[didi20]

It is very difficult for me to come here and post because my adoption is so painful for me that I don't even know how to talk about it or consciously access it...Also I feel so insecure about it that if i post and no one replies i feel rejected yet again...but i am desperate so here goes...

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm sure just as is for everyone else here...my birthday is the most painful day...the time leading up to it makes me angry and hurt and comforted all at the same time...I am so angry because I think about my mom being pregnant and having the only connection of my life with her and she still chose to bring me into this world and never know me....I am so hurt and heartbroken that she didn't chose to keep me or love me and I just don't understand how she could have done that to me...I am comforted because I have this feeling that I know that at least for one day of the year I can be pretty sure that she at least thought about me once and maybe we thought about each other at the same time and that makes me feel connected to her...I hate when my birthday is over because I feel like that was my only guarentee that I was in her mind at the same time that she was in mine...

Every year I hate my birthday because I know its almost over and I dread it but also love it because I know that that day we are both in each other's hearts and that's the only day that happens...I wish for my birthday every year that she will come and scoop me into her arms and tell me it was all a mistake that she regrets every day and how mcuh she loves me and will never leave me agian...that never happens...My a-family always tells me that they are too busy to celebrate with me because it is so close to christmas and we never really talk about adoption anyway so they have no idea how much it hurts me when they forget...I just tell my family and friends I want to pretend that my birthday doesn't exist...I want some huge extranvagant party that someone plans for me so I feel loved or I want to ignore it... I feel like I am disappointed no matter what because I have ridiculously high expectations of both my friends and familiy and my bmom...No one knows or understands how painful this is for me and I don't know what to do to deal with it...I just hate how much it hurts and that i just can't stop it...i end up falling into this gut wrenching sad place that just can't be comforted no matter what and can't pull myself out of...does any one understand this please...I just can't take the hurt and disappointment andymore...it just hurts too much and I just want to know that someone else out there feels the same way becuase I can't take it...i just want her to come back and love me...i feel like i'm just not good enough for anyone to love or celebrate and that's why i hate my birthday...

[TxMom65]

I am an adoptive mom and hope you don't mind my reply.

Of course your birthday is a day to reflect and remember your birthmom. You two were together that day!

Your feelings are very real and raw. I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to about them. It helps to get them out and not bottle them out.

My birthday is also close to Christmas and growing up I felt shafted many times. Yours is more than that. It is no way a relfection of you or your being good enough.

[txrnr]

I have never felt that way about my birthday, primarily because I understand why I was given up. How much do you know about your adoption? If you don't know much, maybe that would be a start. (for instance, my bmom was 15.)

I hate that you feel this way, especially about the day you were born. I wish I had words to comfort you. Stay here, vent, and visit the birthparents section. I think you'll see most of them deeply loved the kids they gave up. It wasn't rejection at all, but hope for something better for their child.

There are other adoptees that feel as you do. I hope they'll check in and share with you.

[Janelee]

How sad that you are so conflicted about this. Can you tell your a-family how you really feel? Ir sounds like they are thoughtless about this, if they just don't think about/talk about adoption, they probably aren't aware of how hard this is for you. Or please find a counsellor or therapist to talk to about this; you shouldn't have to suffer each year. Who know why your birth mom had to make this decision...all I can tell you is that you are precious, you are worthy of love, and though your friends and family don't know what you want, I'm sure they care a great deal about you.

[didi20]

I appreciate all the support very much...I was in therapy for a while but my insurance ran out and my therapy was geared towards my ED a little more...

In theory I know I am loved and special and that my bmom had to make the best decision she did...I know that she was 20 and got pregnant from a one night stand...that's all i know...i don't even know her name...mostly I don't want to know because it hurts to much to even open up that file...

