[DebsW]

I have not been here in such a long time. I am so confused with my bmom's behavior and I really don't know what to do.

We have had what I would call a very successful reunion for a couple of years now. Of course there were bumps in the road now and then, but they were things that anyone could see coming in this kind of reunion with this many emotions.

However, I think I may have made bmom angry somehow and I don't know what I did. I can guess but I'm really at a loss.

I saw her and my sister recently and bmom gave a very beautiful and sentimental gift to bsister. It was a gift bmom received when bsister was born etc. What a celebration it must have been, although many years before I had been born and not one relative acknowledged my existance. When bmom was picked up from the home for unwed mothers, her mother complained about the drive to pick her up, traffice and anything else except me. Then many years later when my bmom has other children she is happy and excited. Now we all know that is pretty much how many lives of bmoms played out. Most got married and had a family.

I guess what is so difficult is why would she give this gift to my bsister in front of me? She was very direct and specific that this item belongs to bsister etc etc. I wanted to shout I GET IT!!!

I felt so ill all the way home that I thought I would have to pull over and throw up. I know I have a very hard time dealing with the fact that I was unwanted by nearly everyone surrounding my birth, I had aparents who adopted for show, need to have the "family", we were decorations.

I don't think I will ever be able to talk to anyone about this. I feel devastated.

[dpen6]

I am not understanding why she did that either. Has there been any competition between you and your bsister? Has your bsister had some problems with you so bmom felt she needed to "validate" bsis in front of you. If so it was pretty cruel.

On the other hand there may have been nothing to it and bmom was insenstive to how you might have felt about it. I think you need to ask bmom in some way. Like.."wow, that was a nice gesture you gave to susieq.....leave it at that and see how she responds. Then go from there.

[Janeytwo]

Dear DebsW,

I really don't know what to say about why your bmom would act that way but I can see how much pain it caused you and I just wanted you to send a few hugs your way.

(((( DebsW ))))

her mother complained about the drive to pick her up, traffice and anything else except me.

My mother also so some very cruel, callous things to me 31 years ago on the trip from the hospital. I have tried to think that maybe it was her generation and they way they were raised. I don't know.

As for the gift-giving incident, do you feel close enough to your bmom to ask her why she did this? I know that must be a scary thing and there is always the desire to not rock the boat. Yet if her actions are causing you pain, you have every right to confront her IMO.

Easier said than done I know.

Wishing you peace today!

[DebsW]

dpen6 and Janeytwo,

Thanks, bsis is a mess, I believe she has a personality disorder. Bmom has always been so careful for every birthday, holiday etc to make everything "equal". I guess that is why I was so surprised by the incident. I don't feel like I can bring it up with her. I may not like the answer and I don't think I can take much more. I have never been that upset and sad where I felt physically ill before. It was/is very disturbing.

[austin0i]

Hi Deb,

First, I want to tell you I understand how you feel. It hurt to your core and I understand the pain.

I do not know what to say about the actions of your bmom, other than that was a very insensitive thing to do.

The relationship between your bmom and bsister is theirs and theirs alone and it really sounds like your bmom used you to make bsister feel better and I find that inexcusable. In fact, that would raise HUGE red flags for me, in terms of allowing myself to become too emotionally invested with someone who cares so little for your feelings.

If I were you, I would flat out tell her how hurtful that was and tell her why. If she reacts poorly or demeans you for how you feel, than that really shows you where your relationship is at.

Also, if she can not recognize why that would be hurtful to you, or be sensitive to your feelings, I would advise you to begin creating distance between yourself and her, as a way to protect yourself.

Honestly, as much as you want to trust your heart to your bmom, her actions would make me VERY hesitant to trust her with anything.

Don’t keep this inside because you are afraid of her reaction. It will eat you up and after time, there won’t be any relationship to save.

