[bflymc]

While talking to my bmom tonight she revealed to me that she (and my bgrandmother) personally knew my amom and adad. My amom and bmom/bgrandmother went to the same church, went out together, and were good friends for a while. My agrandmother/father even brought my amom home from the hospital after she had me!!
I was extremely shocked to hear this. I didn't really believe it at first. That would mean my bmom blatantly lied to me about knowing my bmom's name!! My amom and afather knew my bmom's name but still allowed me to go through this stress of finding them...why was she trying to hide this?
Also, incase you're wondering...I asked bmom why she didn't look for me and she said the last time she spoke to my amom she basically asked to break all communication(later my amom denied ever talkign to bmom after i was born :/)

So after this conversation I called my to ask my amom about this news and she went crazy!! She wouldn't answer one question and kept saying how my bmom was trying to turn me against her. She would say things like "look what she did, trying to upset you. you should be mad at her not me." Then she would say how this info. is not important anyway, but it's very important to me!! She knew everything and lied!!
So after that conversation(i ended up hanging up the phone) I called me dad and he was 100% calm and truthful. He told me they did know eachother, very well actually. Basically confirmed my bmom's story.

I've read stories on this messageboard of ap's lying to their children and always felt so bad for them. Now I empathize with them. I'm just very confused and upset right now. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is...maybe not?
Also, everything was going so well and now I feel like i should cut communication with my bmom (even though I want a relationship with her) butI don't want my amom to feel as though I'm taking sides. Then everything would be a huge mess.
Sorry, but I'm just upset right now and the way my amom reacted made everything worse. Does anyone have any advice about any part of this situation? I'm just really confused.

[RavenSong]

First of all, I want you to know how sorry I am that your parents lied to you. I know that must feel like a betrayal. Sometimes the fear of losing a child is so great that lying seems like the only way to deal with things. I don't think your parents lied to you out of malicious intent, but because they feared losing you.

My own advice on handling this situation with your amom is this: I would let it slide, at least for now. She's going thru a lot of emotions right now, a lot of fears. She's afraid of losing you...she's afraid that you'll love your birthmom more than her. These are natural emotions, and I just think that you need to give her a little slack right now.

Time will take care of a lot of her fears. As time goes by, she'll see for herself that you aren't abandoning her. I know you're hurt by the lies, and you have every right to feel angry about it. But I think for everyone's sake, it might be best to overlook it right now.

Good luck, hon. You've begun a journey that can be difficult at times. It will take a lot of patience, tolerance, and love. But you can do this....

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

First of all, I want you to know how sorry I am that your parents lied to you. I know that must feel like a betrayal. Sometimes the fear of losing a child is so great that lying seems like the only way to deal with things. I don't think your parents lied to you out of malicious intent, but because they feared losing you.

...... But I think for everyone's sake, it might be best to overlook it right now.

:

Sorry, but that honks me off. WHY, WHY, WHY, are WE, the ADOPTEES, always the ones who have to let things slide & smooth things over for everyone else's secrets and lies??? Yes. SECRETS. And. LIES. I dont care if there was "no mailicious intent". It still is malicious.

Not only is it malicious, but the term "they feared losing a child" is a slap to an adoptees cheek. Like we're going to forget the parents we love, the parents who raised us??? Give me a break.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by bflymc

While talking to my bmom tonight she revealed to me that she (and my bgrandmother) personally knew my amom and adad. My amom and bmom/bgrandmother went to the same church, went out together, and were good friends for a while. My agrandmother/father even brought my amom home from the hospital after she had me!!
I was extremely shocked to hear this. I didn't really believe it at first. That would mean my bmom blatantly lied to me about knowing my bmom's name!! My amom and afather knew my bmom's name but still allowed me to go through this stress of finding them...why was she trying to hide this?
Also, incase you're wondering...I asked bmom why she didn't look for me and she said the last time she spoke to my amom she basically asked to break all communication(later my amom denied ever talkign to bmom after i was born :/)

So after this conversation I called my to ask my amom about this news and she went crazy!! She wouldn't answer one question and kept saying how my bmom was trying to turn me against her. She would say things like "look what she did, trying to upset you. you should be mad at her not me." Then she would say how this info. is not important anyway, but it's very important to me!! She knew everything and lied!!
So after that conversation(i ended up hanging up the phone) I called me dad and he was 100% calm and truthful. He told me they did know eachother, very well actually. Basically confirmed my bmom's story.

