[jenn6363]

I recently have found my birth mother and we are starting this new wonderful relationship. She knows that I am not looking for another mother but really want a relationship with her. My adoptive mom is having a very hard time with our reunion. She feels very betrayed and hurt by me finding my bmom. I can tell my bmom is also struggling because she sees what she has missed in my life and it makes her really sad. She was very young when she gave me up and made the best decision. I love both of my moms and want everyone to be happy. I don't know how I can help them. This is suppose to be a very happy time in my life but my amom is making this very hard for me. Any advice???? Thanks so much.

[Foundoutat50]

I think you need to give your amom some time to adjust. How much time and energy you give your bmom will be a big factor in how your amom deals with this new relationship in your life. Have you taken amom to lunch? if you can't afford that, have you done something thoughtful for her to let her know that she isn't going to be replaced? You've got to talk to her and let her know how you feel about her and what you hope your relationship with your bmom will be.

Speaking from experience as an amom, I've willingly poured everything I could into my DD and it would break my heart to be replaced. Yes, DD's bmom is younger, bears a strong resemblance to DD, shares her interest in music, has the same health issues. I can't help it that I'm older, don't like Metallica, don't resemble DD. Those things didn't seem important when she was a crying infant, when I was throwing birthday parties, sewing costumes, holding hands during scary times, cuddling in bed during bad dreams, guiding, cooking, cleaning. I'm the one who has dealt with skipping school, poor choices that I won't begin to talk about here, debts, hostility, struggles with being adopted, so much more. Bmom missed a lot of really wonderful experiences but she's also missed some dreadful things too. I wasn't the one who didn't take precautions and got pregnant when it wasn't the 'right time', nor did I make the decision to allow DD to be adopted but I've given everything I've got to taking her place. I have always told DD that her bmom loved her so much she made a very selfless and courageous decision. I can't help it that we don't have that bio connection and I wish with all my heart that I could be her bmom.

As an adoptee, I do know that I wish I'd had the opportunity to meet my bmom, not to find a new mom (better, kinder, funnier, more like me in appearance, whatever else) but just as a friend, maybe more like a favorite aunt ... I hope I would have been able to have some sort of relationship with her and I hope that I would have had the wisdom to make it one that would not have hurt or threatened my amom.

[EZ2Luv]

First Welcome to Adoption.com. Here you will find a wealth of knowledge and support from all sides of the triad. Congrats on entering this rollercoaster called Reuinion.
I am an adoptee and would like to tell you that it is NOT your job to make everyone happy. Of course we want to reassure our moms that we love them and just because we have reunited with biomom does not take any love from amom. Just let your amom know that you have enough love in your heart for both and she will always be the Mommy that raised you and you ran to whenever you needed Mommy.

As for your Bmom, you might find that it is a different kind of mother/daughter love because right now you are basically strangers who share DNA. It is not your job to sort bmom's issues out. Don't forget that to bmom you are still a tiny baby. She probably feels there is alot of making up for lost time. It is VERY important to set up some boundries early on with her so that you are not overwehlmed. I am certainly not an expert on reunion and I am sure there are others here that can offer you experienced advice. I am just going by what I have learned along the way in attempting a relationship with biosiblings.
Also, try and remeber that even though you are not responsible for amom's feelings try and put yourself in her shoes for a minute. I honestly believe that if you reassure her that you are not looking to replace her (not that it would ever be possible) just that you want to know you bmom.
When I was forced to search I did worry that my aparents would feel as though they were going to be replaced or that they would feel as though they in some way failed me or fell short and that was why I searched. The truth is I was in need of medical information. Anyhow it is important for you to be happy first. Keeping an open dialogue with amom and letting her know you love her and she is irreplaceable should be sufficient. Beyond that you need to follow your heart and do what is right for you.

EZ

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by Foundoutat50

I think you need to give your amom some time to adjust. How much time and energy you give your bmom will be a big factor in how your amom deals with this new relationship in your life. Have you taken amom to lunch? if you can't afford that, have you done something thoughtful for her to let her know that she isn't going to be replaced? You've got to talk to her and let her know how you feel about her and what you hope your relationship with your bmom will be.

Speaking from experience as an amom, I've willingly poured everything I could into my DD and it would break my heart to be replaced. Yes, DD's bmom is younger, bears a strong resemblance to DD, shares her interest in music, has the same health issues. I can't help it that I'm older, don't like Metallica, don't resemble DD. Those things didn't seem important when she was a crying infant, when I was throwing birthday parties, sewing costumes, holding hands during scary times, cuddling in bed during bad dreams, guiding, cooking, cleaning. I'm the one who has dealt with skipping school, poor choices that I won't begin to talk about here, debts, hostility, struggles with being adopted, so much more. Bmom missed a lot of really wonderful experiences but she's also missed some dreadful things too.

