[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

I won't bother to comment on the other offensive statements made in your post, however I want to address this one not only for you but for the OP.

Wow, I'm blown away by the responses! I did not say anything with an intention to offend. Jenn6363 asked for input from amoms and bmoms.

I told Jenn6363 wished with all my heart that I could have shared my DD's DNA. I did not try to replace bmom, I merely stood in her place - ie - I cared for and did the mothering that circumstances prevented bmom from doing. I wasn't saying "forget everything and everyone else and just adore me", I was saying that I took over the caregiving, loving, mothering role.

By saying "I wasn't the one who got pregnant or decided on adoption" I was indicating that those things have caused DD pain but were not within my control so I can't fix, change, or do anything about that but I did and still do try to make sure I don't add to the pain in the way some posters on this site have indicated that their afamilies did.

I suggested that Jenn6363 give amom some time to adjust and some input regarding her place in Jenn's life. If we shift it slightly and do a "what if"...

What if I'd raised DD as an only child and at this point in her life, my bDD connected with me? My aDD might have feelings of insecurity, that her mom (whom she never had to share with other sibs) was bringing another daughter into the family. What if bDD had similar interests, talents, health issues, physical features to me and aDD has none of those? Would everyone beat aDD for voicing some insecurity ... or ... would they suggest that the one with a desire to bring a a biological relative into the family (yes, she'd always been there but now it would be in a more visible way) take it slow and easy with (but not walk away from) bDD and make sure I do and say things to assure aDD that reassure her about her place in my life and heart?

[jenn6363]

Thank you to all of you for your advice. I have read many forums over the years and it's so nice to have a place to go where people truly understand what you are going through. I'm such a "fixer" of relationships that I want to smooth everyone's feeling out and move forward. I'm realizing that is not my place. Time is going to be the healer here. I am looking forward to the upcoming meeting of my bmom and amom. I think there will be a lot of healing for both of them that day.

I do see them both as my moms but in total different aspects. My bmom for giving me life, carrying me for 9 months, and wanting what was best for me by placing me for adoption. We also have a biological connection that is so awesome since I have never had it before. It was so great to look at someone and see me. I have children but it was completely different meeting my bmom and half siblings and looking like them.

I love my amom for being my mom, taking care of me through thick and thin and putting up with me when I was a teenager. I know there is enough room in my heart for both of them. Thanks again for all your word of wisdom! I sure do need them these days!

[Janeytwo]

JutPeachy

We can have more than one grandmother, more than one sibling, more than one auntie and all that love is GOOD. But heaven forbid you have a situation such as in adoption where there is more than one mother and all of a sudden it's not so good. I think there is room for both bmoms and amoms to come together and be acknowledged for their important roles in their child's life. The whole notion of "owning" a child (especially a fully-grown adult child!) is a very strange thing to me.

WOW!! Of all the wise and wonderful posts I have read from you in my short time here, this is by far and away the most awe-inspiring!!

I know! I know! I've said it before...I'll say it again......You're an amazing person.

Thanks for posting this!!

Foundoutat50 Hugs to ya!! That rant of mine wasn't directed at you. I just get irked sometimes at the way women get stuck with this gobble-dee gook! Peachy's right....mom's from all walks have it the hardest!!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I.

I don't know what to tell you, OP, in regards to your mom. I think it is important to reassure her that you are not trying to replace her. Maybe temper your excitement about meeting your bmom a bit (without lying or feeling you have to hide it, of course). But ulitmately, this is your reunion, and you are a grown woman and have a right to have relationships with whomever you please without feeling stuck in the middle of trying to make either your amom or bmom happy. I know it is hard, but try not to allow yourself to be put in the middle as the one who needs to "fix" the issues that either your bmom or amom are having. Yes, your bmom is sad for what she missed, but nothing will bring that back. I'm worried that I will go through the same when I meet my son and I don't want to put all that emotion onto him or have him feel like he has to be responsible for it or was the CAUSE of it (he was not the cause of my pain and neither are YOU the cause of your bmom's pain). By the same token, you reuniting with your bmom is not the cause of your amom's pain. These are long standing issues your amom hasn't dealt with that she is faced with now that everything has come into the light of day.]