I've read stories on this messageboard of ap's lying to their children and always felt so bad for them. Now I empathize with them. I'm just very confused and upset right now. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is...maybe not?
Also, everything was going so well and now I feel like i should cut communication with my bmom (even though I want a relationship with her) butI don't want my amom to feel as though I'm taking sides. Then everything would be a huge mess.
Sorry, but I'm just upset right now and the way my amom reacted made everything worse. Does anyone have any advice about any part of this situation? I'm just really confused.

You have every right to feel confused, hurt and angry. Your story makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot believe people think it's ok to just continue the "story"...even when they know we NEED to know.

Thank God your a Dad had the balls to come clean. your a mom needs to chill. This is no longer about HER. Seems she is using her insecurities as an a parent to guilt you into not having a relationship with your b mom.

Yes, your b mom has to face up to her responsibility for lying, too, but most b moms have been living the lie since our surrenders. It becomes second nature to them, and I "almost" give them a pass....up until a point. When reality comes a knockin' (US), its time to be truthful.

It breaks my heart to think your a mom is playing tis head game with you. For you to cut communications off with your b mom is EXACTLY what she wants you to do. Why else would she say those things to you??( things like "look what she did, trying to upset you. you should be mad at her not me." Then she would say how this info. is not important anyway") Like he!! it's not important.

I say let things calm down, then tell them all how disappointed you are, and that you will not tolerate any more lies, and that they are all important to you, and that you will also not tolerate your feelings being discounted.

take a deep breath....

Linda

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by LMNGambino

Sorry, but that honks me off. WHY, WHY, WHY, are WE, the ADOPTEES, always the ones who have to let things slide & smooth things over for everyone else's secrets and lies??? Yes. SECRETS. And. LIES. I dont care if there was "no mailicious intent". It still is malicious.

Not only is it malicious, but the term "they feared losing a child" is a slap to an adoptees cheek. Like we're going to forget the parents we love, the parents who raised us??? Give me a break.

Linda, I obviously wasn't able to adequately convey in words what was going thru my mind. I apologize for that. But, kiddo, adoptees aren't the only ones in the triad who have to let things slide and smooth over bad feelings from time to time. As a birthmom, I've done my fair share of this during the past 36 years. I cannot even begin to count how many times I've "let things slide" on the parts of my son and his parents. Sure, I could have called his aparents out on every lie they've ever told me or him, but I guarantee you that if I had done that, my son and I would not have the solid relationship we have today with each other.

By saying to let things slide for a while and cut some slack for the OP's amom, I was trying to essentially say what you did, namely to let things calm down first. I am just afraid that if the amom is directly confronted with her lies at this point, all hell could break loose. Nothing constructive can come out of rage and volatility towards each other at this point in time, IMHO.

My advice on letting things slide was with the distant future of this reunion in mind. I'm the first to admit I may be totally off-base on this one. Sorry if that's the case. It was just my own opinion as a person who's treaded carefully at times during my past (almost) 19 years in reunion.

One last thing, Linda. I'm not the enemy here. Believe it or not, I usually support the adoptees on this forum 100 percent. I did not intend my advice to be a "slap in the face" to adoptees, as you put it. I was only trying to point out what possible feelings and emotions the OP's adoptive mother might be feeling right now. I wasn't trying to justify either the amom's lies or the bmom's lies in any way. And I'm terribly sorry if that is how you interpreted my post. I'll go crawl back under my rock now.

[Brdmc3]

First off I am also an adoptee and quite in the same position as bflymc (close to my screenname lol kind of strange) or rather was in that position. I went through my whole life actually knowing my birth mom, not remembering but knowing that I had met her plenty of times even though I was to young to know. I dreamed of this girl and guy who were in love and had me. My dream or fantasy was not true at all (my dream went way farther than that). So when I was 18 I got my letters from my birth parents. I read them and was told lies about their relationship in there. I do understand why they lied, what if I had read those letters at 13 and not understood that I was a one night stand so to speak and not understanding life and being mature what would I do. My Aparents never told me that even though they knew, I learned that through reunion. So anyways when I got my letter I went to my room and read them of course. A day later my parents call me in and tell me that my bmom is actually related to me. I cried and asked them so many questions like how is she related and did I ever meet her, so on. I still am upset to this day that they never told me that at a younger age.

