[SoniaRose]

Cksmom brings up a good point if your bmom is from Korea. The cultural/language difference surely has an impact on a bmom's ability to search. Are there any registries specifically for Korean adoptees? Can you find a support group for international adoptees?

I know I have 3 half-siblings in Germany (my bdad's children) -- I am a little curious about them, but the thought of trying to find someone in another country is just too overwhelming. Your bmom probably has no idea how to find you in another country, and perhaps she feels she couldn't communicate with you anyway if she doesn't speak English. So please don't think she doesn't love you because she has not found you.

I often tell myself that my bmom made a huge sacrifice in her life to give birth to me and make sure I was placed in a good home. The social worker wrote that she was very pleased when he told her what kind of home I entered. Our bmoms always want the best for us. When I feel down, I remind myself that my bmom would not be happy to see me sad -- she gave me up so I would have the best life possible. I have to live my life in honor of her and her sacrifice. And, yes, it is hard. But we have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I have never hated my birthday, but I always have thought of my bmom on that day -- she gave me the ultimate present.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

I don't understand why you think it is your bmom's responsibility to find you, but you don't want to search for her. Perhaps she can't find you. Have you registered with the ISRR or other adoption registries? All you have to do is give them your birth information, and if your bmom is looking for you, then you will be easier to find.

There are lots of reasons why our bmoms may not be looking for us. I registered with the ISRR over 20 years ago, and I was disappointed that there was no match. I found out last year that my bmom had died many years before. So please don't think that your bmom doesn't love you if it seems she is not looking for you. There could be so many different circumstances.

You don't sound like you're emotionally ready in your life to initiate a full search,

	
	
.

Otherwise, all I can suggest is that you find activities that interest you and keep busy, join a group or church or ??? As an adoptee, I know it's hard to accept that we may never know our bparents, but we have to accept things in our life that we cannot change. We have to learn to love ourselves; we can't expect someone else to fill the holes in our heart.

Didi, I too, am a Firstmom. I do not know if I can help, but I will try to give you some insight of some firstmoms. I relinquished twin sons, and am now searching with the aid of a C.I.(confidential intermediary). I have over the years(8,330+ days) thought of my sons each and EVERY day! I was never sad on their b-day, because it WAS and IS, 1 of the best days and events of my life. Yes I cry and wonder what they were doing..I would try to picture in my mind what they looked like, and what they might be interested in. I do grieve and have a gutteral ache, that NEVER goes away. I think if a firstmom(at least most) does not look for their child, it is not for the reasons you seem to think. There are so so many and each of our journies are different. However I feel the most common are those that I read over and over again...We were told we should let IT go. We are so full of guilt, shame, fear of rejection(YES EVEN US FIRSTMOMS )fear being rejected. We are made to feel like we have NO right to seek you out. We are told you may not even know you are adopted. We are told you have parents. We are told you have forgotten about us. We are told we will intrude and upset your world. We ARE human, we DO love you, but alas we are told we made our choice...we have NO RIGHTS. When we sign those papers ...we are told we no longer exist, to go home and pretend this never happened! Guess what...I can PROMISE you...your Firstmom has never forgotten...NEVER! How can we forget GODS greatest gift...our children. So, I hope this gives some insight. Didi you ARE loved by so many, you HAVE to allow them to help what you seek....YOUR firstparents! If it wasn't talked about, now is the time to talk about it...not tomorrow, not next week...YESTERDAY. They are your parents, they may surprise you, give them this chance. You will not move past this if you do not seek your firstfamily out. GOOD OR BAD, you need to register with the state registry you were born in and the ISRR registry. Ask your mom and dad what they remember, what they know, do not underestimate your parents. Do not think this will upset them, let them know THEY are your parents and always will be. You must have this discussion with them, so that you can find peace...but you will only do so by finding ALL the pieces. You are a wonderful caring and thriving young lady, you deserve to know and you deserve have all your questions answered. Half of my family does not even know how to run a computer...let alone own 1. Your firstmom, may be one that does not know of these registies, and may not own a computer...but you will never know until you decide to seek her out. It is now time to stop this crying party and do something to change this. You are worth it!