Just peachy,

Perfect advice! Thank you! As I was reading some of the other posts the old feeling of resentment, kind of an underlying feeling, that as usual the adoptee needs to give and give and give with understanding, patience, love, but your ost made it clear to me that it is not still a given that the adoptee needs to be something they are not to keep moms happy. It takes away the scary position that the adoptee is responsible for the health and happineness of the mothers.

With saying that, I absoletly beleive that everyone desrves to be treated with respect and compassion. I personally would not have ever wanted to hurt my amom , she dereseved for me to be understanding but she did not make me feel that i was doing anything wrong either. She also respected my position. Now my dad, being who he is was wonderful in terms of my bmom. actually hepled me fininacially to go to her services. But when I mention finding my birthfather the whole thing changes....hmmmm. what I have done with that is to not fight with him over it, he is who he is(stubborn, a bit know-it-ally) and love him anyway! But I will do what I have to do when the time comes. I will NOT shove it in his face or expect understanding...not because he is bad, just because he can't give it to me. His feelings are way to ingrained and they belong to him not me.




Society is funny in the way that it structures motherhood. We can have more than one grandmother, more than one sibling, more than one auntie and all that love is GOOD. But heaven forbid you have a situation such as in adoption where there is more than one mother and all of a sudden it's not so good. I think there is room for both bmoms and amoms to come together and be acknowledged for their important roles in their child's life. The whole notion of "owning" a child (especially a fully-grown adult child!) is a very strange thing to me. The fact is, even if you don't know your bmom as "mother" she was your mother for 9 months and up until she signed TPR. And she never stopped feeling like your mother (note: NOT your PARENT, but still a mother in her own right, who carried you and gave birth to you, and continues to love and feel a bond with you). You can sign away your legal rights to parent a child, but you cannot sign away, nor can anyone take away, what you feel in your heart and soul as a mother. At least that's how it has been for me. At the same time, I would never want to dismiss or disregard all the real, hard work of mothering and parenting that my son's mom did, not to mention the love she has for him. They have a bond and closeness that I cannot replicate or take over even if I wanted to (which I don't!).

One thing you might take note of, and express to your mom, is that studies have shown that despite the fears of aparents, reunion tends to bring an adoptee CLOSER to his or her aparents. I know there are exceptions to this, but by and large, this is the case. So in the long run, it will probably be to her benefit that you are in this reunion.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on reconnecting with your birthmother.

Good post!

[loveajax]

jen, you've gotten great advice. i am glad your moms are meeting. when my dh's sis reunited with her birth mom; this happened and my mil said it was so wonderful (sil's birth mom sadly died of a brain tumor soon thereafter). my dh recently has had email contact with his birth mom and i hope someday he can meet her and she can meet his mom and dad too. i think meeting a person can really help !! best of luck to you and keep us posted!

justpeachy, that was a really beautiful post!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Society is funny in the way that it structures motherhood. We can have more than one grandmother, more than one sibling, more than one auntie and all that love is GOOD. But heaven forbid you have a situation such as in adoption where there is more than one mother and all of a sudden it's not so good. I think there is room for both bmoms and amoms to come together and be acknowledged for their important roles in their child's life.

I agree with the sentiment, but I have to admit it does bother me a bit when this is brought up when we are discussing people's feelings. I can't imagine this being said to a birth mother to explain to her why there should be no pain or fear associated with being one of two moms in different ways for her child. There usually is pain and fear associated with that reality along with the joy, so why can't that be true for adoptive parents? Is it just GOOD that there is more love for the child when another woman is raising your child? There seems to be this expectation that as long as adoptive parents just "get it", then everyone should just be happy. There can be joy, pain and fear all together and the idea that there is room for all of us does not mean that no one should, or does, hurt in the midst of that reality.

And the fear is a real one and a valid one. No study or assurances can actually predict how your child, your life, your family structure, might change because of this new connection, even when it is a good and joyous thing for your child. Just like when your child moves out for the first time, or gets married, there is pain and fear associated with the joy of those milestones, because it's a huge change and a difficult transition and its not until time has passed and you are living in and adjusted to the new reality that you can truly gain the perspective that assurance grants.

