[Amandak249]

Today, I sent out my gifts to my birth-family for Christmas. I sent gifts to my birth-father and his girlfriend. I have left my sister out completely. Not so much out of spite, and the desire to be cruel ( though I admit I was not feeling particularly giving towards her.) But instead as a quick, if quiet, reminder that you can't treat people like crap and get rewarded.



I wonder, am I obligated to give her something because I am her blood sister? I don't feel so.

[RavenSong]

No, I don't think you're obligated in the least to send a gift to your sister. She's being a jerk... I'd be tempted to send her a sack of coal, lol, if she was my sister!

Seriously, I'm not planning on sending any gifts or even a card to my brother, and we were raised together. He's being a total jerk, really rude...and I would just resent it if I sent him anything.

Just my opinion. But I say, go with your heart and gut instinct...

[winter444]

Hi Amanda,
I know you didn't send anything to your sister out of any kind of spite, you are not obligated to send her anything at all, she's been terrible to you and as you say this will be a quiet reminder to her that she's not going to treat you badly, good for you.

I always second guess myself, should I have done this, done that, but we do know deep down what's right and wrong.

[Amandak249]

It makes me feel awesome, which makes me wonder my intentions


I hope my bfather will not take offense to this. He may see this as childish..

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

It makes me feel awesome, which makes me wonder my intentions


I hope my bfather will not take offense to this. He may see this as childish..

I think you feel awesome because you are taking control of the situation and setting an appropriate boundary in that you are not rewarding someone for abusing you. So you are no longer going to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat.

If you bfather takes offense and sees it as childish, you can simply explain that you are no longer going to reward the abusive behavior of your sister, and as she has clearly indicated that she wants no relationship, it would make no sense to send her a gift. You've tried (and tried, and tried) taking the "high road" in the past. It hasn't worked. Now it's time to change the tune. You are a reasonable person, and I'm sure if your sister made some effort to reach out to you in a healthy manner, you would try to make amends (assuming it wouldn't be too little too late). If anything, your bdad should see your SISTER as being childish, not to mention grossly inappropriate and abusive, and take steps to confront this issue head on, rather than put the onus on YOU to keep taking whatever she dishes out.

It may turn out that a break is really in order if your sister and bdad are so enmeshed that it is impossible to have a separate relationship. Perhaps you can revisit having a deeper relationship down the road when your sister matures (assuming she does) and/or your bdad grows a spine and stops allowing her to treat you like crap and manipulate him.

[Amandak249]

I had a discussion with my birthfather today. It ended up with me in tears, and he had no idea what to do .

Essentially, I was told that his family always sides with my bsister because they are closer with her, and that just as my adoptive family will agree with me because I am part of their family, his brother and nieces and nephews and mother are sympathetic with my sister.

My birth, according to my grandmother, was an embaressement to the family ( my bfather and bmother are...of extremely different socioeconomic backgrounds.) My bgrandmother had a lot of problems with my adoption from the beginning, and it distresses her that she :lost a grandchild: and seeing me or hearing from me has always caused her a lot of pain. My reunion with them has caused my bsister stress, and they think that my bfather should be more concerned with my bsisters feelings than my own. He tried to reassure me with the scenario that if I ever needed a place to stay, his brother and mother would take me in and treat me "like gold," because we're related.

What?!?

I asked if there was anything I could do. Could I talk to them and try and work it out? He said no, all I had to do was not let it bother me. I could see them again, and make an impression on them.


My bsister is jealous, he told me . And she only pretends to be angry with me because it gives her leverage with my bfather. I don't understand this logic.


This is too much. I like him, but this is so painful. I think it's best we go our separate ways. I appreciate all that he's done for me. I appreciate his situation, and I respect him. But I can't put myself through this anymore.

I'm going to try and get out with whatever dignity I have left. Even if none of this is personal, and everyone is just reacting to my bsister's pain, I cannot help but feel rejected and hurt. Why should I stay in this relationship if it hurts me so?

I know that putting a distance in this relationship will hurt my bfather very much. He has told me that it will. He has told me that he won't allow me to pull out of the relationship and that he loves me. But how can he expect me to just..lay down and take the abuse?
Even with non contact with my bsister, I cannot help but feel very distraught that I am not accepted by my bfamily, even if its only because of one teenager. I'm sensitive to any rejection from them, and I'm so sorry it had to be this way. I'm hurting. I'm not happy in this relationship anymore. It's given me many good things, and a lot of understanding my adoption, but at the end of the day, especially now, it's giving me more pain than it's worth.

