[SoniaRose]

I am a 55 year old adoptee, and I just found out that my bmom visited with me as an infant on several occasions before she signed the relinquishment papers. I am now curious if anyone has thoughts about whether or not we "bonded" during those visits?

I recently received my non-id papers from the adoption agency. I already knew a lot about my bparents (both deceased), but I requested my papers to gain some new insights. I already knew that my bmom wanted to keep me very badly, but my bdad did not want to get married.

I was very surprised to learn that my bmom visited me several times in the first 8 months. I previously had assumed that she never saw me again after I was taken from the hospital and placed in foster care. So now I wonder if I recognized her as my mother during those visits?

I was placed with my aparents at 9 months. My amom has told me that I was not a warm and friendly baby. I had suspected that perhaps my foster mom didn't hold me or give me much attention. The fact that my bmom visited me and struggled with the relinquishment throws everything in a new light for me.

Was I an unhappy baby because I was confused and missing my bmom? I can't imagine what I might have been thinking or feeling.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

I
So now I wonder if I recognized her as my mother during those visits?

I was placed with my aparents at 9 months. My amom has told me that I was not a warm and friendly baby. I had suspected that perhaps my foster mom didn't hold me or give me much attention. The fact that my bmom visited me and struggled with the relinquishment throws everything in a new light for me.

Was I an unhappy baby because I was confused and missing my bmom? I can't imagine what I might have been thinking or feeling.

Of COURSE you recognized her, as horridly painful as it is to think about it.

There is NO bond more powerful than a baby and it's mother. Babies know their mother's breathing patters, voice, walking rhythms and scent. It also why so many of us have difficulties bonding with other people, for the rest of our lives...especially our a moms. Its as if we are psychologically afraid to bond, because we fear abandonment. There have been many studies and books written on this subject.

Many a parents today have certain things they do to ease the effects of attachment disorders. Psychology has come such a long way since the "baby scoop" era.

Many studies show that babies (especially those who spent time being bounced around to different foster parents, or who were adopted later in infancy) are very "unwelcoming" to their a families...to many people.

I had that light bulb moment for myself when I found out that I had been bounced around. I wasn't placed with my a parents until I was 5 months old. My attachment disorders and fears of rejection made so much more sense to me, SoniaRose.

Its just another thing that fills in the blanks and helps us to heal.

[SoniaRose]

Thanks for the answer. I had suspected as such, but I've never read any of the literature about adoption loss because I haven't wanted to think about it.

I look back at the photos taken when my aparents first brought me home, and I appear totally shell shocked -- a blank expression with big eyes and my mouth wide open. Everyone is smiling while they're posing next to me, and I was probably wondering what was going on, where was I, and who were all these people?

To refer back to the other discussion as to whether or not we are defined by adoption, I would have to say YES -- that early trauma had to have made an imprint on my infant self.

However, I realize that everyone involved in my adoption had only my best interests at heart. My bmom relinquished me to give me the best life possible. My aparents were good parents. And I'm not totally dysfunctional -- I've been married 27 years, have 3 kids, etc. I'm just a little insecure and emotionally sensitive, but that's okay.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

Thanks for the answer. I had suspected as such, but I've never read any of the literature about adoption loss because I haven't wanted to think about it.

I look back at the photos taken when my aparents first brought me home, and I appear totally shell shocked -- a blank expression with big eyes and my mouth wide open. Everyone is smiling while they're posing next to me, and I was probably wondering what was going on, where was I, and who were all these people?

To refer back to the other discussion as to whether or not we are defined by adoption, I would have to say YES -- that early trauma had to have made an imprint on my infant self.

However, I realize that everyone involved in my adoption had only my best interests at heart. My bmom relinquished me to give me the best life possible. My aparents were good parents. And I'm not totally dysfunctional -- I've been married 27 years, have 3 kids, etc. I'm just a little insecure and emotionally sensitive, but that's okay.

GIRL, I have the SAME look in all my baby pictures, lol! My A Mom always said I would just stare at people all the time, like, "Who ARE you people???"

