter.

[ocracoke]

Each relationship is individual. Only you and your birth mom can decide how that relationship is going to develop. I was adopted with one of my birth sisters and separated from 5 other birth siblings. When I had a falling out with one of my birth sisters the one I grew up with was upset that she had to end her relationship with the other sister too. I had to explain to her that she could maintain a relationship with our other sister even if I did not. Do not let her dictate your relationship with birthmom. It is between you and birthmom.

Samantha

[tejaae]

Well that stipulation also incluedes not getting to meet her till after our birthdays. So technically I Have to wait until the day after my birthday to meet her. So I've been so annoyed with having her so close and not being able to see her.

Thank you everyone.

[RavenSong]

I guess I don't understand why you're allowing your bsister's "stipulation" to be applied to you. The birthday thing makes no sense to me at all. If you want to meet your birthmom before your birthday arrives, go for it.

Your reunion with your birthmom is between you and her, not your sister. Don't let your bsister talk for you or make stipulations on your behalf. Communicate directly with your birthmom, and make your own plans with her.

You deserve your own relationship with your birthmom...stand up for your rights. Speak up for yourself. I know it can be scary, but it's the only way to go, IMHO.

[JustPeachy]

Wait, I don't understand why your birthmom has agreed to your birthsister's stipulation. Can you revisit this with your birthmom and let her know that you want a relationship with her on your own terms and that it can be separate from the relationship with your birthsister? Is your birthmom having a hard time not going along with your birthsister's demands for fear of losing her? I'm afraid she will end up losing YOU if that is the case!

[tejaae]

I'm not allowing it persay. Should I sit on my birthmother's doorstep and insist she meet me? No thats a lil crazy. But I should probably talk to her about how this is hurting me.
But how do you start that conversation with someone you barely know, and is yet so close to you???

BLAH......

Thanks guys!