[Rubi]

Hi every one...I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask advice on this matter? Last night we had friends visiting and after the evening their daughter (8 yr old) asked me infront of my boys (aged 1yr and 5yr) if they see their b/mom often and if they know they have been adopted. My oldest said yes he knows (in a tone that said this is it...no more questions). We had semi-open adoptions, because the b/mom did'nt want contact...We sometimes share photo's and little messages through the social worker....But afterwards this made me think....How did the contact or apsense of contact effect you as adoptees during your childhood years? How/what did you feel and think of being part of a semi-open adoption...just having photo's and basic info of your b/parents? And how did it make you feel being part of an open adoption, visiting and talking to your b/parents....Did having contact at a very early age make you feel confused regarding where you fitted in or where you belong? Did you see/feel different towards the 2 'mothers'? Did you had the feeling that your a/mother is your mom and the b/mom is more like a relative?...Sorry, I'm asking all this questions, because I want what is best for my sons and I want to try and help them as best I can....Last question....What can I do to try and 'protect' them against being hurt from other uninformed children's remarks regarding adoption (For example if a friend might say to him that his a/mom isn't his real mom, ect)

Thanx so much for listening....

[lglysson]

Okay, my gut reactions is, if it were a comfortable subject in your home the questions wouldn't have bothered a 5 year old. Kid's reflect their parents for the most part. I would talk more about it to him so he is more comfortable. I talk to my kids once in a while, not all the time, about stuff they might not bring up, just to let them know it's okay to talk about. I hope this helps a little.
Blessings

[Rubi]

Originally Posted by lglysson

Okay, my gut reactions is, if it were a comfortable subject in your home the questions wouldn't have bothered a 5 year old. Kid's reflect their parents for the most part. I would talk more about it to him so he is more comfortable. I talk to my kids once in a while, not all the time, about stuff they might not bring up, just to let them know it's okay to talk about. I hope this helps a little.
Blessings

Thanx....I didn't totaly got the impression he was bothered by it. We do speek about it once in a while...but there isn't mutch to say at this stage...I was just surprised how 'adult-like' he answered her....this was the first time that another kid directly confronted him with the situation. I do agree...I don't totaly know how to handle direct questions yet....Or let me put it differently...I do know, but I'm always concerned that I might say something in a way that he doesn't understand...Adoption isn't something that is done often in our family and friends circle.....We are the only once that has adopted....It would have been nice to actually have friends that also have adopted.....

[wishfulthinker]

I think that 8 year old girl needs a lesson in manners. Her asking that question was very rude and disrespectful. Just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you or your sons have to answer it.

I really have no idea how an open adoption works. I come from the closed era. However you handle your open adoption, I think that communication with your sons is key. As they are growing up, you should be talking with them and asking them questions. They are each sure to have their own feelings about being adopted and everyone is different. I would also tell them that just because someone asks them questions about their adoption doesn't mean they have to answer. It's their choice whether they want to talk about it with people outside their family or not.

[Lynard1210]

Thanks for posting these important questions. I have just created a webpage dedicated to these types of issues.

First let me say, that expecting other kids to have manners or not say things is unrealistic. Things are said all the time to the adoptee growing up. I was told I was "wierd" in middle school because I told my friends I was adopted. I have been asked the question, "how does it feel to be adopted?" my entire life. I was raised in the closed era but I can tell you this I would have been ECSTATIC to have pictures . . . in fact, if I had pictures and information, I may not have gone on a search and reunion in the first place! I don't think it is "better" or "worse" to have a semi-open versus an open. It depends on the people. It sounds like the birthmom made the choice and now you just have to help your child understand it. Talking openly is key. Have you tried speaking to your child in a way that explains his narrative? If you know the story of his birth then it might be a good idea to put that story into a scrapbook . . . with the name of the hospital, his birthmom, any mementos you might have, pictures, baptismal program, etc. I kept a journal for my daughter with pictures and mementos. She can later read her narrative when she is older. But she knows it verbally right now. She can tell you she came out of B's tummy and that she is adopted, etc. etc. We repeat the story every time the subject of birth or adoption comes up. One of her favorite movies has an adoption theme "The Rescuers" . . . it may not be the best portrayal of adoption but she loves the main character "Penny" who later is adopted.