There are soooo many books out there that have helped me. "Primal Wound" and "25 things every adopted child wished their adopted parents knew" helped me more than I can say.

When I read those books, it was if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders- like "Yes!!! I am normal!!!" (whatever normal is, lol)

Another one, which I recommend to EVERYONE is "The Girls Who Went Away." I had glimpses into my n mom's life while she was at the maternity home, and knew it was bad, I had NO IDEA some of the things that went on, which seemed to be "the norm" back then.

Part of the healing process is understanding us & them, and it is NOT easy for any of us. I do think it's worth it in the end, though!

"However, I realize that everyone involved in my adoption had only my best interests at heart. My bmom relinquished me to give me the best life possible. My aparents were good parents. And I'm not totally dysfunctional -- I've been married 27 years, have 3 kids, etc. I'm just a little insecure and emotionally sensitive, but that's okay."

Bingo.

[bethy724]

I'm a foster/adoptive mom & can add that YES - a baby recegonized the smell/sound ect of their bmom - my now adopted son was taken at 3 months old & his first visit w/ bmom (after 5 weeks w/me) he was sleeping & the SECOND she held him & he sniffed in he woke up crying/screaming. He didn't have a pleasant 1st 3 months but BABIES KNOW their bmom - good or bad memories.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by bethy724

I'm a foster/adoptive mom & can add that YES - a baby recegonized the smell/sound ect of their bmom - my now adopted son was taken at 3 months old & his first visit w/ bmom (after 5 weeks w/me) he was sleeping & the SECOND she held him & he sniffed in he woke up crying/screaming. He didn't have a pleasant 1st 3 months but BABIES KNOW their bmom - good or bad memories.

You have no idea how powerful this post is. Wow. It almost made me cry.

[cetalley]

I have a short story....In 1978 I married 1 month shy of my 17th B-day. Immediately, my husband wante children..he said he wanted to grow WITH our children and needed to be able to understand what they were going through....Fast forward 3 months later pregnant...happilyu...I sang(even though that is not what anyone would call my singing), I read, My husband played guitar, I and my husband spoke to my child in womb, every night at bedtime...Fast forward He was born, He loves to read , he can play ALMOST every musical instrument, and refuses to go to bed WITHOUT talking everynight! I can't carry atune worth your life on a bet...but yet he can write and play music...as if he were BORN to do so! You tell me? I relinquished twin sons in 1986...I did all the same....I have not had GODS Blessings to reunite...so I can not tell you if this theory is true. However, the night before I left my twins at the hospital, after 4-5 hrs of holding and loving them, THEY were extrememly agitated, when I started to leave the "FAMILY ROOM" I picked each of them up and they quit crying...I told each I would Love them no matter where they were and both were silent when I left...We shall see..GOD willing!

[SoniaRose]

LMNGambino, It's funny that you had the same look in your baby pictures -- I wonder how common that is in newly placed children.

bethy724, Wow -- It is amazing to hear your story. In a way, though, it makes me sad that I had visits with my bmom, and then she would leave...
Best of wishes with your new little son!!!

cetally, I have heard that infants even in the womb can sense their mother's feelings. I'm glad you communicated positive thoughts to your twins. Hopefully you'll meet them someday.

[escottswanson]

This is an interesting thread!

My first mother relinquished me at birth... growing up I never really thought about being adopted, I had always known though.

So... sometime in the spring of 1995 I wrote a song for her and started actively searching for her. I used some poetic license in my song with the lyric "So you turned 40 this year and I can't find you anywhere" even though I wasn't exactly sure how old she was.

13 years later I found her death record: January 5, 1995. She was 40 when she died of pneumonia, one of the things my non ID info said she was succeptible to at age 16! She was a single Mom and my brother was 15 at the time.

