[Janeytwo]

Dear SoniaRose,

but I would certainly like a warmer reception and a validation that my existence means something to them.

My heart went out to you when I read this sentence.

Oh SoniaRose, this is a tough thing this looking to others; hoping they will live up to our expectations, our desires. People have a way of disappointing us. Heck, we have a way of disappointing ourselves, let's face it. I have often said that if it weren't for the homosapiens this place would be paradise! LOL!! (And I include myself in that statement.)

(((( SoniaRose)))) It may come to be that your siblings are not capable of giving you what you need. And then you must turn to yourself. You must find a way to know that you are a person who matters; that you count in this life; that you are valid and that your existence means a great deal.

And if others cannot see that? Well, that will hurt for a time - for a long time maybe. In the end, we must love ourselves even if others do not. Otherwise, we live our lives in sorrow and that is not a life at all.

You are worthy of love SoniaRose.

To thine own self be true
William Shakespeare

[SoniaRose]

Janeytwo, thank you for the kind words.

Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic with my statements. I know in my brain that I am responsible for my own self-worth, but in my heart I am frustrated that I can't reach out to my bmom's two children. They're in pain too, or they wouldn't be avoiding me.

Yes, I understand that it is their problem, not mine. I know that they are not rejecting me as a person because they don't even know me. To them, I just represent the past, an unhappy part of their lives.

Thanks for letting me vent, though. Thanks for listening.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

Janeytwo, thank you for the kind words.

Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic with my statements. I know in my brain that I am responsible for my own self-worth, but in my heart I am frustrated that I can't reach out to my bmom's two children. They're in pain too, or they wouldn't be avoiding me.

Yes, I understand that it is their problem, not mine. I know that they are not rejecting me as a person because they don't even know me. To them, I just represent the past, an unhappy part of their lives.

Thanks for letting me vent, though. Thanks for listening.

My first mom won't even reply to the letter I wrote to her, so I reached out to one of my brothers. I have five older siblings, all full. Anyway, I've tried and tried with him and I finally said that enough is enough. I don't have time to be yo yo'd around. I remember how it felt like it was me and I couldn't figure him out. Well who knows what is going on in his head, but I can't try to figure it out anymore. He is what he is and if he wants to contact me he can, he knows where I am. He'll have to take that step though.

Protect your heart. You are worth something and they are just missing out on you.

[Janeytwo]

Hey SoniaRose!

Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic with my statements.

I don't take it as you being overdramatic, sweetie. I take it as you being a person who's hurting. I take it as you being a person who's looking for comfort and compassion. And if you can't get it amongst the people in here who understand like no one else, well then, where can you turn right now? So no judgement-honest.

I know in my brain that I am responsible for my own self-worth, but in my heart I am frustrated

(((( SoniaRose )))) The longest distance any of us travels is the path between the mind and the heart. The mind is where we reason; the cold hard facts of life. But the heart? That's another place entirely, full of bramble and briar and longing. It takes a lifetime to bridge the gap between those two. And if anyone tells you different; if anyone tells you "Ehhh, just get over it"? Run!!! They're trying to sell you something that you definately don't want to buy!!!

And Belle is right........They are missing out on you!

[SWGAgirl]

SoniaRose- I totally understand your feelings and frustration and sadness with all this. I'm right there with you. Wish there was something I could do- but it seems like we all have to walk our own journeys- and none of us can do anything but be here and listen to each other.

I agree with the letter to your b-sister vs the phone call.

It is hard when you reach out and there is no response (which I am coming to realize IS a response.) It's just not the response we were hoping for, and it is hard for us to understand.

Heck this whole thing is hard to understand- on all sides.

Take care and let us know what happens.

[SoniaRose]

One thing about these forums is that I realize that I am not the only one with such problems.

Oh, dear -- the statement that "no response IS a response" rings very true.

Anyway, my head is in a different place because I just received my non-id papers two day ago. Although I already knew a lot about my bparents, I wanted to see what was in my files. I was surprised to learn that my bmom didn't sign the relinquishment papers until I was 8 months old, and she visited me several times while under the care of the adoption agency. My half-sibs also came along at least once. I had no idea any of my bfamily had seen me since the hospital.

I knew from an early letter from the adoption agency to my aparents that my bmom wanted to keep me very badly. But she was working to put my bdad through medical school, and raising me was not part of his plan. As these stories usually end, he went on to marry someone else after he became a doctor.

But the fact that she wouldn't sign the papers and had regular visits with me as an infant means her pain was prolonged. Maybe my half-sibs remember her tears and agonizing discussions with my bdad -- perhaps that's part of the reason they don't want to be reminded of the past. There's always so much more to a story that we think we know.

