[RiverRunner]

I am an older adoptee, born in 1969. Although I did a superficial search for my bmother years ago, I let go of the need to find her over time. Like may of us, I was adopted by the most wonderful parents. They sacrificed nothing for me and gave me support and guidance as all great parents do. I believe that I became a healthy adult with strong relationships and a good sense of who I am.

Also, I came to terms with my adoption. Although mine was a closed adoption and I had no information about the circumstances, I had figured that my bmother was young and adoption was her only option. My parents did not think they could have another child after the birth of their first child years before and adopted me. I always knew that I was adopted and accepted it.

Well, two weeks ago I got a call from my younger sister (my parents could have additional children after all), saying she had important information to speak with me about. When I called her, she told me that she had found someone who was looking for me. As you can imagine, I was shocked and a bit angry. I have a fantastic relationship with my sister, but I could not understand why she would do such a thing without consulting me. That withstanding, she told me she had made contact, via email, with the sister of my biological mother.

I ended up contacting her and through a series of emails I have learned that my bmother, who lives only minutes from where I grew up and where my parents still live, has no idea that her sister has been looking for me. Furthermore, they seem to be estranged from each other. The sisters live thousands of miles apart and have little or no contact with each other.

As I said, I was upset with my sister, but we have a strong relationship. We talked about why she did this and how I felt about her doing so. I know her intent was only positive and she is sorry for doing so. I am not angry at her and I understand why she did what she did. However, I am very concerned about the other side of this. I am confident that my bmother and her sister do not have a strong relationship. Given all of this, I decided that I needed to contact my bmother before her sister did. So, I mailed her a letter last week.

I have multiple concerns about all of this. First, I am afraid that my bmother may dismiss this outright because of who initiated the search. I am afraid that their relationship is so strained that she may be so angry at her sister for looking for me without her consent that she'll not pursue it. Second, I suspect that it will be more difficult for me than I think. Again, as many of you can understand, I am lucky to have had a fantastic family and I am very content and happy. However, now that this has all come to light, I am interested in saying hello to my bmother and letting her know that I am well, sharing my story with her and telling her thanks. I suspect that I'll be upset should I not be able to do so. Finally, my bmother has a daughter. I have no idea if she knows about me. I simply don't want to hurt my bmother or her family.

Having said all of that, the letter is in the mail. Based on advice I read her over the last few weeks, I included a self-addressed, stamped postcard for her to return to indicate she received my letter. We'll see what happens.

We all have our own stories and this is mine. I would appreciate any feedback you would be willing to offer.

Given this time of year, I want to say to bmothers on behalf of adoptees like myself who have been adopted by great families-thanks for your selfless sacrifice. We love you.

Happy holidays to all!

River

[cksmom]

Hi River,

I am too and "older" adoptee born in 1970. Sorry that made me laugh as I don't think we are old at all!

Your story is amazing...2 sisters of members of the adoption triad are looking but not the members themselves. If it were my sister, I would consider it a gift. Searching is emotional and not easy. Mine was short but it still took it's toll.

Anyway, congratulations on mailing that letter! that took guts! I know it did for me in August. I thought I was going to pass out sticking it in the mail slot. It's so hard to know how your bmom will react. Worst case is she isn't ready and being contacted may be overwhelming at first. Or she could be ready and estactic and want to meet right away. It is such a rollercoaster of emotions!

Good luck, Hugs and PLEASE let us know what happens!!

[RiverRunner]

KB,

Thanks! Yeah, well . . . I see some of these posts with birth dates in the '90's and ....

This is all so strange. But, thanks for the thoughts about this being a gift. I don't know what it is like to want to know and not be able to find someone. I know that has to hurt too.

I will be sure to let folks know how this all plays out.

Thanks again!

[txrnr]

Good luck! I hope all turns out well, and your wait is short. I also laughed at the "older" adoptee comment. I was born in 67 and have yet to think of myself old.

[humbird753]

I wanted to comment on your post because of the "thank you" you made to all Birth Moms for being selfless, etc... I was truly touched by that.

I have found my daughter (born 1970 - young!), and have emailed her but have had no response yet. As a birth mom, I would like to know she had a good life and that she is happy.

As everyone else from the triad has mentioned, it is an emotional roller coaster.

I hope your birth mom is ready to hear from you. It is possible that her sister searched for you because she may know that your birth mom has wondered about you. As a birth mom - we never forget our children.

Merry Christmas to you, and God bless.

Hum

[loveajax]

River, my DH is an "old" person who was adopted (1966)....you are not yet 40 so I think of you as a baby! haha.

Anyway, he had a similar life experience. wonderful parents, etc.

Last year he wrote to his birth mom right before Christmas....and waited...and waited....lo and behold he got an email from her last month (almost a year later). His birth mom seems very nice and they have had a couple of email exchanges. But she does not want to meet (we live 10 minutes away!), i think partly because he is a "secret." It has been a little hard on DH, I think...as someone said, it is "emotional rollercoaster."