Looking back now, I have to think that there was a connection. As she was dying somehow she reached out to me, I think she was hoping that I would be able to find my brother and take care of him. I did find him this February... better late than never I guess

[bethy724]

As unpleasant as my sons 1st 3 months were I accept that there is a love/bond that is undeniable. His bio mom didn't protect him or his brother (from a boyfriend) but she cried after every visit & the last visit was painful for everybody.

SoniaRose - your bio mom was an AMAZING woman to visit you - it is PAINFUL for any bio parent to visit - you are one in a million to have had visits & go thru adoption (unless you were taken by CPS - even than bio's don't show up because it is to painful to visit) I'm confident every bio mom (especially those that love their children so much to give them up -not have them taken away) LOVES their child/WANTS their child & cries often when they think about their baby - even when abuse/neglect occours - I'll never know the bond between bio mom/child but I have an amazing bond w/ my son that I can't put into words.

I'm able to volunteer & provide respite care onthe weekends to foster children (mostly babies) because I can recegonize that these children come from unbelievable situations but their bio's did something right - they made these beautiful children& God made them. Hope I didn't go off the post a bit w/ foster children - but it is a fact that I see w/ my own eyes-there is a biological bond at every age-no matter the circumstance of mom/child being seperated.

[SoniaRose]

bethy724,
Thanks again for the validation. I know that my bmom was an amazing woman -- she was already a loving mom/widow with 2 kids so she was more mature at my birth. But it grieves me to think that she struggled so much with her decision and tried so hard to convince my bdad to marry her. It's all so sad, and I can't imagine what those visits must have been like for both of us.

It's good to hear from a foster/adoptive mom, and it's great you're on this forum to share ideas. Keep up with good work with those foster kids.

At least now I no longer believe I was neglected in my foster home (the agency placed all newborns in foster care for the first 9 months). If I was unhappy, it was probably because I was missing my bmom. I'm sure those maternal visits didn't make it any easier for my foster mom. I think I'm gaining a new appreciation for you foster parents.

escottswanson,
I like your story. I do believe there is a psychic bond between bmom and child. I also believe that events that seem like coincidences are coincidental at all.

I remember very well the evening when I found the Internet posting looking for me. I was sitting at the computer doing not much of anything when a thought entered my mind out of the blue to google my birthdate and city of birth. I later learned that the date was two days before my bmom's birthday, and two days later, on her birthday, was when I first learned about her and that she died way before her time.

I am also touched that my aparents live only a mile from my bmom's grave. My aparents raised me in a different county, but moved to their current house 30 years ago. So many times I had driven by that cemetery and had no idea. I like to think that she is watching over them as well as me.

This is probably pretty farfetched, but my heart skipped a beat when I read that my bmom's name means "pearl". As an adult, I have always worn a pearl pendant as my main piece of jewelry. I would like to think that I have been keeping her close to my heart.

Maybe I read too many "New Age" books, but I do find significance in small events. I think we all get messages from our loved ones in spirit.

[breno]

HI
Thought I would add that there is a book I read that could really help you connect some of these feelings called :THE PRIMAL WOUND please locate it eitehr at your local library or purchase it- YOU certainly will be emotionally blessed that you read this :-)
Ms Brenda

[KaraAgnarsdottir]

Wow this thread really made me feel not alone...

I don't know if I am neccessarily bonded to my birthmother... but I have always wondered... as for being able to bond to my adoptive mother... we never have bonded... my adoptive brother (Her biological son) is like gold to her whereas I have never been of much importance in comparison... to this day we cannot live within 20 miles of each other without driving each other crazy...

[islandmom]

I am a bmom. Placing my child for adoption was The Hardest Thing I've ever done in my life. I imagine your bmom bonded as much as possible with you in your first days. She probably knew it was going to be like tearing her heart out of her body when she relinquished you.

[Jackiejdajda]

islandmom

Placing my child for adoption was The Hardest Thing I've ever done in my life. I imagine your bmom bonded as much as possible with you in your first days.

I did not see my son.. did not hold him and did not visit him..
Telling him this on that first phone call was beyond difficult..

Hello islandmom.. welcome to the forums..

Jackie