So to be surprised bflymc and to be upset is totally understandable. I was. I dont know how old you are either. I am not taking sides on this story but your amom definatly knew the truth was going to come out. She should have told you that she knew who she was while you were attempting reunion if you told her. But to add on to her reason. I never thought my reunion would strain afamily, I mean I am allowed to be interested, right? Well after communication with bmom me and my amom had so many fights (we never fought before). She told me to leave her life and that was it for me. Luckily I had 2 weeks til I went back to college. I told her how much she hurt me and that I just could not talk to her anymore, I also told her I knew why but that I was not replacing her I was just interested. She got mad and I ended up moving out the next day and going early to college. To me it was untalkable anymore I tried, you know? Well I talked to my adad all while I was gone and after about 1 month I recieved a call from my amom. She apologized, even cried. I accepted it but told her I could never forget. We spoke off and on for a month, her usually calling because I was still angry, and then they came to visit. I was dreading this, did not want to argue. She came in and we just acted normal. When she got the chance away from my adad she apologized and cried and told me now she understands why I am curious. I just told her that you know your my mom and that nothing will ever change that. So now we are good and can speak.

This is a short summary believe it or not. I give you my story because I think it relates. I was lied to and the lies became to my knowledge as I began reunion. I just say to you get to know your birthparents, its your right. If you are like me you felt empty and needed to know things. Aparents especially moms never understand. They try to be supportive until reunion begins and you confront them with lies. Hell my reunion with my bmom is not good at all but I am so thankful I did it. I have no idea where it will go but I am glad to know the truths. My amom lies and my bmom lies. Both caught in plenty of them. Am I mad, yes, but do I try to understand, yes I do. Are they right to lie to me, no. I have told both of them that and neither to my knowledge have lied since I have confronted both. (the last part, until I contacted my bdad I never knew I was a fling. I am so thankful he has not lied to me. I tell him that every time we speak. He knows I respect him for it no matter how bad of a truth it is. All lies come out at some point.)

Linda- No rude comment to you. I dont agree with exactly what you said but we are all entitled to our opinions. I agree she should confront, but saying to be angry is not something I support. Try to understand and when the time comes that you can deal with it confront. Both moms love there children, they lie for protection, it is not smart to do but they do it thinking it is the right thing. I have been so angry at both of my moms but I also love them both so I learned to be understanding and asked them to explain.

Raven- your comment was in no way rude. Respectively the best advice is the advice that ruins neither relationship. Most adoptees want both without hindering either one. A lie is in no way right but every person should get a chance to explain. A amom is always scared of losing there child and it does not make since to me at all but I have learned thats how they feel. A bmom will always feel guilty. So they lie also trying to protect there child as they have done from the begining.

I hope this helps bflymc. In no way do I take sides. Rather give my experience and say to be understanding and go for what you want. If you want contact dont let your amom insecurities block that. She will overcome them and all you can do is reinforce that you love her.

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Linda, I obviously wasn't able to adequately convey in words what was going thru my mind. I apologize for that. But, kiddo, adoptees aren't the only ones in the triad who have to let things slide and smooth over bad feelings from time to time. As a birthmom, I've done my fair share of this during the past 36 years. I cannot even begin to count how many times I've "let things slide" on the parts of my son and his parents. Sure, I could have called his aparents out on every lie they've ever told me or him, but I guarantee you that if I had done that, my son and I would not have the solid relationship we have today with each other.

By saying to let things slide for a while and cut some slack for the OP's amom, I was trying to essentially say what you did, namely to let things calm down first. I am just afraid that if the amom is directly confronted with her lies at this point, all hell could break loose. Nothing constructive can come out of rage and volatility towards each other at this point in time, IMHO.

My advice on letting things slide was with the distant future of this reunion in mind. I'm the first to admit I may be totally off-base on this one. Sorry if that's the case. It was just my own opinion as a person who's treaded carefully at times during my past (almost) 19 years in reunion.

One last thing, Linda. I'm not the enemy here. Believe it or not, I usually support the adoptees on this forum 100 percent. I did not intend my advice to be a "slap in the face" to adoptees, as you put it. I was only trying to point out what possible feelings and emotions the OP's adoptive mother might be feeling right now. I wasn't trying to justify either the amom's lies or the bmom's lies in any way. And I'm terribly sorry if that is how you interpreted my post. I'll go crawl back under my rock now.

