[Rubygirl]

Hello everyone! I am new and this is my first post. I have been reading others posts and I am hoping that you all can give me advice/ answers too.

Here's my story. I was adopted as an infant. I searched and found bmom when I was 22. I didn't have high expectations because I didn't want to be hurt, but I ended up getting more than I hoped for. My reunion with bmom went great. Things were so great that she came to my wedding shower, her and her whole family came to my wedding, she came to my baby shower, and to my firstborn's baptism. And then...nothing. After 5 years of communication, it stopped and I had no answers. It hurt SO MUCH to first have a relationship with her and then nothing. I sent e-mails and no response, so I stopped trying. I continued to get birthday cards from others in her family and Xmas cards from others in her family, but none from her. Initially, I was sending Xmas cards to her, but then I stopped. I figured why would I keep trying if she wasn't.

Fast forward to 6 years later. I have communication with my bsister now and things are going GREAT with bsister and I. We would talk about bmom and what happened and I tell her that I have no idea. Bsis tells me bmom wants a realtionship with me again but I don't get any phone calls or e-mails from bmom in the 7 months that bsis and I have connected again.

This Nov, bsis arranges lunch with bmom, bsis, and I. I am reluctant to go, but I decide to give bmom a second chance and hear what she's got to say. Bmom tells me that the reason she pulled away was because she wasn't sure how she fit in to my kids lives. Was she Grandma or just a friend? OK?? I guess but I'm not sure why she just didn't come to me back then. I give her the benefit of the doubt even though I don't believe that's the entire truth.

Bmom and I meet another time a month later just her & I to talk about things. Bmom says she is at a point in her life where she is really wants me in her life. She even sends me an e-mail the day after 2nd meeting to tell me how happy she is that we are communicating again and then nothing. I e-mailed her right back the next day and that was 3 1/2 weeks ago.

Christmas came and went without any word from her. OF COURSE I sent her a Xmas card (with a pic of my kids on it). But nothing from her. No e-mail back from 3 1/2 weeks ago, No Xmas card, No text on Christmas, No phone call, nothing!!

I just can't understand bmom who says she wants me in her life and wants a relationship with me, but her actions tell me otherwise.

I'm not a bmom, obviously, so I can't fully understand how painful this must be for her but it's VERY painful for me too. She keeps hurting me and I'm sick of it. I'm ready just to end the relationship yet again so I don't have to continue to be hurt and wonder what I did wrong. I did send another e-mail tonight telling her some of these things so I'll be curious to see what response if any I get now.

Any advice from other adoptees who have had relationship struggles with their bmoms or any advice from bmoms as to why she is doing this (saying one thing but doing another)?

Thanks for letting me vent so much on my first post!

[carolynppk]

Rubygirl,

I am so sorry for your hurt. I, too, thought I had a good relationship with my bmom, but things changed. Long story, and it is neither here nor there. Funny, I don't see how you can look at something and see two completely different points of views. Reunion is complicated, emotional and hard. While there is a connection, we were raised differently, it is like love languages, you can be doing everything to show someone you care, but if that is not their love language, they don't feel it. Again, it is complicated at best.

I think you need to really evaluate what you want from the relationship and what she is able to give. Something that causes you such hurt and pain in not healthy. Some realtionships are just that toxic, and you have to know when to walk away. I know it is hard, especially when you give so much of yourself, but is it worth having the relationship only to be hurt? Only you can answer these questions and do what is right for you. I wish you luck in whatever path you choose.

Carolyn

[Janeytwo]

Dear Rubygirl,

Hi. I'm Janey. I'm a birthmother (not in reunion). I'm so sorry your birthmother is doing this to you. IMO - it is wrong, wrong, wrong.

And you know what? You are now the 4th adoptee....no wait....I think you're the 5th adoptee that I've sent the above sentiments to in the last 3 months.
And I'm so sick of having to do so. Just sick to my stomach!!!

That's not directed at you in any way, please understand that. Not at all. You I just feel terrible for.

And it sounds to me like you have given your birthmother so many opportunities to keep the door open and all you get in return is silence. That's very upsetting, IMO.

Here is what will probably happen now. Other bmoms in here may reply to you. Very good women whom I've come to care for dearly like Jackie, Kathy K, JustPeachy, Raven, Quantum, Stinky_Kitty and others who's names escape me right now because I'm mad and my thoughts aren't coming together correctly.

Anyway, they are far more compassionate towards birthmothers than I am in this situation and will have better advice no doubt. I will probably take heat for what I say next. Oh well...that's a hole in the ground.

Here's what I ask myself as I read your post....Who does this to their daughter? Who places herself so firmly in her daughter's life that she attends weddings and showers and what-not and then she runs? Talk about ripping a child's heart from her chest!! Who does that?!!

