[Amandak249]

I've posted about this before, over a year ago, and because the situation has only gotten worse, despite my best attempts at reconciliation, I have truly come to the end of my rope.

I was adopted as a young child, and have one full sister who resides with my birthfather. Bmom is basically out of the picture for me. I was reunited over 7 years ago, and at first everything went swimmingly. I formed a good relationship with my bfather and bsister. Slowly, though, things began to sour. Bsister, Ellen, is insanely jealous of my relationship with our father. She is currently 16, and is only a few years younger than I am. She has hurt my physically, and emotionally for the past 5 years, and I've grown tired of it. She ignores or responds very rudely to all of my attempts to be kind(birthday cards, etc) She will "twist the knife" at any chance she gets. She insults me, says hurtful things, has injured me physically( by "accidentally" slamming my leg in the car door) and will hurt me at every opportunity. She lies about me ( no one believes her), will send me nasty emails (before I was smart enough to block her completely) and despises me for no other reason than that I exist.

My birthfather recognizes this issue, but pleads with me not to give up hope on her, and explains that she's jealous and will grow out of it. He spoils her , indulges her every whim, and allows her out of control behavior to flourish by enabling her . She is extremely entitled, and is overall not a kind person.

I understand that her life has not been a picnic. My biological family has a lot of issues, and unlike me, she grew up around them. However I've had enough of her jealousy and cruelty. I've waited for her to mature for a long time, and I've sent her a card on her birthday and a small Christmas present every year for years. I didn't
want to give her any ammunition. I chose the high road, but I cannot do it anymore. I sent her my customary text message for her birthday about a month ago, and she responded rudely, first with cursing at me, and then by ignoring me. This Christmas, while filling out my cards, I addressed the card to my birth father and his girlfriend, and left her name off the card. I sent both of them gifts, and sent nothing to my sister.


She has been so cruel for so long, and the entire situation is so clouded that I no longer know how to react. Some members of my birthfamily see how Ellen is upset my presence, and now they are uneasy about my presence in their family because it makes her angry. This, too, has hurt me very deeply.


I am considering sending a letter to my birthfather , thanking him for all he's done for me, and explaining that I need some time away from the situation. It hurts me in ways that I cannot even express. I did not want to do this, but I feel I have no other choice. My sister is not changing anytime soon,and I have enough on my plate without this craziness. Does anyone have any advice on this issue, short of cutting off all contact? If I can think of nothing else, I'll have to take a break from this relationship. It has become too painful for me.

It has come to the point where I WANT her to come to me desiring a relationship, if only so I can reject her, and tell her exactly where I'd like her to go.. (if you catch my drift)

These sort of malicious thoughts are very unlike me, and it frightens me to have so much hatred for someone I should pity.

Are we required to continue a reunion at any cost?

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

Bsister, Ellen, is insanely jealous of my relationship with our father. She is currently 16, and is only a few years younger than I am. She has hurt my physically, and emotionally for the past 5 years, and I've grown tired of it. She ignores or responds very rudely to all of my attempts to be kind(birthday cards, etc) She will "twist the knife" at any chance she gets. She insults me, says hurtful things, has injured me physically( by "accidentally" slamming my leg in the car door) and will hurt me at every opportunity. She lies about me ( no one believes her), will send me nasty emails (before I was smart enough to block her completely) and despises me for no other reason than that I exist.
This is not normal. Jealousy is one thing but she's gone way over the top. Honestly, I think she has the potential to be dangerous.

My birthfather recognizes this issue, but pleads with me not to give up hope on her, and explains that she's jealous and will grow out of it. He spoils her , indulges her every whim, and allows her out of control behavior to flourish by enabling her . She is extremely entitled, and is overall not a kind person. Your bfather IS enabling her behaviour.

Some members of my birthfamily see how Ellen is upset my presence, and now they are uneasy about my presence in their family because it makes her angry. This speaks volumes. They are afraid of her anger. This, too, has hurt me very deeply. Of course it does, but greater than their wish to include you is their fear of her response. Take the good here - THEY DO want you - but there is someone who is so unhealthy that they fear her reaction even more.

I am considering sending a letter to my birthfather , thanking him for all he's done for me, and explaining that I need some time away from the situation. Great idea! It hurts me in ways that I cannot even express. I did not want to do this, but I feel I have no other choice. You don't, unless you are willing to continue to be treated like this but, thankfully, you're wise enough not to tolerate it any longer.