I didn't say you were the enemy. Nor am I a "kiddo".
I just think that telling her to "let it slide" is degrading. This is not a minor thing. This is a HUGE issue.

Again, I realize there are lies told, (to everyone in the triad) as a means of "protection", but when we are adults, it's time to knock it off. Most of us have been lied to our entire lives, and it's mind boggling that it continues into our adulthood.

Im sorry if I came across too strong. I just feel too strongly about this. I know everyone in the triad has their own baggage & skeletons to deal with, but in the end, adoptees are in the unique and not so prized position of trying to please everyone, and it's just not fair. You dont have to crawl under a rock.

[JustPeachy]

It sounds to me like more was going on under the surface between your aparents and bmom. They were friends and in contact, and then the relationship went south. So they must have had a falling out and maybe it was really ugly. So in a way, I can see why it wasn't mentioned as you were growing up that they knew your bmom (although this was probably not the best way to handle things), however, as you were searching, it should have been brought out. By that time, the secret was so entrenched, that they were probably afraid to spill the beans. Now they are making your bmom the scapegoat for telling. But did they think she would not mention it?? I mean, they DID know you were searching, no?

I can totally see why you are upset, but now that this cat is out of the bag, it's out, which is a good thing. Sooner or later, the dust will settle. If you really want to get to know your bmom, I wouldn't cut her off over this. Your aparents are obvioulsy very threatened right now, and that is not something that they can just snap out of, but will take some time. Your dad seems more able to deal with this. Can you speak with him, discuss how this has made you feel, and see if he can intervene with your amom? You are a grown woman and have every right to have relationships with whomever you want. But I agree that your amom is probably very afraid that she will lose you and will need some reassurance that this is not the case. It's irrational, but in reunion a lot of emotions come up that are very scary, for all sides of the triad. I do think it is important for everyone involved to try to process their own feelings as best they can, but also be mindful of what the other side is going through. It is really difficult for everyone.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by LMNGambino

I didn't say you were the enemy. Nor am I a "kiddo". I just think that telling her to "let it slide" is degrading. This is not a minor thing. This is a HUGE issue.

Sigh... I'm sorry I called you kiddo. I promise never to call you any word of endearment ever again. I often use "kiddo" as a term of endearment with younger folks here on the forums, no matter if they are adoptees, birthparents or adoptive parents. However, I should have waited to use any type of familiarity with you until we had built some type of rapport. I apologize if it offended you.

Sure, I guess it's fine to just advise the OP to go right ahead and confront her mother now about the lies that were told. And then wait for all hell to break loose. If that will make the OP feel better, then sure, go for it. Reunions are hard in the very beginning on everybody in the triad. Relationships are being forged and emotions examined. By advising the OP to let it slide for now, I was hoping that she wouldn't get caught up in a potentially volatile situation with her amom, and then months down the line feel guilty about any resulting rifts in her family. I'm sorry you see my advice as degrading...I certainly didn't intend any degradation.

Im sorry if I came across too strong. I just feel too strongly about this. I know everyone in the triad has their own baggage & skeletons to deal with, but in the end, adoptees are in the unique and not so prized position of trying to please everyone, and it's just not fair. You dont have to crawl under a rock.

I have read this sentiment echoed many times, and I have to disagree with you. Adoptees are not the only ones who feel like they must please everyone in the triad. Birthmothers often have the same feelings. I know I did... When I reunited with my then-18-year-old son, I constantly walked on eggshells with his parents. I was petrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing or not showing enough respect for them. I had to repeatedly reinforce to them verbally that they were indeed his parents...I had to constantly prove to them that I was not a threat to their family structure. Likewise, I walked a tightrope with my son for quite a while. If I didn't please him or if I said something he didn't like, I was only all too aware that he could just walk away and never look back.

I'm sorry that I gave bad advice. I'll bow out of the discussion now. Bflymc, I wish you all the best. Good luck on your reunion journey.