Open communication with your child is key but some children are not comfortable talking openly about it even if you are doing a good job - i wouldn't say that your child's reaction is a total reflection on what you are doing as a parent. Personality characteristics play a huge role as well. Also, since you don't have alot of adoption support, it would be a good idea to join a group of other adoptive parents or possibly a triad group so you can hear what other people are doing in their homes.

[dpen6]

I also don't beleive the 8 yo was not mannered. Kids ask innocnet questions all the time and I belive the way to answer them is with honesty. The start of that is to have the honest relationship with the child that is adopted., so that when the questions come they cam be answered without feeling like they are wierid. It is not weird for them to be adopted and they have to come to that realization. Now, I understand this child was only 5...again..if iits his reality and everyone is comfortable with it so will he be. It sounded like he was comfortable. Good job!

I was brought up in a closed adoption. Coming from my era the thought of it being open is very strange to me. I am not sure I would have liked it. BUT, I do wish I had the information on my birthfamily, I didn't like it that they were just some vague concept that didn't warrent me knowing about.

Another thing about the 8 yo old asking questions....I really see it as a more of a curosity thing. I also got some comments from kids growing up and I don't think they were ever made with bad intentions. I think it was just a concept that was so forgien for them..."momy giving a child away" that they just had difficulty understanding.and being self absorbed as most kids are they may bring the whole sitituaon around to themselves....i.e. "if I am bad will mommy give me away too."

Maybe talking to your child about these kinds of questions, kind of like role palying and making him aware they might happen could help.

I get ignorant comments about my adoption all the time...as an adult....I have to blow them off and be comfortable in my posotion. I have been made to feel that I need to be felt bad for(I don't need pity), I have been told its "not the same as", I have been told that adopted kids are screwed up...its run the gambit and trying to change their minds is fruitless..because they know better...LOL I am very comfortable in the fact that my aprents loved me as they would have their own.....based upon the awesome parenting that I had(not perfect..no ones perfect..as I tell my own kids ) My mom was a whole lot better then many "real moms" I have come in contact with.

[Rubi]

Originally Posted by dpen6

I am very comfortable in the fact that my aprents loved me as they would have their own.....based upon the awesome parenting that I had(not perfect..no ones perfect..as I tell my own kids ) My mom was a whole lot better then many "real moms" I have come in contact with.

This remark of yours comes as a blessing to me tonight...because for no reason my head is spinning tonight with thoughts...This believe that you grew up with 'that your a/parents loved you as they would have their own' gives me such comfort...because one of my biggest fears is that I might do something (like being to strickt or get to angry with them) that will make them feel unwanted or unloved....I love them so much and if they can say this one day, I will be so blessed!

[Crissy011]

That 8 year old was not being rude or disrespectful. She probably hasn't been taught that adoption is a bad thing or some sort of secret that shouldn't be discussed. Kids that age don't find it "weird" that someone is adopted (especially nowadays). It is simply interesting to them & they don't see why it can't be talked openly about. I think teaching your child not to ask questions like that will only make a child that age feel like there is something "wrong" with being adopted.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Crissy011

That 8 year old was not being rude or disrespectful. She probably hasn't been taught that adoption is a bad thing or some sort of secret that shouldn't be discussed. Kids that age don't find it "weird" that someone is adopted (especially nowadays). It is simply interesting to them & they don't see why it can't be talked openly about. I think teaching your child not to ask questions like that will only make a child that age feel like there is something "wrong" with being adopted.

Actually crissy..kids just might find it weird...its a reality...based upon my own experiances as an adoptee and the resp0nses of my own kids about me being adopted. For kids that are not adopted it is very weird to think that their mother could "give them away"

[EZ2Luv]

I have to agree that the 8 year old was not ill mannered or rude, much to the contrary I think it is good that she was able openly ask insted of coming to some type of negative conclusion about adoption.
As for me I was blessed with the best parents in the world through a closed adoption. I can only speak for myself but I am glad it was closed because I think I would have been in constant turmoil feeling confused as to who I should be loyal to (amom or bmom).
Also, I believe many adoptees do not like to be reminded they are adopted. Many times adoptees are told they are "special' that they have 2 moms but the very fact that they are adopted makes them feel different. I always felt proud of being adopted but I did not wantr for the whole world to know or aknowledge it. T9o me and my brother this was a family thing and we were no different than any other daughter or son.
One time my adad mentioned to someone that we were his adopted daugher and son and that was the last time he ever did as my brother and I let him know we did not appreciate this at all. Adad understood and it never happened again.
I think sometimes aparents are so overjoyed that they are finally parents through adoption that they think the whole world celebrates this. (that a whole different post)
Adoptees do not want to let adoption define them. I am a person that just happens to have been adopted.