I am actually closer to my son after his reunion, which is awesome, and there is room for all of us, but I don't think that means I shouldn't have hurt or that my fears were not valid.

By the same token, you reuniting with your bmom is not the cause of your amom's pain. These are long standing issues your amom hasn't dealt with that she is faced with now that everything has come into the light of day.

This is spot on. For me, what I was really struggling with was the fact that I wasn't J's biological mom, never was, and never could be. Of course, I always knew that, but I had never really faced it emotionally. In my stepparent adoption, I had to hit the ground running as the mom of 9-yr old boy who needed me to be just insta-mommy from almost the moment I entered his life. There were no "adoption classes" or counseling or outside support. I had not, until faced with the woman entering his life who had the one thing and the one connection I could never have, grieved the lack of that certain kind of connection, the genetic/biological one, that I so deeply wanted and could never have. It hurt me deeper and more intensely than anything has ever hurt me.

I would venture to guess this is the same thing that many adoptive moms struggle with during reunion.

[belleinblue1978]

[quote=zxczxcasdasd]I agree with the sentiment, but I have to admit it does bother me a bit when this is brought up when we are discussing people's feelings. I can't imagine this being said to a birth mother to explain to her why there should be no pain or fear associated with being one of two moms in different ways for her child. There usually is pain and fear associated with that reality along with the joy, so why can't that be true for adoptive parents? QUOTE]


It is, I heard it from my agency. You'll still love him, he'll know you're special, you're just different to him. He can't have too much love, blah blah blah. It's all true, but definitely not something you want to hear when you've just placed a child for adoption.

I actually think that first moms and adoptive moms probably share alot of the same fears if we would just slow down and think and talk about things. I know from what my mom has told me that I fear some of the same things she did, just from a different perspective. Funny how that works huh?

[LasVegasMom]

I was utterly taken aback, foundoutat50, by your entire post. Yes, I did not take precautions, but how dare you judge me? Are you so perfect that you have never made a bad choice? Well I made a bad choice, I had unprotected sex, got pregnant. But from then on, my entire life, my entire existense, was to support my unborn son and what I could do that was best for HIM. You, as an adoptive mother, cannot replace me, I am his first mother, he has my genes, whether it is similar musical tastes or the same hands, or the same hair or whatever. However, you are correct, you raised your daughter, just like my son's adoptive mother raised him. She was there for all those times, good and bad, that I was not. I made the decision to relinquish him and upon relinquishment, prayed that his amom would do the job I was unable to do. This does not make me a bad person, and this does not mean she REPLACED ME. Now that he knows me, he also knows that his adoptive mother and I are 2 different people with the same goal, to love him, to support him in any way, and to compliment each other.

That being said, back to the original post here-Jenn, all I can say is that reunion is a definite roller coaster. Your job is not to make everyone happy. Your amom and your birthmom are both adults and they need to remember that you are the kid, regardless of your age. What I can say from my experience is that my son's amom was all for reunion until he decided to move 3000 miles away to be with me and his birthfamily. Now, he has moved back, living with his aparents, and apparently she has been telling him to forget about me. I do believe that if maybe we all handled the reunion differently there would not be this tug of war for him now. So be open with your amom and your birthmom, but be yourself, and let everyone know how you feel. Good luck, and yes, these forums are great so keep on reading and posting.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I actually think that first moms and adoptive moms probably share alot of the same fears if we would just slow down and think and talk about things. I know from what my mom has told me that I fear some of the same things she did, just from a different perspective. Funny how that works huh?

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one, Belle. When I first reunited with my son after he turned 18, his mom and I got to know each other fairly well. We saw each other on a regular basis, and I learned early on that we shared many of the same fears and insecurities. I think the secret to the two of us building a successful relationship was that we both treated each other the way we wanted to be treated ourselves.

It seemed difficult for my son's mom to open up about her own feelings to me, and I never pressed the issue. I think she knew in her heart that I was never a threat, but it took time for her to get to know me and time for her to see that I wasn't going to rock her world upside down.

