[Amandak249]

He and bsister live on the other side of the country. I'm in NY, and he's all the way in the south. I know that he isn't too big on therapy ( my bsister is in some serious need of it) The problem isn't really him, but more my bsister. I just can't have a healthy relationship with someone who allows their child to hurt me like this, and who will not defend me to his family when my bsister manipulates them into thinking that I am a big bad, adoptee who wants to mess up their family and hurt her. Some people in the family ( bdads sister in law, girlfriend, as well as a female cousin who is a few years older than I) see the situation for what it is, and won't buy into it. But this isn't enough for me anymore.I want them to know me for who I am, and I've never had the opportunity. I've had to cancel TWO separate visits to them because my sister made such a scene when she found out I was coming.

He cares about me very deeply, and that's what is making this so hard. But I know that this is over. It's been dwindling for so long. She may change as she gets older, but I doubt it. I don't think this is going to get better, so where is it going?


I've started a letter. I wont send it right away. I'll let this settle, and I'll wait a little bit and re read it and sort out of my feelings. This is what I've got so far :


D,

This letter is very difficult for me to write. I’m a literature major in school, and despite my aptitude for the English language, I find that there are no good words for what I need to say.

I’ve had contact with you for years now. When I sought you out, I needed something in my life. Something I thought that knowing you and C could give me. I’m glad I did it, and I’ll never tell you that I regret my decision, because I don’t. I’ve come to understand many things about who I was, and who I have become. I can appreciate everything that I have, and understand things that I don’t think I could have comprehended had your identity remained a mystery to me.

Given the rather tumultuous happenings of the past few years, I feel it’s better if our contact is far more limited. I’ve thought about this for years now. I knew it was coming, but I couldn’t accept it. My desire to please you, and never to hurt you overtook my need to be happy. I am no longer happy in this relationship. These issues with E hurt me very deeply. Despite your assurance that she will grow out of it, and that she loves me, I cannot believe that these things are the truth. I don’t believe that biology is the most important factor in a relationship. Except for our common genealogy, she and I are lacking in every other aspect. I want so desperately to fix it. I just want to be accepted by you and your family, and the fact that I cannot do so completely is very painful. My presence in your family, no matter how limited, is clearly doing more harm than good. My immediate questions and curiosities have been fulfilled, but it’s very evident that my long-term presence is harming E, and her outright refusal or inability to accept me speaks volumes. If I had the chance to talk to her, I would explain that this is not a competition. The relationship that she and you have cannot be duplicated, and I have no intention of taking her place, or taking her from you. I never have. I don’t want the relationship that she has with you. It’s not feasible. But this isn’t all about her. My personal sensitivity to any rejection, familial or otherwise, is affecting my ability to handle the situation and not take everything personally. The fact that your family sympathizes with her, and or agrees with her, may hurt more than the actual rejection. I understand that she is “theirs” and they may feel the need to protect her from me, but the very idea that she needs protecting from my existence is very tough for me to hear.

I have thought very, very hard about this decision. I’ve agonized for months, and I’ve finally realized that some distance is needed. I think I’ve gone too far in trying to develop a relationship with her when she has made it clear over and over again that she wants no such thing. Maybe one day she’ll be ready, but until then, I need a break. For myself. I know that you are E are not one entity, but I truly feel that my being around is not doing anyone any good. She feels threatened by me, and she needs to work that out before any of us can have a healthy relationship. I don’t want to disrupt the fragile familial structure that she has worked so hard to maintain, and that’s clearly what she feels I’m doing. I know that it’s difficult for her. Truly I do. But it's not fair that I'm expected to just sit back and be the bigger person until she decides that I'm allowed to be a part of your lives. Let's give her time to figure out what she wants. If and when she is ready to try this again, I’ll be here.

[LasVegasMom]

Amanda,
This letter is very well thought out. I know that as a mother, I only want what is best for all my children, and of course that includes my son. You really do explain yourself quite well here and you are right, you deserve a healthy relationship and lord knows you have tried. Hopefully your bsis will realize you were never really a threat, and that you both have the same blood running through your veins. However, you have every right to end this relationship. And you know what, of course you are hurt by everything that is going on, who wouldn't be? Relationships in the adoption triad can be very difficult, and you have really really worked on making it right. Don't doubt yourself, and really, your bdad had to see this coming. He has probably been dreading this very day, and it hurts alot but it is what it is. I, too, have the need to please my son, not to hurt him, regardless of the cost to my physical well being. I have literally made myself sick over our relationship, so I know how primal the need is to have that closeness with the child you relinquished to adoption. Reunion is complicated, as I am learning, and there are always more people than just the mom-dad-child, there are aunts and uncles and grandparents and siblings, and negotiating all those relationships can be tricky to say the least. I am so so sorry that this is happening to you, and of course it hurts me as a birth mother but you know what your dad should only want the best for you, even if it hurts him. Renegotiate this relationship on your terms, so if you want it just you and him, tell him that, and tell him that for the time being, you will send him an email or give him a call when you want to talk, or to just update him on your life. Eventually, you will find a place that is good for you both. Good luck to you, we are all here for you in this forum always.

[Amandak249]

I'm going to wait until after the holidays are done. I'll be back from Italy mid january, but after that I have a friend from Bolivia staying with me. Once she's gone, I'll send this letter, assuming my feelings are still this strong. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I finally feel like I am.