[mann_mary79]

This is my first post on adoption. com. I'm hoping that someone can give me some helpful feedback. I have faith in ya'll. ;-)

I am a 29 y/o female. My birthmother gave me up for adoption when I was three months old. About a year and a half ago, I was going through a time in my life where I was very interested in getting to know more about where I came from. So I posted my info on this site, hoping to find some information about my birth parents.

I have become a little lax about the whole thing since then. I didn't want to stress out about the situation. I just came to the conclusion that if I was meant to find her/him, then God would work things out. There is a time, reason, and season for all things, right?

Well, my season has come. Two weeks ago, out of TOTAL the blue, I received a letter from my birth mother!! I was AMAZED!! She had found out my name and some info about me from this site, and then had looked up my address and occupation through the web. She lives only ten minutes from me. In fact, the church that I recently started attending is in the same city. WOW!! The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion for me and my adoptive family.

I haven't written her back yet. It's very difficult to know where to start. I feel a little bit like I'm in limbo right now. I want to write her back, but at the same time, I don't know if I'm ready to try and build a relationship with her. Does anybody have any advice for me? It would be greatly appreciated!

[mariakw]

Wow. i can totally relate to the whirlwind of emotions that you're feeling. I found my birthmom when I was 22. and at the time I hadn't really thought about what it might mean to find her I just knew that I wanted to know more about her. I guess I would say that it would be good to think about what you want from her before you contact her. I think it's perfectly OK to just want to see her and know more about your own story. The relationship building piece of it is complicated and every individual has their own preferences as far as that's concerned. It's weird to meet a person who is so important to your life but who is in many ways a stranger. It's been 14 years since i met my birthmom and i'm incredibly glad that I did and thankful that I had the opportunity to do so, but I'm still trying to figure out how the whole relationship part works. The best advice I can give is if you want to meet her you should, but play down your expectations (even if you think you don't have any), and be patient. Because even though you have an intimate connection to her, it's a different thing to form a real-world connection with her. But if she's open to meeting with you and reconnecting, I think it could be an amazing experience. When I met my birthmom, it helped me to understand who I was in some ways that I hadn't known before. To simply see your face and being reflected in another person is something that I never knew before. but something I didn't expect was to realize that no matter what my mom and dad (my adoptive parents) were truly my parents. I still struggle with how to integrate my birthmom into my life, but one things that's helped , and it's something that she has made me realize, is that we don't have to be mother and daughter but that we can be friends and can get to know each other over time. I don't know if that helps. i hope it does, but more than anything, I think what's most important is that you do what you need to do. One thing that was really affirming about meeting my birthmom was seeing how much she cared about me and my well-being and how happy she was to see that I had become a healthy strong person. They wonder and worry about us I think, and it's really nice to know that.

[snuffie]

Wow. How exciting. I always dreamed about meeting my bmom. It will never happen as she had passed away before I found out who she was. I am reunited with my bsibs and it has been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life.

You could write your bmom back and tell her how excited you are but that you want to take things slowly.
I think the best reunions are those that are taken step by step. Be aware that emotions will crop up - some that you never realized you had!

I wish you all the happiness in the world in your reunion.
Snuffie

[Dickons]

Wow...how wonderful...

1. You may have the emotions of a teenager, this is normal. You may feel overwhelmed with different emotions coming at you from nowhere. This is pretty typical and does settle down.

2. You may be worrying about how your parents will deal with this. This is their worry, not yours, but be incredibly gentle, reassuring, loving and spend the same amount of time with them that you normally do. I kept my parents in the loop because I was too excited not to...you know your parents and how they feel, do what your instincts tell you to do, not what other people tell you.

3. As an adoptee you have two sets of parents. They are unique to each other just like the roles they have played in your life are unique to each other. Love does not dictate that you can only love one set or the other, love is limitless. Make sure your mom and dad understand this.

4. Consider writing a note to your birth mother...I received your letter, never thought we would connect, need some time to gather my emotions. Please wait until I get back to you....something to let her know you received the letter but without any type of promise other than you will get back to her and remember she is just as scared of rejection as you may be.

5. Try to read as much as you can in the mean time about the emotions of search and reunion for adoptees, knowledge will give you the common sense you need to be your own person.

6. Don't let others manipulate your reunion, be the adult you are and be compassionate to all.

Good luck,
Dickons

[mann_mary79]

Thank you SO much to all of you for your feedback!! I REALLY appreciate it!!! It has been months since I have returned to the site. It was nice to see that I had some responses to my post.
I still have not met my bmom face to face. But we text each other frequently. It's really interesting to see where I got some of my characteristics from. Just through texting her, I can see some of me in her.
I have learned that I have two brothers and a sister. And I have messaged my birth sister via Facebook. It's a little weird...but nice. Everyone that sees pictures of her says that we favor each other.(she is caucasian and I am bi-racial;caucasian and african american) So that is a little strange and exciting at the same time.
Other than that I am just taking things one day at a time. It has truely been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. And I'm sure that this is just the beginning.
Thanks for your posts:-D