[beenthereb4]

Hi there

This is my first message - hi to you all - have been reading heaps of other postings to get a feel for how things work.

My situation is this: My partner was adopted out at birth - he knows he went to a foster home for ?? weeks and then was adopted by his parents and joined a family of 3 other adopted boys. He has always known and had family support should he choose to look into his adoption. He has known the names of his birth parents.

He received a letter from both birth parents (seperately) about 20 years ago but was not in the right space to deal with what could happen should he respond and open theis big can of worms.

We had been looking through the internet during the last 12 months with the intention of making contact with both parents - mainly birth mother. We tracked down (very easily) some information about the birth father but did not take this any further. Until about 6 weeks ago he passed away and we read this in the newspaper. My partner made contact with the funeral director and was put in touch with the son - half brother to my partner. He was happy for the contact and altough he was unaware of my partner's existance was not surprised. These 2 talked during the week and we had hoped to travel for the funeral. This did not eventuate due to family and work commitments. My partner is accepting of the fact that he no longer has the opportunity to meet his birth father but is pleased to have heard so much about him and understand some of his own traits.

It was through this connection with my partner's half birth brother that he told us where the birth mother was and what name she now is known by.

It took me about 2 minutes to track her down. I sent an email through a website and advised I was looking for a person name ***** who was born **** in **** and would be keen to know if she was able to assist.

Anxiety got the better of me and after no reply I decided to call one day and follow up on the email. She answered the phone - I introduced myself and mentioned I had sent an email. She said she had received this and had also replied and was very open agreed this was her. I told her I was helping someone to locate her and I would now pass on the details for that person to make direct contact if she was open to this- she replied by saying "it;'s one of my children isn't it" At that point I did confirm and asked her how she would like to contact to happen. My partner was with me when I made this call but was not ready to speak with her at that time. She asked for a letter. His mother (a/mother) took very ill the next day and we were throwen back to normality dealing with this. The following week I received emails from this lady saying she was desperate to have this contact and would like me to email a photo -I did. The emails continued from her, which I replied to and acknowledged the adoption that I was part of within my own family. I told her although I was not adopted I could relate as my mother had adopted her first son and we reunited when he was an adult.

She asked for my partner to call her as she was not prepared to wait any longer for a letter - even after I told her that his mother was ill and this had distracted him - he was raised in an awesome loving and supportive family and loves his mother to bits.

That was 6 weeks ago - since then she has called, emailed, and built a relationship with me and my partner. She sent him a card for his birthday and he sent her one for hers a week later. We have also received calls from her other child (a daughter born to the same father 1 year later).

This was all very exciting and quite open but from where I am now it appears to have been too much too soon ... She calls him "Son" and he called her "Mum" ... she came her last weekend to meet with us - but as soon as it was arranged with me (and him) that she would come she has excluded me and made direct contact with him. She demanded he collect her and spend time alone. She arrived to our house and although she acknowledged me when she arrived and said "hello" the communication after that point was very scarce with me.

She wanted to come to us to see what her "Son" is like in his own environment and understand who he is in normal day to day activities. However, she got drunk on Friday night, and started acting in a manner I feel is inappropriate. She would cuddle him, she would run her hands down the sides of his face and kiss him whilst telling him "i love you" this continued through to 3am - I had gone to bed as I was not being included in any conversation and when I was talking with my Partner she would sulk and wonder away - hence he would run after her so she was not alone.

This level of interaction continued - even when he was asleep on Saturday morning she went into our bedroom and woke him. By this time I had left the house and taken my son to sport. They came to watch the game, but again there was only communication with my partner. She excluded me and my children (not her grandchildren).

Even when my partner went to have a rest in the afternoon, she sat outside and did not want to come and make conversation with me. I tried to open conversation but was either ignored or received a cold response.

I decided that our planned dinner out was best for the 2 of them rather then the 3 of us. I advised my partner that this would be better to enable them more time together. I told him I was not feeling part of this - and I accept to a degree that I am not equal here - but I do not expect to be treated in such a way that I am no longer made welcome in our own home.

I made sure I told my partner very little at the time other then I was feeling the way I was and that we can talk about it later but for now they needed to spend this precious time talking about what they needed to. My partner was upset as he admited he was so caught up in her needs that he put his own and ours aside - thats another issue we have worked through - but he did make her aware of how I felt. She confronted me - without apologising - and said she was just over excited but did not intend to exclude me. They went out for dinner.

