[Dickons]

Because we come here, do people really assume we are 'angry adoptees'? How can that be changed or is it a prejudice that cannot be overcome by reason? Is there any point in trying? I find myself upset over the assumption.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[belleinblue1978]

I've been being labelled the angry adopted person since, well a long time. Honestly, if people want to think that of me then they don't know me very well at all. I ignore it to be honest. If I spent time worrying about what every person thought of me, I'd grow old and get nothing done.

[dpen6]

Dickons,

What I have come to see based upon forms, blogs and real life is the fact that if we don't fall the party line...which party line is be expoused we are angry and hostile.

we can't win for loosing!...LOL Its very annoying.
I beleive that out of the whole triad it is us that are put in a box and are expected to be a certian thing to SOMEONE and if we don't follow that someones needs we are angry and hostile. No matter how much we try to explain and tell others what it really is about for us there will be someone that thinks we are not thinking right....just because of us being born and existing. No other reasin then that.

Am I angry and hostile at MY unique sitution..no...have I been pretty much able in incorporate who and what I am based upon my life...sort of...getting there. AM I thankful how things panned out for me...yes..do I love my apaents, yes.very much(mine are better then yours..nananana), do I care about my bfamily yes, but I think I care more about the bio information they hold that impacts me and my children. Do I UNDERTAND the wys and wherfores of people needing to adopt the reasons for placing, the hurts of my mothers ...YES!!!! ButI hold a seperate place from them, a unique place from them and do get angry when that is not respected, when that place is so threatening to someone that they totally dismiss it as me being hostile and angry...then I become hostile and angry!!! LOL

[stinky_kitty]

Well said Dpen! I agree wholeheartedly. I gave up caring what people thought of me a long time ago, but it still gets frustrating sometimes.

[Batman.Incubus]

I think people do assume too many things in general. If you try to seek help then you can't deal with the ideas on your own, that kind of thing, and therefore that makes you an 'angry adoptee'. This annoys me because it places the blame on the adoptee, when there should be no blame.

Open minded people would listen, but you would have to talk to them and generally people that are more open minded have less assumptions. I don't think people have a right to assume all adoptee's are angry. I find that a quite upsetting presumption especially since the majority of adoptions must work out well.

That's the trouble with life, you have to ignore so much, and play by the rules that a strange society dictates for everyone. The only way to be content in yourself though I think, is too ignore the small prejudices, otherwise you become what they say you are.

[txrnr]

I hope not. This place is not nearly as angry as some out there. I think we do get boxed in, and at times, I think it's by other peoples expectations of what they fear they'll find. Bmom's worry we will hate them, aparents assume we must if we need to search etc... (and those are broad generalizations, not reality as many don't feel that way) Therefore, we must be angry.

I get tired of being told that my reluctance to search means I'm in denial. Now that I think I may make contact, I hate to think of the "I told you so". No chance that it's just the right time in my life...

I do belong to an adoptee only board, and some of them are quite ticked off, but that's their position and their story. I have no issues with it. It's nice to have a place like that if I want to vent, or make rationalizations that I won't hurt any of the other triad members feelings.

[happy_adoptee]

thank you for your comment . i feel the same way i am a adoptee and have got some pretty harsh reactions frm others. mostly in the chtrm. just because we r adopted does'nt mean we r searching or angry iam a very HAPPY adoptee . sorry if this makes others mad .

[blondie_boo]

I am a very happy adoptee also. I grew up in a very loving family and had some very amazing opportunities that I probably would not have had otherwise. I would not trade my family for any other. I certainly am not angry, just curious about my birth family.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I've never understood when you get called that. I've seen the truly angry adoptee sites and you guys here are nothing like that! In fact, you're open, frank, generally even-handed and contribute something really important. I think labeling you can be a way to dismiss what you have to say, or for other people to use you to justify their own ends.

[Janeytwo]

Hey there,

SanDiego

I think labeling you can be a way to dismiss what you have to say, or for other people to use you to justify their own ends.

Brilliantly put! People are going to always try to box people in to their idea of what they want those people to be. We only have the choice of living within that box or breaking out of it. But we will not be liked for living outside the box. That makes others uncomfortable. Screw them, ya know.