More importantly; Who does it twice?

This excuse (it's not a reason in my book) that she cut ties:

because she wasn't sure how she fit in to my kids lives.

Woah! This ticked me off.

First of all, she is in reunion with you. That's primary. It's about where she fits into your life. That of course is only my opinion. Others may differ as is their right. But I have this way of looking at things with my daughters whom I raised. I have to love them first before anyone else. They are my main concern. Not that I don't love my grandson. I love him to death!! But he has a mom to love him to death. It's not my job to interfere in that. My job is to be there for my daughters. That's my job.

And that brings me to point number two:

Any grandparent knows (or darn well should know) where they fit in their grandchildren's lives.

We fit on the outside of it - standing back being grandparents; spoiling our grandkids and then going home where we belong. We are not there to meddle, to tell our children how to raise their children, to make emotional demands or to try to wend ourselves in in any way to the family dynamic between our kids and their kids. I'm not saying that she thinks that. There's no way to know what she thinks.

But the answer to the question where does she fit in your children's lives? Welp...she fits whereever you deem she should fit. And that goes for her,for me and for every other grandparent on the planet.

I understand your birthmothers heartache; understand it all too well. However, like me, she made her decision. It's a hard decision to live with. That is true. But you should not have to pay the price for it in feeling abandoned now. That is not right. It just isn't.

Again, my opinions only. This is something I feel very strongly about. I guess that's obvious.

I pray that your birthmom can come to grips with her loss and find a way to be in your life on your terms. Running from her daughter and her grandchildren as well is going to cost her more emotionally in the long wrong than the decision to stick it out and be there in the way that you can handle.

Take care of yourself today, Rubygirl

[shadow riderer]

Just wanted to add my sympathy. I know where you are coming from. I get this kind of behavior from both my bio parents. I wish I had answers for you, but I haven't figured it out myself. I've stopped putting any effort into my relationships with my bmom or Bdad. I could only assume from their actions that they really wouldn't care anyway. I assumed that they would just let it go and go away. The funny thing is they have just started acting crazier. I've had little contact with either of them for the past year. I don't know why but they aren't just going away, and things aren't getting better.

At Bbro's wedding back in July, Bmom completely ignored me. She acted like I was just some long lost I don't know what. It shocked my entire bio family. I'm close to most all of them. At Thanksgiving, she was all hugs and kisses. (It was all I could do to keep from strangling her, but I didn't want to ruin the holiday for everyone else. I said nothing and only stayed for a short time. A couple of weeks later she calls my husband, whom, in the 9 years we've been married, she's never given the time of day or said more than a hello, to make sure we were invited to Christmas at my Grandmother's, adding "but I know you guys are probably too busy to come.". Hmmm. why didn't she call me? Hubby and I are still trying to figure out who gave her his cell number. I don't get it. Of course, Christmas has come and gone, and no phone call, gift, or anything else, which isn't out of character for her. She rarely acknowledged me during the holidays before, except for last year, when she sent the most beautiful "You'll always be my daughter" card, which was a shock to say the least. When my birthday came aroune, not a peep out of her. Go figure.

Then there is Bdad. I can't even put this one into words. Suffice to say after a year of crazy disfunction, long periods of no contact (he doesn't want me to call him), just to out of the blue get some drama filled, I don't know what to call it, phone call wanting me to tell him what he had done wrong. (huh? Wasn't he the one that wasn't calling? I mean, after all, he didn't want me to contact him, and he never acknowledged or responded to my emails. I'm a little confused. I kinda thought i must have been the one who had done something wrong.) then I hear nothing for months, he pops back up the week before Christmas like nothing has happened. Everythings normal. When I question what was up with the past year he says, "I guess I just didn't want to deal with it." and "I wanted to call but was afraid." Two days later, he sends my Amom a Christmas arrange ment signed Love Dad and wife. His wife has accused me of only being after his money (he doesn't have any), being rude (I'm still trying tofigure out when), trying to break up their marriage, and numerous other things. I've never asked him for anything, and I don't even speak to her. How could I? He asked me not to. Saturday, two days after Christmas, I get an envelope in the mail with a card and gift certificate. My Card is a "daughter you bring such jhoy" where he wrote "thinking of you and wish you the best". My husband gets a "son-in-law you bring such joy to our family" card. In that card he writes "i just want you to know I care about you." Bdad and hubby don't talk. How can we bring such joy when we aren't even a part of his life? I'm just totally bumfuzzled. I know it's the thought that counts, but I can't help but wonder exactly what was he thinking?