On sunday morning - again she had the opportunity to talk with and my children had she wanted to - but she choose to stay in her room until my partner came out and she was right behind him - he was the only one allowed to go the airport with her -

But as soon as he came back home - he had a huge sigh of relief. He said he felt pressured and that although she gave birth to him she is not the mum that raised him and taught him all that makes him a man, father, partner, neighbour, friend, etc that he is today - all the things she did not see as she kept him isolated from the rest of the world.

We both admit that in the excitment leading up to the meeting, we possibly gave too much and now want to retract this - he does not want to refer to her as "Mum" and he is not comfortable being called "Son" by her.

We are getting married next year - and she has sown the seed (or planted the **** tree) to make sure we know she (and her husband, and daughter, and step children and grandchildren) expect to be there as FAMILY.

She has texted him and said how much she loves him, she has emailed me and told me that if she acted inappropriately then she apologies. Neither of us have replied yet as we are unsure how to reply and set the record straight. She has advised me by email today that she wants to come back down before xmas with her husband.

I feel she is the mother in law that we wish we did not have to deal with - although I have commited to treating her like I woud anyone else in my life with respect and also respect the choice my partner makes.

He agrees with me that she was overpowering and dominating, and it upset him when she asked to be taken to meet his mother - the mother she knows is really ill at the moment and would not be able to cope with the possible confrontation of meeting her - and why!!!

There are questions he needs answers to;
1) why was he adopted yet she had another child 1 year later to the same person (who was married) and chose to keep this child -
2) did she ever keep in contact with him through his family
3) was he ever mentioned to his sister whilst she was growing up
4) .........

I would welcome any suggestions you may have to help us understand this more and suggestions of how to slow this down and have her as someone in our lives but not as a mother - he already has one.

[LMNGambino]

No offense, but this is his mother, not yours. Although you want to help him through this, he may have different ideas on what he really wants to do and is not verbalizing them with you.
I just met my siblings, and I wanted NO ONE with me. Just me and them. Not my children, not my partner- no one.
If there are boundaries she is crossing, he needs to be the one to tell her, not anyone else. I agree her behavior is a bit much and inappropriate, but unfortunately, it is not uncommon.
I highly suggest he be the one to let her know how he wants things, and what is appropriate. If you do it, she will probably not believe that is what her son wants.

[belleinblue1978]

I concur with LMN. This is his thing and no one else's. I know you want to help, but he is the one establishing the relationship and he needs to set up boundaries.

The first question.... actually, pretty simple answer to that for most I think, women who place their children don't have static lives. But she'd need to answer that for herself as well....

[beenthereb4]

Thanks for the quick replies - I agree this is his thing but I am only invovled as he has asked me to be and in a previous relationship he had no support - I have told him I will stay as a silent partner and support him but he has said that he would not do this if I was not doing it with him - I also agree with LMN that there may be feelings he is not verbalizing with me - but when you say this is his thing how do I support him if I cant help him when he wants it??

Should I respond to her emails?

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by beenthereb4

Thanks for the quick replies - I agree this is his thing but I am only invovled as he has asked me to be and in a previous relationship he had no support - I have told him I will stay as a silent partner and support him but he has said that he would not do this if I was not doing it with him - I also agree with LMN that there may be feelings he is not verbalizing with me - but when you say this is his thing how do I support him if I cant help him when he wants it??

Should I respond to her emails?

I think it is awesome you are so supportive. So many of us adoptees have difficulties finding that "safe place" with others when it comes to this stuff.
I think she is trying to "bait" you in a way, and if it were me, I would tell her she needs to only contact him.
He will share her emails with you, Im sure, and you can figure out a response together. I suspect (and I hope Im not right) she could also try and put a wedge between you and your partner, and make him "choose sides", per se.
By having only him respond to her will make it perfectly clear to her.
Good luck- reunion can sometimes be a scary place for all involved.

[beenthereb4]

Thanks - I feel so greatful to be able to talk with someone who can be objective over this - I agree there are emotions running wild and there needs be a "safe place"

Thank you also for the suggestion that I ask her to contact him only. This will be more help to us as I can see she is certainly tryin to build a wedge - a comment she made was relating to her and step son having a disagreement with her daughter and she said "I think it is his partner with the issue as most issues with sons and mothers are only caused by their partner"

This rang alarm bells and told me this is her not so subtle way of telling me where I stand - or where she wants me to be. This was very early on in the weekend.

My partner feels the same way that she may be trying to clear her own demons by her implying he should not be with a women who makes him happy until she is happy again after processing the whole adoption thing - mothers ah, no women is ever good enough for their sons!!!

