[loveajax]

My DH had his 43rd birthday yesterday. He is normally a "BIG" birthday guy and tries to extend his birthday for a week!

Anyway, he was totally down in the dumps yesterday. He had written to his birth mom a year and a half ago. She contacted him by email before Thanksgiving, they emailed a bit back and forth. He last told her he would email her after the holidays...he hasn't (I am on him to do this, but he keeps saying, "I don't know what else to say." He asked to meet or speak with her but she asked to keep all communication by email -- btw, she lives 10 minutes away from us).

Last night, he seemed "upset" that his birth mom did not contact him -- I said, what do you expect? You never emailed her after the holidays. Then he said, "Oh, well this is a great day in history...a great b-stard was born." He was kidding, but I could tell he was sad.

Anyway, I am wondering if this is a common thing after reunion? Also, more generally, how do you want your spouse or significant other to "support" you in a reunion? I wonder if it is a bit "complicated" by the fact that DH and I are also adoptive parents so I wonder if my own feelings get too much in the mix.

Thanks!

[snuffie]

Aw, happy belated birthday to your husband.

I know a bit of how he may feel. I had a "Milestone" birthday last weekend. I've been reunited for quite a few years and none of my sisters remembered my birthday. I did have a nice birthday but I did feel sad.

Your husband may be feeling a bit rejected if his bmom only wants to correspond by email and lives only a few miles away. Maybe having him read what bmom's went through in books like "The Girls who Went Away" or "Shadow Mothers" would give him some insight. Or if he doesn't want to read them, maybe you could and tell him about them. That way he'd come to realize a bmom's perspective. She may be waiting for him to make the next move. As has been said by others - "Reunion is like a dance. There are ups,downs and dips." There is also a lot of give and take and second guessing - especially when a reunion first begins.

Your husband may not have any more questions but if there is a possibility of building a relationship, there really doesn't need to be. I know with my bsibs after the initial questions on both sides, we now talk about our lives and have basically decided to go on from here forward.

I know when I began my reunion journey my husband supported me with hugs and if I needed to talk, he was there for me.

It does sound that even though your husband said what he did in jest, there were some hurt feelings behind the words and men have an awful time sorting through feelings.

I wish the best to you and your husband. You sound like a very concerned, caring wife.

Snuffie

[loveajax]

Thank you, Snuffie!!! That is soooo helpful.

I have never read The Girls That Went Away, and I think I will.

His birth mom is pretty elderly, and also has had a stroke. She also had not told her husband/kids about DH. I suspect the reason she wants only to email is because she is "embarassed" by the stroke, but I think my DH feels like a "secret" and that's tough too.

Anyway, I know he WILL contact her again. I hope that they can move beyond the awkward email stage. To be perfectly honest, I personally would LOVE to meet her! My DH is honestly the most wonderful guy in the world, but he is a guy! And I do think he buries a lot of stuff.

Anyway, thanks again!!

[snuffie]

Oh, that could explain a lot. A stroke makes it difficult to think sometimes. And if your DH's bmom is elderly - it means she did come from the time of totally "closed adoptions". My bmom also came from that time. I have read much about that era and also have spoken with a bmom who was in the same mom and baby home that my bmom was in. (She was there a few years later.) It was horrible what they went through and they didn't have any counseling. They were just sent home after being shamed for months and dealing with their own emotions all alone and then they were supposed to "forget" the whole thing and get on with their lives. AS there was no chance of them ever seeing or contacting their child, they never thought that we would contact them. And if your DH's bmom hadn't told her husband and kids - that is another whole story in itself. I contacted my bmom years ago and she couldn't have contact with me. I was devastated but I found out years later, it was because her husband didn't know about me and me showing up would have caused untold issues in her already tormented marriage.

I can also understand your husband not wanting to remain a secret. Though I am no longer a secret in my bmom's family, the man I believe to be my bfather will not acknowledge me. It hurts and it is frustrating too!

Maybe after some time things will change for your husband. I know my bmom was also adopted and at the very end of both of their lives, she finally got to meet her bmom face to face.

