[anjfp]

Hi,

I was adopted when I was 2.5 months old from India. My parents are both white, I have an older brother who was also adopted and two younger siblings who are biological to my parents. Growing up it was obvious that I was adopted, and it was something that was talked about. I am now 24 years old and I feel like I was just hit by a truck with issues that I never ever had or dealt with when I was younger.

I am in graduate school, and as this is a path of self discovery in and of itself, I was perhaps a little too ambitious on my courseload this semester and have dropped 2 classes since the start of the semester. With each dropping of the course, I went to speak directly to the professor to explain the reasons for dropping and that it wasn’t personal, that I just have felt totally disengaged from my classes and have no idea what is going on in them or in my life right now. He was very supportive, but encouraged me to question if this degree and this field is the right one for me and to examine my sense of self because he sensed there was something more than just feeling overwhelmed with work. I went through a transition similar to this once before, two years ago—ironically (or perhaps not) throughout the 3 months after my first trip back to India.

So, on this tumultuous path of self discovery, I am afraid of what I am discovering, what I have boxed away and not wanted to discuss. I feel like I live like a chameleon, in that I can make any situation work and succeed in it, but then I always come back to , is it really who I am?

I sense a common thread in my life of deep commitment and intimacy issues, things that I never noticed before, or never wanted to admit. Every relationship I have been in has been plagued by this. I either set it up for failure (i.e., dating someone who I know is going to be relocating soon) or just end it before I get hurt.

I guess part of me thought that by skimming the surface and making the most of what comes your way, that I could avoid all of this. I am frustrated that it was never an issue until now and that it just seems ridiculous. To me, it seems ridiculous that at 2.5 months old I really knew enough to lead to these problems now. Since going back to India, I have discussed with others the dilemma of not fitting in there, not fitting in here in America either. I am grateful to my parents who adopted me, but more and more I feel that they don’t know who I am either.

I am good, perhaps too good, at hiding behind this image I have created of myself as a confident, strong and independent woman. And yet, times like this I just feel like an impostor in my own life. Any suggestions on how to make sense of this all and to move forward would be greatly appreciated….


anjfp

[LongWalkHome]

anjfp - I can completely sympathize with the "hit by a truck" feeling. Happened to me recently and it really threw me for a loop. I never experienced anything like it and I seriously hope it doesn't repeat. Everything you're saying does not strike me as at all unusual - relationship concerns, identity crisis, not fitting in.

I would point out that you're still only 24. While you've undoubtedly accomplished much and experienced a lot of things, I suspect you're still figuring out who you really are. (If you're analytical like me, you probably think that sounds like BS) But I think your professor was on the right track. It takes a long time to figure out for yourself what you believe in, what *you* really stand for vs. what you were told or taught to stand for, what guides your decisions like your moral compass.

The good news is that this is all stuff you can figure out on your own and have control over. It doesn't sound like you're boxed in by decisions you've made or existing relationships.

What made me ultimately feel significantly better was reminding myself that I had control. Realize that you, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. Recognize when something isn't working for you and think about what's in your control to change it. (Also realize that sometimes all the choices you have suck - if so, tough luck, it happens to everyone, pick the best one, accept your decision and move on).

Lastly, regarding the fitting in, I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere per se. I'm hoping I find somewhere but if I don't, I just realize that feeling is part of what defines me. It helps if you don't need validation from others to know you're making the right choices or to make you feel good about yourself. Otherwise it just kills your self-esteem when you don't get it and reinforces the feeling.

I'm sorry if this all sounds too vague or psych 101. I'm trying my best to express what seems to be working for me. Good luck.

[a6tromblygoo]

Wow! I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can say I feel a good portion of the way you do. It as though you wrote what I am feeling right now. I am white so I can only emphazise with how your heritage compounds the other adoption issues. But I to have a history of failed relationships, I feel like I don't quite belong anywhere and yet have a great independent i can conquer the world attitude, while I silently spiral out of control emotionally. I have learned that alot of these thougths and traits are common among adoptees. One book that really helped was "25 things adoptive kids want their adoptive parents to know" and the second one that I am in the middle of reading right now is "20 Life tranforming choices every Adoptee need to make". That has been helpful so far. Another one I haven't read, but was recommended to me is "Primal Wound" Those books might really help you gain some insight there written by Sherrie Eldridge, also an adult adoptee.I just logged on because my marriage is falling apart, I am about to be 30 and am just realizing how much my adoption has impacted my life even though I was only 2 weeks old. I feel like I have no one to talk to that understands or has the time. Try the books they have helped me quite a bit.

[anjfp]

Thanks...

I am currently reading "Primal Wound" and have heard about the other books you mentioned as well. I will look into them.

I wish I could say things are better, but it's all still too "new" I think. I came home for the weekend, and part of me wants to try to have some of this conversation with my mom, but I still haven't figured out the best way to do that.... I think I just need to give things some more time...

[Janeytwo]

Dear ANJPF,

Hi. I'm Janey.

I'm not an adoptee but I just wanted to stop by and say that I wish you all good things as you go on this journey of self-discovery.

It's never easy to come to terms with who we are and where we've been.

Kudos to you for your courage!

Whereever you travel next, may the road rise to meet you.

Sincerely,

[a6tromblygoo]

Talking to parents can be scary, I still am not able to fully. My mom did read the "25 things....." book and said it helped her really understand us (both my sisters were adopted, different bio-parents). We really struggled as teens and young adults, my mom said she wished that book would have been around when she was younger. Maybe a good way of talking to your mom is reading the book yourself first and lending it to her. When you lend it to her highlight the sections that really hit home, it could be a good way to talk about things with a little research on your side. Then maybe set up a lunch date or something and tell her you hope to talk about the book and some of your feelings. Moms are more resilient and understanding than we give them credit for The book triggered some really good discussion between me and my mom.

[anjfp]

Thanks for the suggestion. I think I will try that. I just read the Primal Wound. I'm looking for that one you mentioned too. I appreciate it.