I write this just to say if you don't hear back right away, don't get discouraged! Also, I think you never "know" what will happen if you do reunite and there are many people here who have been thru the process and can help you.

I wish you a lot of luck!!! Keep us posted!

[wishfulthinker]

I'm also a member of the old adoptees club - I was born in 1970. I do know how it feels to want to know who my birthmother is so very badly and I have been searching and have not yet found her - not even her name. Let me tell you, it really sucks. I know you said that you never really wanted to search, but you have been given such a wonderful gift to have your bmother's name and contact information.

Was it your sister who was searching, or your bmother's sister who contacted your sister? Either way, I hope that you realize just how lucky you are.

I was also raised by wonderful parents that I feel so very blessed to have. I believe that no matter how great your aparents, there is still a fundamental need to know where we came from and our medical histories. I also believe that every bmother deserves to know how her child is doing and if they've had a good life.

Even if a reunion doesn't happen for some reason, at least you know that you have a bfamily member who is searching for you - your baunt. Best wishes to you.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Last year he wrote to his birth mom right before Christmas....and waited...and waited....lo and behold he got an email from her last month (almost a year later). His birth mom seems very nice and they have had a couple of email exchanges. But she does not want to meet (we live 10 minutes away!), i think partly because he is a "secret." It has been a little hard on DH, I think...as someone said, it is "emotional rollercoaster."

Loveajax, you know, the more I think about your DH and his birthmom, the more I think that she's not wanting to meet him not because he's been a secret all these years...but because she's gotten old, had a stroke, and may be embarrassed about her appearance.

My mom had a stroke a few months ago, and we're having a terrible time trying to convince her to socialize with friends and neighbors. She's just too embarrassed...

Anyway, I thought I'd bring up this possibility with you. Don't give up hope...I really have a gut-level feeling that your husband is going to meet up with his birthmother in the coming year. Just give it a little more time.

[loveajax]

Thank you, Raven. You know, that is also a huge possibility. I mean we don't even know if she can drive? So maybe even if she wanted to meet she really wouldn't be able to "finagle" it right now. I am also sure with a stroke, she may not "look" the same and be able to speak well. Aw, it's sad (her DH has alzheimers too).

Plus, as you know, it's only been less than a month since they have been contacting each other. I think I remember you saying "patience," hahahaha. Not my strong suit!! (and of course I'm just a buttinsky in this whole thing!). Anyway, I'm sure you are prescient here (as usual!).

Good luck, River, and keep us posted!!!!

[RiverRunner]

Thanks to all for the feedback. This site is where my story got started. My sister typed in my birth date and found all the information needed to find both of my birth parents. More on that in a minute. First, however a correction and then an apology. The correction is that I said, "my aparents would sacrifice nothing." Not true, they'd sacrifice anything. Second, I apologize to all the youthful folks in their late 30's to early 40's for referring to you (us) as "older." Shame on me!

The comments to Loveajax about the possibility of a stroke are really interesting to me b/c I learned from baunt that my bmother had recently had a stroke too. I think there is a real possibility that a physical condition may be keeping your husband's bmother from wanting to meet him. I agree with the others, that in time it will happen. I can only imagine that there is some feeling of vulnerability on her part if indeed she has experienced such a thing. She may not want her son to see her in such a condition. As the relationship grows, the trust will too and she'll be more comfortable? I suspect so. Keep believing.

Thanks to all of you for commenting on not being able to find a parent or child after long searches. I did not intend on being insensitive to that when I said I was angry at my sister for looking without my consent. However, I was angry. As you all know, this is such an emotional issue and to have it dropped in my lap was difficult. Having said that, I sincerely hope that each of you searching for a lost family member find that person.

Finally, some additional advice, please. Baunt, who initiated the search, provided all the contact information on my bfather too. In fact, she has been in contact with him in the past few days via telephone. He indicated to her that he is interested in having contact with me. Baunt sent pictures of both him and bmother and I look a lot like him. It was amazing to finally be able to say, "that is who I look like" for the first time ever in my life. The story is that he and my birthmother never really had a relationship. They dated briefly, but they lost contact at some point shortly before of after my birth. (Question for bmom.) Although they live in the same small town, there seems to be no contact between them. The problem is, I have no real interest in contacting him and never have. I have always wondered about my bmother, but can't remember ever really thinking about him. Given his willingness to contact me, is it selfish not to do so? He lives close to my parents and it would be easy to see him on one of my visits home, but I'm just not feeling it. Yet, I feel like I may be dismissing the impact this has had on him over the years. Have any of you had this experience? What do you think? Thanks!

[txrnr]

It's your call, or course. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. I would say don't close the door, as you never know how hard it may be to open again.

I think your bdad could be a wealth of information about your bmom (good things, I mean...not to trash her) at a young age, what she was like. Things we don't necessarily think about ourselves. Also, your dna is 50% his. The medical information etc... is priceless, and should be yours. You could make contact by mail or email if it would be easier and feel things out.