All the best and hang in there. I totally understand you

Kim

[DebsW]

Kim, I am so glad that people "get it". I was afraid I was over reacting. I am so heavily emotionally invested in this relationship already. We have, until now, been very close, or I thought we were. I am just so confused. She always has been caring and thoughtful. I know she NEVER has wanted to talk out feelings around the adoption. I mean, she has told me what happened, when and who etc. But I have never told her how much it messed me up. I don't think I can ask her about this. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill but I am trying to "get it out" so I don't let it destroy me.

[Steph-Jason]

Hi Deb-
I hope you don't mind an A-Mom chimming in.
I don't have any personal experience with this but just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that your bmom did this. I think you're right to be hurt and it's very unfair of her to do this. Do you guys have the kind of relationship that you are able to talk openly about things like this? If so- maybe talking to her would help?? Perhaps this would clue you in to the motivation behind it. Like a pp said- perhaps it's because your bsis is insecure?? I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this. I hope you guys are able to resolve this & hopefully move forward with your relationship.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Kim, I am so glad that people "get it". I was afraid I was over reacting. I am so heavily emotionally invested in this relationship already. We have, until now, been very close, or I thought we were. I am just so confused. She always has been caring and thoughtful. I

I don't think I can ask her about this. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill but I am trying to "get it out" so I don't let it destroy me.

Debs, I send this with<<<<HUGE HUGS>>>,and I am sorry for your pain and hurt you are feeling. I must add I would have felt the same. You state she has never truly wanted to talk about her relinquishing, and this sounds to me like you need to. Is it a possibility to sit down, and put all your feelings in writing(hand written of course),and let her know how all these issues are effecting you? If she has sensability issues that deal with her relinquishing you, she needs to know this, and confront it rationally with you. Have either of you had counseling? I know you can only be responsable for your own feeling..not hers. The only other recourse is to call her, tell her you really need to talk to her, one on one, because there are things you need to discuss. I know this is not much help, but there is no other way! I think one of the other posters, mentioned pulling out and ending the reunion....I disagree! When we go into this reunion thing, we are of the full understanding there is no turning back...for there has been ENOUGH abandoning to last all of us a life time. The only way is to communicate, it takes both to do that. If she refuses to "talk" about your feelings and her actions, then maybe telling her you need time away until SHE is READY, then let her know to call you and you will be there! This is the last option, and the MOST you can do. I wish I could help further, as a firstmom, this always makes me so so sad. It was "our" decision, (firstmoms; no matter our reasons), to relinquish, so the least "we', as firstmoms, can do is be willing to give you what it is you request...explanations, respect, love, and understanding..all of which you deserve! But she cannot change the way she is behaving and making you feel, if you do not TELL her... Blessings, please keep posting...we do care..C.J.

[shadow riderer]

Hi Debs:
As the saying goes, "I feel your pain." It was several months ago I finally came to the realization that on the day I was born, not a soul on this earth was happy to see me come into the world, including me. (They had to pull me out with forcepts.) It was a hard fact to accept. It was one of those things that just kind of stops you in your tracks and takes your breath. Wow, no one should ever have to know what that feels like. It's not a fun way to feel about yourself. To be blunt, it just simply stinks, and oh, yes, it hurts, really hurts. What I want to say to you now is that it's alright to feel the pain and allow yourself to grieve. It's alright to be angry about it, sad about it, or any other feeling about it you may have. Let yourself feel it. Let yourself grieve. It's O.K., and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, how they feel, whether they understand, or not. This is for you and you alone. Let yourself grieve, and then do your best to find a way to let it go. (I'm still working on this myself, but it's getting better with time.)

As far as your Bmom, I would really encourage you to tell her how you feel. I have been reunited with Bmom for 20 years. I never spoke up when she did things that made me feel what you are feeling now. I kept it inside. I was afraid of losing my Bfamily. My Bmom has done a lot of crappy stuff over the years similar to what your Bmom has done. I'll say this in her defense, I don't think she ever "intentionally" meant to hurt me. She is just a little on the self-centered side. Because I never spoke up, and due to her emotional issues, our relationship is very, very close to being beyond repair. Talk to your Bmom. Whatever happens is going to happen sooner or later. You will eventually have to confront the situation with your Bmom. Don't let years of little "pricks in the heart", or stabs for that matter, build up until it is too much to get past.