It has come to the point where I WANT her to come to me desiring a relationship, if only so I can reject her, and tell her exactly where I'd like her to go.. (if you catch my drift) Be careful, I really do think her actions are so out of line that you should just withdraw, don't provoke her.

Accept the fact that due to Ellen's temperament, you may never have the relationship you would have liked. I think you're taking the responsible, reasonable route by suspending things for a while. Let them make the effort if there is to be a reunion in the future and make sure toxic Ellen has really changed before you try again.

[bakerjw]

I agree that you're taking the correct route by stepping back but don't shut things off completely. It sounds like your Bfather is very understanding about you being caught in the middle and I am sure that you and he will continue to have a good relationship without your bsister being involved.

I can only imagine how bad it must hurt, but a lot of kids these days are spoiled self centered brats and it sounds like she falls into that category. The good news is that everyone sees them for what they are. When compared to a someone who is stable and mature, like you seem to be, they will be seen as the problem.

If your bfamily is uneasy about E getting all riled up and you step back, I am sure that your bfather will let everyone know why you are out of the picture. They will understand and see you as the bigger person.

You don't need to put up with E's crap. No one deserves that kind of treatment and you should be able to have a relationship with your BFather. You have every right and from what has been described, I'm sure that he'd rather spend quality time with you than dealing with a spoiled brat.

So IMHO, stepping back into the shadows is probably best for you, but let your Bfather and any others of the family be welcome if they so desire.
Best wishes and Merry Christmas!

[JustPeachy]

You don't need to be in a relationship with the bsister who is treating you so rottenly and abusively. In fact, I think you've gone too far in trying to develop a relationship with her when she has made it clear over and over again that she wants no such thing. So, given that, can you maintain a relationship with your bfather that is separate from your bsibling? If you like your bdad and want him in your life, by all means, you should be able to have a relationship with him alone. It doesn't have to be a package deal. Now, that may be harder when it comes to family events and such, and maybe at some point your bdad can start to set some limits with your bsister around how she treats you in their presence. But you also might be OK not attending things when she is around and just enjoying a one-on-one relationship with your bdad. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't allow this younger birthsibling to back me into a corner where I had to cut off all contact with my birthfather if I really didn't want to. I would simply cut off the contact with her, unless and until she could treat me with some degree of respect, or at the very least, tolerance.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Amandak249,

I agree with JustPeachy 100%. It sounds as if it would be best to simply have a relationship with your bdad that doesn't include your bsister - at least for now. From what you've posted, your bdad seems to be a kind and reasonable person. Perhaps he will take your bsib's age into account and understand that, at this juncture at least, you can't have anything to do with her; that she is too immature to handle whatever her underlying issues are.

There are 5 types of action in psychology; Avoidance, acceptance, deflection, rejection and resolution.

In trying to have a relationship with your birthsister, you have certainly done an admirable job in applying the first 4.

Perhaps resolution is the only option left for you then. Extend an invitation to your bdad to be part of your life but explain politely that until your sister can work out what upsets her, you need to keep your distance from her.

JustPeachy is right; she should treat you with respect.

[Soule]

i agree with all the posts, and yes you have done more than enough to try to develop a relationship with your bsister.

I wouldn't close the door on your bfather and bfamily though, but make it clear you are stepping back due to the bsister behaviour, and let them come to you. Let them know that you are still around for them if they want to keep in touch.

Regarding your bsister she doesn't seem to have the maturity to deal with the situation, so i would write to both your bfather and bsister. write to you bsister and tell her that you understand that it is hard for her and when she is ready to build a relationship with you, you will be there. The reason I say to write to her one last time is purely because in a few years I suspect she will regret her behaviour and when she has matured hopefully she will see this all differantly and if she thinks the door is still open with you she will know that she can approach you at a later point.

Send that letter then move on.

I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do

[Amandak249]

I agree with everything everyone has posted. It's nice to see that outsiders can really see what is going on here.