Good luck! (and you didn't offend me at all by the older comment. It amused me greatly)

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by RiverRunner

I apologize to all the youthful folks in their late 30's to early 40's for referring to you (us) as "older." Shame on me!

I was born and adopted in 1949 - imagine how "old" all of this makes me feel !!! My hair is still it's original colour with no artificial help - thanks to those good but unknown genes - and I still fit into the same clothes I wore 10 years ago (shame on me for still having some of them around).

Those of us who really are the older adoptees have a couple of strikes against us: it's likely that our bparents have died and it's also likely that our existence was kept secret because of the societal views of the day. I've met some bsibs and while it's mostly been a wonderful gift, there isn't the bond that a shared lifetime might have created. But it's still nice to have sibs after a lifetime of being an only child.

Don't close the door to the chance that you might end up developing a friendship with some of your bio relatives. Just yesterday someone who knew my bmother said "you like so much like _ _ _, she was a wonderful person". I had a great mom and dad, they will always be who I refer to and think of as my parents but it doesn't hurt to hear that my bmother was a nice lady and was loved and highly thought of by her in-laws.

good luck as you travel this road...

[LMNGambino]

I would be FURIOUS if someone did this to me. I dont care what her intentions were, it was NOT her place to do tihs. Wow.
I hope things turn out well, but I will add this. You may not want to "thank" your first mom, though. Many first moms have said how this is like throwing salt into an open wound.

[cksmom]

It's interesting that you say you aren't feeling it yet for your bdad. I was the same way. I was so focused on the relationship with bmom, I didn't care about finding bdad. I think I must look like him as I don't see a huge resemblence with me and bmom. But now that she won't tell me his name and doesn't want contact, I do want to find him. Bmom doesn't know the other half of my medical history or probably that much about his family.

A stroke, weight or other medical conditions are definately reasons bmoms don't want contact as that could lead to a face to face. I had a revelation the other day about my bmom. She wouldn't email any pics of her and I asked a couple of times. She knew I had looked at her senior yearbook pics online. She was a tiny cheerleader (she had me in college) and in her last email she was giving me my medical history and said she is on blood pressure meds and if she lost 10 pounds she could get off it. She would probably need to lose more than 10 pounds as I saw her 40th HS reunion pics were also online. She is a full figurered lady, not huge by any means and looks great but it may be one of the reasons she doesn't want contact.

[RiverRunner]

This is all so new to me, but it has been a long few weeks. A review of events: my sister contacted a woman looking to find me, my baunt. I emailed bAunt and got info on bmother, including her address. After short consideration (problem #1), I sent her a letter.

The following is an update from an email from baunt:

"River please give this some time now for yourself to decide what is best for you to do concerning xxxx (bmother). I made attempts to contact her asking that she just call me, or call xxxxx (neighbor) and that it was important - one of those calls did get thru to her and her response was to tell me to mind my own business. She told xxxx (neighbor) the same thing to stay out of her business.

My experience has been that xxxxx (bmother) is colder and harder then I had imagined and she has reacted to me and my attempts to put her worry concerning you to rest. She had sent a letter to xxxx my husband demanding that I forward your email address. I worried that that may hurt your chances to be in a good frame of communication with her to begin with, so I instead told XXXX (bmother's neighbor) that she should have a conversation with Sandy and tell her that you are from what I have experienced someone that she would want to talk to and that your communication with me has been sincere and respectful of her and nothing less.

I refused her and told her instead that I would send some emails that you had written me to give her time to adjust to the situation because I thought that the anger I was getting back was shock and uncalled for. Her response to that was to call me three times and scream at the top of her lungs in indefinable anger and speech"

Great start, huh? I just feel so awful about all of this right now. Once I was given the information about my bmother, I wanted to say "hello" and thanks. I was (ha -past tense) in a good place and thought it would be nice to contact her. I liken it to wanting to catch up with an old friend you haven't seen in years- someone you want to share your stories with and hear his or her story in return. I guess I should have just let this all go. I was really happy with my life and feel that I had come to terms with my adoption. I found information about my bmother and wrote her a letter. It could have gone either way; it seems to have gone sour. I just want to let it all go and rewind the clock to three weeks ago before I got that call from my sister. I don't think I could have scripted this to be any worse.

I caution folks to be careful when you find someone looking for you if it isn't the person you'd hope to find. You never know how that third party's relationship with the person you're interested in may impact how your efforts are received.

In the end, this may turn out okay. Hard saying not knowing!

As for bfather, same deal. If he is interested, I'd be willing to say hello, but I didn't have the same desire to contact him as I did bmother. However, I don't think he is as pissed about learning about me as bmother is. From what I have learned, he is willing to converse to share medical info. But, the reality is that I could not care less about that and never have. I figure I am going at some point and I'd rather not know how. Yeah, I know.

So, there is how this is playing out to date. Rather interesting . . .