I would also encourage you to get some counceling first. It will help to have extra support to help you get through all this, as well as, a sounding board. Oh, and the Bmoms on here give great advice and insight too.

[Mil]

[quote]However, I think I may have made bmom angry somehow/QUOTE]

I guess I don't understand why you think you made bmom angry. Has she backed off since this incident?

I totally understand why you would be upset with her for giving your bsis the gift IN FRONT OF YOU. Very insensitive. I think the only way to get past this is to talk to her. I realize that would be tough, but otherwise the two of you aren't going to get past this.

[austin0i]

I think the only way to get past this is to talk to her. I realize that would be tough, but otherwise the two of you aren't going to get past this.

I agree with MIL 100%

If you ignore it, it will eat away at you and build resentment in your heart.

Approach her with sensitivity and love. Explain to her how important she is to you and how deeply she can "touch" you ( in good ways and in bad ways)

You must be able to talk to her, like MIL said, or you will not get by this and your relationship will stall and eventually die.

Hang in there Deb. We all know exactly the way you feel and those feelings are absolutely valid and real and deserve to be respected.

You deserve to be heard and your mom also deserves a chance to be made aware of the situation and make it right

[wishfulthinker]

I agree with the others that communication is key - as it is in any relationship.

I have some other thoughts bouncing around in my head that I'm going to go out on a limb and try to communicate...

I do not have the first hand knowledge about reunion, as I am not fortunate enough to have located my bfamily - still searching. I have been giving a lot of thought to reunion and this whole adoption thing, especially since I began searching - I'm trying to prepare myself (if that's possible). Anyways, it was insensitive of your bmom to give the gift to your sister in front of you. It is possible that she didn't consider it insensitive though. I'm sure that the bond she shares with your sister is much tighter than the one you two are building. Afterall, she raised your sister. Some people say blood is always thicker than water - I, myself, do not believe this. Your mom and sister have a history. She nurtured her all of her life. She knows her better than anyone (as most mothers know their children). You and she were strangers when you reunited. I'm sure she must care a lot for you, as she is your bmother. But, I don't think that compares to her feelings she holds for the daughter she birthed AND raised. I am in no way slamming your mom, please don't take it that way. I just think that your mom wanted to do something special for your sister/her daughter and that was what was foremost in her mind. She shouldn't have to belitte or play down her love for her daughter that she raised because it makes you, or anyone else, uncomfortable. However, I do think it would be a smart idea to talk to her one-on-one about how it made your feel. Maybe tell her how it saddens you that you and she don't have that history or bond that your sister and she share. Not in an accusatory way, of course. The past is the past - for whatever reasons she relinquished you and that cannot be changed. It is only normal to think about, and yearn for the life you could've shared with her.

Along these lines, maybe you can ask yourself if the reason this incident upset you so much is that you're feeling some jealousy over the relationship you mom, and the rest of the family, has with your sister. Do you wish that they all felt that strongly and lovingly about you? I kind of got that feeling as I read your post. No wants to talk about that green-eyed monster of jealousy, but I would think it would be a natural feeling for you to have concerning this situation. Just as a bmom may feel some jealousy towards an amom over the sharing of lives that was missed out on. If and when I ever get to meet my bmom and if I was to have a sister I would probably feel some jealousy, especially if my bmom turned out to be a lovely person.

It seems there are so many emotions to work through and accept in reunion. I do think that in the end we all have to accept that our relationship with our bfamily is not, and could not possibly be, equal to the relationship that our bparents share with our bsiblings who were raised by them -- and that's ok. Our relationship doesn't have the history, but as long as we are all open to reunion and willing to communicate with eachother we can build relationships with our bfamilies that are special and unique in their own way. It's like comparing apples and oranges - they are too different to compare, but both are good in their own way.

