[wrgamom]

I thought they were to come over Friday (I think I said Monday here, but don't know why - meant Friday) at 10am for "the talk". Well, 11 came and still nothing, but my Mom calls and asks if we got held up. Apparently, they thought they had told me to come to their hotel. We met in a conference room at a hotel, how silly is that? It was absurd.

My Mom had a four page speech she basically read which was just ridiculous to be honest. My Dad just sat there. The punchline was that they were "letting me go" as they just could not share me with anyone. Mom has always had a problem with sharing me with my friends, my husband, my children, anybody.

So, she finishes and I said, "Are you done?" (I had sat very quietly the whole time.) Then I said, "That is the silliest thing I have ever heard. You are just going to let go of 39 years of history with me." Dh chimed in and agreed.

Well, nobody yelled, but there was a lot of crying. In a nutshell, they basically tried to disown me, but dh would not let them. I told them over and over that they were my parents and I loved them. Nothing would ever change that. They threw out a few things that I am going to have to let go like talking to social workers about being foster parents and realizing how I have things wrong with me by being adopted. For example (their example), I don't talk to people in the morning. Uh, maybe because I do not like to talk to people in the morning when I first wake up? That has nothing to do with being adopted, but the simple fact I am not a morning person. I mean really silly stuff.

My Dad got into it, too, at this point and I have realized that as much as I love my father, he is an a&& like everybody has told me my whole life. I am finished defending him. It is "his way or the highway" on every subject. I gave up trying to get him to see things as did dh.

So, after an hour and a half of this, dh just finally says what I have been trying to say. (I was in shock on the whole thing, I think as well as pretty teary. Dh and I also decided that for whatever reason, they were listening to HIM and not to ME even when we said the same thing.) Paraphrasing him, "She wants you in her life, WE want you in our lives, and the kids lives. We are a family, dysfunctional though we are and you need to look past this. By finding bmom doesn't mean she has stopped loving you and this is not how loving parents behave." (Go DH!!! ) Then he went on to say stay the weekend, we have all these exciting things going on for the weekend and the kids would be so excited to see you. Eventually, they agreed and checked out of the hotel to come to the house. We went to lunch and just talked like normal. They even asked for ds (9) to come to "Camp Grandma and Grandpa" for a week this summer. Yeah, what planet are you living on right now. Baby steps. . . we blew it off in a joking manner.

They went to the school with us to pick up the boys who were beyond excited when they walked up and saw them. DD was the same way when she got home from preschool. Jumping into their arms excited. How could they have ever given that up???

So, it was an awkward weekend, but a beginning. I did tell them that the kids are going to talk about bmom because they are kids. Oldest ds (9) and dd (4) did mention her a few times. My mother even mentioned her to me a few times as well as asked some questions about bsisters so maybe the ice has been broken. I don't think they are going to be bossom buddies or anything, but maybe they can accept each other's existence now. It is still going to be a long road, but it is a start. We are going to go up there on the way to visit dh's family in July. The kids really loved on them all weekend which helped.

I still think they have given up on me, but I think they realize they can't give up on the children. That is what Mom told me Saturday. She kept saying, "You don't know how that was ripping my heart out." Well, then why do it? It was unnecessary!

They loved being at the ds's (6) first t-ball game and Cub Scout event for oldest (9) so it was good we had a busy weekend. Then we went to church and on to our parent meeting for our camping trip (which happens to be in the same city bmom lives 5 hours away). They were not too happy that we were going there because they know who we will see, but at least they are starting to accept she is part of our lives. (I left out the information that we are going a few days early to see her.) At least I hope they have started to accept it . . . .

They had planned to go home Friday afternoon, but I noticed they had enough clothes for a weekend. I think they just needed me to beg a little. I didn't like to do it, but if that is what they needed, I could do it a little. It wasn't like I said what they really wanted to hear: I will never see bmom again. They know that is not happening.

It was a strange weekend!!! Thanks for the good thoughts and kind words. I hope this is more than just a bandaid, but we will see.

[Dickons]

I'm so proud of you and your hubby...and so happy that it did not turn out as you feared...a truce is better than a war any day and is the start of the healing process...sounds like they were too scared to hear the truth to start with.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[crick]

Wow. I'm almost speechless!

Reading experiences like yours makes me really sad and I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this. You shouldn't *have* to do this much work to reassure your parents of their role in your life.

I hope they have come to a point of acceptance and from here on out they will put aside their selfishness. I can understand and empathize with their emotions in some ways, but not their actions.

I think you are a very strong person, even if it doesn't perhaps feel that way to you. You also have a great husband and wonderful support in him!

[JustPeachy]

Sorry you are being put through the wringer on this. I give you a lot of credit. I wouldn't have had the patience for any of it. It does sound like some progress was made, but holy cow, what you had to go through to get there! I hope they will not bombard you with such a tirade in the future and will just let things settle now.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Holy Cow. That is some serious ridiculousness.

I had written a long post, and then I realized I was saying essentially everything Crick said.

So...imagine me repeating everything Crick said.

[cksmom]

wow, thanks for the update! Your husband is awesome! I just can't get over your parents! I know I am new to this whole reunion thing but I have never heard of a-parents reacting this way. I am so sorry! It's almost like they are the jilted spouse and your bmom is "the other woman". the jealousy is seems so similiar. I guess it goes back 39 years. They have always been afraid of losing you to her and now that fear has materialized. but instead of grasping the concept that you are not replacing them, they decided to push you away first. Amazing how 2 older people could come up with this ridiculous "solution".

I'm so glad that for the kids' sakes they stayed and spent time. It was good for them and the kids. I'm sorry it was so awkward!

[wrgamom]

Part of their issue is that they retired two years ago and moved to a very remote area two hours farther from us. Very small town! So, they have time to think about it - and they are active in the community but still have too much time on their hands. I think that has played a huge role in things.

It really was ridiculous. I look at it and just laugh at the total absurdity of it all. I empathize with them, but they are acting like children not loving parents which is how I know them.

I know some others in my reunion are acting the same way. . . but that is another story.

[wrgamom]

And, no, my comments do not necessarily mean my sister. (Got some pm's. . . ) I probably should not have said that. Not that she is acting all that great or that there is an ongoing dialogue with her (have not had correspondence with her since September), but that was not necessarily who I was referring to - just one of many. There is enough weirdness to go around I think.

Sometimes I think my bmom and myself are the only ones in the reunion who understand, but, then again, those are the two that count most, isn't it?

I am reluctant to post here sometimes because my sister may be reading, as most of you are aware. This was too important, however.

[wishfulthinker]

Sounds like you had a tricky start but managed to tackle the "elephant in the room" successfully.

I'm usually a pessimest by nature, but in reading you post the positive outcome with your family(s) really brought tears to my eyes. I remember the days my children used to spend with the grandparents - those are memories I know I will always hold close to my heart and I hope they do the same. I'm sure your parents' original response rubbed you the wrong way and was upsetting, but I think it is so important to see the positive here. You and your children, your whole family, are very lucky to have eachother in your lives. What a treasure for you all! Please don't take a moment for granted. Embrace them and enjoy them for as long as they are around.

Best wishes for you.

[snuffie]

Wow, sounds like it went better in some ways than was thought. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It is ridiculousness (Is that a word?)

Anyway, just want to wish you all of the best. You deserve it.

Snuffie