[gwtexas]

I submitted my search information to adoptiondatabase.org on 12/8 and received a phone call from them on 12/19 saying that they had found my birthmother. I was very surprised to hear that they had found her so quickly and was caught totally off guard by the news.

As I stated in a previous thread, I never gave much thought to the prospect of finding my birthmother, for whatever reason. I never felt like finding her was that important as I have a very loving, near perfect set of adoptive parents. However, after receiving all of this information about my birthmother, my whole attitude has changed. I can only describe what I am feeling right now as flood of emotion. I have been suddenly overcome by a huge rush of feelings and I now feel very strongly about wanting to meet her.

A very kind lady from the adoption database offered to contact her on my behalf and I agreed to let her do so. After only a few hours they had made contact with her via telephone and she confirmed that she was indeed my birthmother. She also stated that I was a "secret" that she had not revealed to the rest of her family. When asked if she would be willing to communicate with me, she said she didn't know and would have to think about it. Then when asked if she could provide a time frame for when she might be able to respond, she said she was preparing to leave the country and would not be back until mid January.

Has anyone else had an experience anything like this? Is she just in shock and needs time to deal with this or is she really considering not communicating with me? If she won't communicate with me, what then? Do I respect her wishes or do what's right for me?

[lglysson]

I am a birthmom. I wish I had concrete answers for you. I just can tell you she might very well be in shock. If you are a "secret" she might have stuffed all memories and feelings for you. It's easier sometimes. I think that she will have a month to think about you will be a good thing. She will get curious and hopefully want to know more about you. Going slow is so helpful even though we want our reunions now. I hope and pray that you have a reunion that you can both be happy with. Just go slow, when she gets back.
Blessings

[cksmom]

This is a very typical reaction if you were born pre-Roe v. Wade. Birthmothers were told to forget, never tell and just get on with their lives. They were told they could never search and didn't have the right to. And many did just what they were told.

I was born in 1970 and my birthmom married her husband in 1972. He was never told about me. Somehow her children found out and they also kept the secret from them. When I found my bmom, she emailed me the day she received my contact letter. We emailed back and forth and then after about 2-3 weeks, she said she didn't want to communicate at this time. I have a feeling it has something to do with her husband and the rest of her family. She is scared of being judged, criticized and shamed. Even though that probably wouldn't happen. All the years of supressed pain, shame, guilt, fear have now surfaced. It's overwhelming to the bmom who was expecting to never hear from their child again.

Please go get this book right away and read it. It will explain so much about your bmom and her reaction. I found it at my local library and have read it twice. "The Girls That Went Away" by Ann Fessler.

This has nothing to do with you, it's her pain that is overwhelming and the fear that the "Secret" will be revealed and ruin the life she has built since relinquishing you.

HUGS!!!!

[cnb1099]

I too was a secret. The only person that knew of my existence was my bmoms brother. It was hard because although she was the one who searched for me, everything was still so very secretive. After a year her brother somewhat "outed" her to her sister so now more and more family are learning about me but I personally made the decision to give her her time and space (although it was excrutiatingly hard for me as everyone in my life knew that I was adopted and that J and I had made contact) and let things happen in her time.

Three years later it is still a slow process. I think that you need to do what is right for you. But you may also want to look into doing some research into reunion and the possibility that she may not want contact. This way you can start this process understand all the bumps and possibilities.

I wish for you the very best and please keep us posted!

[kathy79]

I had a secret for 28 years and even though I didn't care what others now thought of me I had the hardest time letting the "secret" out. My husband was the only one who knew of the secret. Telling my 3 raised kids was painfully hard.
I've been in reunion for 1 1/2 years now and I still get choked up trying to tell the "secret" to someone who doesn't know. And I have had nothing but positive responses to it.

Yes, your bmom is in shock. Try to give her some time. It took me weeks to be able to have a phone conversation with my bson.

[cetalley]

GWTEXAS, congrats, and be ready for any and all things to happen. I am a firstmom also, yet to find my twins...not knowing of your firstmoms journey, no one can really answer. Please go slow, have patience, and try to understand that she has been given a plate-full to think about. Come here to vent or talk, we will listen! Again this can be a very good thing, and regardless of her intentions for future contact, this is good for you to finally start getting your life put into order, in the way of finding out the other parts of your life. Go slow, expect alot of waiting, and except nothing less of what you are willing to put into this journey yourself. Blessings and Happy Holidays..C.J.

[gwtexas]

Thanks to all of you for the responses. I really can't believe how much this is all getting to me now. All of these thoughts and feelings are consuming me and the idea that I might never get to meet her scares me to death. I know that she has a lot to deal with and I don't want to be a problem in her life. On the other hand, I believe that every human has a God given right to the answers I am seeking about myself. I deserve to know, and to be rejected by her would be devastating. I am willing to give her some time and I hope that she will understand how much this means to me. Any suggestions on what to do while I wait? Should I write her a letter? And what if she says she doesn't want to communicate with me? What then?

[kathy79]

Think positively! Journal your feelings and thoughts.It does help to put your feeling somewhere while you wait. Write her a letter. As you know very bmom is different but it helped me to know that my bson was always their, waiting.