[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

Yes, I do understand that it is the situation, not me personally, that my half-sibs are rejecting.

Although I know I am not at all responsible for anything that happened in the past, it's sad that the circumstances surrounding my birth caused so much pain for so many people. I would like to help heal the hurt, but it appears that I can't.

You know what, SoniaRose? We CAN'T help them- they have to WANT to heal from the hurt. I see this undercurrent in myself & so many adoptees- trying to help everyone heal. It helps me to help others.
But at some point, I usually feel like Im banging my head on a brick wall.

It's amazing that we think like that. I mean, our mere existence causes so many people pain, yet WE want to make it all better for them. For me, it helps in MY healing, but sometimes...... UGH.

I try to understand how some n family members are rejecting not us, but the situation, and it's really hard. I mean, we had NO control over our births and subsequent relinquishment. It's so dehumanizing.

All we can say is, "Here I am, Im me, and I would like to get to know you", and wait.

Like Tom Petty sings, "The Waiting is the Hardest Part".

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by kune

Does she live far away from you? If I was in your shoes I'd drive / fly to her town and knock on her door. It may be the only opportunity you get to meet a birthsibling. I can't imagine how hard it is for you knowing you have a brother and sister but neither being the slightest bit interested in getting to know this "new" sister.

Best Wishes
Ann

No offence to anyone, but I'd really REALLY advise against this. They've already made their feelings clear, and showing up on their doorstep would just make things worse, and potentially end with criminal charges.

Different situation, in that dh has met his sibs, and they're addicts, but guaranteed that if one of them showed up to meet me or our kids (they have never) dh would absolutely call the police.

Turning up on someone's doorstep after being told no would really be crossing a line imo.

[SoniaRose]

I'm afraid that I would never knock on someone's door -- I am way too timid for that. I was even petrified to place the two phone calls that I did.

Melissa, I'm sorry that your husband's b-sibs have so many difficulties. Before I answered the query looking for me last year (posted by some 2nd cousins on my bdad's side), I set up a new email acct. so I couldn't be easily traced in case the people looking for me were undesirable. I would still "love" my sibs if they had turned out to be criminals or addicts, but I wouldn't want to get too close (for my own sanity). It turns out that my 2nd cousins are all good people, and my two half-sibs are respectable and upper class. So maybe I should count my blessings...

My plan now is to write my half-sibs a letter in early 2009 (why do today what I can put off till tomorrow?). And I will hold out hope that there may eventually be contact between my half-sibs' children and my own children someday. The younger generation will have no sorrowful memories of the past to hinder a relationship. It's interesting that my daughter spent a week in my half-bro's city (1000 miles away) shortly before I found out my identity. She and his daughters are all professional women as well as being granddaughters of the same lady! Maybe another opportunity will come in the future.

In my adoption story, I was the product of a "meaningful relationship" (my bmom's words), and my bmom wanted to keep me very badly. That's why I don't want to crawl back under my little rock. Yes, I have that urge to stand on top of the mountain and shout out, "Here I am!"

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

Melissa, I'm sorry that your husband's b-sibs have so many difficulties. Before I answered the query looking for me last year (posted by some 2nd cousins on my bdad's side), I set up a new email acct. so I couldn't be easily traced in case the people looking for me were undesirable. I would still "love" my sibs if they had turned out to be criminals or addicts, but I wouldn't want to get too close (for my own sanity).

I'll be honest, dh doesn't love his sibs, with the exception of the 2 we have an ongoing relationship with. They're simply dangerous strangers that share genetics. He tried to have relationships with them at the start, and blew up in his face. The one sister that he did have contact with when we were first married is now cut out, as she's also turned to drugs, has stolen from us, etc.

I'll go one step further in saying that I have a bdad and bbro that I don't love either. Neither of them are dangerous, addicts, etc...but they're strangers, and biology doesn't mean an instant bond of any sort...at least for me. I have a dad, and brothers that I was raised with, and other than a strong physical resemblance, there really wasn't anything to tie me to either my bdad or bbro. We were worlds apart in experience, memories, lives, even language. (Bdad and bbro are French Canadian) Add in some lies and broken promises by bdad, and it wasn't a loss on my part to shrug and walk away, more of a relief, actually.

