[smccammond]

I contacted my Birthfamily June 22. I talked to my BA for about 3-4 hours. She never gave me my birthmom number and I have yet to talk to her. I have sent her a few letters, a birthday card, and even a Christmas card and gift. Yet, I have heard nothing from her. I really thought/hoped that I would have heard from her today. But I guess not. My AM keeps telling me that she never wanted contact and did everything in her power to keep it from happening. She had herself moved to a different floor after I was born, she moved out of the area after my birth, she has an unlisted number, oh and the kicker, "isn't it obvious, the reason she isn't contacting you is loud and clear, she doesn't want to get to know you" *sigh* I know my AM is just trying to protect herself, but come on, you don't need to make me feel like dog crap in the process.
I so desperately want a relationship and I guess she so desperately does not. I have even thought of showing up on her door step, but I'm too chicken. I've thought about her ALL DAY. I was so sad yesterday when it hit 7pm and the UPS man hadn't dropped anything off for me. Why do I get my hopes up, just to have them crushed? Do I even dare get them up for my birthday, which is in 6 weeks? If she doesn't want a relationship that's fine, but I would like to try and find my bf and she is the only one that knows who he is.....well except for her entire family, which I know they won't tell me.

Sorry for the debby downer, but I'm just feeling a little low today.

[jrainbow]

I'm so sorry. These last 6 months must have felt like years - waiting.

You have probably heard this before but, it is important to remember that the lack of communication isn't personal. It isn't about you at all. It is about her and her demons. It isn't about her wants but about her fears and her way of self protection. Reaching thru this wall of fears takes a lot of courage which your bmom obviously doesn't have at this time. Your reaching out is knocking holes in her wall, the wall that she began before you were born, but the wall still stands.

Everyone has to handle the waiting in their own way and you will have to find a way to protect yourself. Just because she has very clearly said, Not Now - doesn't mean that she won't ever communicate with you. But it may take a long, long time to break thru the wall.

Peace and best wishes for 2009.
Hugs
Jill

[mymotherssacrifice]

Hello. I'm so sorry for your situation. They just don't get it. My Amom was also very cold about the whole thing. I was lied to that I was adopted and it was a huge slap in the face that an entire family be privy to the truth, that I the actual person if they had their way would never know. I strongly agree that all people should be entitled to the truth, I wish more biological mothers would have the curteousy to write something about themselves and their families, so that all adoptees would know something. IF there are any bio moms out there please don't take offense but I think there are 2 kinds of birthmoms, the one type that gave the child up out of love because they were too young or knew they couldn't properly care for the child, and the 2nd kind birthmom's that are selfish, broken people too stupid to use birth control and saw their pregnancies as a huge inconvenience. That's so not fair to you, but it sounds like your birthmom may be trying to pretend that you don't exist and if she is as cold as some of the woman I know, I would not expect her heart to ever soften on this. Some say we should thank them for not having abortions, but to me that'd be like thanking them for being horny, it just wouldn't make sense. No one should be brought into this world by the 2nd kind of birthmom. Woman should have respect for their bodies, and form some kind of bond when their babies are in the womb, to take on some responsibility or accountability to the life they created, even if they themselves do not raise that child. Some of them it may really be that to them it is too painful, but get over it the child is the victim not them. (I am not referring to birthmom's that had children as a product of rape since that is an entirely different situation.)

I pray that you are able to find closure to this, even if it doesn't come in the way you'd like. My birth family stuff is complicated but I was able to find peace with it. You are a sensitive and caring person and deserve so much more than your AM, BA, and birthmom could ever give you. Take care.

[wishfulthinker]

It must be very difficult for you wanting and waiting for so long. I hope you have other people and things in your life to try to focus on. I really don't understand how any mother could not respond to her own child. I can see how bmoms have a lot to deal with and were told to forget about us, yadda yadda yadda....but it all comes down to maternal instincts - they have to care about us in some sort of way.