Thanks again - this has been wonderful

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by beenthereb4

Thanks for the quick replies - I agree this is his thing but I am only invovled as he has asked me to be and in a previous relationship he had no support - I have told him I will stay as a silent partner and support him but he has said that he would not do this if I was not doing it with him - I also agree with LMN that there may be feelings he is not verbalizing with me - but when you say this is his thing how do I support him if I cant help him when he wants it??

Should I respond to her emails?

You can support him by being present when he wants you to be, by giving him the lead in terms of speaking to her about his feelings and if he hands it over to you, picking up the conversation. He should feel supported if you are there every step of the way without making you the one to do all the communicating.

As for Christmas and other family events, if you don't establish right away that you and your partner and whatever children you have together or separately are a family unto itself with established traditions, you will find yourselves giving over control. Before another day goes by, you have to let her know that you have long-standing commitments (even if it's just to have the day for your own little family) without specifying exactly what they are. Don't be precise about WHAT you are doing or with WHOM, just that you have plans.

At some point, yes, it is his b-mom but I don't think it would be out of line for you (on a one-time only basis) to tell her that you were all thankful to have had the opportunity to have the reunion but that it's a lot to process and a bit of time and space might benefit their long-term relationship. It could come as being a helpful, friendly suggestion from someone who wants to see things work out well. Reunions can end disasterously if each person isn't sensitive to the other's feeling - including recognizing the need for breathing space.

[melissa_bear003]

While I agree that this is his bmom, and he needs to lead the way in the relationship, I'd also have a very hard time with being disrespected and ignored in my own home. It wouldn't have cost anyone a nickel to be polite, respond to conversations, etc. I think you handled the situation very very well, and your partner is blessed to have you.

As to the future...follow his lead. He needs to do whatever he's comfortable with, and if pulling back is part of it, then it simply is, and needs to happen.

I wish you both the best

[bumblebeeskies]

This post reminds me of something I have been thinking for some time...Reunion is so hard. People often have no idea how to act, what to say/not say, what is too much, too fast, not enough, etc. There is no guide book to reunion. Rarely does anyone have life experience to guage what is write/wrong, normal/unnormal. Any number of your friends and family members can give insightful suggestions and tell you the steps to take in planning for a wedding. But who in our lives can we ask, "how to have a reunion". Most likely, no one. There isn't even a decent book to get ideas from.

My point is, maybe his bmom came on to strong, maybe she wants too much of his time. Of course you have to set boundaries. However, I think you have to say it in the gentlest way possible. Come to it with the mindset that she just didn't know.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Unfortunately, she cannot read minds, she can only go by what she sees and hears. What she saw while at your house was that her words and actions were welcomed and not only acceptable, but appreciated. What your partner told you was that he was feeling something entirely different. He's being dishonest with one of you- either with her by his actions or with you by his words.

It's pretty easy to fall into the trap of people pleasing- of being who you think each person wants you to be while with them. It takes a bit of gumption to take a deep breath and speak truths that may be hard to hear (whether for you, for his birth mother or his adoptive mom). It can be really hard to do this in the beginning because it can take a bit for his head to stop swimming and to even figure out what he wants. I would encourage him to do his best not to switch roles back and forth, but to decide his central truth, with what level of relationship he is currently comfortable and what boundaries he wishes respected.

Then, he has to communicate those clearly. She can't be expected to just know without being clearly told, especially when he seemed to accept and reciprocate everything she said and did. I haven't been through it myself, but from the many awesome birth/first moms here, I know it can be difficult to deal with the overwhelming rush of emotions on reuniting with their children, and especially difficult to know what's okay and not okay in terms of affection and place in the family. What's really frustrating is lack of communication and mixed messages. Help her with this.

I saw my son do a bit of this in reunion (do one thing/say another) and it really frustrated me. I wanted him to be honest and share the same truth with both of us- not give me what he thought I wanted and do the same for her. I wanted him to own himself and have the courage to be honest with everyone regarding the same truth all around, whether it was hard for her or for me, I just wanted honest communication. But it was hard for him not to do this as a coping mechanism for feeling in the middle.

As for the wedding, I would hope you would decide together whom you are comfortable inviting and on what terms. That's your decision as a couple and no one else's to impose on your for any reason.

You can acknowledge that this is a difficult and confusing position for him to be in and that it will be hard to work out. You can ask for what you expect as a partner in terms of respectful behavior in your home and in his relationships. You can tell him you'll be his cheering section, but not his ambassador.