[bflymc]

Thanks everyone so much for their comments.
After I hung up on my amom she called me back 1hr later...but it was basically a wasted phonecall. She kept saying she didn't remember blah blah blah and how I should accept that. She also said the law prohibited her from telling me my bmom's name/relationship but that's a bunch of crap. I know I couldn't look for my bmom unitl I turned 18 but I had every right to know they had a relationship. After that conversation I emailed my bmom and gave her my amom's phone # (because they both said they'll be willing to talk to one another), but I'm scared if they talk I'll be caught in the middle and won't be able to talk to either. ON the phone last night my bmom expressed extreme guilt and heaviness for burdening secrets for so long and that's basically why she told me. It was definitely apparent through her voice how much giving me up and the lost friendship(or whatever it was) hurt her. I let her know I was upset but not angry at her. I'll have to wait to see how she responds.

BrdMc3 thanks for the story. I'm also in College and I've only been in reunion around 3 weeks. I'm glad your relationship with your amom is patched. I wish they could have realized that secrets hurt and it's not all about them...
I don't think anyone gave bad advice. My mom obviously needs to sit in a corner and chill for a while...Maybe instead of discussing it on the phone when I'm with her in person we could talk about it so we won't just "let it slide."
Justpeachy, My dad said I can ask him any question but he didn't want my mom to know I was talking to him and I don't want her to know either(they are still married). So more secrets *sigh*


EDIT: i already received an email back from bmom. It was a fowarded(i can't spell that word) message from my AAunt(!!) requesting of my bmom not to tell me about my bmom's previous relationship to my amom!! The whole freakin family is involved in this mess! It's like a mafia, lies, secret, murder(i wouldn't be surprised). How can they smile at me and know they've been lying to me this whole time? It really isn't a big deal but keeping it a secret has blown it sky-high.

[SWGAgirl]

I wish they could have realized that secrets hurt and it's not all about them...

You're right.

Oh what a tangled web they weave...........................and that's where we adoptees can just wreak havoc.........when we try to unravel the web of secrets and lies that both other sides of the triad can weave.

We just want the truth- because it IS ours whether anyone wants to acknowledge that or not............ and the longer you wait for the truth- the harder it becomes, IMHO...........

bflymc- I hope you get the truth soon.

Take care.

[crick]

Sounds like one of those "every parents good intentions but fell short" situations. I am really sorry you have been lied to and I'd be really upset too. Especially with both sides being involved in the lies. Whew!

Hopefully you won't get caught up in your own tangled web though with talking to your dad in secrecy. That won't solve anything either, so hopefully you ALL can get together, get on the same page and from now on, it's all out there.

[dpen6]

It was totally wrong of your parents to lie to you and it continues to be wrong of your mom to continue to deny what is the truth.

This whole thing is so hard isn't it? I think one of the hardest things for any adult to do is admit when we have done wrong to our children.

Linda,

I think Raven was trying to be considerate of all sides here and sometimes we do have to cut our parents some slack...why? Not to concede anything but to be able to process the whole situation to come to some degree of understanding for ourselves. I think in the process of "cutting some slack" the anger piece can be defused and the OP can continue on with waht she needs to do. If in fact her mom continues to deny then the relationship between mother and daughter will be flawed at best. The op will have every right to keep things concerning HER reunion from her mom if for no other reason to protect her mom and to make it easier for the adoptee to get whatever it is she needs to learn about herself.

Thats the whole thing about being an adoptee, thats what makes us seperate and unique in the whole adoption thing. We are learning about the very basics of ourselves and are at the mmercy of so many that are invested in our birth. As much as the adoption experiance may have hurt/helped others it doesn't change the basic fabric of who they could have been or did become.

Raven, Its very sad that any mother thinks they will lose their child just based upon the child learning about themseoves. Its to bad that their were not more people as open minded and understanding as you .

[Janeytwo]

LMNGambino,

Hey there! I've been venturing out a bit into the adoptee forums and came across this thread.

the term "they feared losing a child" is a slap to an adoptees cheek. Like we're going to forget the parents we love, the parents who raised us??? Give me a break

I have seen this a couple of times in stuff I've read and am wondering where this belief comes from. No judgement there. It's like, birthmothers are told to forget. Have adoptees been told certain things along those lines about how birthmothers perceive adoptive parents?

Only asking because there's so much crap to sort through in all of this and if this is something that has been conveyed by "the system" (for lack of a better word)....that is a disturbing thought indeed.