I'm sorry for the vent. I'm not trying to highjack your thread and make this about me, I just want you to know I get what you are going through. It confuses the heck out of me too. I don't understand why they want to make this so hard. My Adad had a saying, "Poop or get off the pot." It's what I would like to say to my birthparents or any birthparent who behaves like our BP's are behaving. If they want to be a part of our lives, fine, be a part of our lives. If they don't or can't, then don't play with our emotions. It's just cruel. We don't deserve to be treated like that. I so understand wanting to put an end to the entire reunion. I don't know. I just can't get to a place in which I can completely give up hope that someday they might get a clue. It sure is tempting sometimes to just tell them to get lost, but I don't know if my heart could take that break or the pain that would come with it. I don't know what to do, so for now I'm doning nothing. I sure understand those thoughts of this just ins't worth it.

I'm sorry for not having something positive to help you. Just know you aren't alone. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent too. Hang in there. You're in my thoughts.

A fellow confused adoptee.

[snuffie]

Hi
I'm not a bmom - I'm an adoptee so maybe I'm all wrong here but...After reading your post it is really obvious, I think, that your bmom is having difficulty dealing with her feelings. And when someone is having problems dealing with emotions and feelings there really isn't too much another person can do about it. They have to resolve what is bothering them whether it be by talking with a competent counselor or some other method.

I don't know that I would end the relationship right now. I think (hard as it is) I would try to just take each day as it comes. It sounds like you are kept very busy with your own kids. Maybe someday your bmom will resolve what is bothering her (she may not even know why she is acting this way).

I know its hard not to think about the whys etc. I've been there and driven myself crazy with them. But for my own health and sanity, I let it go.

I wish you and your family a wonderful 2009!

Snuffie

[Rubygirl]

First I wanted to say thank you to Carolyn, Shadow Riderer, and Snuffie for your posts. It really helps me to know that I'm not alone. I talk to my husband about all this but since he's not adopted, he can't fully understand what I am going through.

Also, thank you Janey for your input from a bmom's perspective. A lot of what you wrote I thought the same things too, but since I'm not her (my bmom) I had/have no idea what's going on in her head.

My update - I did get an e-mail back last night from bmom. I had e-mailed her late on Sunday wanting answers and I did say that I was hurt and I didn't want to continue to be hurt by her. Her e-mail stated that she has a lot of "stuff" going on her life - financial issues and marriage issues, which is not an excuse but she's feels overwhelmed right now. She did ask me if I could just be patient with her and not to give up on her. I can do that. I just needed answers from her. Now I can stop thinking that I did something wrong again.

I'm sure my relationship with my bmom will continue to have it's struggles because there is a lot of hurt on both sides. I can just sit back and wait and hope that in the end, it's a relationship I once dreamed about.

Thanks again for all the support. I'm sure I will continue to post on here. It's a great site!

Sincerely,
Rubygirl

[fractalgirl]

Sorry to hear about your ups and downs with bmom. I JUST reunited with my bmom. As I start a relationship with her, I do have fears, rational or not, that she may think the whole situation is too much. Thankfully, she doesn seem very grounded but still...the fear is there.

I thank you for sharing because it brings to light how complicated feelings can be surrounding adoption. Hope things get better.

[carolynppk]

Rubygirl,

I am so happy that your bmom talked to you. That she let you know what was going on helps. I can understand feeling overwhelmed. Just know this is a fragile puzzle. It is like no other relationship you've experienced. Be compassionate and yet do not allow yourself to be a doormat. I am very glad she spoke to you. Best of luck in this relationship.

Carolyn

[cksmom]

Originally Posted by carolynppk

Rubygirl,

I am so happy that your bmom talked to you. That she let you know what was going on helps. I can understand feeling overwhelmed. Just know this is a fragile puzzle. It is like no other relationship you've experienced. Be compassionate and yet do not allow yourself to be a doormat. I am very glad she spoke to you.

This is SO true! I love the phrase "fragile puzzle"!!! that describes it perfectly. when I was emailing with my bmom, I was so afraid to say or ask the wrong thing. It was eggshells on top of eggshells.

I'm glad your bmom shared what is going on with her and asked you to hang in there. It's nice to know that it is about her and not something that you think you have done. HUGS!

[RavenSong]

Rubygirl, I'm glad your birthmom explained what's been going on with her lately. I know it's hard not to take things like this personally.

You know, I've had a few times in my life where I've undergone severe clinical depression. Whenever I'm depressed, I pull away from everyone, including my son. When I pull away emotionally from family members and friends, it's not because of them...it's because of me. It's just the nature of the beast (depression).

Depression is a real hard thing to deal with. Whenever I've suffered from it, I just don't have the mental energy to deal with any relationship. It's kind of hard to explain to people who have never been depressed.

Anyway, I thought I'd bring this aspect into the discussion, just in case any of you have birthmoms who suffer from depression. If they pull back from time to time, it may actually have nothing to do with adoption...it could just be the depression.