As Heidi said, adoption is hard on many levels. The forging of new relationships and figuring out where we all fit in the puzzle of life just takes time...and patience...and trust. There are no "right" or "wrong" emotions in this thing we call reunion.

When my nephew was born, my then-4-year-old niece panicked. She was afraid there wasn't enough love to go around...that her mommy and daddy wouldn't love her anymore. I took my little niece down to the ocean one afternoon, and we spent hours building sandcastles. When we went into the shallow water to fill our buckets for the castle's moat, I filled my bucket and looked at my niece. I asked her if the ocean still had enough water left for everybody else to enjoy and play in, even though we had filled our buckets up several times. She looked up at me and said, "Of course it does, Aunt Raven. You can't even tell that it's missing any water." And somehow I was able to show her that day that love is a lot like the ocean. You can give your love to as many people as you want, and your "reserves" are still filled to the max.

I think the answer here is time...time and respect and patience. There's enough love to go around many times over.

[TxMom65]

My daughter is only 10 and we are in a closed adoption with her bmom, so I don't really have experience in this yet. I only hope that when the time comes I can support her gracefully and lovingly. If I feel afraid that I will be forgotten and replaced, then I will probably come here or to a similar place and let it all out.
What are you to do? You can't assume responsibility for their feelings. All you can is assure them of your love.

[jenn6363]

Today my amom and I had a long talk about my reunion with my bmom. I was really surprised once I realized that my amom has been in denial about my bmom my whole life. My bmom was always a part of my life, even before I met her. My amom said she is now grieving over not being my only mom. In my eyes, I have always had two mothers. I never realized that so much emotion went into this whole process. I have always been told that I was adopted but we never sat down and discussed it much. I think we as a society are much more open and aware of these things. Much different from the 70's where no counseling was given, or very little. I hope my amom can come to terms with my bmom being in my life. They can never replace one another and I wouldn't be who I am without both of them.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by jenn6363

I hope my amom can come to terms with my bmom being in my life.

She will jenn...She will...

This all takes time. I don't think a person can ever be truly prepared for the emotions that will come about with reunion...

We have two little guys. One is 7 and one is 5. We have OA's, so I've had 7 years to work through my emotions, and I'm still working. 7 years later. Still working... And as the years pass and the boys have a relationship with their firstmoms independent of me (kind of where you are now) I will keep working...and breathing...and working...

Just keep coming here and posting...Maybe even suggest your mom visit a forum such as this (although you may not want her to come here in particular - you may want your own "venting" place, ya know?)

Keep the faith...You all will make it through!

ETA: I just wanted to add that I am at a place where I can fully understand and be at peace with knowing my boys have another mother...It took me many years but I finally became secure enough in my own role as a mother that I could realize that one of us does not displace the other, ya know? And that's what your mom is probably working through...And like I said - even though I finally reached that place, things do pop up once in a while where I say "ok - back to work..." lol

[BethVA62]

Just like our first moms, our amoms are irreplaceable too.

Some things I've found to do to help my amom feel more secure:

Remind her of the things only you and she share: memories of places, people and events, collectibles, common friends, knowledge and interests that you have grown together... only those things that you can share with your amom and no one else.

Remind her or show her the things in/about you that you "got" from her. (my adad calls it Environmental Heredity, and yes Virginia, it's real)

There is a lot of stuff that our amoms know about us and that we know about them that no one else knows... make a list Can't think of much at first? Think of what would be lost in you if she were not there anymore. What part of you and your life would be missing if she were missing to share it with you or tell anyone about it or confirm it?

Write her a letter, especially if you can't talk without getting lost, you don't have to write it all in one letter, a series of notes is even better.

Remind her of the things that make you think of her, times that you will always remember.

Buy her thoughtful gifts that remind you of her or would remind her of you.

Remind her of the lessons she's taught you, especially ones that she may not know about.

Give her the latest book on adoption/adoption reunion you have just read, or copy some interesting posts, see if she will talk about anything with you Include her. Discuss what is similar and different compared to your situations. I've made notes and underlined parts in books I wanted to make sure my mom read (especially parts i had a hard time explaining or talking about.) This is a great way to open up an easier conversation.