. I have always told DD that her bmom loved her so much she made a very selfless and courageous decision. I can't help it that we don't have that bio connection and I wish with all my heart that I could be her bmom.

As an adoptee, I do know that I wish I'd had the opportunity to meet my bmom, not to find a new mom (better, kinder, funnier, more like me in appearance, whatever else) but just as a friend, maybe more like a favorite aunt ... I hope I would have been able to have some sort of relationship with her and I hope that I would have had the wisdom to make it one that would not have hurt or threatened my amom.

Foundoutat50, You are correct about being the one lucky enough to raise your daughter....however, I am taken aback at at the comment made about YOUR daughters FIRSTMOM! I feel it was very disrespectful, not so much towards Firstmom...but towards your daughter. I hope you come to a better understanding, that we in the triad, did only what , at the time was our solution. There are even some of us FIRSTMOMS, whom were not careless, and further more had NO CHOICE. I pray my twin sons mother is of a different mind about adoption, and if she is not, that if not, she does not pass her insecurities and jealousy on to them. I also think that had it not been for YOUR beautiful daughters' Firstmom not"TAKING PRECAUTIONS AND GOT PREGNANT" you my dear fellow triad member would not have a daughter! Sorry if this sounds rude, it is not supposed to be, it is meant to show how disappointed a person such as the OP , may take your attitude the wrong way...as possibly I may have. The best advice I can give to our Darling OP, please..please...try to understand your mom, she is the person whom has given her all to be able to parent you. We as parents are not perfect...we do have insecurities, and become insecure at times, even though we know better. Hug your mom, sit down and have the one-on-one with her, and never hide how you feel about either one of your MOTHERS, it took both of them to get you to young vibrant, independent person you are today.

[cetalley]

JENN, I wish you much happiness in your reunion...just remember, you are only responsible for your feelings and happiness. As I said in the post above, your Mom will have to sort out her own feelings, this is not your responsibility...as long as you are open, honest, respectful, and loving to her...she will learn that Firstmom is not there to replace...mainly because you have no thoughts of needing a replacement. Go slow, and enjoy! BLESSINGS TO YOU ...and congrats once again!

[Mil]

[quote]I wasn't the one who didn't take precautions and got pregnant when it wasn't the 'right time', nor did I make the decision to allow DD to be adopted but I've given everything I've got to taking her place/QUOTE]

I too hope that we took that statement wrong!

But anyhoo, I think you just need to give both you mom and your bmother time. Reunion brings up a lot of insecurities in everyone. But when people begin to find their place and realize that there's room and enough love for everyone, things tend to smooth out.

I agree with cetalley - sit down with your mom and tell her you're not out to replace her and that nothing can ever change the fact that she was the one to nurture you all these years. Reunion is a scary time for everyone! But it's also wonderful and a time you will never forget. Enjoy!

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by Foundoutat50

but I've given everything I've got to taking her place.

I won't bother to comment on the other offensive statements made in your post, however I want to address this one not only for you but for the OP.

No one can "take my place" as my son's First Mom and No one can "take my son's mom's place" as his Mom. Neither of us can replace what the other did for him, nor would either of us wish to.

Jenn~ I wish you the best in your reunion, it isn't for the faint at heart. I am a first mom currently in reunion with my 18 yr old son. I also communicate with his mom, I do everything in my power to validate her role as his mom, to help make her see that I have my own role in his life. Is it possible for your Mom and your First Mom to communicate? Sometimes we are scared of the unknown....

Bless you and Good luck!

[JPDakota]

OK, so now I'm offended by the offensive remarks made by people offended by the offensive remarks made by.......
Geez, can't people just say how they think and feel and be disagreed with if necessary without all of these "offended" flags? Tiresome.

[RavenSong]

Dear Jenn,

I think it's only natural at this point for your amom to feel a bit insecure. Even when people read up on reunion and think they're prepared for it, we can be surprised at the feelings that surface on all sides of the triad.

It's going to take a while before "things settle down". Changes are always hard; at least they are for me.

There are plenty of ways you can show your mom that she's not going to be replaced in your heart by your birthmom. (That is probably her biggest fear right now.) Do some mother-daughter things together, like shopping, going to movies, going out to dinner. Be sure to call her on a regular basis if you aren't living at home.

Time will take care of a lot of what you're experiencing right now. For the time being, just treat everyone the way you would want to be treated. In my own life, I've found the "Golden Rule" to be most useful. Your mom will eventually see that your birthmom isn't a threat. But it does take time...

There is enough love to go around... It just seems so scary in the beginning. Things will eventually fall into place...

