[SoniaRose]

It appears that my half-sis doesn't want to talk to me.

My story starts back in the early 50's. My bmom was a widow with 2 children (ages 8 and 9) when she relinquished me for adoption immediately after birth. She was living with my bfather who refused to marry her. My bmom told the social worker that she wanted to keep me very badly. Both my bparents died many years ago.

Last year I learned my identity and wrote a letter to the woman whom I believed to be my half-sis. She called and told me some very nice things about her/my mom, but also told stories about how horrible and abusive my bfather was to all of them. She told me that her brother wanted no contact with me, and then she told me to go back to my family.

Of course, I was very distressed after that conversation. A few months later, I sent her another letter and some photos telling her about me and my children. I wrote that I had no intention of interfering in her family, but just wanted her to know that we are all good people. She called, and this time she was friendlier. She actually gave me her new address and phone number (she had just moved). She said she finally just told her husband about me; she said she would try to share my letter with her brother; and she offered to send me a picture of her/my mom.

I was optimistic at first, but the picture of my bmom never arrived. Last summer I sent her a short note asking about the picture, but got no response. Last month I called her phone #; her husband told me she would call back. Nothing. I waited 3 weeks before I called again, and I ended up leaving a message on the answering machine. Again, no response.

Now there's always the possibility that she could be in the middle of a long vacation, but it sure looks like she is avoiding me. Now I don't know what to do??? Do I dare call again? I don't want to leave another message on the answering machine. If they have "caller id", will they know it's me if I hang up? Oh gosh, I'm starting to sound like a stalker!!! I feel so terribly vulnerable. At what point should I give up?

Another question: would it be really tacky for me to eventually write my half-brother's two daughters and let them know of my existence. They might be excited to learn that they have 3 new cousins (my children). The daughters are in their early 30's, but they do work for their father's business. They probably are pretty close to him.

I am just so tired of being a "family secret". I just don't know what to do. I will appreciate any advice or thoughts.

[winter444]

This sounds very familiar. When brelatives are contacted, at first they seem really happy, saying they are thrilled, will always keep in contact and will call/email in a few days, then it never happens, they just stop everything without a word. ( Now, I do know that this happens with adoptees too)
For one, I think this is so cruel, to have us sit and wait for that email or telephone call, I would rather they let me know they have thought about it and think they are just not ready, anything...just answer us. I am going through this with one 1/2 sibling, he called me so excited and now nothing, it hurts.
I feel strongly though that you need an answer, is this just too difficult for your sister right now or what is the reason she's not answering you. Do you have her home address? Maybe you could write her a letter explaining how confused you are and could she let you know how she's feeling as you've not heard back from her.
Many of us here know exactly what it feels like to be the secret, it's a terrible feeling. I would probably try to get an answer from your sister first before contacting anyone else, having said that though, if she still doesn't reply within a reasonable time I would contact others in the family, they are your family too and may be very happy to hear from you, you just never know.
Sending you hugs...

[LMNGambino]

Hmmmm. Are you 100% sure your brother wants no contact? Have you talked to him yourself, or received a letter from him?
I could not take that as fact unless it came from him. I would contact him myself, and then ask him to send pics of your Mom.
I dont think it's a good idea to tell his children unless you have talked to him, although they are adults.
I was a secret from my sibs for 22 years, and I know how upsetting and unfait it is. I am meeting 2 of them this weekend for the first time!!! I was told they would have no interest in me, and they are thrilled.

[SoniaRose]

Thanks for the advice. It's always good to hear another person's perspective.

Winter444, I feel bad for you too that you've had similar difficulties. Waiting and waiting for a person to respond is extremely stressful. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last several months. I know I need to get an answer from my half-sis; maybe I should try writing a letter as you suggested. I have tried to be so patient with this whole process; it's been over 7 months now since she last called me. It hurts that I mean so little to her.

LMNGambino, you bring up an interesting point that maybe my half-brother might be receptive if contacted directly. I need to find out from my half-sis if she actually talked to her brother since my last letter. She had told me that he was more traumatized by the abuse under my bfather, so it does make sense that he wouldn't want anything to do with me. Sometimes I suspect that he is the one who has discouraged her from further contact with me. I sure wish I knew what was going on...
By the way, I wish you all the best in your reunion this weekend. So happy for you!!!

[melissa_bear003]

I'm sorry that you aren't finding the answers you hoped for

The one thing I will comment on is that I wouldn't contact your half brothers daughters. My dh doesn't have anything to do with several of his bsibs, and it would absolutely have him furious if they were to contact our children in the future. Since you say that they're close with their dad, I think contacting them could cause more ill will than good.

[SoniaRose]

I was only thinking of writing to my half-brother's two daughters if future letters or phone calls remain unanswered or if my half-siblings tell me that they don't want to hear from me again. I agree that contacting the daughters would make their dad furious, so I will keep your comments in mind. It probably would be better if one of my kids actually made the contact sometime in the future.

[Jo Ellen]

I have been in a similar situation with one of my 1/2 sisters. I have called and called with no reply so I am to the point I don't call but will occassionally send her a card and ask my bmom about how she and her family are doing when we talk. IMO this all stinks!!

[Jo Ellen]

Something else I didn't say in my earlier post but I have found if I focus on relationships with those who want it in return I end up being much more content with how things are going. I have to realize not everyone is going to be open about this. And I will say again it all stinks....lol

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

I was only thinking of writing to my half-brother's two daughters if future letters or phone calls remain unanswered or if my half-siblings tell me that they don't want to hear from me again. I agree that contacting the daughters would make their dad furious, so I will keep your comments in mind. It probably would be better if one of my kids actually made the contact sometime in the future.