My bfather sees this as " kids stuff" and because my sister is still young, she'll grow out of it because it's just a stage and she's had a rough life etc, etc. But I think that soon, very soon, his excuse of " she;s just 16! shes so mature in so many ways, but this isn't one of them" will be null and void. He TRULY believes that because we are sisters by blood, that we are genetically programmed to love eachother unconditionally. I disagree, but he tells me that he is right and that I'm proving his point by wanting to fix things with Ellen.

" If you didn't love her, why want to fix things with her?"


I know that they aren't a "package deal", but it's very hard for me to separate the two of them, if only because it's difficult to watch bdad continue to enable and spoil this child who has treated me so cruelly right before his eyes. He doesn't discipline her. He is fairly wealthy, and buys her new horses, new bigger cars (before she got her license... ) and various other expensive things.

I've been taught that behavior has consequences. My parents would NEVER have allowed me to behave this way. You'd better believe that if I was doing the things Ellen is doing... I'd be in a lot of trouble. They wouldn't tolerate it, and the fact that bdad is just sort of letting it slide, and making excuses for her, really puts a strain on how I feel about him. Whether it should or not is irrelevant, because it truly does.


My attempts to be cordial to her have fallen flat every single time.

I don't think bdad realizes how `much it affects me. I've told him, numerous times, but I don't think it has really sunk in for him.

He apologizes all the time, as if it's his fault. He says things like " I've broken up this family. If you and Ellen were living together this never would have happened. I've created a broken family"


And yet he continues to do nothing. Just makes halfhearted attempts to quiet her, because everyone is afraid of how aggressive Ellen can be..

[Janeytwo]

Dear Amandak249,

.....it's difficult to watch bdad continue to enable and spoil this child who has treated me so cruelly right before his eyes. He doesn't discipline her. He is fairly wealthy, and buys her new horses, new bigger cars (before she got her license... ) and various other expensive things.

I've always told my daughters that "please" and "thankyou" are two of the most important words in the English dictionary for a couple of reasons. One because being polite is really the way people ought to behave but also because manners open doors when nothing else will. There's a great deal of truth that you catch more flies with honey, etc.

And I think it's dangerous to teach kids self-entitlement; to take what they want with little regard for others; to treat other people like trash; do whatever they want. Because while they may get away with that at home sooner or later they have to go out into the big, bad world and then they're going to come across someone who understands the true meaning of power; a person who knows where everyone else ends and they begin.

Rule number one: There's always a bigger, badder SOB on the playground. And if a person goes around acting like they're that SOB, someone truly tough is going to come along and clean their clock. Some people do need to learn that lesson though I wouldn't recommend signing up.

Crossing the cool, calculating ruthless type? No thanks! I have some experience with those kind and I'd rather try tunneling through Mt. Everest with a plastic dessert spoon.

Sounds like your little sister has some tough rows to hoe in the future but that is her journey. Yours may just be to step out of the way for a while and be there when she is forced to swallow a dose of her own medicine. Then maybe she'll turn to you for help and advice and you can bridge the gap then.

He apologizes all the time, as if it's his fault. He says things like " I've broken up this family. If you and Ellen were living together this never would have happened. I've created a broken family"

The guilt of the birthparent. I've got my share of it and it has affected those around me in so many negative ways. It's tough for adults to face who they were as kids; the choices they made.

But hopefully time will help your bdad to see that he was only human and then perhaps he can begin to heal; forgive himself.

Family stuff has a way of working itself out when one member of the family says, "Stop! I'm not tolerating this anymore! I'm going to take care of myself now!"

Also, it sounds as if your younger bsister has worn everyone down. Again, she's in for a rude awakening if she thinks strangers out there in the world are going to take that crap. Not likely. Still, she's young and has a long way to go. (Then again, I can't say I dont' have my stuff to learn too.)

Wishing you peace today,

[DP611]

I had a very similar situation. I found my birth family, my birth parents got married and had 5 more children. Things started off "swimmingly" to quote you and now its been 5 years of no contact. I'm sure like all of us, I can write a thousand pages on my story. But to answer your question or to give my advice: DON'T GIVE UP ON THE REUNION! I think sometimes we do "dramatic" things for attention [i.e. saying enough is enough] because it is the only way we can let people know how much we are being hurt. It is a cry for attention but I don't think its worth it. I don't have a relationship with my family and it is something that is very difficult for me. I love all of them so much, I nostalgically look at pictures of when we were together and it is something I have to deal with quite often. If you have a good relationship with your birthfather, treasure it. In my opinion, it is something wonderful.