Good luck to you. It is up to you to decide if the relationship that you and your bmom are building is worth the challenging work of honest, open, respectful communication.

[Janeytwo]

Shadow rider,

It was several months ago I finally came to the realization that on the day I was born, not a soul on this earth was happy to see me come into the world,

I know this doesn't help much my dear friend, but I for one am glad you came into the world. You and the good folk in this adoptee's forum have taught me more about myself in a year's time than I've learned in ten.

I hope it helps to know that on the day you came into the world, you were fated to help one woman named Janey find her way back from a very dark and desolate place!

All God's best to you sweetie and to all in here!

[shadow riderer]

Thank you Janey. You put a smile on my face, and yes, it helps to hear your words.

For some adoptees, the circumstances of our births are just simply a sad fact. It’s just the way it was, especially for adoptees in the closed era. It doesn’t mean our birth mothers didn’t love us. It’s more like they were not allowed to love us. It’s hard to understand how an entire family can turn their backs on a little, innocent child and it’s mother, but it is the way it was back then. It’s a hard fact to accept and one none of us want to believe. For some of us, that is just how it is. Though it was never a personal thing against us, it is extremely hard not to take it personally, especially when we hit those bumps in reunion. Though some adoptees births were not happy celebrations, it has nothing to do with them as a person. It is just a fact of our lives. It does not mean we are not valuable human beings. It’s a sad fact to grieve, but it’s not something to dwell on. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can. It’s acceptance and change. We all have value adopted or not.

I want to touch on something Wish hit on. The history between BP’s and their raised children, andBP’s and their relinquished children. This is just strictly my opinion based on my experience. I think sometimes in reunion, especially in the beginning, though everyone knows it isn’t realistic, everyone wants to pretend the mmissed years did not exist, or they try to go overboard on making up for lost time. Hard as everyone tries, sooner or later, it blows up, and reality hits. Sometimes for all involved, and sometimes just for one, while the other stays in the fairytale. The relationships between BP and their relinquished children cannot be the same as the relationships between BPs and their raised children. The history will not let it. That’s another sad depressing fact. However, it doesn’t mean the relationships cannot be just as strong, there can’t be just as much love. They are just simply different.

I’ve sat and listened to my Bmom talk about her pregnancies with my Bsis and Bbro, all the while, with me sitting right there, never mentioning her pregnancy with me. In 20 years, she’s only spoke of it once, and only then because my Bsis pushed. Yes, it was painful to listen to her happiness in talking about her pregnancies with my bsibs, and then her sadness when speaking of her pregnancy with me. Again, I want to stress that it was not a personal thing against me. It was a truly, painful thing for her. That pain in her voice is for her to deal with. It is her responsibility. The pain I felt in listening is my responsibility to deal with. My point here is that sometimes there will be pain and sadness over what never was, a history between BPs and their relinquished children. It is inevitable. This is, IMO, where constructive, communication is key. It is, also, IMO, when everyone needs to do some self examination on their expectations of the relationship, a reality check, so to speak. No one in a reunion should have to walk on eggshells. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. Keep in mind this is not a usual relationship. There are numerous dynamics that need to be considered. The article “Reunion Socialization” is a great reference. I read it in the beginning of my reunion with Bdad, and again a few years later. I got much more out of it the second time, because I really saw my reunion with Bdad the second time I read it. Not taking things personally and good communication will go a long way in helping you survive and find success in reunion.

Again, this is just my opinion based on my own experience with reunion. Your milage may vary, as they say. I hope it helps someone.

[cetalley]

SHADOWRIDER, You are dead on, I am sure you will have succeeded inhelping, they will listen, as do I. I think realistic expectations, communication, and being honest(total), in respectful way...is what makes this reunion plight, succeed. I have yet to reunite..and maybe never will, I have so much left to learn and understand...but if I do get that chance, I really truly do not expect to even get to meet them. I hope for pictures, and knowing of their lives,but I will never put ANY expectations upon them...being a friend would be gift FROM god! Blessing to you and thanks for your wisdom...47 and still learnin..C.J.