[gwtexas]

After 35 years of life and never giving it much more than a passing thought, today I decided to read a little bit about the psychology of adoption. What I read was both shocking and inspiring. Shocking because I realized that all of these problems I have might be due to my adoptee status. Inspiring because(at least I hope) maybe now I can do something about it. My education on the subject has just begun and so I thought I'd try to find some people who are going through the same things who might already have answers to my questions(hence this forum). After my initial enlightenment that many other adoptees are experiencing the same issues as me, my question is-What can be done? Am I doomed to bear this scar for life? Or can I be saved?

[lglysson]

What did you read? A book or webpage? I am a birthmom and would like to learn more about the adptee experience.
Blessings

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by gwtexas

Shocking because I realized that all of these problems I have might be due to my adoptee status. Inspiring because(at least I hope) maybe now I can do something about it. After my initial enlightenment that many other adoptees are experiencing the same issues as me, my question is-What can be done? Am I doomed to bear this scar for life? Or can I be saved?

I'm a bit confused because you say that throughout your life you've given barely a thought to your adopted status ... which makes me think it wasn't a big deal for you, didn't cause you a huge amount of emotional pain ... yet you think it might be the explanation for "all these problems".

I guess it depends on what your problems are ... sometimes we carry scars from experiences and don't realize how it impacts our choices, fears, etc. Perhaps some of your problems have genetic origins - things that end up happening just because of the personality traits you inherited.

I just struggle with the disconnect I'm seeing between "never giving it much more than a passing thought" and the idea that you're scarred for life... the first statement says it's never mattered much and the second statement says you wonder if you'll ever escape the tragedy of it.

[gwtexas]

The problems I was referring to are things like insecurity, failed relationships, low self esteem, etc.. I never had any idea that all of these things could be somehow related to the fact that I am adopted. I have never known why I had these problems and always just assumed they were some sort of personal flaw that was somehow my fault. To learn that many other adoptees suffer from the exact same problems led me to believe that it could all be subconsiously tied to my adoption. As for my life otherwise, it has been pretty good. My a parents are pretty close to perfect and I have no complaints about my upbringing. I think the good upbringing and normal family life made me stay away from the adoption issue when trying to personally deal with these problems. I mean I just never had any idea that the two could possibly be connected.

[gwtexas]

My reading was from the internet

[agathaj]

Have you read Primal Wound?

[Foundoutat50]

Ahh, yes, you're describing just the sorts of issues that some adoptees have. Within our home there are two adoptees. The one who stumbled on the truth mid-life didn't have insecurity or low self-esteem problems (me) while the one who grew up knowing about being adopted did have them. The one who grew up knowing about being adopted says no one should have to learn by stumbling onto the information (as I did) but on the other hand, it's a hard truth to deal with while growing up. You also have to consider that the personality you inherited could contribute to having feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

Since I can't change the past, I have to accept that my b-mom made a decision that gave me a better chance than anything she could foresee at that time. She didn't give me "away", she saw what her circumstances were and she gave me "a better chance". It had nothing to do with me in terms of my worth - had I been cuter, smaller, bigger, male instead of female, different colouring, she still would have made the same decision.

How do you feel about trying to find out information about your adoption?

Some folks have recommended Primal Wound, others haven't cared for it. I haven't read it but I'm going to request it from the public library and read it over the holidays. Mostly, it's about you - how do you deal best with working through issues: is reading and processing information going to help you think and work through some of your issues or would you be better off with counselling? Whether these problems stem from not being kept by your b-mother or from your own personality or from experiences you've had, trying counselling might be a step in overcoming them. In the end, we have to do the best with the cards we're dealt.

[cetalley]

WITH, foundoutat50......She is right , one can either learn from their upbringing and the "cards we are dealt", by becoming better, more compassionate person, whom lives life to the fullest, or we can choose to continue the same path, and do nothing! I am a firstmom, whom was given NO CHOICE. I can only pray and hope MY ACTIONS , had no bad effects on my twin sons. I cannot change my nightmare, but I most definately learned from it...I never had ANY more children, I was 25 at the time. Please be thankful you had a great life and wonderful parents, and try to build from there. Keep coming we would love to hear more !

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by Foundoutat50

I'm a bit confused because you say that throughout your life you've given barely a thought to your adopted status ... which makes me think it wasn't a big deal for you, didn't cause you a huge amount of emotional pain ... yet you think it might be the explanation for "all these problems".

I guess it depends on what your problems are ... sometimes we carry scars from experiences and don't realize how it impacts our choices, fears, etc. Perhaps some of your problems have genetic origins - things that end up happening just because of the personality traits you inherited.

I just struggle with the disconnect I'm seeing between "never giving it much more than a passing thought" and the idea that you're scarred for life... the first statement says it's never mattered much and the second statement says you wonder if you'll ever escape the tragedy of it.

Some people do not realize how adoption has been the "root" of many problems in their lives until they read or hear that many adoptees have gone through the same thing.
We know instinctively there is something "not right" about us, but do not have our lightbulb moment until we hear of others reactions.
I TOTALLY get it. Even at the age of 43, I am discovering how my adoption has impacted the way I handle relationships...good and bad.
There is no right or wrong way to feel-everyone's thoughts and or discovery process is different.

[LMNGambino]

Its amazing, isn't it?
I would suggest 3 books for you to read:
"25 things adopted children wished their adopted parents knew",
"Primal Wound", and "The girls who went away"

All of these books helped me to realize I am NOT crazy, as they point out the similarities most adoptees share.
I am STILL coming to terms with how my adoption has impacted my life, both the good and bad, and trying to take a proactive approach towards my healing. I think I will be healing for the rest of my life, but Im trying...and it does get better!

[gwtexas]

Thanks for the suggested reading. I will definitely be getting all three.