It sounds like maybe your AM knows a little about your bmom. In my opinion, she's not trying to make you feel like crap, she's just being honest - maybe "brutally honest". I don't think she meant it as a blow to you that your bmom doesn't want contact or to get to know you. She was referring to your bmom and what appears to be her wants. Maybe your AM is being so blunt about the whole situation because she is angry that your bmom is doing this to you?

I hope your bmom comes around. Have you asked about your bdad in any of the letters you've written?
Maybe you could let her know that you are interested in finding him and acknowledge to her that you see she isn't ready to respond to you or for any sort of reunion, but you would really appreciate her giving you his name as he may be interested in contact you.

Meanwhile, hang in there. Surround yourself with loved ones and keep busy. Try not to take her silence personally - it's about her, not you.

[winter444]

Oh, I'm so sorry. We do get our hopes up and then they are totally crushed and it hurts, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to think the way my bmom is behaving, not allowing anyone to speak of me, is not about me, it's about her but it does feel totally personal to me! It hurts.
You have every right to know who your dad is. I'm sorry you amom said those things to you.

Hang in there and never, ever give up.

[snuffie]

Aw, I have been "there" and it HURTS. My birthmom refused contact years ago. I was devastated. It took me a very long time to deal with it. My aparents were very distant about the whole thing at the time.

Many years later, after I had reunited with my bsibs, I found out that my bmom would always run sobbing from the room when the name "Rachel" was spoken. She named her favorite doll that name too and kept it on her bed. She never let anyone play with it. And she never told anyone why she cried about "Rachel".
My birthname was Rachel. So even though she never told anyone about me - she always thought about me.

I hope that all of you know that even though rejection seems personal it isn't. It doesn't make it hurt any less - I know that. But I think it does help a bit.

And there is always hope too that someday things will change.

Wishing you all a wonderful 2009!

Snuffie

[cksmom]

It's funny because I was also expecting at least a Christmas card or email from my bmom too. She doesn't want to communicate right now but I thought on Christmas since she knows where I am she would reach out. Not. My birthday is in 2 months and I won't hold our hope for a card then either.

As pp has said, this isn't about you it's her issues and demons. It's still hard not to take it personal. I feel it too.

HUGS!!!

[smccammond]

Thank you to all of you! I really love coming to this site and getting some sympathy. Those who have not gone through it themselves, just don't get it (i.e. Hubby or AM) I'm still very down and have lost much sleep over it. I'm to the point where I want to write a nasty letter.....Well not nasty, but just lay it out there. She isn't the only one hurting in this situation. She isn't the only one who has lost sleep, who has wondered, who has cried herself to sleep at night. This isn't just about her, it's about me too!

I too would have thought that christmas would have jolted her a little bit, but I guess not. I doubt my birthday will be any different. Just another huge let down for me. And it's only because I let it be a let down. But I don't know what else to do. What else to tell myself. I better go before I can' kick this mood today, like yesterday.

Sommer

[lovemy2boys]

smc,

You said you wanted to write a nasty letter; lay it all out there...

What about journaling? You can write that letter - put all of your emotions out there - write whatever you are feeling in your heart without having to censor yourself...the good, the bad, whatever.

I know when AJ's firstmom placed him with us, we brought her a journal - and she said that journal "saved her life". That no one else understood, but at least she could get everything out.

I hope the New Year brings peace to you...

[cksmom]

you and I had some of the same hopes from our bmoms. It's too bad neither were able to reach out this year. They clearly aren't ready. You are only 2 months ahead of me. I know it has felt like an eternity but they are most likely wading through decades of emotions that may take months or years to get through. I hope they both can get through this and want contact.

If you feel like writing a nasty letter and getting all of your anger and hurt out, then do it. BUT DON'T SEND IT! Put it away and when you read it later, you will be glad you wrote it but never mailed it.

[SWGAgirl]

This isn't just about her, it's about me too!

AMEN. You hit the nail on the head with this comment. You are absolutely right. I'm proud that you have realized this so quickly and can state it.