Yesterday I was even thinking that if my half-sis called, I'm not sure I would want to talk to her. There is/was so much sadness. But, unfortunately, I am stuck on this emotional roller coaster ride, and soon enough I will start getting annoyed again that she is ignoring me.

But I am convinced that my bmom was an amazing lady, and she passed on some really good genes to all three of her children. I know she would not be pleased to see me unhappy; she gave up so much for me to have a good life. I know I need to shake off this melancholy and get back to living and make her proud of me.

Now I'm thinking about the impact of her visits with me as an infant -- did I recognize her as a my bmom? I think I'll post that question in a new thread.

At least the non-id papers confirmed again for me that my bmom loved me. I love you too, Mom!!!

[SWGAgirl]

There's always so much more to a story that we think we know.

How true....................if someone would just TELL us the rest of the story- maybe we would understand it better. How can we understand something no one has told us? We can't..........and therein lies the problem.

[SWGAgirl]

And one more thing..............I do think our b-moms owe us the TRUTH about our "stories"- because that truth is rightfully ours.

. I know I need to shake off this melancholy and get back to living and make her proud of me.

See- this makes me SO SAD-if your mother would actually meet you she'd already be proud- you would not have to "prove" anything. It is so sad that we always think we have to prove something to our b-moms (and everyone else) in order for them to love us- that if we are "good enough" they will love us.

I have been guilty of the same thinking- but I am realizing I don't have to prove anything to anyone but myself.

[SoniaRose]

I realize I have been rambling on about my story for so long that it may not be clear that my bmom is deceased. Sadly, she died when I was only 11.

But I would like to have better communication with my half-sibs just so I could learn more about her. Yes, as an adoptee, I have often felt that I needed to "prove myself" and earn acceptance and love. But I know my bmom is with me in spirit and loves me (my amom loves me as well).

All is good with my moms -- it's those darn half-sibs who don't like me.

[SWGAgirl]

Oops so sorry- I see that now going back to your initial post. Anyhow- I do hope your siblings come around and have some positive communication with you. You deserve it..........and come to think of it- so do they!

[melissa_bear003]

Originally Posted by SoniaRose

All is good with my moms -- it's those darn half-sibs who don't like me.

I'm trying to find the right words here, and I'm saying this with the intention to help, not hurt, so please, if I screw it up and it comes out wrong, keep that in mind, ok?

Its not about YOU as a person. Its about the situation. Its about a stranger who has suddenly come onto the scene and shaken up their world. It could be about fear, anger, or an honest feeling of 'I don't need/want another sibling in my life, I'm good with who I am, where I'm at.'

Its about personal views, emotions, and the situation. You have to know someone before you can like them or not, and they have chosen not to even take that first step.

If you had bumped into a sib in another context, be it at work, coffee shop, whatever, and they'd gotten to know you, then they'd have had a chance to like you.

Its the situation they're rejecting. Not you.

I know, doesn't likely help much, but I just felt like I needed to speak.

[winter444]

Melissa above is right I know it, but it is so hard to think it's not us they are rejecting isn't it.

So many people, including my doctor, have told me it's not me my bmom or siblings are rejecting, of course though it feels very personal and it hurts, maybe with time we can see things better, who knows.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by SWGAgirl

And one more thing..............I do think our b-moms owe us the TRUTH about our "stories"- because that truth is rightfully ours.



See- this makes me SO SAD-if your mother would actually meet you she'd already be proud- you would not have to "prove" anything. It is so sad that we always think we have to prove something to our b-moms (and everyone else) in order for them to love us- that if we are "good enough" they will love us.

I have been guilty of the same thinking- but I am realizing I don't have to prove anything to anyone but myself.

You know, I've realized that I don't have to prove anything to my firstmom. I'm a **** good person and if she doesn't think I'm worth even writing a letter to, well, that's her problem not mine.

I hope my son never feels like he has to prove anything to me. I love that little guy with all my heart. I'm so glad he gets to know me growing up rather than the anguish and false dreams that I went through as a young adult.

[SoniaRose]

Yes, I do understand that it is the situation, not me personally, that my half-sibs are rejecting.

Although I know I am not at all responsible for anything that happened in the past, it's sad that the circumstances surrounding my birth caused so much pain for so many people. I would like to help heal the hurt, but it appears that I can't.

[kune]

Does she live far away from you? If I was in your shoes I'd drive / fly to her town and knock on her door. It may be the only opportunity you get to meet a birthsibling. I can't imagine how hard it is for you knowing you have a brother and sister but neither being the slightest bit interested in getting to know this "new" sister.

Best Wishes
Ann