[Scarlet.Raven]

So i made contact with my birth-grandmother a few days ago. My adoptive mother is not taking it so well. She knew this day was coming but she is still upset. I spoke with my (adoptive) grandparents about it first and decided to tell my mother about it when i was with my g-parents, so they could act as a buffer. I didn't know how she would take the news and i thought it would be easier for the both of us to have them there. Now all she seems to do when i try to talk to her is say how " I didn't consider her feelings. Its almost sickening to me that she didnt seem to care about what actually happened. She is dwelling on the fact that i told my g-parents first. I need some advice. How do i go about talking to her?? i'm going crazy.

[crick]

Maybe just a general "I'm sorry I didn't tell you first but I actually WAS trying to consider your feelings and thought by having gma & gpa there to help support you, it would be helpful. I'm sorry I made that assumption, but please know I need YOUR support now as I go through this reunion and hope you can be there for me."

I'm sorry you are having to take care of all the feelings involved before your own. I think I'd make whatever you end up saying the last time you address it. kwim? Meaning, you can try one last time to air out the "didn't tell you first" thing and if she doesn't accept it, well, not much you can do on that and you can only focus on what YOU need.

[Scarlet.Raven]

Thank you for your advice! i can use everybit i can get right now. I will try that again. hopefully she will learn to understand

[kerriv]

I read a quote in a book once along the lines of "Just as a mother has room in her heart to love more than one child, a child has room in her heart to love more than one mother." Maybe something like that would help your mom understand?
Good luck.

[JustPeachy]

Oh for goodness sake, I fully do not understand why people react like this. Honestly, does it really make a difference if your mom was the very first to know? Can't she see that maybe you wanted to have the support of your grandparents, knowing it would be difficult for her to hear this news? You did nothing wrong, and AFAIC have nothing to apologize for. It is not an easy thing for you to contact birth family in the first place, and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for how you go about telling people. It's your life, your reunion process, and you are not blatantly disregarding your adoptive family in any way. I would try not to feel responsible for your mom's reactions. While I understand she is having a hard time with this, and it is not easy for her, at the same time, she shouldn't put you in the middle and make you feel bad.

[snuffie]

Oh, my. You know you did consider your amom's feelings and you were thoughtful about how you broke the news. I'd say your job is finished. Now it is your mom's job to deal with her feelings. Sometimes the more we try to placate someone the more they resist.

You didn't do anything wrong.

[TxMom65]

Maybe I'm way off, but your amom doesn't seem to have come to terms with what she is really upset about. Contact with your bfamily is the elephant in the room that nobody will mention. But she is angry you told someone else first?

No matter who you tell first, who you call last, everyone still has room in your life. Sometimes people need reassurance. Not that it is your place to raise your mother. I'm still reassuring my 19 year old that he is just as loved as everyone else.

[snow princess]

Your amom should be happy that you considered her feelings enough to even tell her what you were doing.

YOUR feelings are the ones that are top priority here, it is your choice if you want to meet with bfamily and your amom needs to realize that this is about YOU not her or anyone else.

I realize it has to be hard for her that you want to seek out your bfamily, but she should realize that you have the desire to know who you look like, what your birth heritage is etc, medical history - when people get married they end up with 2nd families, so there should be no reason you can't have a relationship with your 2nd family

I think you were being really nice by talking to your grandparents and asking them to be there to support your mom, sounds like you have a better relationship with your grandparents btw.

I would just tell your mom that you did what you thought was best in how you told her your plans, that this is about you, that you would like her support but if she cannot support you in this venture then you will have to do it on your own.

Please do not let her make you feel guilty - you have done nothing wrong and have every right to search and if you have a reunion and it works, that is your choice - you should not have to consider anyone elses feelings.

I wish you the very best and hope that your mom realizes she will have a much better relationship with you if she supports you