I'm in an odd spot in the triad. Kinda 'half' adopted, in the sense that I grew up knowing that I had a bdad and bbro out there somewhere. Wife to an adoptee. Planning on being aparents. It gives me this weird perspective to see so many different angles and empathize with directly opposed views. I can understand the desire to know from the adoptee, I can understand the complete lack of interest from the birth sib side...Odd place to be.

[SoniaRose]

Oops -- I've been thinking about something I wrote in my last post, and I hope it doesn't get taken the wrong way.
When I said that I was the product of a relationship and my bmom wanted to keep me, I only meant that I thought that was more of a reason why my reluctant half-sibs should try to accept me.

I didn't mean to imply that any adoptee who is not the product of a committed relationship is any less important or less loved. I really believe that most bmoms would want to keep their child if the situation were different. We all have value, and we all should be welcomed by our bfamilies.

Did I get my foot out of my mouth? Sorry if I offended anyone. I didn't mean it like it sounded.

[dpen6]

Melissa,

your position is called "adopteelite" its fairly common....LOL/ the thing about this whole thing is that we are all very differnt and our situations are all very differnt. My 2 brothers(adoptive) and sister(adoptive) situations are all very differnt. My SIL can tell me how she feels about my brother situation and how it may affect her and her children and my other SIL will have a totally diffeernt take. My husband is married to an adoptee and has no idea on what I may really feel as he has his own judgment on my adoption. Hopefully we can all communicate and talk about it but one doe not know better then the other. when I had my reunion 23 years ago now there was no internt to guide me. I picked up the phone and called my bbro who had a business a few town over from where I grew up. I made up a story on how I was planning a reunion of peole that worked at a faactory many years ago and was wondering if ginger was his mother...he said yes and that she was living in Georgia...I nearly DIED...hung up the phone, shaking like a leaf, called my mom who promplty told me to get BACK on the phone and tell the truth. I did. It could have gone south very quikly..it didn't because my bbro thought the whole thing was cool! ...LOL both of my bsiblings are upstanding folks(albeit have had their issues...as have most of us) and are nothing to be afraid of. I m nothing to be afraid of. so my situation was very differnt from your husbands. In todays world it is frowned upon to just knock on doors, rightfully so but in my ignorance I did and it worked(phew).

Sonia, I don't think anyone took offense at your wording. I can honestly say that I never felt that I was an "unwanted child" I intuitetivly knew that the reason for me being placed for adoption had nothing to do with me personally but instead it was a bad sitution. Someone may totally love or hate a "baby" but they have no knowledge on who that baby is to become and whether or not they will love them or hate them..so even if my bmom thought I was the worst thing to happen to her it wasn't really about me but her and the situation she got herself into.

[Alli_Driscoll]

I'm rarely on the site anymore, but decided to drop by today. I think it's horribly sad that your bparents are deceased and you've lost that chance to get to know them. None of use chose to be born into the situations we were. However, neither were your bsiblings. I hope what I'm about to say isn't too harsh. I believe that every adoptee is entitled to know their history. I don't think any bparent has the right to privacy. But bsiblings? They never had a say either. If they don't want contact, they don't want contact. You just have to accept it. I think that if you're going to make contact again, you should write a letter. Tell her how much you would like to get to know her and tell her that you understand how hard this must be for her. And then tell her that you won't bother her anymore except to give her any change in your info (if you move) in case she were to change her mind. You need to find closure, and that's not her responsibility, it's yours.

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by Alli_Driscoll

I don't think any bparent has the right to privacy.

I respectfully disagree with that. Everyone has the right to privacy. I don't think that a bparent is any more obligated to contact/info/relationship than anyone else in the triad.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by melissa_bear003

I respectfully disagree with that. Everyone has the right to privacy. I don't think that a bparent is any more obligated to contact/info/relationship than anyone else in the triad.