Don't get suckered into being the go-between. It will likely result in one or both of them getting angry with you. I fielded a phone call from my son's biological mom where she wanted my affirmation and agreement with the requests she was making of him and I had to just keep repeating that it was between the two of them to work out and not for me to affirm or oppose. I had to repeat this several times. After you deflect things back to between them a few times, they'll get it.

[zxczxcasdasd]

....best wishes in working this all out, congrats on your upcoming wedding, and do please keep us updated. Reunion is usually a process...not an event. It takes working out. Hang in there.

[bakerjw]

It is a 2 way street and both sides have to have clear ground rules in place. To do that takes communication.

It also takes time and needs to go slow. It sounds like things went very quickly which usually means too quickly.

As already advised, keep to the side, don't get caught in the middle, and be supportive.

Best wishes.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by bakerjw

To do that takes communication.

It also takes time and needs to go slow. It sounds like things went very quickly which usually means too quickly.

As already advised, keep to the side, don't get caught in the middle, and be supportive.

Best wishes.

Hello to all, I thought I might chime in and say, that as a Firstmom, I have to agree with Bakerjw...both side ( firstmom and son) have to have clear ground rules. I also feel that the meeting should have been in a place that was mutual...(i.e...restaurnt, cafe, or coffee shop. But I also feel that this reunion has moved entirely too fast. I know, I have waited 22 yrs, but if and when I find my twin son , this reunion will go at a very slow pace, even though I would love nothing more than to meet them yesterday! I also think alcohol in a new reunion is not at all wise. I would end by saying...this is your partner/significant other, and I understan he WANTS you there, but it can nott be this way. Please take no offense...as a firstmom, when and if I get to meet, I do not want others involved and i do not want my husband to be there. This is about alot of sensitive, personal emotions and questions ...not a time for "meet my partner and kids" , these emotions and questions, along with guilt and grief, have been inplace way befor our significant other families. I think you are so wonderful to worry about your mate, but if he needs to back off for a while...HE needs to tell her so, and under no circumstances should this bet let go. But I implore him, to not just STOP communication, for this is devastating to either part of this triad....I mean no offense, and congrats on your wedding...who knows maybe by the time the nuptials will be said...you will all be in better places...as a firstmom, I am saddened each day of all the special occasions I have missed in my twins lives, but utimately it is YOUR day..so good luck, keep coming, we are here to listen...

[beenthereb4]

Hi All

Thanks so much for the support - my partner and I sat and read through the threads together and he is also greatful - I have since replied to bmom email and advised that myintention was onloy ever to asssist to locate and help them and now my job is done I will step back and leave future contact for the 2 of them. I felt such relief when I did this.

My partner has also decided to write and advise what things he would like answers to iin order for him to process through - he is aware she may not want to give him the answers, or like the answers he gets but at least this is something he is doing for himself.

I agree this happened very quickly (as she drove this) and she could not afford to stay in a motel and wanted to see him in his own environment rather then a mutal place - what we now need to do is slow the momentum down - hindsight is a great thing!!!

Thanks to all

[RavenSong]

Every reunion is so different, it's hard to advise at times. Some reunions include immediate family members, like siblings, husbands, wives, or partners. Others', like mine, are between just the birthmom and grown child. It's been my experience that most birthmoms, and often adoptees too, want the initial few months to be just between them. But I've met a lot of birthmoms and adoptees who have included other family members. Many times, the adoptive parents are part of the initial reunion. My own son's parents were there for the first face-to-face meeting, and they welcomed me into their home and family.

After the initial face-to-face meeting, usually get-togethers included just my son and myself for the first few months. Then other members of my family started getting together with DS on their own timetables. His birthdad was brought into the equation about a year after we reunited.

I know that almost everyone here on the forums believes that reunion should go very slowly. My son and I did not go slowly, and things turned out fine. We have been back in each others' lives for almost 19 years now. (We both had a couple years to prepare for reunion, though. We started corresponding thru letters when he was around 16 years old, and we knew that we would reunite when he turned 18 years old.)

I think the most important thing in reunions is to use good communication skills. Honesty, respect, and a willingness to see things from the other person's viewpoint all go a long way, IMO.

Reunion is a lot of give and take. It does take a while for people to discover their own rhythms. People often liken reunion to a rollercoaster ride. In my own life, I think of it more like surfing the ocean waves. As any surfer knows, you learn to respond almost instinctively to the wave's twists and turns. It's a lot like that in reunion...