[wishfulthinker]

I'm sure it is very difficult trying to follow your heart while also making sure that neither your mom or your amom is hurting. Obviously there is a lot of love in your triad of women.

At the end of the day remember this: you are very blessed to have two mothers in your life who love you so much. Take it from someone who has burried her mom and has been searching with no success for her bmom.

Things will work out in the end for you. During this tricky transition sort of time, remember to count your blessings.

[zxczxcasdasd]

There are things in adoption that are just hard. And for many aparents whose adult or young adult kids are in the beginning stages of reunion, it's just HARD. It's difficult to quantify and it is not an insult to either your bmom (that she's trying to take your place) or to you (that you would replace her). Please don't take her struggle to mean that she thinks bad things about either you or your birth mother, or that she's a bad amom for not just being happy for you. I would be very surprised, and skeptical, to hear any amom say that the new intense reunion of their child with their birth family has brought them nothing but joy. There are many feelings all mixed in, and some moms just do a better job of focusing on the joy vs. the fear, or handling their feelings on their own without laying that burden on their child.

Motherhood is something that runs very deep and is very instinctual and involves intense feelings that can't be discussed away with logic or a couple hugs (though they always help ). When another woman steps into a mother-daughter relationship with your child- no matter what form, how casual, or how new- it's a HARD thing to adjust to, to trust, even just to witness. Not because it's terrible, but because it's HARD. A lot of transitional stages in a child's life ar very hard emotionally for parents, and adoption reunion is not only not an exception, it is one of the most difficult transitions/adjustments an adoptive parent has to make.

I know both women's feelings are hard for you to witness right now, but it's part of the sometimes difficult experience of being connected to the same child by adoption. Just like it's totally normal for you to feel intensely happy and yet confused about the new relationship with your birth mother, and normal to feel frustrated that your amom doesn't seem to be registering the same joy as you in this and seems to be oppositely impacted.

I love Raven's advice. Do your best to empathize with trying to cure. Be patient with their feelings as you want them to be with yours. And it will take time.

Over time, your amom will see that she is not being replaced. Over time, your birth mother will find joy in the present and future without being paralyzed in the past. Over time, you will have clarity about what it means to have both women in your life.

[belleinblue1978]

Give your mom some time. I remember when I searched my mom was super supportive. Then my first mom didn't want anything to do with me and the angry momma bear came out. Mom was intensly hurt because for 26 years she had promised me that my first mom would want to know me and then I didn't even get a letter back from my first mom.

It isn't fair that we get caught in the middle of all of the emotions when we have so many of our own and when we were the only ones that didn't make any choices. Hang in there and remember to keep doing things with your mom just like you have before.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Foundoutat50

Speaking from experience as an amom, I've willingly poured everything I could into my DD and it would break my heart to be replaced. Yes, DD's bmom is younger, bears a strong resemblance to DD, shares her interest in music, has the same health issues. I can't help it that I'm older, don't like Metallica, don't resemble DD. Those things didn't seem important when she was a crying infant, when I was throwing birthday parties, sewing costumes, holding hands during scary times, cuddling in bed during bad dreams, guiding, cooking, cleaning. I'm the one who has dealt with skipping school, poor choices that I won't begin to talk about here, debts, hostility, struggles with being adopted, so much more. Bmom missed a lot of really wonderful experiences but she's also missed some dreadful things too. I wasn't the one who didn't take precautions and got pregnant when it wasn't the 'right time', nor did I make the decision to allow DD to be adopted but I've given everything I've got to taking her place. I have always told DD that her bmom loved her so much she made a very selfless and courageous decision. I can't help it that we don't have that bio connection and I wish with all my heart that I could be her bmom.

.

I'd give my right arm, eye, and leg to be able to do those things for my son. I think all of us know that parenting isn't just about the good stuff and in order to have our children with us we would take the good with the bad rather than feel the pain that we do.

I did take precautions that failed. I had the foresight and love for my son to know at that time I couldn't be the mom he deserved. I also knew that my boyfriend at the time was not even close to ready for parenthood. You can tell me all you want that we shouldn't have been having sex then, but lots of people, even married ones, aren't ready for parenthood, so that is a moot point. We both loved our son enough though to make a choice that changed us forever. We loved him enough to put him in front of our needs, especially myself, because there was nothing that I wanted more than to be his mother. It is easy to stand in judgement of others when we are hurting for whatever reason, but it doesn't help a single soul.

None of us replace the other. I don't replace the daughter that my mother couldn't have, my mom doesn't replace my first mom, my son's mom doesn't replace me and I don't replace her. In a good situation we all compliment each other.