In my heart I feel angry and don't understand how she could hold me and know that she made me and brought me into this world and feel ok never getting to see me again...I don't know what she looks like or her name and I am heart broken that she doesn't come back to get me...I don't care about her reasons because she got to make this decision...I didn't choose this..I want to know what she looks like and more than anything I want to feel her hug me and tell me she loves me...I feel like that's the only way this will be ok...I know that this is all wrong and not rational...I just wish she wanted to know me and missed me enough that she would forget about everything and come find me because i'm that important...i feel like i dont deserve anything and i'm just a stop gap until something better comes along...I have bottled up these feelings for so long that I don't even understand them...all i know is how much it hurts and how no one can ever meet my expectations on my birthday because all i really want is for someone to hug me and tell me they love me the most and would always pick me first...i feel like i don't deserve that...i dont' even know how to open my heart and myself up to anyone...i'm so alone and i hate it but i don't know how to get past feeling like i'll be dropped when something better comes along...i constantly go out of my way to be the best or to please people so that they won't leave me and they always do...i am tired of being so lonely

It is so hard for me to even speak about this because it causes me so much pain and saddness...i just don't know what else to do and just want to know how to get through my birthday...please any advice is welcome...i just feel like its too much saddness and don't want it to be that way forever...

[LMNGambino]

I get it. I hate my birthday, too. Always have. People ask my why, and I tell them, "Because that was the day I lodt my Mother."

It sucks. Mine is this week. I think Im going to make myself a cake that says, "It's a Girl!!"

I have even hated when people throw parties for me on that day. I just sort of lay around and feel sorry for myself, then move on. I wish I had better advice for ya, but just know I feel ya!

[didi20]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me...that's a very good way to describe it...it just is a day when i am reminded that i lost my bmom and it just hurts too much that day...It even helps to know that I am not alone in feeling this way...It is very hard for me because its the first time in my whole life that i'm really starting to attempt addressing the intense pain that I feel about this...I never knew I had all these feelings about it...I dont know if that makes sense but its true...I feel like I just found out which sounds silly but that's why i feel so raw and hurt about it now...I just don't want to be alone and want to be able to let go of the feeling that the only way my birthday will be ok is if she comes back to me...that's the worst and hurts the most...I want to be able to feel like its ok to let people in and i don't know how...right now i just feel too much pain and fear to let anyone in and i'm so lonely...i know its not true but i feel like the only way it will be ok is when she comes to get me and tell me that she has missed me every second and loves me...that's what hurts because every year on my birthday I am reminded that that's not true...and left broken hearted and disappointed...I hate being so angry and hurt by someone who i love with all my heart and have never met...I know this sounds really really awful but sometimes I just wish I wasn't adopted and looked like the rest of my family so my life would make sense...

[dancewithme]

Originally Posted by TxMom65

I am an adoptive mom and hope you don't mind my reply.

Of course your birthday is a day to reflect and remember your birthmom. You two were together that day!

Your feelings are very real and raw. I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to about them. It helps to get them out and not bottle them out.

My birthday is also close to Christmas and growing up I felt shafted many times. Yours is more than that. It is no way a relfection of you or your being good enough.

Don't ever hate your birthday honey. That is your day - your special day. You are so blessed each time you are alive and on this earth to see another one. Do you know the reason why your birth mother gave you up? I used to feel the same way. For so many years I was sad on my birthday. But I found out that it is MINE!!! When you grow up your life becomes yours. Hey, lemme tell you, I FOUND my birth mother after I had my firstborn and you know what? she left me again! And guess what - I don't care because there is nothing she can give me that I don't have. I have love, I have wonderful older female role models who have been more of a mother to me than a lot of birth moms who raise their kids. She lost out on seeing how fabulous and accomplished I turned out - thanks to my adopted parents. So let it go honey. Let it go! You SO deserve your special day. Pamper yourself and enjoy all that you have been able to experience. Do you have children? Are you married? Do you have an adopted family? I'd like to know. I do hope you are feeling better about all of this. Hey. I know my birth mom thinks about me on my birthday - when I met her she told me she thought about me every birthday and well, that's good enough for me.

[Mil]

Okay, I'm a birthmother and I'll tell you how I feel. It doesn't mean every situation is the same, but here goes.

