[Sis84]

Hello, again.
In my last post, I stated that I live with an all white family. I have picked up many things from them.
Whenever I am around African Americans, I am teased about the way I talk and how I present myself with manners. My mother and I had a recent discussion about how I have been avoiding African Americans lately. I don't mean to act as if I am a racist. But ever since I found out that I was adopted at age 6, I've wanted to be like my family members. Is this wrong of me? My mother informed me that she thinks I am racist for acting the way I have been around other African Americans. How can I put it, I don't want to be like my African American heritage. I love the way that God made me! Has anyone else felt this way about their heritage? Growing up, my parents taught me things about my African American heritage, but instead I ignored it all.
Thanks again.

[kakuehl]

Hi, my dear. I can't really answer your question. I am caucasion and a birth mother. The children I raised each has a biracial child. I have always taught my children that it is the person that counts, not the color of the skin. I think the main thing is for you to be who you are. One of my colleagues is an African American who is trained in classical music,that's the kind of music he loves (He certainly doesn't fit the stereotype!). I do think you will only be complete if you are comfortable with your African American heritage as well as the heritage of your "white" family.

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by Sis84

Hello, again.
In my last post, I stated that I live with an all white family. I have picked up many things from them.
Whenever I am around African Americans, I am teased about the way I talk and how I present myself with manners. My mother and I had a recent discussion about how I have been avoiding African Americans lately. I don't mean to act as if I am a racist. But ever since I found out that I was adopted at age 6, I've wanted to be like my family members. Is this wrong of me? My mother informed me that she thinks I am racist for acting the way I have been around other African Americans. How can I put it, I don't want to be like my African American heritage. I love the way that God made me! Has anyone else felt this way about their heritage? Growing up, my parents taught me things about my African American heritage, but instead I ignored it all.
Thanks again.

I don't see how not wanting to spend time with people who disrespect you is being racist. Why would anyone want to spend time with people that make fun of the way you act and talk? Seems to me, that expecting you to act and talk a certain way simply because of your skin colour is a form of racism/discrimination.

Now, that being said, avoiding all African American people out of fear they'd act the same way isn't healthy either so you need to work on a balance.

I can relate, somewhat. My husband is of First Nations heritage. He was raised by a single Caucasian woman. In meeting his birth family, he was told he acted 'too white'. Marrying a 'white woman' just confirmed to them that he wasn't really 'Native'. I know how hard it can be, from being married to him, to have people of your own heritage demand you act/talk/live a certain way or you aren't accepted.

I'll give you the same advice that he would, if he were a member here. Be YOU, and whoever doesn't like or accept YOU isn't worth your time...regardless of their skin colour.

[einigkeit]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I do think you will only be complete if you are comfortable with your African American heritage as well as the heritage of your "white" family.

I don't think this is a true statement at all. A person's sense of "completeness" should not stem from anything but pride in who they are as a PERSON, not as a member of this culture or that culture. And why is white in quotes but AA isn't?

I am a transracial adoptee, also biracial and I have never found any sense of belonging or community with AAs. I don't HATE blacks, but I don't go out of my way to make friends with them, either. The lifestyle that I lead (I'm a rock musician) doesn't take me around too many AAs, so there you go.

But no, it is not racist for you to distance yourself from people you don't feel comfortable with, especially if you have next to nothing in common with them. I see no reason why transracial adoptees who have any percentage of AA in their background should feel they HAVE to identify as AA or at least have to learn to "behave" like an AA. All these shoulds and should nots stem from the very old (and very racist) ONE-DROP RULE. But now it means "if you have black in you, then you should at least ACT black". At least, this is my experience as a Mediterranean-looking transracial adoptee.

[lacymarie]

I can't even believe what I am reading. I am a biracial woman. I embrace my culture because it feels good. If your parents were African American, I'm sure you wouldn't feel this way. I think its an identity issue. You have met a few ignorant African Americans and have decided that although you are black you will pretend that you aren't. LOL That just cracks me up. No matter what you do or how you talk or how you dress, you are African American honey. That's what makes us so wonderful, we come in all shades and backgrounds. And as far as the statement of " I don't hate AA's but I don't go out of my way to make friends with them", All that I can say to that is WOW. In 2009 color still matters. It just dawned on me just how far behind our society is.