As far as your sister, I am starting to learn that her reaction towards you is quite common in these kind of reconciliation situations. Her reaction has nothing to do with you but everything to do with herself. I would try to be aware of who she is, her age, what she must be experiencing, and possibly even try to put yourself in her situation. It must not be easy for her and, for whatever reason, she is responding in this manner. Rise above the situation, understand it, but at the same time don't be "so nice" where you get taken advantage of, or you become anyone's door matt. You said your birthfather spoils her so if I were you, I would NOT do likewise. Be respectful and compassionate, but at the same time, be firm and don't turn a blind eye to inappropriate behavior.

Long story short, millions of adopted children have questions about their birth families; millions of them search out for their families with NO luck; of those, thousands are rejected or turned away (yet again) so for you to have a relationship with your birth father is something that is extraordinarily special and unique. I would treasure it and hold onto it. Now, you should never be in any relationship that is self-destructive but at the same time, I would encourage you to think long and hard before you would break off this reunion. It might seem like the thing to do now because of the frustration and suffering but 5-10 years down the line, how will you feel? Will you miss them? Will you look at pictures? How will birthdays and holidays be?

I have confidence in life's plan for me (and for all of us) but if it were up to me, I would REALLY love to have my family in my life. I think what you have is very special and worth fighting for.

All the best to you my friend :-)

[Amandak249]

I think you're probably right...

My idea to cut off contact does not stem from a real desire to stop the relationship, but maybe just to be taken seriously. It's a dramatic step, and perhaps I want to take it because I feel like my bfamily isn't really hearing me. And of course there is the less than noble motive in that I want my bdad to be angry with my bsister for having ruined this reunion ( because for all intensive purposes, she has made it very difficult) I don't want her to get away with it. How many years should I take her abuse? What, am I just supposed to idly wait and bide my time and take all of her crap until SHE decides she wants a relationship? What about MY needs?


I feel stuck in this... and my anger is really beginning to take its toll...

[Soule]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

I think you're probably right...

My idea to cut off contact does not stem from a real desire to stop the relationship, but maybe just to be taken seriously. It's a dramatic step, and perhaps I want to take it because I feel like my bfamily isn't really hearing me. And of course there is the less than noble motive in that I want my bdad to be angry with my bsister for having ruined this reunion ( because for all intensive purposes, she has made it very difficult) I don't want her to get away with it. How many years should I take her abuse? What, am I just supposed to idly wait and bide my time and take all of her crap until SHE decides she wants a relationship? What about MY needs?


I feel stuck in this... and my anger is really beginning to take its toll...

You know, I understand completely where you are coming from, everyone in this situation seems to lick their own wounds and have concerns about their nearest and their dearest but forget that there is one other person they should have to care about, as it is us adoptees, or atleast I know I did, not only have our own emotions to deal with but concerns on the bfamily and our adoptive families, we are pulled in so many directions trying to do what is right for everyone.

Your feelings are just as important, like I said before I think you should write 2 letters leaving the door open for your bfamily and dad and your bsister to contact you when they are ready. Stop the chasing and doing everything that is right, you have done that and nowit is their turn.

In the mean time you take care of yourself, and make sure you are looking after what you need for a change

[JustPeachy]

And of course there is the less than noble motive in that I want my bdad to be angry with my bsister for having ruined this reunion ( because for all intensive purposes, she has made it very difficult) I don't want her to get away with it.

This could totally backfire. I would try to let go of the need to get back at your bsister.

How many years should I take her abuse? What, am I just supposed to idly wait and bide my time and take all of her crap until SHE decides she wants a relationship? What about MY needs?

You shouldn't take her abuse at all and you definitely shouldn't take her crap. Have you tried confronting her directly when she is nasty to you? Or are you waiting for your bdad to step in and handle it? I don't think you ever HAVE to have a relationship with her, even if and when she decides she wants one. By that time, it may be too little/too late. And your needs are certainly important, just as important as anyone elses.