[mariakw]

Didi, I was really moved by your posts. I'm an adopted adult - 36 y.o. and I always kinda liked my b-days b/c my parents made a big deal out of them. But as I got into my teens they were a little bittersweet when I thought about the loss of my bmom. So, I had a few ideas about your posts. First, I don't know how hard/easy your Aparents are to talk to but if you can work up the courage, I might tell them honestly that you really want them to make a fuss over your birthday, that it's a tough day for you that reminds you of the hurt over losing your bmom. You need to feel extra wanted and important on that day. Second, I think that like the bmom who posted a reply to you, a lot (most? all even?) of birth moms feel loss too. And it sucks because they can't tell you that and you have no way of knowing. I met my bmom about 15 years ago, and ever since, every year, she calls me, or emails or sends a card to remember my birthday. It was really important to her that she finally go to acknowledge my birthday. And it was really nice to know that she was thinking of me. Finally, and I'm sorry for such a long reply, but no matter what, your birthday is the day the world got to welcome you into it. You're here among us living out your own unique and important life. Your bmom wanted to make sure you had that life to live with people who she hoped would care for you in a way she couldn't. So even though she can't tell you herself, she's happy you're here.

[didi20]

thank you all so much for sharing i really do appreciate it and i know that you are right...i am lucky and very blessed and i do have an amazing family and i wouldn't change any of that!!

i guess its hard for me to see the glass half full right now i'm having a very difficult time...i've been suffering from an ED for quite a while and i feel like i have no control over anything...whenever i think about my bmom i just get very sad and my ED gets worse which makes me think I am all alone and I'll never get better...I know its just a dumb excuse but if anyone here has ever suffered from an ED i hope that maybe you understand that I wish more than anything that I could see the glass half full but right now i'm just trying to hang on to where i am now and get back to the top...i hope that made some sense and i'm not making excuses or blaming anyone i'm just very sad and hurt.

As it comes closer to my birthday i just get sad because i miss her so much and i love her so much...that's all i'm not really angry just broken hearted...most of the time its not as bad but near my birthday its hard because i just miss her so much and wonder if she is thinking of me at that same moment and maybe if i'm really lucky we can think of each other at the same time...i just get sad because i miss her and love her and still feel incomplete without her...my birthday to me is the aniversary of the one connection that i have with my bmom and that is very special and very painful and sad to me....i hope that makes some sense...it just keeps getting harder until its over but at the same time i don't want it to come because then i have to wait a whole year til i hope that we can have that moment again...i just miss her so much is alll...i love her so much and am so grateful that she brought me into this world...i just wish i could show her that she made the right choice and i turned out pretty good...birthdays are hard...and if i want her to be a magical goddess in my heart i would really like her to stay that way...i dont see anything wrong with that since i dont' plan on a reunion...its like a fantasy so its not so painful...

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by didi20

It was very helpful to hear from another bmom...I didn't know that it was possible to be told to never search or contact...I had no idea that my bmom could ever feel like she didn't have the right to search...that completely opened my mind and i thank you greatly for that...as much as it is great to know and opens my eyes i can't get past the irrational belief that its her fault and she has to find me for everything to be ok...I hate that I feel this way and know that it is wrong but its the only way I can make sense of it...I still have raw irrational thoughts that she made this decision for me without getting to know me and its her fault and all i have ever wanted in my life is her approval and love...please don't take this the wrong way and don't be offended i am well aware that these are not true or rational feelings and just raw pain and saddness talking...

I am not sure why yet but I am very against searching...i think its because i still think its her job to find me and if i search for her than it doesn't really mean she misses me and loves me but i just found her...i don't kow if that makes sense...I am also terrified to find her because I have built her up in my mind as some magical goddess and i don't know what would happen if anything negative were to happen...i couldn't handle that pain as well...I know that it makes sense that she thinks about me too on my birthday and its hard for her but that irrationally makes me even more hurt because I think that if she really misses me and cares for me that much she would just not care anymore and just come find me because it is too painful to be without me...i feel that way i don't search because i don't want to find her..i want her to come back for me...

as my birthday is getting closer i am trying to stay busy but i just can't escape it and i am dreaming about meeting my bdad and it hurts so much when i wake up because i'm so angry and i don't even know why i dream about him i never think about him...thank you again for all your support and love it really does mean a lot to me...

i just want to know she loves me so i can finally allow myself to love or be loved...that's what hurts the most...i feel incomplete and incapable of love without her and i don't know what to do about it...

Dear Didi,
Another birth mom here. I can't tell you about your birth mom, only about me. I was indeed expected to got on with my life; to get over it and move on. I firmly believed that I have given him up and therefore I shouldn't look for him. That if he wanted to know me, it was his choice. Of course, I have since found out that he believed that if I loved him, I'd look for him. When I found him on this site, I at least knew he'd been looking for me and felt it was ok to seek contact.

I have always loved my firstborn unconditionally. I certainly thought of him on days other that his birthday. He was born on my 21st birthday. His first contact with me was on the eve of his 33rd birthday. This year marked the third birthday since we met.