My mom always says that families are added to and subtracted from every day and that how they are added to makes no difference just that it is about loving each other like family. So those of us that are adopted have lots of family, no big deal, if you can embrace that rather than trying to replace, you'll have a much healthier experience for yourself and your daughter.

[Janeytwo]

Jenn6363 It must be so hard for you trying to balance all this. For me, it's so good having the people in here to help me work through it. Don't know what I'd do without everyone!

Kudos to you for being kind and trying to sort it out!

Foundoutat50

I wasn't the one who didn't take precautions and got pregnant when it wasn't the 'right time',

Not a judgement of you in any way. This just got me to thinking.... Forgive the rant everybody.. I willingly pay the terrible price no doubt to come! LOL!

IMO - As women, we have got to stop hanging each other with the "responsibility" yoke - or at the very least - if we've going to slip that noose around our feminine necks, we need to hang men with it as well.

Why are men always conspicously absent in these kinds of statements? What? Because they can't get pregnant, they're somehow immune to answering for themselves? Men are just as responsible for procreation as women are. Forgive me everyone but it's not like a man's "personal equipment" flies off his body while he's sleeping and impregnates women! Good grief! Yet we women continue to bludgeon each other with this crapolio.

I suppose one could say that women are responsible because we have the pill at our disposable. That's a back-handed kind of tyranny if you really think about it! There are condoms in every streetcorner drugstore. A guy should be able to have the wherewithall to say "I ain't sleepin with ya babe, unless I wear one". Sigh...just something that irks me!!


JPDakota

Geez, can't people just say how they think and feel and be disagreed with if necessary without all of these "offended" flags? Tiresome.

Smiling here. I have seen several posts from you regarding the term "gratitude" and how it offends you. Understandable from your point of view; from your point on the Triangle.

And things that offend others are understandable from thier point on it. Each of us in our situations has our triggers; things that cause our emotions to run high.

But then this is tough stuff. On all edges.

It's only in speaking up and saying "hey, this hurts me/us" that we come to perhaps appreciate someone else's take on things.

Of course there are people out there in the big bad Gulag called Earth who don't give a rat's patoot about anyone else. Shrug. That's their cross to bear.

Have a better one everybody!

[JustPeachy]

I am not yet in reunion, but my son's parents have always been supportive of our communicating through semi-open. If/when we reunite, I'm sure some issues will get stirred up for all, however, I am confident that my son's parents will not consider me a threat, and I am very happy about that, not so much for my sake, but for my son's.

I don't know what to tell you, OP, in regards to your mom. I think it is important to reassure her that you are not trying to replace her. Maybe temper your excitement about meeting your bmom a bit (without lying or feeling you have to hide it, of course). But ulitmately, this is your reunion, and you are a grown woman and have a right to have relationships with whomever you please without feeling stuck in the middle of trying to make either your amom or bmom happy. I know it is hard, but try not to allow yourself to be put in the middle as the one who needs to "fix" the issues that either your bmom or amom are having. Yes, your bmom is sad for what she missed, but nothing will bring that back. I'm worried that I will go through the same when I meet my son and I don't want to put all that emotion onto him or have him feel like he has to be responsible for it or was the CAUSE of it (he was not the cause of my pain and neither are YOU the cause of your bmom's pain). By the same token, you reuniting with your bmom is not the cause of your amom's pain. These are long standing issues your amom hasn't dealt with that she is faced with now that everything has come into the light of day.

Society is funny in the way that it structures motherhood. We can have more than one grandmother, more than one sibling, more than one auntie and all that love is GOOD. But heaven forbid you have a situation such as in adoption where there is more than one mother and all of a sudden it's not so good. I think there is room for both bmoms and amoms to come together and be acknowledged for their important roles in their child's life. The whole notion of "owning" a child (especially a fully-grown adult child!) is a very strange thing to me. The fact is, even if you don't know your bmom as "mother" she was your mother for 9 months and up until she signed TPR. And she never stopped feeling like your mother (note: NOT your PARENT, but still a mother in her own right, who carried you and gave birth to you, and continues to love and feel a bond with you). You can sign away your legal rights to parent a child, but you cannot sign away, nor can anyone take away, what you feel in your heart and soul as a mother. At least that's how it has been for me. At the same time, I would never want to dismiss or disregard all the real, hard work of mothering and parenting that my son's mom did, not to mention the love she has for him. They have a bond and closeness that I cannot replicate or take over even if I wanted to (which I don't!).

One thing you might take note of, and express to your mom, is that studies have shown that despite the fears of aparents, reunion tends to bring an adoptee CLOSER to his or her aparents. I know there are exceptions to this, but by and large, this is the case. So in the long run, it will probably be to her benefit that you are in this reunion.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on reconnecting with your birthmother.