I can see how frustrating this is. You gave more info in your last post about how your dad is so passive and enabling with you bsister, and I, too, would find it infuriating, especially if I was the one getting the brunt of her nonsense. And just because you are related by blood does not mean you have to get along. Of course, you would like for it to be so, but it's not happening and you have had quite enough. Your bdad needs to stop making excuses for your bsister. You cannot control how he handles her though. It is apparent he doesn't know how to, and that's his issue. However, I do think he will have to try to understand your side of this if he expects to stay in a relationship with you, and understand that you are being ABUSED and will not tolerate it anymore. If he cannot accept that, I really don't know how you can be around him if bsibling is also around at the same time.

He apologizes all the time, as if it's his fault. He says things like " I've broken up this family. If you and Ellen were living together this never would have happened. I've created a broken family"

I hope this isn't harsh, but I think this is lame. He should work these feelings out in counseling, not with you. By throwing this at you, he is deflecting from the real issue: the fact that your sister is, in the HERE AND NOW, acting in a highly inappropriate and abusive manner, and he is doing nothing to correct it. What happened in the past happened and nothing can change that. And I don't think you and Ellen growing up in the same household would necessarily have solved anything. What's to say both of you wouldn't have ended up the same way? Obviously, your bdad is being very passive about your sister. Instead of taking an active stance in stopping this nonsense, he's wallowing in the past. Apparently, he is too afraid to confront her, and/or he doesn't know quite how to fix the situation. But again, this is really all his issue to deal with. I would explain to him that you cannot and will not tolerate abuse and you cannot be in contact with your sister under those circumstances, but would like to maintain a relationship with him, as well as other relatives you like. I'm just concerned that if they kow-tow to your bsister so much, and you set this boundary, they will see YOU as the bad guy. I hope this will not be the case, but sometimes things play out like this when you change family dynamics by setting firm boundaries and maintaining them.

[winter444]

I really, really feel for you in this situation.
As others have said, I'd write to your dad and explain to him exactly how you feel.
At first reading about your sister I thought she was acting like a spoilt child but as I read more her behavior has been just plain nasty and should not have been allowed to go on. People seem to be letting her do this over and over.
I would definately stay in contact with your dad but your sister has to be shown she cannot, and will not, treat you the way she has been doing. honestly, I would not contact her, no cards, gifts, nothing. I think to keep sending her stuff kind of tells her she has control over you.

See what happens when you don't contact her, my god you have been so kind to her but it really sounds like she has a LOT of problems, is very abusive and this is just not healthy for you, you have to think about yourself. No one asks for their family and I truly feel that if any of them are just making our lives miserable, we have to stop it.

I totally understand when you say you don't want her to get away with this, it is infuriating to say the least, I had the same problem with one of my 1/2 siblings concerning my bmom, this particular sibling would not let us have any privacy and commented on everything I said, honestly I was so ill from it and now there's no contact with bmom. Honestly though I would stop contact with your sister and write to your dad or talk to him, he needs to stop enabling her and see what's been going on. You deserve to have a relationship with your dad, it makes me so angry when this kind of thing goes on.
All you can do is say how you feel and you can't take this abuse, you are doing nothing wrong. Let the other bfamily members know how you feel too, seems that they already know from what I've read. Everyone needs to stop enabling this girl but it may never happen. Sorry but it just makes me want to throttle some people!!!!
Take your sister out of the picture for right now, who knows what will happen in the future, she may grow up....if not, sister or no sister I would not want to be around her anyway. Also, by you being strong where she is concerned you are showing your dad and the others you don't tolerate this behavior.
When someone is acting like this, it can really make us physically and mentally ill, it's torture.
You deserve peace and happiness x x

[Amandak249]

I find that it's difficult to separate my bdad and bsister.


As someone mentioned, It's not so much that I want to end the relationship, but that I feel I have to to save my sanity.

[zxczxcasdasd]

It sounds like your dad is using his guilt as an excuse to avoid the hard work of parenting- correcting, teaching, disciplining...not just feeding, clothing, and indulging. Your dad's guilt is wrongly placed and I wouldn't be afraid to tell him so. It's his here-and-now parenting, or lack of, that has enabled her behavior and ruined things, not anything that happened in the past. Until he is ready to act as a responsible parent, it will never change. I'm sorry for it. If he'd had the guts to teach her to behave like a healthy considerate human being, things might be different.

Sometimes the weakness of the "nice" one is as much a part of the ongoing problem as the nastiness of the "mean" one.

I so sorry it's been this hard.