EZ

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Rubi

This remark of yours comes as a blessing to me tonight...because for no reason my head is spinning tonight with thoughts...This believe that you grew up with 'that your a/parents loved you as they would have their own' gives me such comfort...because one of my biggest fears is that I might do something (like being to strickt or get to angry with them) that will make them feel unwanted or unloved....I love them so much and if they can say this one day, I will be so blessed!

Good!

It sounds like you are asking the right questions, showing them respect for their postions.

as far as being to strict or getting angry..well..that goes with the terrirtory or parenting they might tell you they are feeling "unloved" (because you won't let them go do self descrustive things) but I can attest to the fact that normal parenting anger and discipline will bring on anger and "poor me" attitudes in them. They just may say.."its because I am adopted", they just may say "my Real mother wouldn't do that!" and you as the mom needs to understand that it really is NOT about adoption but about lashing out at a mother that is doing her job. A long time ago someone mentioned to me that if your child doesn't hate you at some point, your probably not d0ing your job!

I have had my kids tell me that they "wish mimi had adopted me instead of you"...LOL..if they only knew!!!

[Crissy011]

Dpen6 - I guess it is just my experience with the children that my 9 year old goes to school with. My daughter has had at least two friends that are adopted and I explained things to her at a young age. I think in this situation, this is a friend of the family whose parents probably have talked to her a lot about adoption. I'm assuming this because she asked the questions. I'm sure some kids might find it "weird," but not if they are educated. I just think acting like it is taboo to talk about, will make a child believe it is "weird" or "wrong."

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Good!



I have had my kids tell me that they "wish mimi had adopted me instead of you"...LOL..if they only knew!!!

I'll give you an amen on that! My parents are suddenly the most patient grandparents on earth. Noisy kids are normal and candy is to be enjoyed. Who are these people?

My daughter doesn't like questions about her adoption from people because she was adopted from foster care. I think in time she will be better about it all. WHen kids ask about her birth mom, she feels an invasion of her privacy. In short to kids who ask or say things, I tell them it is just the way we built our family. It is much more than that, but, you know.

[mymotherssacrifice]

I agree with others that talking about it some more, maybe even getting them together with other kids who were adopted/open adopted might be helpful. I think part of the hard part for kids is probably feeling different. When all of us can attest that lots of people are adopted, way more than anyone realizes. In my area there is a support group that focuses on teen adoptees, so there might be something similar in your area.

I was raised in the lied/closed generation and didn't find out until I was almost 28. Oddly though at age 12 a neighbor girl who's father grew up with my adad one day while we were playing told me I was adopted. I asked my mom and she said that Jenny was lying, boy I really wish they had told me the truth then. I always suspected but never had proof.

My husband and I plan on adopting someday when our bio twins are a little older. We are already a blended family since I have a step son that has 50/50 visitation. It may end up being totally different, but I would like to do an open adoption and just kind of thought it would be similar to a divorced family where the one spouse is a totally deadbeat parent. The deadbeat parent, is biologically a parent, they can visit from time to time as long as it is not at the detriment of the child, they may call once a year, but the child knows and the responsible parents know they are by no means a "parent" to the child. I just kind of figured a bio mom that is responsible enough to have some contact but not responsible enough to raise the chid would be like a deadbeat parent.

[KatiesEd-dad]

I had an unusual experience with my daughter that caught me off guard. I was playing Barbies with my daughter and we were talking to each other about who the child doll Kelly should go with. Out of the blue my daughter took her Barbie and started hitting my Barbie. My daughter yelled, "YOU TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY MOM!" I asked my daughter if she stopped playing and she said "yes" and she had adoption questions. I thought my goodness she is 3 1/2 years old. So I explained what happened and how she came to us and us to her. I told her that God chose us to be with her and her with us. I told her that she is very special and so is her birth mom. When she grows up there will be times when she has to make hard decisions but for now it's good for her to ask questions and seek answers. Some questions I can't answer but one day, with the birth mom's permission, she can ask her.

Some people snub us and her regarding her being adopted. I commend the 8 year old for asking questions. What is rude is to pass judgement on someone based on something you know about them without asking questions and getting educated on what you don't know. I would tell your kids that when people know they are adopted it is okay to answer any question up to there own level of comfort. Sometimes you just don't feel like answering and that is okay too.