[Quercus]

Hi!

I first want to thank all of you on this forum. I started reading last week in an effort to better understand and support my wife, who is an adult adoptee. I have already learned so much. Even though this is my first post, all of your stories have already helped my wife and I.

My wife lived with her birth parents until the age of 4 when her birth father left and later divorced her b-mother. After that she lived with just her b-mother until the age of 8.

Her b-mother has schizophrenia and was unable to care for my wife, so she was placed in foster care when she was 8.

Her foster parents fell in love with her and a few years later adopted her.

She had some contact with her b-mother immediately after being placed in foster care, but after the first few visits her b-mother no longer recognized my wife as her daughter and claimed it was someone else--clearly a symptom of her illness. So the visits were stopped.

She continued contact with her b-father and a b-grandmother for another few years. My wife's a-family moved around a couple of times while she was growing up and after the first move the communication with her b-father and b-grandmother stopped. My wife assumed it was because they didn't want any more contact.

Now flash forward almost 20 years to last spring. We got an email forwarded from our wedding photographer. One of my wife's b-aunts had found our wedding photos online and had emailed our photographer to say the whole b-family was looking for my wife, and had been for years.

My wife quickly checked her online presence and found an message from a b-grandmother and her half sister on MySpace.

She was completely stunned and had no idea how to respond. She knew she had a half sister and half brother from her b-father's second marriage, but did not know if they knew she existed.

After a week or so she emailed her b-grandmother and b-aunt. They were thrilled to hear from her and wanted to meet as soon as possible. She still needs time to process all this and didn't communicate much with them all fall, but emailed them again a couple months ago.

It has all been very overwhelming for my wife. She had no idea they were looking for her or even wanted to reunite. Also, her a-family is very small, just her a-parents and one a-aunt. So now she has gone to thinking of herself as an only child in a small family to realizing she has 2 half siblings and about 16 aunts and uncles (8 on each side) most of whom have children about my wife's age.

Both her b-mother's and b-father's families live in the same town and are all friends with each other. We have learned that her b-mother is still alive and in a group home, so she is being cared for.

She has also received two emails from her b-father, which have been the most difficult for her. He, and everyone she has been in contact with, have been very direct in addressing why it was she was placed in foster care and not kept with her b-father, but it is still difficult to hear and process.

She has also been emailing a lot with her half sister and discovering that she really likes having a sister.

She is still not ready to go meet them all in person, I think it'd be totally overwhelming to meet that many people and she agrees. But a couple of her b-aunts may come to visit us in the spring.

She still has yet to respond to her b-father, but we continue to talk about it.

As I say, I've been trying to support her as best I can. Reading this board has helped because most of our friends are unfamiliar with these issues and while they can listen, they don't have much to say beyond, "Wow!'

I now see that, while her story is unique, everyone's story is unique as well. But many of the emotions are fairly common. For example, her a-mom was very worried about the b-family finding her one day. It's taken a lot of talking, but her a-mother and a-father seem OK with it now.

OK, this has gotten really long. I've shown her this site, but just reading it is a bit much for her, so I thought I'd start by posting. It's been a bit overwhelming for me too!

[loveajax]

Quercus, I am so glad you posted!!! I am the wife of an adult adoptee who recently was "reunited" with his birth mom (though he hasn't met her yet). It is very odd for me in some ways, and I am trying hard to be supportive but also trying not to "direct" him into doing anything (hard, because I am a controlling person!!).

Anyway, I do think taking things slowly is what most people recommend. Your wife can process things in the ways she needs to. I am so glad that she has you and your support too! I have been "feeding" Dh some info that I have learned here (spoon feeding!) and I think it has helped a bit.

Anyway, welcome and best of luck to you and your wife!!

[Quercus]

Loveajax, thank you for the welcome.

Going slowly seems to be the right pace. While I'm sure her b-family feels it is glacial, it has to be at the pace that is right for her.

And I've been "spoon-feeding" my wife as well. I hope everyone on here realizes how helpful their posts are!

For example, my wife's a-mom over-reacts to everything. Even minor issues get the full-on freak-out treatment. So my wife and I thought that her intense emotions around my wife reuniting with her b-family was just another case of her over-reacting to everything.

But reading people's stories I have learned that her a-mom's feelings are the same as the feelings that a lot of a-parents feel, and that it comes from a loving place, and a desire to protect their a-child. Talking about that with my wife really helped her. And has helped her relationship with her a-mom.

So, thanks again!

[loveajax]

I have often talked about how "cool" my MIL was when my SIL (DH"s sister) reunited with her own birth mom. But recently, my MIL kept saying, "Well, sweetie, when you met your real mom...." (My SIL's birth mom sadly died after their meeting). It made me realize that I think my MIL was probably more "affected" by it than I thought. And I felt bad for SIL who had to keep reassuring her. (The beauty of MILs, eh!). My DH hasn't even told his mom yet that he has communicated (by email) with his birth mom....She knows that he located her, but hasn't asked many questions. I am curious to see how that one plays out!

Anyway, it is sometimes hard to watch the person you love so much having to process so many difficult (and also wonderful) emotions, isn't it?