[mann_mary79]

Sis84...I also am a biracial woman adopted by a caucasian family. I know that it's HARD trying to find your place in this crazy world of people that judge and stereotype everyone and everything! You are a BEAUTIFUL african american woman as well as a BEAUTIFUL caucasian woman!! You are a PERFECT mix of the two!! Don't EVER forget that!
I know that growing up, I had a hard time with this same situation. I was born and raised in Utah where there aren't many african americans. I struggled with other people telling me that I 'sounded' white. Or was 'trying' too hard to be black. But what exactly does that mean?
I learned throughout my life that I couldn't change what others thought, or how they chose to see the world. I realized that I had to change how I viewed myself. Being proud of who you are is so important. And I think once you do that, then nobody else's opinion but yours will count.
Don't let other people's visions of who they THINK you should be dictate the way you live your life. There are so many more important things that people should be paying attention to besides race or sterotypes. We are all made in God's image...that's ALL that matters!! Live your life in a way that CHANGES stereotypes...not adds to them. You never know who is watching you. And you never know who you might influence.
I would LOVE to keep in touch with you!! Sounds like we have dealt with some of the same types of situations. I wish you nothing but the best! Hope to hear from you...

[ripples]

Originally Posted by Sis84

Whenever I am around African Americans, I am teased about the way I talk and how I present myself with manners.

I can understand how if someone is constantly teased about the way they talk and present themselves, they would tend to not feel much of an affinity with, or would even want to avoid those types of people. Like, who wants to be constantly laughed at and told that their behaviour is somehow wrong?

I have heard of many transracial adoptees who identify more with their adoptive family's culture. For example, the Evan B Donaldson study of 100's of adult Korean adoptees had found a diverse range of ethinic identities. Here's an excerpt from the study: " Respondents provided a range of information about how they viewed themselves ethnically when they were growing up. Of those who described themselves in ethnic terms as children and adolescents, more than one-third (36%) considered themselves Caucasian; over one-quarter (28%) considered themselves Korean-American or Korean-European; just under one-quarter considered themselves American or European (22%); and fourteen percent viewed themselves as Asian or Korean. "

For myself, I identify with being racially Asian, since that's my biological heritage and culturally Caucasian, since that's the way I was raised. I sometimes get chastised by other Chinese people for not speaking Chinese fluently. In fact, many biracial or inter-country migrants who are not adoptees have shared with me their own experiences of being berated for not fitting other people's cultural/racial expectations.

Cultural identity, as a subset of identity in general, is a very subjective thing and is up to each person to determine how they choose to define themselves. However, it can be challenging when other people insist on telling them who they are or aren't. Unfortunately despite the increasing diversity and blending of cultures in this world, there are many who still cling to rigid stereotypes. Luckily, there are also many who have a more free and open mind.

[manni28]

Hello, again.
In my last post, I stated that I live with an all white family. I have picked up many things from them.
Whenever I am around African Americans, I am teased about the way I talk and how I present myself with manners. My mother and I had a recent discussion about how I have been avoiding African Americans lately. I don't mean to act as if I am a racist. But ever since I found out that I was adopted at age 6, I've wanted to be like my family members. Is this wrong of me? My mother informed me that she thinks I am racist for acting the way I have been around other African Americans. How can I put it, I don't want to be like my African American heritage. I love the way that God made me! Has anyone else felt this way about their heritage? Growing up, my parents taught me things about my African American heritage, but instead I ignored it all.
Thanks again.

Hi:
I'm AA ( and an adoptee) I just wanted to tell you it may not be because you are mixed. I was raised in a mostly white middle class neighborhood in Miami, FL. Me, my sister and our friends were always teased about how we "talked white" and "acted white". It was basically a socio-economic thing. Because we were middle-class and they weren't ( a lot of them were very poor).

Anyway I would suggest that you associate yourself with college educated middle and upper-middle class AA's; you'll find you will/may have a lot in common regardless of your mixed heritage.

I wish you the best!

-Manni

[bakerjw]

I really can't add any perspective other than to say that it is a shame that you are teased for having manners and the way that you speak. I would say that it is probably more out of jealousy than anything else because the facts belie that you will get further in life with good manners and good speaking skills than without.

Being a white male I really don't know much about the AA heritage other than my perception which is that it often boils down to it being the fault of white people. not all of the time but it often does. Some would label me a racist for that statement but it is a fact that there is a segment of the AA community that wants to blame someone for their ills and you are just dealing with guilt by association.

I am not trying to stir up a racism controversy. Anyone who has read any of my posts knows that I don't stir things up but sometimes we have to face the 800 pound gorilla in the room. That is to not say that racism doesn't exist because we all know that it does and it exists on both sides. I've known whites that hate all blacks and I've had black friends that wouldn't talk to me around their "homeys" and I am sickened by both of them. We need to judge people on their abilities, their merits, and their inner self.