Depen6

I beleive that out of the whole triad it is us that are put in a box and are expected to be a certian thing to SOMEONE

Last week I said in the bmom section that there is one group of people in here who are lambasted by society like no others, IMO.

Foster parents.

Talk about a group of people who are stuck in a box of society's making. Talk about a group of people who are misunderstood and judged harshly. We've all heard the comments I'm sure. Ya know, "Oh they're only foster parents so they can get money from the State"

Or this conversation I've overhead more than once,

Person A: "The paper reported that the child was abused by their foster parents."

Person B: "Oh well! There you go then! That explains it!"

I'm white, I'm black, I'm green with purple spots. Somewhere out there, somebody doesn't like me.

[Dickons]

It helps to hear that...it really does...it just gets me so frustrated that others never want to hear the flip side so they can have the entire picture to base their decisions on. I don't know what goes on in an adoptive or birth moms mind because I have not experienced it. I know from a child's perspective of what my mom and dad struggled with, overcame, and forged on stronger than before, but I cannot truly feel their pain because it is not my own. Generally I am simply trying to give a perspective of the flip side and how conflicted an adoptee can feel...loyalty, love, longings, fears, tears, joy, laughter, insecure...really just like any other child dealing with the circumstances dealt to them.

I am angry at the ways society has chosen to act over the last 100 years and in my own small way I am trying to give a rational view of what could be going on.

Sometimes I want to scream - do you hear me? Really hear me or are you wording your reaction to what you perceive I have felt and written. I see this in all facets of life, the person talking and the receiver focusing on how to put his side across instead of actually listening, absorbing, feeling the message being conveyed. Perhaps I feel it more since my stroke and being unable to speak to start with, and now seeing the unconscious annoyance of the time it takes to 'spit out my thoughts'...and how easy it is to miss what I truly am saying.

ZXCZ...I know you are worthy of the title of Mother, and Mom...and protector...you came here to make me feel better and that is truly special.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[BrockBaby]

Nobody has ever called me an angry adoptee. I have heard reference to people being "angry" if they want to search, ect...but I personally have never had anyone say it to my face. And even if I were angry...what business is it of theirs?!!

Also...happy_adoptee...I go to the chatroom ALL the time, and to be honest, most of the people I chat with could care less if a person searched or not. I am friends with several chatters and they all are very supportive.

[-maggie]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Because we come here, do people really assume we are 'angry adoptees'? How can that be changed or is it a prejudice that cannot be overcome by reason? Is there any point in trying? I find myself upset over the assumption.

Kind regards,
Dickons

I don't think that I have come across a post on this site that gives me the impression that any adoptee here is "angry". However, I think that the ones that "assume" that anyone is angry here are the ones that are not LISTENING.

Sometimes I wish I could just scream at them to reread and allow themselves to understand! They would learn so much if they would really LISTEN.

Dickons don't let it get to you! It's not you.

[JustPeachy]

I don't view the adoptees on this board as "angry." Of course, we all come here once in awhile and vent, or have our "hot button issues" that trigger us. But to generalize and say people are "angry adoptees" because they have a strong opinion on something is just ridiculous. It would be no different if someone said I'm a depressed and regretful birthmom just because I may sometimes feel sad about certain aspects of placing my son. It stinks to be painted with a broad brush in a stereotypical manner when there are so many facets to individual personalities.

[crick]

I think it's like a lot of things...if you have any moment or times of unhappiness or anger, then people (not very smart people) jump to the conclusion that you are feeling that way all the time and it makes up your entire being.

Obviously we all have bad days, thoughts of hmmm, times of sadness or whatever it is that we feel. But I do think in adoption, it's taken a step further with the labeling and that is unfortunate.

I think at times the adoptee voice isn't listened to with as much weight because the other 2 sides either can't or won't face some of the possibilities that might be true for our children. So it's much easier for some to dismiss it all by saying "well, THAT adoptee feels that way, but she/he is OBVIOUSLY angry in general so I'm NOT going to listen". Sad...but ya, I do see that.

On the flip side, hopefully there are enough people who DO listen and not only that...actually hear you!