[SoniaRose]

Bmoms should never feel guilty about whether or not you had a chance to hold your baby -- you did what you were told, and you had your baby's best interest at heart.

I would imagine that bmoms are advised not to hold and bond with the baby as if that would make your pain less real. I had often wondered to myself if my bmom had ever seen me after she gave birth. I had assumed the adoption agency carted me away so she wouldn't have the chance to bond and change her mind. Of course, now I know that she not only saw me in the hospital, but visited with me during my first 8 months. Although I am so very touched, I wonder if she and I would have been better off emotionally if we had never bonded only to be separated for the rest of our physical lives.

KaraAgnarsdottir,
I don't know if I ever had a good physical bonding with my amom -- I've never been the warm, cuddly type, but neither was she. We were not a touchy-feely family. I have always been a little distant. But my amom and I got along okay, and we actually had a lot in common. But any differences of opinion between mother and child only become more pronounced because I think that we adoptees feel that our amoms don't understand us. She wanted in some ways for me to be like her, and I wasn't like her.

[KaraAgnarsdottir]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

KaraAgnarsdottir,
I don't know if I ever had a good physical bonding with my amom -- I've never been the warm, cuddly type, but neither was she. We were not a touchy-feely family. I have always been a little distant. But my amom and I got along okay, and we actually had a lot in common. But any differences of opinion between mother and child only become more pronounced because I think that we adoptees feel that our amoms don't understand us. She wanted in some ways for me to be like her, and I wasn't like her.

I don't think that it is all that uncommon that mothers and daughters have trouble bonding... I just have grown recognizing that my abrother is mommy's favorite...

I was my adad's favorite... he said that my being adopted did not matter at all to him... that he forgot I wasn't his biological daughter... i think that pregnancy plays a big role in bonding for a mother...

I think that natural bond cannot be compared for a mother to her child... I know my birthmom bonded with me... she tried to care for me for the first 6 months of my life and then determined adoption was better... but still I know she did her darndest for me... I just wish I could thank her...

[bonate]

I am not really qualified as to your situation. I am just a year younger than you. However, I was not given up until the age of 3. I remembered certain things of my bfamily though not a lot. I probably have blocked out a lot. I was finally adopted around the age of 6. I have recently found my bmother this year. My amother passed away in 91. It seems that my bmother and I have found a real bond. She has told me that she visited with me during the time we were in foster care. the foster mother finally asked that she stop coming because it upset me so much. I do remember some of the foster homes. However, I do not remember my mother coming to visit or taking me home with her one Christmas to visit with the family. One of my sons was born in a small town hospital with no reserved nursery or delivery room area. I was not allowed to hold him much during those first few hours of his life because the hospital did not want to take a chance he may become sick. I always hoped that our not bonding in those first few hours did not have an adverse effect on him. However, he has struggled to overcome many things during his short life-he is only 32. I am so happy that I have been able to find my bparents and get to know them. I had a wonderful afamily and I know that because my parents were eventually able to sign those adoption papers, i did have a better life. My quest now is to find my brother and sister who were also given up. I had no idea about the sister. I always knew I had a brother and constantly asked where he was. Of course, no one could tell me. I remembered a baby crying, but I always associated that with my brother. I was rather surprised to find out that the baby was my sister who was only a few months old when we were taken away. My bmother who is now in her 70's says that she can still hear babies crying. I cannot imagine her grief at losing 3 of us at the same time. My brother was born at Major Hospital in Indiana in Dec of 1955. My sister was born at what is now Wishard Hospital in Indianapolis in July of 1957. Brother and sis - if you are out there, know that I am looking and hoping to find both of you

[furrybluemom]

we just brought our new daughter home last week. i spent 23 days in texas with her. we visited with her birth family often and for 3 weekends birth mom stayed with us at the hotel and shared in caregiving. i had been thinking all week about how dd is more fussy since being home. i really feel she is missing bmom. i know i am and i've only just meet her. i wish i knew how to make this easier on dd. she just wants me to hold her which is making hubby and big brothers feel like i'm not sharing. this post confirmed my suspisions.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by furrybluemom

we just brought our new daughter home last week. i spent 23 days in texas with her. we visited with her birth family often and for 3 weekends birth mom stayed with us at the hotel and shared in caregiving. i had been thinking all week about how dd is more fussy since being home. i really feel she is missing bmom. i know i am and i've only just meet her. i wish i knew how to make this easier on dd. she just wants me to hold her which is making hubby and big brothers feel like i'm not sharing. this post confirmed my suspisions.

You need to do this. Look for books on attachment disorders. There is a place here on this site, I think, where you can learn tips to help the baby. Is there no way the n mom can stay with you in your home for a while?