Manni28's advice is sound imho. Be around those who encourage you rather than those who would rather pull you down and this goes both ways because white trailer trash will do the same thing.
Best wishes. John

[millie58]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Broaden your horizons. You'll meet AA's who don't act "stereotypical" (whatever that is) and will accept you for who you are. Growing up, we accepted all kids: biracial, mixed, AA, hispanic, CC.

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by Sis84

Hello, again.
In my last post, I stated that I live with an all white family. I have picked up many things from them.
Whenever I am around African Americans, I am teased about the way I talk and how I present myself with manners. My mother and I had a recent discussion about how I have been avoiding African Americans lately. I don't mean to act as if I am a racist. But ever since I found out that I was adopted at age 6, I've wanted to be like my family members. Is this wrong of me? My mother informed me that she thinks I am racist for acting the way I have been around other African Americans. How can I put it, I don't want to be like my African American heritage. I love the way that God made me! Has anyone else felt this way about their heritage? Growing up, my parents taught me things about my African American heritage, but instead I ignored it all.
Thanks again.

I agree with Millie. You will find African Americans who speak conventional English and appreciate good manners. They will like you and you may like them. My daughters were Hispanic raised as "white" and the only Hispanics they encountered when they were young were Mexican laborers who spoke no English and did construction and lawn maintainance. They did not meet educated Hispanics until they were in college -- then they made lots of friends.
One thing you said puzzles me. You said you found out you were adopted when you were 6 years old? How did your parents keep it a secret for so long?

[pbug623]

My daughter I placed for adoption is bi-racial she was born September 16, 1989. Her birth father is black and I am white. The adoption was in Asheville, NC and the adoptive family in Raleigh, NC.

[Sis84]

Hi. My parents always shared my adoption with me, before I knew what adoption was. I just grasped the concept at the age of 6. As well as, starting to ask questions to about where I came from.

[Sis84]

Originally Posted by mann_mary79

Sis84...I also am a biracial woman adopted by a caucasian family. I know that it's HARD trying to find your place in this crazy world of people that judge and stereotype everyone and everything! You are a BEAUTIFUL african american woman as well as a BEAUTIFUL caucasian woman!! You are a PERFECT mix of the two!! Don't EVER forget that!
I know that growing up, I had a hard time with this same situation. I was born and raised in Utah where there aren't many african americans. I struggled with other people telling me that I 'sounded' white. Or was 'trying' too hard to be black. But what exactly does that mean?
I learned throughout my life that I couldn't change what others thought, or how they chose to see the world. I realized that I had to change how I viewed myself. Being proud of who you are is so important. And I think once you do that, then nobody else's opinion but yours will count.
Don't let other people's visions of who they THINK you should be dictate the way you live your life. There are so many more important things that people should be paying attention to besides race or sterotypes. We are all made in God's image...that's ALL that matters!! Live your life in a way that CHANGES stereotypes...not adds to them. You never know who is watching you. And you never know who you might influence.
I would LOVE to keep in touch with you!! Sounds like we have dealt with some of the same types of situations. I wish you nothing but the best! Hope to hear from you...

Thank you so much for your post!
I now live in an apartment complex, and my neighbors aren't the happiest with how I live my life. For a while, I thought it was me, but then I realized that it was truly and honestly, them. Along with what was in their hearts. All I can do for them is pray.

[xemtrockstarx]

I am a bi-racial adoptee (half black, half white) and my adoptive parents are both white. I think you being adopted and being bi-racial have little to do with one another. Many non adopted bi-racial, tri-racial people have issues with their identities. You say you like yourself, but don't want anything to do with appreciating your black culture. You are obviously buying into what society tells you is "black" culture. Being a minority does not mean you're uneducated, have to sound uneducated, or wear doo-rags.

I got teased for "talking white" and acting "too white" but I am not insecure about myself simply because I use correct English, speak intelligently, and listen to rock music. I also do not judge all black people based on several expirences.

It sounds like you are assuming all black people are alike which is, well, racist. I have known a couple bi-racial people (who were not adopted) who had major self hatred problems. I even heard this girl in high school state she wished she was white, I found that very, very sad considering I LOOOOVVVE being mixed ^_^ I do not care how "white" you speak or how "white" you carry yourself, you are a minority whether or not you awknowledge/appreciate the fact.

I remember when I was younger I always wished I was white but I eventually got over that and learned to love both sides equally. After I realized this I remember being much more happy and content with myself.