[txrnr]

I think it's great both of you are supporting your spouses and coming here to learn more. I read somewhere, I'm sure here, that it's wise to let the "found" party dictate the pace. I'm sure it's tough on the others, but let your wife know it's normal, and she should take all the time she needs to sort out what she thinks, especially given her family history. No matter how understandable, that has to be tough.

Good luck

[Quercus]

That seems to be a good approach. It's definitely a lot for my wife to process. And it's not the only thing going on in her life, of course. She started a new job about a week before the first contact and the job has not been going well. And of course dealing with a-mom and her feelings about it all.

So yeah, definitely slow, baby steps at this point.

[Janeytwo]

Quercus,

Just wanted to say that your wife's story touched me deeply. Not only on a general level but on a personal one as schizophrenia runs in my family and I have seen what its capable of doing.

Anyway, kudos to you for supporting your wife in what must surely be a very stressful time for her.

I hope you can feel comfortable to keep posting to the people in this forum. They have so much wisdom to offer.

Wishing you and your wife much peace through all of this.

Sincerely,

[cksmom]

what an amazing story! I am glad you and your wife found this forum. It is so helpful and comforting!

I can really relate to friends and family saying "wow" and that's all they can offer regarding all this. LOL

[appyammersgirl]

I'm the partner of an adoptee who told me last night that he is finally ready to search! He is scared of what is ahead and says he wouldn't be embarking on this without my support.
I feel a little humbled by that as I haven't done anything except listen to him.
So I am about to join him on his journey and wanted to say for the post as I feel a little overwhelmed by all this too. Even though I am not part of the triangle.

[Quercus]

Thank you for all your kind words.

I know it's been a while since I first posted. Not much had changed. My wife emailed a few times with her birth relatives, and her birth grandmother friended me on Yahoo instant messenger, but has yet to message me.

But then her aunt said she could come visit this spring. So they emailed about that and it's going to be an aunt and a cousin (on her birth father's side).

She arrives in a few hours. This is the first in-person contact in about 20 years. We are all, well, feeling a lot of emotions.

They are staying in a nearby hotel, and we live in Washington, D.C, so there are plenty of sites to see while we all get to know each other. But still, wow.

We are also in the final push to get our condo on the market. So we are distracting ourselves with spring cleaning at the moment. Yeah, selling a place and first contact, a lot going on.

I'm sure I'll have a lot to say after their visit.

[loveajax]

Oh, Quercus, how exciting (and nervewracking). Best to you and keep us updated!

[Quercus]

Nervewracking indeed.

My wife just pointed out she hasn't actually talked to any of them yet. It's only been email.

We pick them up at the airport in a couple of hours. I'm sure there will be plenty of talking then.

[cetalley]

I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOUR WIFE, AND SHE IS BLESSED TO HAVE YOU, BY HER SIDE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. I HOPE SHE CAN REMEMBER JUST TO BE HERSELF, AND KNOW, THAT IT WILL BE NICE TO HEAR SOME OF HER PAST, AND THE PART OF HER PAST IS GOING TO BE COMING FROM HER FIRSTDADS SIDE OF THE FAMILY. It may vary when she indeed decides to meet her firstdad. I can only hope she will get the chance to meet her firstmom, if she so chooses, at least some relatives from her firstmoms family, may give her great insight into her firstmom and her life. Regardless, give her hugs, and let her know we are all thinking about her. I also wish to let you know, it is rare for us to hear from a male spouse of an "adoptee", it has been wonderful to see a spouse give voice in this very important time in your lives, and see/know, she has you to lean on! Blessings, she will be just fine...keep us posted, hopefully in time she will be able to come share, for these forums do help all sides of the triad....C.J.

[Quercus]

The flight was about 3 hours late, but they finally arrived around 9:30 and we picked them up at the airport and took them to the hotel.

We had drinks and talked for a few hours. Today we had breakfast together, went to the zoo, and then had lunch. I think we're all exhausted.

It's been very emotional for all of us (well, the 12 year old cousin is probably not affected by this all that much, lol). But thanks to all of you, and reading people's messages here, I had some idea of what to expect and was able to help my wife understand it a bit.

The aunt is super nice and has a huge heart. She has been very forthcoming with information and talking about my wife's early childhood, and everything that went on.

I've been asking a lot of probing questions. Sometimes it's easier for me to ask than for my wife to ask. And I don't have a problem asking anyone about anything


We came home and fell asleep.

My wife's adoptive mom just called to ask how it's all going. She asked me what we've been told and commented that there's no good answer that my wife will hear.

I told here that my wife isn't looking for an answer that will "make everything better." She just needs to know what the answer is, what happened all those years ago. Because it's the story of her life, it's who she is, and that's something we all need to know.

She really seemed to understand that answer and then started telling me stories from that time that she remembers.

She's on the phone with my wife right now and they are having a good talk about it all. I think this process is now bringing the two of them together too.

That's the brief update right now.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Sounds good so far! Thank you for sharing how it's going. For the record, I think that was a great way to put it to her mom and it seems like it made sense to her.

Keep us updated.