Let her know that you want her to be included in this journey you are taking, that you need her, you need her to talk to, you need her to understand what you are going through. And you want to understand what she is going through, and that she is a part of this. Because lovingly sharing this remarkable reunion with each other will only make you grow closer. Let her know that you want a closer relationship with her not a more distant one. Just come out and say it.

You may even want to let her know that your first mom could never replace her (just as she could never replace first mom) let her know that you and your first mom could never have the same type of mom/daughter relationship that you share, it's impossible, even if that is what you want, it's impossible, it's too late for that, you can't have that with your first mom. One of the hardest things for me to realize and accept.

Spend time together
Call her a little more frequently than usual
Always answer the phone when she calls, even if you don't feel like it.
Let her know you are concerned about her feelings.
You may have to let her know when she does things to upset you. Try to explain it with out hurt feelings.

I know it's hard "it" up or talking about it, but with practice/experience it gets easier.
My mom and i have talked about it all so much we have become a little bored with the subject It's just like talking about anything else. Never imagined that in a million years. I also never imagined that my mom and I could grow as close as we have.

I tend to think of my relationships with both of my moms more of friend relationships than anything now. Maybe it is because I am 47. Just a bunch of old ladies are we. But the juggling of my mom relationships is very similar to juggling my "best" friends relationships. Sometimes it's easy for everyone to be happy and secure in the relationship, not feeling left out or replaced, and some times it takes a little more effort to make everyone feel comfortable.

If you try these things and more, and amom is still being difficult, you've done what you could. It's up to her to find security in her relationship with you. Don't let it effect your relationship with your other mother. It's two different relationships, and as an adult - one relationship does not depend on the other.

My amom was difficult at first. I got angry,with good reason, during one visit and yelled "I've never asked you to eliminate or ignore your entire family to be part of mine, why would you ask me to do that?" For some reason that struck a cord in my aparents. Things got a lot easier once they saw I wasn't backing down for them, that they needed to deal with their own stuff, I couldn't fix it for them and it wasn't magically going away.

It's tuff being stuck in the middle (another tuff part about reunion) so don't be, count and share your blessings with those that are willing

[BethVA62]

"""They can never replace one another and I wouldn't be who I am without both of them."""


(((Jenn)))))
I'm glad you've found a good soulful peaceful honest place to be stay there !

Now convince amom of that (and first mom too) and all will be well!

good luck
Beth

[BethVA62]

"But when I mention finding my birthfather the whole thing changes....hmmmm. what I have done with that is to not fight with him over it, he is who he is(stubborn, a bit know-it-ally) and love him anyway! But I will do what I have to do when the time comes. I will NOT shove it in his face or expect understanding...not because he is bad, just because he can't give it to me. His feelings are way to ingrained and they belong to him not me."


that's my dad too.
First mom not such a problem, first dad ouch
I just happened to find my first dad first, adad said "this is hardly fair, hurry up and find your mom"

But if you think about it, in my case anyway, and many others, we didn't need mothers, we needed fathers, replacement fathers.

My adad blames it all on my father for not standing up and being a responsible man, it's all his fault.
He did it to me and my mom, not my mom.
My mom was 19, old enough, her family had money, our only problem was she didn't have a husband in 1962.

My adad, big daddy, the king of the clan dad, the rescuing dad, the financially stable dad, the stand up dad, the alpha dad, the dad that didn't have to do it but wanted to and did- in his mind there is no way any other dad is going to step in our picture, he's not welcome on this turf and never will be.

Adad has always spoke kindly of my mother, I believe even has some unconditional love for her, but has never had a kind word about my father.
He had his chance and didn't take it, real men don't do that, too late now, anger and disappointing looks is all he gets, that's my adad's thinking on that end of my reunion.
In adad's world, he has completely replaced and eliminated forever my first father, he is not needed in my life in any way, he doesn't deserve to know me.
Thinking that will never change.
I have no real choice but to understand and accept it.
I can understand and forgive, adad can't even consider it.
So I just do what I am going to do and we put it on the list of things we don't talk about.