I can only speak from my perspective, as the wife of an adoptee that has cut contact off with several birth sibs. Honestly, if your half sibs don't want contact, how would contacting your nieces do anything but harm? You know it would make your half brother furious, and since his dds are close with him, the chance of them having positive contact with you is slim.

I'm not saying its fair, but I think approaching nieces is beyond 'ok' parameters. As much as you have the right to seek contact and info, your sibs and parents have the right to say no...and going around them to their kids is just inappropriate to me.

Again, I come from a perspective of married to an adoptee that wants nothing to do with several sibs, for good reasons (addiction, criminal behaviour) so that's where I'm speaking from...but I can't see going behind a father's back to his daughters ending well.

[cetalley]

It always makes me sad , as a firstmom, to hear of the sadness we still inflict upon our children that were relnquished...even unintentionally! I know you speak if bsibs, etc., and this is most definately a tough process for those sibs. Especially when ill-feelings are towards your firstdad. It is IMPOSSIBLE for these bsibs to know, what it is you seek. They cannot know know because they are not the ones following in this journey. I have th utmost compassion for all outside the immediate triad...HOWEVER...I feel the child (adoptee) relinquished has EVERY right to know of where they come...no exceptions. If you are a (SECRET) it was not by your doing, You have prepared yourself for rejection thus far, and may meet more of the same...I do not feel that wanting pictures and wanting to know more of your life, is too much to ask for. GO FOR IT! Just be prepared for the hurt that may follow. I send this with Sincerity and Peace...

[donnaparadise]

It seems to me that she has been pretty clear that she does not want any connection. She told you in the beginning to go on with your life, but you insisted and wrote her again. She responded but it seems to me that she has had second thoughts and does not want a relationship with you.

Contacting nieces or anyone else will not help if she doesn't want a connection and will only cause more upset and harm in the long run.

I'm sorry but some times we just don't get what we would like to and you just might have to consider backing off and leaving her alone.

If you contact the brother after being told he doesn't want contact with you and you find out that is true, then all doors should be closed.

I'm sorry you feel the need to pursue this but I can only see more heartache for you in the long run here.

It is hard to accept this, I can imagine. And, I wish it were not so. However, it looks as though you will need to accept the reality of your situation and find another avenue to put your energies into as this is going to get more painful, I think.

I wish you well. I wish you peace and acceptance and all things good.

[snuffie]

Hi
Oh, I know how difficult the waiting can be. I am reunited with my brothers and sisters and a birth cousin.
I've had periods when I don't hear from one of them for long periods of time. No emails or letters answered etc. In a lot of cases life has just gotten in the way.
In one case I didn't hear from one of them for about a year. There were many problems going on and they didn't want to burden me with them and basically, wanted to just "stop the world" for a little while.

That may be all it is.

I know during those times being an adoptee made me feel insecure and that it was my "fault" or about me when it really wasn't anything like that at all.

Now I try to keep myself very busy (life is doing that for me!) and not worry if I don't hear from one or all for a while.

Best wishes to you.

Snuffie

[melissa_bear003]

I agree with Donna.

[cetalley]

Some of the other post offer you sincere advice, as they are wise. You seem to be determined and ready to except rejection from the sibs, if this is what is meant to be. I cannot condone "stalking" of sorts, but still do feel you have a right to answers. Can we MAKE someone answer us , NO! But to except a 3rd party speaking on her brothers behalf , in my opinon, is not exceptable. If you wish to persue this, I feel it is your right. I will say once again though, you must be prepared for what the answers will be. I think if you let them know, maybe some time needs to pass, but if you let them know, all you seek is at the very LEAST photos, you should do so. No, you cannot make someone let you into their life, but you can let them know you understand and would at least like photos, to help complete your journey. You are always going to get opinions from all of us in the triad, that differ from your own, and it is good to get those opinions...but in the long run..when all is said and done, YOU are the only one whom can decide. Just know what to expect and except what you can get. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing...you may even help someone in the same predicament! You may even consider giving them your phone number in the event they change their minds later and would like to contact you. I hope this works out for you, some photos is NOT too much to ask of anyone.

[SoniaRose]

I would like to thank everyone for their support and comments.

I guess the consensus seems to be that it would be improper for me to contact my half-brother's daughters. I had been struggling with the idea myself. The selfish side of me says that since he has hurt me, it's okay to hurt him; my kinder side reminds me that he is my mother's son and I must love him as my brother. Hopefully I will be able to take the high road if/when I come to that point.

No one has suggested that I try to place another phone call to my half-sis, so I will probably send her one last letter. With the holiday season approaching, I may wait until after the New Year. I feel justified in writing her because she never sent that picture she mentioned. I suppose I could eventually write a letter directly to my half-brother; what do I have to lose but another small piece of my heart and a big chunk of my self-esteem? The fear of rejection is a heavy weight; this is not something I want to do, but feel I must.

For the last year I was cautiously hopeful that my half-siblings might begin to accept me, but since the unreturned phone calls, I am realizing that this may not be. I never particularly expected a relationship with these "strangers" (even though we are from the same womb), but I would certainly like a warmer reception and a validation that my existence means something to them.

I will post again if anything changes. Maybe my half-sis is really on an extended vacation after all, and she'll call when she gets back -- LOL