It astounds me how so many of us here NEVER fail to be shocked, disbelieving, and hurt by our b-mom's ignoring us month after month, year after year. Seems like we would learn not to hope or expect anything- but unfortunately our hearts don't learn like our brains do. When the heart is involved- wishing and hoping is difficult to control............and resulting pain and hurt when the hopes are not met seems to be never-ending. I wish there was something we could do about it.

I wrote my b-mom a hundred letters I never sent to her- and they helped for a while- but not anymore. The whole thing stinks.

It may not help much..........but I do know exactly how you feel.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Sommer,

Hi. I'm Janey. I'm not sure we've spoken before though I think we may have. I am old and forget things easily these days! LOL! I had been watching this thread and meaning to post to you. Unfortunately the Christmas monster took over the universe and claimed it as its own! LOL!!

Anyway, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what you're going through. In the short time I've been in this forum, I've gotten to know adoptees going through the same heartbreak as you. IMO it is a terrible thing to treat people this way and I don't understand it.

She isn't the only one hurting in this situation. She isn't the only one who has lost sleep, who has wondered, who has cried herself to sleep at night. This isn't just about her, it's about me too!

You are 100% correct. You have been hurt as well and are more than deserving of compassion from your birthmother; some words of comfort and understanding. I am sorry she is not reaching out to you.

I doubt my birthday will be any different. Just another huge let down for me. And it's only because I let it be a let down.

Nah. (((( Sommer )))) Please don't do that too yourself. Don't put blame on your shoulders for being human. You know there is a quote of Gilda Radner's; a rather famous one. Leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily

So very true! Dreams....dreams die hard. Most especially the important dreams borne of the desire to be known and to be loved. Who doesn't want such things? We are all of us looking to be counted in this life.

You are not in the wrong here, sweetie.

This quote of Liz's here:

When the heart is involved- wishing and hoping is difficult to control............and resulting pain and hurt when the hopes are not met seems to be never-ending. I wish there was something we could do about it.

Wise words spoken by a very wise woman who's paid the high toll to walk on the path. What she says is so true....Wishes and hopes cannot be squelched simply because the brain wants it to be so. The road from the mind to the heart is the longest one to traverse and it takes a lifetime to learn to balance the two; to learn to live at peace with oneself.

Go easy on yourself Sommer. You have every right to your feelings.

Keep posting. There are good people here.

[smccammond]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

What about journaling? You can write that letter - put all of your emotions out there - write whatever you are feeling in your heart without having to censor yourself...the good, the bad, whatever.

I would love to journal I'm just not the greatest at following through. I do it for a couple of days and then its months before I do anything. I do go to a triad group where I live along with another adoption.com adoptee (Hi Carol....Hope you had a good Christmas) This group has helped tremendously, but its only once a month and I need support sooner than later some days. You know instant gratification.

Originally Posted by cksmom

If you feel like writing a nasty letter and getting all of your anger and hurt out, then do it. BUT DON'T SEND IT! Put it away and when you read it later, you will be glad you wrote it but never mailed it.

Thats what I'm afraid of, that one day I'll have had enough and actually send it. But really will that be a bad thing? Or maybe its part of the grieving process and I'm in the anger phase. I never though I would be angry, but really I am. But I think I'm more angry at myself for complicating my life. I have never really thought deeply about my birthmom until I tried to contact her and now thats all I can think about.

Originally Posted by SWGAgirl

AMEN. You hit the nail on the head with this comment. You are absolutely right. I'm proud that you have realized this so quickly and can state it.

Thank you so much for that, at least its somewhat of a break through now hopefully she can have one really really soon!

JaneyTWO,
Thanks so much, and yes we have talked on and off on different threads. This is such a difficult time and your words of encouragement has helped a bunch. My husband has said he wants to read the thread so that he can see the help that I'm getting and the pain I'm going through. He is not adopted, but I have to say that he is doing a great job trying to understand.

[cksmom]

SMC -

it's been a couple of weeks. Wondering how you are doing!

[winter444]

I just checked this thread to see how you are?