[RaCHaeL125]

This past week has been really hard on me. My decision to pursue a search for my birth mother began because I had a strange dream in which my neighbor came over and told me that unless I deal with these feelings I will never be ok. I mean I was always very open about the fact that I am adopted to friends, and even some strangers. When they treated me like an alien, or tried to give me a pity party, I always shrugged it off like it was nothing, no big deal. I figured since I was always able to awknowledge it, and also able to make and keep close friends it was never a problem. So after the dream, I did decide to try to find her. Now I have her full name, and last known address. I got the letters the other day that she wrote to me right as I was born. Now, for the first time, I know that she loved me. Maybe she still does, 23 years later I don't know. So I've had a pretty crazy week. In hearing that she cares/cared for me, it made me realize how much I have always cared for her. And releasing all of these suppressed emotions, all the other ones I never knew I had are now coming out. Like my fear of abandonment, like my hostility towards people that are very close looking to their parents, like my fear of commitment, like my true anger at her and at other people in the world. It's VERY overwhelming, I feel like I am viewing the world with eyes now open. It's beautiful, but I also feel so utterly vunerable. I feel like I need to open up more, which is strange since I was always so open to telling people about my sex life or other things... But I guess I need to open up to myself about how I really may feel about people's existence in my life. Has anyone gone through this and how? Is there any way to deal with it besides an expensive therapist???

[melissa_bear003]

I know my dh and BIL have a LOT of anger towards their bmom. All of the sibs found, except the youngest have FASD. She died from addiction related issues before they began their search.

There are adoption support groups out there, and maybe looking for one in your area would be a good place to start.

Adoption raises so many different feelings for everyone...there's no 'right' way to feel, just how you feel. All of your feelings are valid and real.

[Gavriela]

RaCHael;
You have had a rough week. I want you to know that all of those feelings are so real and you do need to grieve. Yes, it is hard to really open up to people. I know I have a really hard time letting people know the real me. I talk about me on the surface or about the shocking stuff but, oh never the REAL things.
Support Group, journal, write her letters and come here often.

Gavi
Northern CA

[lglysson]

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I believe you will be better off going through this tough time and dealing with it in the long run. I am a birthmom and the biggest motivation for my relinquishing my daughter was a complete love for her. I loved her so much that I wanted the best for her. I know now that she has had a wonderful life and I am so glad of that. We don't have an open reunion but I did send her a Christmas card she will get in a couple of days. In it I told her how happy I was that she had my eyes, and that I am here for her and I am not going anywhere. It's funny those were 2 things you struggle with. I hope that my telling her this gives her peace.
You are in my prayers.
Blessings
PS-Thank you for being so open with what you are going through, it helps me to know what my daughter might be going through.

[cksmom]

I had some similar revelations when my bmom responded to my contact letter. I had no idea I had those feelings until I found her. I thought all I wanted was my medical history and to see some pictures of birth family. I was very wrong and to actually have feelings for her was overwhelming, confusing and painful. The last few months have been hard but I have learned alot about myself and feel like I know me better than ever. It definately explains alot.

This forum has been great and I found a local support group that I will start attending. I also started a blog mostly for me to just journal.

Hang in there! it's a ride and one I don't regret getting on at all.

[gwtexas]

Rachael,

I just read your post after writing a very similar one of my own. I too just found my birthmom and like you, I have not met her yet. I am having the exact same feelings as you described. I never considered myself an overly emotional person but the past few days for me have been "off the charts" as far as emotions are concerned. I can't think about anything else and I'm very nervous about what the future holds in regards to the prospect of a reunion.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel. I'm right there with you. I hope and pray that we can both come out of this with, at the very least, a new perspective on who we are.

[RaCHaeL125]

This is so hard for me! I mean now I that I have her address, well at least her last know, I was at first SO excited! And then when I found out that she actually did care about me from the letters written at birth, I felt.... accepted. It's like I heard a song in my car and I felt like now I really could enjoy it! And then when my friends called, I felt like I could truly embrace them in my life. And then, something happened. In my acceptance of my many wonderful friends and my truly neurotic and overly dependant a-mom, I realized how ANGRY I was that my bmom was not one of the people I could ever really depend on to be there for me. I wanted her to have nice things too, I mean that is partially why she gave me up, besides what she said about how she wanted everything for me. Well then why does she live (or last lived) in such a crappy part of town? Would I have given up all of the unconditional love and the Dolce and Gabbana glasses to never feel the emptiness and abandonment that she has given to me in addition to my life? In accepting my love for her, I have to realize how much pain she must have gone through being raped and having me. So obviously, I would have never wanted her to go through that. So in a way, to truly love her unselfishly, I have to wish i was never born.
I've gotten ****ed up all week. I've been drinking... taking pills to ease having to deal with it all.... I mean not too many pills or anything but I just can't deal with this! The lawyer is very forthcoming, telling me to have a merry christmas, since if I wasnt adopted jewish this would be my holiday. Well it isn't my **** holiday! i dot't even celebrate Hanukah! This is the life I was dealt, and I love her for putting me here, and at first all i wanted to do was know her, but what if she doesn;t want to know me anymore? Or what if she is a f*ckup? I mean, in my book she is... to be renting in such a ****ty neighborhood in her 40s..... I live in a better neighorhood and I'm 23. When I read her writing, she writes just like me! Unless she ruined her brain from drugs by now I don't know. I have been so honest with everyone and they keep saying oh you'll be ok... you're going on vacation, youre beautiful, you have a great family, you are so smart, look at how great your life is.....
you know what everyone, i ****ing get it! yes, everything is wonderful on the surface.... i walk into a bar and all the guys love me. but i can't make or keep or want a relationship for the life of me. and i can't even face myself or sleep at night. I am a broken person! I am empty inside and no amount of money or superficiality is ever going to fix that! And I don't think a few letters from my b-mom or anything she does at this point can fix it. And I'm sick of trying to fake like it's enough. Or it's OK. I've lied to myself about this my whole entire life. I don't have it in me to pretend like I don't need anyone in my life. But I don't understand how I can need to be accepted sooo badly but I still just want to be alone. Every time I really open up, I regret it the next day. I always have been the entertainer, the story teller... they aren't lies that i tell.... but people love to hear me describe my day. I just can't do it anymore. I am so sick of regretting opening up to friends, i'm sick of wanting drugs so i can hide behind them, i'm sick of imploding. And it's only getting stronger. The other day all I wanted to do was talk to her, and today I wish I never even knew I was adopted. I got the letters she wrote the day before my ****ing GMAT, the test I need to get into graduate school. ANd I BOMBED it. I just want to scream. And freeze time. Should I just write her anyways? Obviously I won't let her know how angry I am.... might as well stay dishonest to keep someone else in my life huh? Sorry if this is negative tonight guys, I just don't have anyone in my life that understands. And it pains my friends to try and help whats on the surface, they've never heard me tell them not to even bother and to let me feel the negative thoughts. I can't suppress them anymore. I just want to let them out. And I want you all to let them out too. I think that's all for the minute I've got. I'm sure I'll feel different tomorrow. Everything is so messed up!!!!
by the way, thank you all so much for validating my feelings. this means more to me than i ever thought it could.

[Aussie-Chris]

hi Rachael,
I was contacted about my biological family in 2000 and it was a very overwhelming time aswell. To read that letter from my birthmom was the greatest turning point in my life. Had all this not happened I hate to think where I would be today.

[Aussie-Chris]

Here's some links to Nancy Verrier I found last night. They are quite confronting but I found them to be very helpful.

Nancy Verrier - Google Video