I don't want to hurt him. I am so sad. But... I feel trapped. I've disrupted their lives. I am causing problems. Why should I stay? I'm so sorry. I am so sorry for all of this.


I'm going to Italy in a few days, and I'll be in and out of Europe until late January. But I think that sometime in between then, I'm going to write him a letter. God , I feel so guilty, it kills me it truly does,but I feel like I have to do whats right for me, instead of worrying about everyone else all the time( I am very prone to this)


I am so sorry. I didn't want all of this to happen. I didn't want to hurt my bsister, or any of them.

[cksmom]

OMG, Amanda!! Awful!! He won't "let" you pull out of the relationship but yet expects you to be treated as the second class family member? WTH? that makes me SO MAD!!! Your sister is a brat that knows how to manipulate the whole family and they continue to coddle her because she is a teenager. crazy!

I think it's great for you to be traveling for the next few weeks. Hopefully, that will be a distraction for you. You have to know that they way they are and the way they are treating you is terrible and has NOTHING to do with you. It's all them! Please do what is best for YOU.

I'm really sorry! I hope you have a wonderful trip, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

[Amandak249]

When he says he wont let me , I'm sure it means that he desperately doesn't want me to. I'm not a child, so he can't force me into anything. That's what makes this so hard for me.I can't bear to hurt anybody.

[winter444]

Hi Amanda,
My stomach turned while I was reading what happened today. I want to scream!!!!!

Your dad's family always side with her and are sympathetic....WHAT!!!!!!????? that says a lot really, doesn't matter if she's so cruel to you and abusive, that's okay as they are closer to her!!!!! she should be told by them to stop!!!
I cannot fathom this way of thinking and you are hurting so badly.
My bmom will not speak of me and two of my 1/2 siblings will have nothing to do with me because they are siding with her, siding.....how ridiculous, it should never come to that. It hurts to the core though and I know the pain you are in.
As time goes by I can only hope you have some peace from this, you have done nothing wrong, keep telling yourself that.
Are you supposed to cave in and contact your sister again because of this situation? NO!! for your sanity you have to think about yourself, we can't control other people however infuriating they are and they make no sense.
This is so difficult for you, I am glad you are off to Italy for a while, how great is that!!! Wish I was going!!
Take a break from all this.
I know he is your dad but for crying out loud, why he just cannot tell your sister the way it should be is beyond me but there are many people like that, my bmom included!
Go to Italy and look after yourself, that's really all we can do, know that we are all here for you. I know this will be on your mind, hard to let it go, but take a break for Xmas. Many, many hugs to you.

[winter444]

Okay, me again.
Meant to mention....I know you don't want to hurt anybody but you know what...you are hurting.
I was the exact same way, should I say this/that because I don't want to hurt bmom, I hope she's okay, etc etc. I really had to tell myself, hey I am hurting!!
Nobody asked me if I was okay. I had such headaches from it all!
You are saying how you feel and should be allowed to do so, again you have been and are doing nothing wrong.

[dpen6]

Amanda,

just a few thoughts running through my mind on this situation.

I think you need to write down alll you want to say to your bfather and his fmaily. But keep it all about you , not that you are being selfish but you want to keep it aloof. Example: " I don't think I can keep up this relationship(for the time being) because it hurts me terribley to think I have caused so much disruption to your family. The fact that I was an embarrasment is in of it self humaliting to me and I don't desrve it. Understandly your daughter is much to young to get the jist of adult relationships, I will no longer allow myself to be hurt by her or anyone else that is unable to give me the respect and consideration that I deserve .....not only because I am a human being but because I am also of the same blood. No better, but def. no worse. And until I can be considered an equal in the deserving of respect thing..this friendship will have to take a rest."

Don't drive yourself crazy over it. It is not worth your self respect. Get what you need for information but hearing what I an hearing(reading?) this is not a good situation. Yes, your bfather may feel bad but you are feeling worse while you continue to take the abuse. He will still have his family that don't care enough about you, you need to regain some power over how others treat you. This is NOT a competiton, don't allow them to act like it is. The situations between his very young raised daughter and you as an adult, raised by someone else can not be compared. The fact that they are trying is absurb. You can not go in and be a daughter in every sense of the word. To much time and lufe has been lost. When in fact they realize your not trying to be daughter of the year and just want a friendship with no ownership over dad they maybe they will realx but I would NOT beg or crawl to them.