You might do what I tried to do: register in various places so she can find you.

[didi20]

I had NO idea that bmoms were told to forget about us and move on...i think that's awful and i wish it weren't true...i've never thought about the fact that my bmom probably doesn't speak english and may not know enough about site to register for to look for me...i didn't know about any of these sites or lists until i came here...i only came here because i was urged by my MD to start dealing with this if i want to beat my ED...i guess the truth is i don't want to search...i'm too scared...i don't know why i'm so scared but i am...right now it hurts enough as the days get closer...you couldn't have put it better and i have never realized that i want everyone to make a big fuss over my birthday because i feel especially rejected and vulnerable on my birthday...right now it just feels like a day that i get to hold close to my heart and think that we have this special connection that happens each year...its a bittersweet moment and it is something i look foward to and dread each year...i now have a much better understanding of why my bmom may not have searched for me and i hate that everyone told bmoms to forget about their children but i'm just not ready to search and am not sure i will ever want to...i dont know if any of this post makes sense but i guess i am lost in all of this since i have never opened up about my adoption until i came here...i still miss my bmom everyday and love her more than anything...i wouldn't change any part of my life because i am a very blessed girl...i just feel incomplete...i feel scared that this fear of someone leaving me for someone better will never go away...i'm afraid that i won't be able to "let it go" and open my heart up again...i never have and i don't want to be alone...i feel so alone because no one knows how i feel and i don't like to talk about this stuff with anyone...my afamily is amazing and loving but i don't want to talk to them about anything it makes me uncomfortable...they don't know how i feel about this and they don't know about my ED battle...i don't know why i feel so secretive and afraid but i do...i hope at least a part of this post made sense...

if i could write anything to my bmom it would be,

i love you so much it hurts...i've missed you every second of every day...i'm not angry...i'm sad...i thank you for what you did...i am part of you and you are part of me...together i wish we could be...

[Gavriela]

My heart crys for you and yet I understand where you are. You are not alone. I pray that the Creator of the Universe intercedes in your life and you have a space in time where you have peace in your life.
Have you thought about planning a special Birthday party just for you. Maybe a weekend away a time to be pampered. Invite someone to go with you or go alone, celebrate and grieve at the same time. I know that sounds crazy but hey, why not. Do you know anything about your birthmom and if not invent somethings and feel good about who you have become.

"i just want to know she loves me so i can finally allow myself to love or be loved...that's what hurts the most...i feel incomplete and incapable of love without her and i don't know what to do about it..."

It is good to grieve this loss and yet love her. You may not ever want to search for her and that is ok too. We all have our own ways of dealing with our loss.

You are not alone

Gavi

[didi20]

i am so relieved to know that i am not alone...and to know that not everyone believes reunion is the answer...that angers me and i don't know why...i just don't have much interest in reunion...i don't know anything about my bmom or my birth in general...i don't know what hospital i was born at either...i don't like reading my file...it hurts to see it on paper...it hurts that i don't even know her name...right now i'm playing it by ear for my birthday...it always depends on how i'm feeling that second...sometimes i want to go and be distracted while others i want to sit at home and cry until i have no more tears left...right now i'm having an especially hard time...my ED is getting out of hand which have affected grad school...and my MD is worried about me but i would like to get through finals and then figure things out later while my birthday is getting closer and closer...the hardest part is that no one knows anything about any of this and i feel so alone and like i have no one to talk to...that's why i come here because i can be anonymous and say whatever i want...right now i'm terrified...of my ED getting so bad...my MD's worries...passing my finals...if i don't i'll lose my pace in medical school..and because i know what the next week brings right before my birthday...whether i try to ignore it or not somehow i think about my bmom a lot as it approaches...i'm just scared and i feel so alone...i really miss her so much...i sound so messed up and so angry but i just love her so much and feel so alone...i'm even scared that people here will get sick of me and stop giving me advice...i hope i make sense again...

if anyone here has ever struggled with an ED also please some advice would really be appreciated i'm having a lot of trouble with this because i know my ED is the way i deal with my adoption and i don't what to do anymore...i just feel lost...