[Rubygirl]

I completely agree with you Carolyn

Originally Posted by carolynppk

Rubygirl,

Just know this is a fragile puzzle. It is like no other relationship you've experienced. Be compassionate and yet do not allow yourself to be a doormat.

I agree that I can't be a doormat and let her communicate whenever she wants to. This relationship is a 2 way street. I did ask her in my e-mail back to her that I would be patient with her and not give up on her but it would really help ME to at least a quick e-mail once a week to just say hey-how's it going?

Originally Posted by cksmom

I'm glad your bmom shared what is going on with her and asked you to hang in there. It's nice to know that it is about her and not something that you think you have done.

Completely true cksmom! Until I knew the truth that it was something going on in bmom's life that was overwhelming, I kept thinking the worst - that I did or said something to offend my bmom.

Here's my 2nd update - I received a text from bmom on New Year's Eve wishing me and my fam a Happy New Year and she said in the text that she loves me. This is the first time she has told me that she loves me since we started communicating 10 years ago! I think this is progress. Even though it was a text and not on the phone or in person, it's still progress.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year! Here's a toast to everyone having successful happy healing reunions!!

[cksmom]

That is really great!! I am glad she is making progress and opening up a bit. I think it's so easy for the person that was pulled back on to think it was their fault.

[ecs5298]

I am not a birth mom I am an A-mom and it sounds like b-mom is angry over her decision she made many years ago. She might be one of those people that believes and eye for an eye. It is so painful to make that decision to adopt a child out and I think by hurting you she might think she is leveling things out (you hurt me by coming unexpectedly no i get you back). The other thing is that she does this to everyone who tries to get close to her and has intimacy issues. The other thing is she is trying to reach out to you but may not no how to respond to the A parents. Just some thoughts. Hugs...Boost

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by ecs5298

I am not a birth mom I am an A-mom and it sounds like b-mom is angry over her decision she made many years ago. She might be one of those people that believes and eye for an eye. It is so painful to make that decision to adopt a child out and I think by hurting you she might think she is leveling things out (you hurt me by coming unexpectedly no i get you back).

Have I missed something in this thread? I don't think Rubygirl mentioned anything about her birthmother being angry, especially over her decision to surrender Ruby to adoption. And excuse me, an eye for an eye??? Even IF her birthmom is angry in any way regarding her relinquishment decision, I would be extremely surprised if she holds any anger at all towards her daughter for being born or "coming unexpectedly". Most birthmothers experience a lot of pain when they give their children up for adoption. Why in the world do you think we would want to hurt the children we've grieved over for so many years?

Post-reunion relationships can be tricky and difficult to maneuver at times. I know that I easily jump to conclusions when I haven't heard from my son in a while. I'll think about every possible reason under the sun that pertains to me...did I say something wrong? did I offend him? did I not sound happy enough the last time he called?, etc. He does the same thing when I let too long of a time period go by without contacting him. He'll automatically think he's done something wrong. The thing is, though, it almost always turns out to be something totally unrelated to the reunion. It usually is because the other person is going through some hard times, is super busy with work, is dealing with personal issues, etc.

The one thing that I've learned in almost 19 years of reunion is to never make assumptions about the other person, about how they're feeling or what they're thinking. I learned this the hard way. A couple years ago, my son moved out of state. He called me up as soon as he got to where he was going, but he forgot to give me his new phone number and address before he hung up the phone. So I didn't have any way of getting in touch with him. After a few months of not hearing from me, he assumed I was upset with him about something. Meanwhile, I was sitting here thinking that he was angry with me for some unknown reason. The truth was that neither of these thoughts were correct...they were assumptions we were making about each other. I finally was able to track him down through my niece, and we were able to straighten the whole thing out. But these assumptions we were making ended up hurting both of us, and almost led to the relationship being severed permanently on his part.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you ever have questions or doubts about anything, just to come out and ask the other person. I really think most problems in reunion are rooted in miscommunication. Nobody is a mindreader...if you're having problems with your birthmom or your now-grown child, talk to them...be upfront with them, and let them know how you feel.

[ecs5298]

I am sorry Raven but there are people that are passive aggressive and one way of doing that is to be part of someones life then abruptly withdrawing yourself. There are also people that are angry about having to chose an adoption plan and do things like that too. I thought that this person had talked to her b-mom. Look I haven't been on adoption.com for months because I am tired of the same attacking people and people having to be first and not ever addressing any of the real issues around adoption. I have never seen a group of angrier people and people out for blood then I have on adoption.com. You go to people in these groups for help and you are attacked or insulted and not allowed to have your own opinion. Yes you did miss something in this thread.