I placed my son when I was 19. I loved him very much. I didn't place him because I didn't love him - that couldn't be further from the truth. It broke my heart. But you're told to go on with your life and you'll forget. NO WAY! You NEVER forget! If your mother is anything like me, your birthday is probably tough for her too. She's probably depressed that she's missing yet another birthday with you and wonders where you are and how you're doing. If you feel this way, why don't you start a search? Maybe she's looking for you and is having no luck. Or maybe, like me, doesn't feel like she has the right to find you and possibly intrude on your life. I felt like if my son wanted to know me, he'd look for me. I didn't feel it was my right to look for him. Plus I could always hear the judge's words when I signed the final adoption papers 'you are never to search him out'. I know times have changed, but I just didn't feel like it was my place.

Fast forward to about 7 yrs. ago. Long story short, my son found me. It was one of the most exciting days of my life! He was then 27 yrs. old. It was the summer when we met and his 28th birthday was in January. So that year we were able to celebrate his birthday together! It was very difficult day for me (if you want to know specifics, ask) in some ways and absolutely wonderful in others. But now we've spent 6 more birthdays together and we really savor being together for this special day.

My son told me when we first met that he had started several different times to search for me and as soon as he hit a couple of dead ends, he quit. But on his 27th birthday he was standing outside alone on his porch smoking a cigarette and looked up into the sky and thought 'my mother is out there somewhere and is thinking about me today and I'm going to find her!' So he started searching again and didn't give up this time until he found me. We'll be sharing his birthday for the 8th time next month.

If you really want to know your mother, take the initiative to search for her. Don't wait. She might be looking for you or waiting for you to find her. Don't spend years just waiting. Things happen - you could wait too long.

Good luck and Happy Birthday.

[cksmom]

It breaks my heart everytime I read one of your posts, Didi. You are in so much pain!! I hope you are able to continue therapy someday. Until then, this is the perfect place for you.

I have never hated my birthday because for whatever reason, I never related it to my birth mother. weird maybe for an adoptee. I always thought it to be MY special day and nobody else's. I think that turning it around and making your birthday about YOU may help you. Yes, your bmother gave you up and you don't know why. There could be hundreds of reasons but that does not mean that she did not love you or want the very best for you. Being 20 and single is probably a huge reason. Someday if you become a mother, you may understand better the unconditional, overwhelming love for a child. That doesn't just stop if you don't raise that child.

I understand being angry but I have to say Didi, life is incredibly short. You have to live for today and tomorrow and try not to dwell on the past. A pp mentioned "let it go" and I couldn't agree more.

[didi20]

Thank you so much for all the support and comforting thoughts...I very much appreciate it all it helps to know i'm not alone and that others do care about me...its really tough for me because I don't talk to anyone about this ever and I hate to talk about it...because of how much it hurts me and it takes a while after i've talked about it to push it back out of my mind and for the pain and saddness to go away...

I know you are all right and I should feel lucky and celebrate my life on my birthday and I do feel very blessed with an amazing afamily and wouldn't give them up for anything in the world my afamily is my whole world...although my afamily does not ever talk about adoption...I know that my bmom made the right decision for me and for herself and i am lucky and have a blessed and special life...

It was very helpful to hear from another bmom...I didn't know that it was possible to be told to never search or contact...I had no idea that my bmom could ever feel like she didn't have the right to search...that completely opened my mind and i thank you greatly for that...as much as it is great to know and opens my eyes i can't get past the irrational belief that its her fault and she has to find me for everything to be ok...I hate that I feel this way and know that it is wrong but its the only way I can make sense of it...I still have raw irrational thoughts that she made this decision for me without getting to know me and its her fault and all i have ever wanted in my life is her approval and love...please don't take this the wrong way and don't be offended i am well aware that these are not true or rational feelings and just raw pain and saddness talking...

I am not sure why yet but I am very against searching...i think its because i still think its her job to find me and if i search for her than it doesn't really mean she misses me and loves me but i just found her...i don't kow if that makes sense...I am also terrified to find her because I have built her up in my mind as some magical goddess and i don't know what would happen if anything negative were to happen...i couldn't handle that pain as well...I know that it makes sense that she thinks about me too on my birthday and its hard for her but that irrationally makes me even more hurt because I think that if she really misses me and cares for me that much she would just not care anymore and just come find me because it is too painful to be without me...i feel that way i don't search because i don't want to find her..i want her to come back for me...

as my birthday is getting closer i am trying to stay busy but i just can't escape it and i am dreaming about meeting my bdad and it hurts so much when i wake up because i'm so angry and i don't even know why i dream about him i never think about him...thank you again for all your support and love it really does mean a lot to me...

i just want to know she loves me so i can finally allow myself to love or be loved...that's what hurts the most...i feel incomplete and incapable of love without her and i don't know what to do about it...