[loveajax]

Snuffie, I am sorry to hear that you weren't able to meet your birth mom either. I am glad though that you have a good relationship with other members of your birth family.

Another "issue" for DH is that he is one of two children placed for adoption (apparently, his birth mom had three children, divorced, had two more children (a girl and DH), placed them for adoption, remarried, and had another son). I think he is really "curious" to meet someone related to him biologically...I told him that he should reach out to his sister (also adopted) since right now his birth mom cannot meet him and he doesn't want to contact her parented children since they do not know about him. I don't know....gosh, as I wrote that, it sounds so complicated!

I really am an optimist at heart and I think things will sort themselves out in the right way. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me!

[cksmom]

Happy Bday to your sweet husband!! I agree with Snuffie that his bmom is probably waiting for him to make the next move. Reading "the girls that went away" will explain ALOT about what she is doing or not doing. Basically, they were drilled while they waited for the baby to be born that they had no rights to this child, not right to contact at all and to NEVER tell anyone about this ever. It really is a fascinating read.

My birthday was 2 weeks ago and I thought that I would at the very least get a card or email from my bmom with just 2 words, Happy Birthday. NOPE. I guess she really meant it when she said she couldn't communicate right now. She also never told her husband. My 1/2 siblings have known about me for years. I just contacted my sister on facebook 9 days ago and she hasn't responded. I'm getting to the point where I know this is not me but they clearly have the issues. Have some common courtesy, ya know?

whoa, guess I'm a little angry today. lol

[loveajax]

Aw, happy belated bday to you too, CK!

I know my DH's birth mom did not get "sent away" (she was 26 years old and already parenting three kids), but I know that the "shame" of having a kid out of marriage was terrible back then (heck, especially two kids...placed for adoption, etc.). I definitely have sympathy for her, and wish she could meet with my DH. He's not that scary, you know? I've never met anyone who didn't like him...it's like, I can't imagine his birth sibs not wanting to know him? But I guess she must have a lot of fears. Tough stuff!

Thanks for responding and good luck hearing from your birth mom and sis.

[cksmom]

thanks! one more year of my 30's....

none of us are scary. They are scared of their own fears, insecurities and guilt. Despite the fact that she was 26, she was still talked down to and told the same things. Maybe even more so since she parenting already.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Well, love...I'm a bit in the same shoes only with J instead of with hubby. There's been no contact between them for 15 months now- no acknowledgment of a holiday (birthday or otherwise) on either end. I've worked so hard to be supportive, but at this point, I'm at a loss. I don't want to take control and though I've "suggested" things, it's really up to them to do it.

I'm not sure if it's what your feeling or not, but for me it was weird to spend so much work on being supportive and open - and then to have neither of them really open themselves or work to sustain things, I think what can I do and what good was it?

I'm sorry things are where there are. Here's to someone-either one, heck anyone!- taking the next step!

[loveajax]

CK, I just turned 40....relish that last year in your 30s!

Heidi, that's IT. One of the reasons I love a.com is because not only am I an adoptive mom, but I wanted "help" to understand adult adoptees like my DH/reunion, etc. I feel sort of guilty because I kind of "pushed" him into contact (not that he would do anything he didn't want to), and yet, I never expected "this." It's like going nowhere fast! arrggh! But yes, I think all you can do is be there and be supportive. I have been sort of "on" DH to do something, but I also realize I have no idea the complexity of the whole thing. I feel like he is just being kind of "rude" in not contacting her again yet, but I know it is really just because he is sort of at a loss. Anyway, yes, let's hope for a small sea change (if not an earthquake..haha!).

[March23]

As far as being supportive goes, just be there to talk and listen. I have been recently reunited with my bmom and when it first happened, everyone in my life had advice for me. It felt nice to know that I have people who love me, but it made me angry because none of them could truly understand what I was going through. My boyfriend has been great, he asks a lot of questions so he can try to understand better. He even joined this site! It's just my opinion, but just try to be there for them. Don't pretend like you know what they are going through..just listen and support them.