[Spencerl]

Didi, First off I just want to tell you how much I understand your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you even I don't know you I love you. I am also an Adoptee, and all though I knew my mother gave me up for good reasons and she really did love me and I got adopted into a loving home, I still felt this deep pain. In a part of myself so deep I couldn't think it or will it away. I too was a people pleaser most of my life. A chameleon being whatever I thought wanted me to say or do so that they'd like me. I am afraid of rejection and have those feeling even when that's not happening. (Ex. The other day a dog wouldn't stop and let me pet it and I got sad realizing afterwards that subconsioully perceived that as rejection) I have hard time pushing unhealthy people away even though I know there not well for me. I can often in relationships I don't really want to be in. I often need others to tell me that they love me to feel good about myself. I have hard time concentrating and have been diagnosed with A.D.D. I get anxious allot and seemed to get depressed ever 5 weeks. Allot of this I thought was genetic. I yearned for so long to meet my birth mom. And when we were finally reunited I was 21. (Just three years ago) it was a really good experience. It was something I wanted my whole life. It was like meeting a friend I had lost contact with. It was really hard growing up with allot of people I couldn't relate that did understand me. I felt like E.T. meeting some of his own kind. But the truth is the pain didn't go away I understood she was just setting boundaries with me but I still felt hurt at times and very vulnerable feeling like her actions were pushing me away and rejecting me. I decided to stop contacting her until I understood and came to terms to what was happening to me internally. I found book which I haven't read all of but really started to help me. We have to become our own psychotherapists and learn to soothe, love, nurture ourselves, I think really this book can really help you. It's not fault you having these feelings, it is normal. Being adopted has neurologically impacted us. Some people react differently but most people don't even consciously make the connection between this behavior and there adoption they just think this is the way I am. We have nothing to compare normal functioning to because we never really functioned normally. The name the book is "Coming Home to Self" By Nancy Verior it has many of the answers your looking. I hope we stay in touch each other on our healing journey and I’m here for you and I hope we can be there for each other in learning how to deal with this feelings. If you want to you can add me on msn my e-mail spencerlaing@hotmail.com It really helps me to know that there others that have the same feelings. So thank you for helping me and I really hope the best. I have birthday coming up on the Dec 21st and I will be thinking of you. I’m not sure if I’m going to give me Birth Mom a call or not because I’m still very sensitive. But what matters that I’m ok and that I have good day for myself and stay positive.

[Gavriela]

but i just love her so much and feel so alone...i'm even scared that people here will get sick of me and stop giving me advice...i hope i make sense again.

I know you love her and want her to love you. You make perfect sense. (I'm glad I'm not the only one whose feelings bounce around ) I will not get tired of hearing it. Because I too wish the same thing and fear the same.

Gavriela

[LMNGambino]

What is ED?

[SWGAgirl]

Can't be erectile dysfunction..............can it????

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by SWGAgirl

Can't be erectile dysfunction..............can it????

shut up, silly!!!

Maybe eating or emotional disorder, Im not sure.

[Gavriela]

Here is a link to The Primal Wound. However I believe this is an article not the complete book. Iam in the middle of reading this srticle and have been able to realize many things about myself and Bwomb.

I hope you'll take the time to read it and I pray it helps you in your journey.

Gavriela

Adoption: The Primal Wound

[DP611]

I totally go through the same thing on my birthday. For my most recent birthday, I turned 25 so in my head, it was the 25th anniversary since my mom gave me up. Why would I ever want to celebrate that? Or even if I do, I'd expect one to understand the wide range of emotions experienced.

Anyone who says "you shouldn't" feel this way or says such trite and superficial sayings as "you should celebrate your life," "your life is a gift," or something alone those lines, I want to vomit in their face :-). And I say that with love. That doesn't mean those things aren't true, it's just you want to yell "come on, are you that dense!" We all see the world through our own eyes, no one elses, so its impossible for anyone to truly "relate." And it's even harder for those not adopted to do so, though we know they mean well. I think what you feel on your birthday is very common. It is a reminder and a reflection of the truth of your life. However, I also think a lot of people feel such emotions on their birthdays, not just adoptees (o god, do I hate that words - adoptee - ugh, gagging) so I'd encourage you to consider that "hating" your birthday is not just unique to adopted adults but a more common experience felt by a wide cross section of people.

And as far as your first post: being afraid to post for fear of rejection by not getting any replies. Well I don't think that is a worry anymore! The only thing I wanted to say about that is on the word rejection. Am I the only one or is that word "rejection" the #1 word in every adopted person's life? My god, it effects everything in my opinion. I'd assume we [adopted children/adults] are all bonded through that one word: rejection. Ugh, the therapy spent on that word, I could have retired .

Thanks for your post my friend, I hope you are okay. It's early in the morning where I'm from, I couldn't sleep, stumbled upon this board and your post resonated with me so much, I actually went through the process of registering just so I could respond to you. But I registered under my "birth name" (if there is such a thing) Yes I have two names, one given to me by my birth parents and the other given to me when I was adopted. My third name should be "God's gift to therapy"

Peace my fellow adopted friends, birth parents, and adopted parents!