I can tell you I've yet to meet a birthmother who believes her children would forget their parents. If I meet one of those, I promise you I'll have something to say to that person!

adoptees are in the unique and not so prized position of trying to please everyone, and it's just not fair.

Linda, I don't expect my children to please me. They're on this earth to live for themselves; to be happy. They didn't ask to come to this planet and they don't owe me squat. I know there are parents out there (not just birthmothers/fathers but parents in general) who think their kids are supposed to live for them.

We call those types "misguided". I.e., friggin selfish sociopaths with no clue to where they end and other people begin.

Sigh....trust me. That type takes a toll.

Much good things your way today,



Please,

[EZ2Luv]

Boy could I ever relate to this. I grew up knowing I was adopted and had no problem with it. In fact my afamily is/was actually great and the envy of all my friends.

I seriously never had a desire to search until I was basically forced to because of a life threatening medical issue. It was either search or go through all kinds of long and painful surgeries. Doctors needed answers and time was not in my favor. Anyhow I searched and found that not only was bmom someone my family knew but was my mothers younger sister. Everyone in the family I went to denied knowing, while many freiends and neighbors were well aware of it.
I don't know what you would call how I was feeling when I first found out, but I can assure you it felt like the Twighlight Zone. I wanted to be mad, I really did, but at who? I couldn't be mad at aparents cause I never asked them who bmom was. I loved bmom as an aunt all my life and though she was always selfish and had some strange ways about her I can say I was fairly close to her. Why did she never tell me? SO here I was in shock, wanting to be angry but unable to pin point who I should be angry at. I just had to suck it up and wait because eventually I believe the truth will always surface. Thank God that one cousin was able to confirm this as truth and was able to get the medical information I desperately needed. Apparently her father (amom and bmom's brother) had told her the truth a few years before he died. She was my saving grace.

At the time bmom was already deseased, amom was in a fully demented state of Alzhimers,adad was devastated about amom and in no condition to be confronted with questions(he was 80yrs old at the time) and the only surviving aunt that had the answers tried to convince me that I was crazy and imagining all this. I was truly lost and in limbo and though I had documents and was met with great resistance by all my biosiblings.
My best advice to you is what Raven has suggested. As difficult as it is try to give this some time to simmer down. It is hard to get the truth when everyone is either angry and demanding answers or looking to to defend their past actions.
I am in no way saying to let it go or sweep it under the rug and forget it. But right now it looks like people are not giving you the truth but looking to cover their butts.

For me it would be very easy to blame my aparents or bmom when the truth is they were ALL guilty of conspiring this lie. Bmom chose to not ever tell me and aparents would never have told me either.
Sometimes lies are so deep that the liars actually begin to believe they are true.
A very dear neighbor of mine who is in her 80s and sharp as a tack(also amom's best friend) filled me in on alot. She was around when all this first took place and insisted that it was bmom who made my aparents swear they would never tell me. Bmom disn't even want aparents to tell me I was adopted, but adad would not agree to it. I still can not point the finger and blame bmom because once aparents agreed to her desire they because equally involved in the lie. Bmm even made up a ficticious name on my baptism cerificate.

Right now,I am at the point where it really doesn't matter who lied and who did't, who's idea it was to lie or even why they lied. The point is, I was lied to, it sucked, I now know the truth and that is all that matters.
My only disappointment is thabecause of these lies relationships that I had with cousins has been destroyed and that I would love to know who bfather is because I have children and would like them to have that information.

It is what it is and at the end of the day I know it is no ones fault, it is just the way it happened because this is how it was back then. Bmoms were told to forget everything and move on and that there was no chance of the adoptees ever knowing. Aparents were een told to lie to the adoptees. It is kind of hard to want to tell the truth when everyone(even the church)otherwise.

One last bit of advice, right now everyone is in shock, the unthinkable has happened, the truth surfaced. Everyone is looking to blame each other and in doing this when ther they realize it or not, you are the one being pulled in different directions. Take a deep breath and realize this is to be expected. None of this is your fault, these are their issues, they chose to lie. Does it really matter who lied or who continued to lie? These were the adults, boths sides owed you the truth and each side blaming each other is not going to change the fact that you were lied to. Hopefully in time when things cool down and everyone is not so defensive and blaming each other, your aparents will be able to be honest enough to tell you why they lied and the same goes with bmom. Trying to win you over is not getting to the truth.

EZ