Melissa I agree with the privacy issue regarding contact and relationship but not the information I do beleive that a bparents has an obligation to give their offspring information that pertains to that offspring. To withhold is very very wrong., no matter what the reason. Some adoptees may beleive they don't want it but many of us do. Its is a birthriight...IMO. Each day you read in the paper another illiness has been classified as a genatic illiness, another story on someone finding genatic and family history, another story on the importance of roots. And the only reason why I can't have it is because I am adopted? WRong, wrong, wrong. I have 5 children that lack of info not only impacts me but it impacts them and their children. I have heard the argument that we just need to take care of ourselves....well insurance co won't pay for the litany of tests needed. I have often spoke of my brother(adopted) that had his first heart attack at the age of 34, triple bypass and the need for a stent at the age of 44...probale inherited heart diesese alnot with throid diesease. He had sx's before but had no idea what it was...he was only 34..maybe if he had family history he could have started cardiac screening in his 20's. and avoided the fininacial,emotional and his family could have avoided the stress. Their business is MY business just by the mere fact they created and had me....

[ssspro360]

To be honest, I think if she wants nothing to do with you, you stop. You shouldn't try to force yourself on her. And writing your half brothers children is just crossing the line. I know it might be hard, but just drop it. Wait for her to responds she obviously gets the picture that you want contact but ever think of her? Maybe she doesn't. She is your half-sister, yes, but has she ever been there for you when you needed her? did she find you? Does she even want to talk to you? so yes she is technically "family" by definition but do you really want some one like that in your family? I consider my best friends family because they have been there for me my whole life. They would do anything for me thats what makes them my sisters...not blood. It's the relationship you have with them.

Just give it a rest. She knows your out there. But you can't make her love you.

[snow princess]

While I'm sorry that your bsibs want nothing to do with you, you cannot force them to have contact.
I also agree that contacting your bbro's children is crossing the line.

Just because we are blood relatives does not mean that we are guaranteed a relationship of any kind with bfamily if you are adopted or bchild if you are a bparent.

I think it would have been nice for your bsis to send you some pics of your bmom and maybe some medical history, but again, it's her choice, you cant force it.

You mentioned that your bsis said that your bfather was very abusive to them. Those memories of him could be some of why they don't want contact with you - might just bring up too many bad memories for them - you do have to look at it from their point of view also.

I do wish you the best, if I were you , I don't know if I would attempt to contact her again, but if you choose to, I would send a very short note asking her if she would be kind enough to send you family medical history on your Mom's side and a pic of your mom.

If you do that and get no response, I would consider it case closed at that point and would consider it that right now other than asking for medical history.

best wishes
M

[Alli_Driscoll]

I probably should have clarified that better. Everybody does have a right to privacy, but I do not believe that privacy extends to keeping information from someone who had no choice in the matter. I believe that a bparent absolutely has the right to refuse contact, but I don't think they should be allowed to not give medical history.

Originally Posted by melissa_bear003

I respectfully disagree with that. Everyone has the right to privacy. I don't think that a bparent is any more obligated to contact/info/relationship than anyone else in the triad.

[FallenChild]

dpen- what is the definition of "adopeeelite" ??

fc

[BrockBaby]

My understanding of an adoptee-lite, is a person who remained with either the mother or father of their origins and then were adopted by a step parent.

There are many absent parents in children's lives...that does not make them an adoptee-lite, in my opinion. (and even maybe by definition of what an adoptee-lite is) I think to have the word adoptee attached to your "status" you have to have been adopted by someone......it's just that some people are adopted by one parent, while the other is their biological parent...making them an adoptee-lite.

[SoniaRose]

I don't mean to belabor the point, but it has not been entirely clear that my half-sis doesn't want anything to do with me. When she first called, she was not thrilled that I had been found, but she did tell me that I should let her know if I had any more questions. The second time she called, she gave me her new unlisted phone # and address. She also seemed more chatty, telling me some things about her own life and family. Then when I called a few weeks ago and talked to her husband, he and I conversed for a few minutes before he asked what was a good time for her to call me back. Like a dummy, I answered, "no hurry". I ended up calling back three weeks later and left a message on the machine because I thought that perhaps he forgot to give her the message. So that's why I'm confused. If she had told me that she wanted to drop all contact, I would listen. I'm just left here wondering what has gone wrong...

But I appreciate everyone's advice. Yes, I know that my half-sibs don't really owe me anything, and I can't force anyone to like me. My half-sis was nice enough to tell me about my bmom's medical history, but lately I've realized that I know nothing about the health of her parents and sibs -- I have added those to my list of questions.

I will take the advice to write her a short letter instead of a long one. I have a tendency to ramble on too long (as I'm doing now)...thanks for letting me air my feelings.