[SoniaRose]

I don't understand why you think it is your bmom's responsibility to find you, but you don't want to search for her. Perhaps she can't find you. Have you registered with the ISRR or other adoption registries? All you have to do is give them your birth information, and if your bmom is looking for you, then you will be easier to find.

There are lots of reasons why our bmoms may not be looking for us. I registered with the ISRR over 20 years ago, and I was disappointed that there was no match. I found out last year that my bmom had died many years before. So please don't think that your bmom doesn't love you if it seems she is not looking for you. There could be so many different circumstances.

You don't sound like you're emotionally ready in your life to initiate a full search, but it may not hurt to register your information and make yourself easier to find.

Otherwise, all I can suggest is that you find activities that interest you and keep busy, join a group or church or ??? As an adoptee, I know it's hard to accept that we may never know our bparents, but we have to accept things in our life that we cannot change. We have to learn to love ourselves; we can't expect someone else to fill the holes in our heart.

[cksmom]

Originally Posted by didi20

I am not sure why yet but I am very against searching...i think its because i still think its her job to find me and if i search for her than it doesn't really mean she misses me and loves me but i just found her...i don't kow if that makes sense...I am also terrified to find her because I have built her up in my mind as some magical goddess and i don't know what would happen if anything negative were to happen...i couldn't handle that pain as well...I know that it makes sense that she thinks about me too on my birthday and its hard for her but that irrationally makes me even more hurt because I think that if she really misses me and cares for me that much she would just not care anymore and just come find me because it is too painful to be without me...i feel that way i don't search because i don't want to find her..i want her to come back for me...

Didi, Your bmom is not a magical goddess. She is just a woman like you and I. Please keep telling yourself that. It is not just her sole responsibility to look for you. The majority of bmoms in America from the closed era were told to never look and that they didn't even have any right to look. You also need to remember that she is in Korea. From what I know about Asian culture, pain and emotions are not discussed openly and using shame or guilt is very prominent in families. It is completely different there. I can almost gurantee that she was told to forget she ever had a baby and it was not her place to search. You are clearly not in a place to search or even look in your own file. Have you read the book, "primal wound"? It is pretty deep but it could help you understand some of your feelings and pain.

Hang in there!!! You WILL get through this!

[lacey_mae]

ok so my title doesnt make much sense right away...but think about it...right now you are thinking the cups half empty...lets flip it around its now half full!
My first question is, do you have a great family now that loves you and cares for you and that you consider your family no matter what!?!
I do. My birthday is the day i celebrate the fact that i have the parents i do, the siblings i do, and the life i've been givin! I can't believe I am so lucky! I love my family! and although my adad was killed when i was 15 Im still the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call him my dad! He was the greatest man alive!
So instead of thinking completely about how someone gives us up, how someone is out there...focus on what you have...how great things are! because i dont know what i would do without my amazing family!

[EZ2Luv]

((HUGS)) Yesterday was my birthday and I found myself reflecting on the day as well. I had this great post written up, the phone rang and while I was on the phone in the other room my little one decided to play with my computer. Post disappeared.

Anyhow, it boggles my mind how on that day a woman gave birth and chose not to see or hold me and have a social worker hand me over to some coldblooded uncaring nuns. While my aparents knew about my birth and could only yearn to hold and see me with open arms. So it is a bittersweet day of sorts. I choose to focus on the the sweet part of it, but it wasn't until I gave birth to my own babies that I realized how I couldn't wait to hold and love on my precious bundle. They couldn't hand him to me quick enough.

I wish I had the magical answer for you. Some say that bmom pushed us away and refused to love on us because it was a defense mechanism because they hurted too much, but I find it very difficult to accept this reasoning. I don't care how much a bmom hurted, it is just too inhumane to yell out "get it away from me"(what my bmom did).

My only consolation is that I was blessed multiple times over when I finally made it into my Aparent's arms.

EZ