You are WAY to good for that.

[LasVegasMom]

I am a birth mother, and my son has cut off contact with me, at least for now. I have emailed him, texted him, and called him with silence from his end. This is not how I envisioned our reunion-its only been 1 year. As for your b-sister, you should absolutely not take her abuse and you are right in cutting off contact with her. I would, however, think very hard before cutting off contact with your bdad. I would explain to him your reasons as to why you are cutting off contact with your b-sis and then tell him that yes things may be strained but you still want a relationship with him. I know it is hard to separate them, but they are in fact separate people. Your bsis is obviously immature and nobody is stopping her from her poor behavior. She is old enough to at least try a relationship with you just because of your dad. I don't know what to say about her, but I do know that as a birthmother, I treasure my relationship with my son (still hoping we will have one again), and I will never ever give up on him. Give your dad the chance to work it out, but don't give up on him! Just a birthmother's opinion..

[LasVegasMom]

ok, i read more of these posts. You have done nothing wrong, nothing at all. If you feel, for your own sanity, that you need to pull out of the relationship, then do it. If you feel like your bdad is not sticking up for you, if you feel slighted, then tell him that, and tell him you want to take a break from the relationship. Just be open and honest with him, be up front, and if this is what you really want, then do it. If my son actually told me he wanted a break (he told me nothing), I would still at least email him from time to time, just to let him know I am thinking of him. I would think that is what your dad means by saying he won't let you take a break-sounds like maybe he is afraid to lose you, which all birthparents in reunion fear. However,you should be your #1 priority, remember that, you have done nothing wrong here, and somehow everything will eventually work out. Go to Italy, and have a great holiday.

[Amandak249]

I was actually going to ask for a birthparents opinion on this.. I am very curious to see what kind of feedback I would receive.

I still haven't 100% made up my mind. I'm really hurt, and I know myself well enough to know that my emotions will sometimes dictate my actions, and that's rarely healthy.


I have and will continue to think very hard about this. It's a drastic step, and I wonder if because the emotions are raw, I could be making a big decision based on the wrong things.


I just feel like this relationship isn't going anywhere. Where is this leading? All I can do is wait until they are ready to love me. Well you know what? I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to have to wait and wait and wait because some people are incapable of disciplining their child. This is a big issue for me, and to learn that even the extended family things badly of me because of my manipulative bsister...that just plucked a deeper vein of grief.


I can imagine it must be hard for a birthparent to read this. I don't want to cut off contact..I just don't see any other solution that will save me some of my dignity and respect. I have been dealing with this girl for YEARS. It's just too much. Clearly my presence is doing more harm than good.

[JustPeachy]

I would try to enjoy the trip to Italy, and don't worry about making a firm decision one way or another until the holidays are over. Just have fun and enjoy yourself, and don't let this issue overwhelm you right now. It will only spoil your vacation, which sounds fabulous!

I am sorry your bdad upset you so. It is hard for me to believe he actually can justify the way your bsibling treats you! There is NO excuse for that. None. I realize he has to be concerned for your bsisters feelings, but that doesn't mean he has to tolerate her abuse of you, and he also should be concerned for your feelings, too. To tell you your reunion has brought everyone so much stress and pain, well, that is a slap in the face! How can he possibly justify your bsister's behavior toward you, espeically slamming a car door on your leg on purpose?!? He (and she) should feel lucky you didn't file assault charges against her, honestly. It seems as though he is making you the scapegoat here (what I was afraid of), and letting your sibling get off the hook completely. I think he is really risking losing you because of this attitude, and I don't blame you for being upset (I'm a birthmom, by the way).

You know, I think I would give this more thought (again, after vacation, if you can try to put it out of your mind for a bit), figure out what YOU would like from bdad, set those boundaries, and if he cannot respect them, then to heck with it. If, for instance, you said, "listen bdad, here's how I would like our relationship to progress and this is what I can give, and this is what I will not tolerate" and lay out what the terms are, and if he cannot respect that or at least meet you half-way, then that will be unfortuantely his loss.

One last thing: do you think your bdad would be amenable to counseling or mediation of some kind? Maybe it would be helpful if the two of you could sit down and talk this out with someone. Assuming you want to put the effort into it and still try to have a relationship, that is.

Sorry you are going throught this. It must really hurt.