[Brdmc3]

Here are some questions to birthparents... not necassiarly my situation but I always wondered these things since I have been in my reuinion.

How do some of you forget your childs birthday?
In your opinion, why do many of you get upset when contacted by a birth child?
Even better yet why emotional, it was your choice?
Do you want us to be 100% honest in reuinon? such as ask hard questions that I know if kept avoided may be better off
Do you expect us to feel an instant love and parent/child connection?


I think the most important question is if it hurt so much why give your child up. I can honestly say bad life or perfect life I would feel much more secure being kept then being given away. Not trying to be rude, I love my adoptive family but I would feel more comfortable if I fit into to the family. Convience to you or truthfully feeling as it is the best possible decision. So why??????

I in no way intend these to be harmful. Please dont answer if you are hurt by these questions. They are meant to understand how to react to my birthparents. I am interested in them dearly but at the same time I dont know how to behave with them and also what I want from them in my life. I trully just want to understand some birthparents feelings on this issue so that I can adjust the best way possible to my birthparents.

[JustPeachy]

How do some of you forget your childs birthday?

I have never forgotten my child's birthday, and most birthmothers I know have not. I think, though, there are some birthmoms who were so traumatized by the event, that they shut it out altogether. If they were from the closed era, in particular, and it was not their choice to relinquish, and were heavily drugged during labor, and told to just forget it ever happened, some women just blocked it out emotionally. I don't think this is a conscious thing, though. It's more of a deep psychological shut down.


In your opinion, why do many of you get upset when contacted by a birth child?

Again, for many women, they were told they had no right to their child EVER. They were told to move on and forget. And they stuffed their pain. They couldn't tell anyone about what happened, in many cases, even their spouses and subsequent children do not know. There is a great fear of judgement and a great shame that was put on these women (and this still continues to the present day, perhaps not as badly as the past, but still there). Even if contact is desired, it can bring up a whole host of extremely difficult emotions. It is hard to explain, but it can throw you back in time to that vulnerable young woman and rip open old wounds that you thought were healed. Even, as is my case, when it was your decision and when you've had adequate counseling and overall have dealt with things well, you can be blindsided by emotions you would never have anticipated. These emotions must be dealt with in order to have a healthy reunion. And it takes time.

Even better yet why emotional, it was your choice?

The assumption that if something is your choice means it won't be painful is one of the biggest misconceptions out there, as far as I'm concerned. You also have to look at choice in terms of what the available options were. I did not have a healthy or strong family support system, so my choice to relinquish was based on having limited options. I made the best choice under the circumstances, but truth be told, the circumstances weren't so great. So is that really "choice?"

Do you want us to be 100% honest in reuinon? such as ask hard questions that I know if kept avoided may be better off

If you feel a question is better off not to ask (i.e. you aren't ready or prepared to hear the answer), then I would reconsider asking or wait until you felt more prepared. As far as being 100% honest, that is probably the best policy, but I would say that it might be best to get a reunion off on a good footing for all involved to try to be sensitive to each other. I wouldn't be deliberately hurtful just for the sake of honesty, I guess, but would rather try to be more diplomatic in my approach.

Do you expect us to feel an instant love and parent/child connection?

Absolutely not! I think this is way too heavy an expectation to place on an adult adoptee.

I think the most important question is if it hurt so much why give your child up. I can honestly say bad life or perfect life I would feel much more secure being kept then being given away. Not trying to be rude, I love my adoptive family but I would feel more comfortable if I fit into to the family. Convience to you or truthfully feeling as it is the best possible decision. So why??????

I decided on adoption for my child because I wanted him to have a life that I could not provide for him at the time. It didn't matter so much how much it hurt me, because what was most important to me was his well-being. It was not about convenience (there is nothing convenient about dealing with relinquishing a child and living with the aftermath), but feeling very strongly that after considering my options, that it was truly the best possible decision at the time. I still feel that way.

I can honestly say bad life or perfect life I would feel much more secure being kept then being given away.

This may be true, however, it is important to keep in mind that there would possibly have been other issues to deal with had you not been relinquished. I'm not sure of the reasons why your birthmom chose adoption (maybe she didn't make the choice, but was forced to). In my son's case, he'd have many issues to deal with if I kept him, so perhaps he'd feel more secure in some ways, but he'd be clearly disadvantaged in others. There are always trade-offs in life, no matter what your life situation, and often we feel the grass is greener on the other side, but that is not always the case.

[cksmom]

thank you peachy! your answers are really helpful! I hope more birthmoms will chime in.

[rch4hvn]

first off...Hi CKS mom,

I am a Bmom. I gave my boys up for adoption over 18 years ago. The one question you asked that really intrests me is...

(I think the most important question is if it hurt so much why give your child up.)

Well, I will try and make this as short as I can , ok. Over 18 years ago I was 23. Unstable, an emotional rollercoaster, and allready raising a 2 year old in a motel.
What a life!! It made me sick. I was working as a hostess/cashier at one of the casinos here, and I met V..
I thought he was the love of my life and I fell deeply in love/lust with him. I found out ,after I was already in love with him that he was an alcoholic, a womanizer and a drug addict, but because I loved him so, I thought,( I COULD CHANGE HIM) huh.

Well, about 6 months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant, with a boy ( seems men always want a boy...to carry their name, to play ball with etc.) I was so excited, I thought now, he will have to change for his son, huh. he changed for awhile. He even bought the baby a cradle and sewed a cusion for it, which took like a week. He really seemed like he wanted to make a good life for us. Well, 3 months before I was due, he shows up at the house with L (female), said she was a good friend and she had no where to go again( she lived with us at the motel too, disaster). Well, she started living with us, by no choice of mine. Due date passed, 2 weeks later water breaks , 11pm at night. We rush to the hospital and get admitted, hes there until the nurse says its going to be awhile, so he leaves and tells me hell be back in an hour or so....My mom was there too.

Well, he never came back till next day...I wasnt dialating so they had to do an emergency c-section. He was beautiful. Dad finally showed up after everything was over and I asked him, where were you, he said," working, I found a job and they wanted me to start right away. So, needless to say, I forgave him for not being there. Well, 3 months went by everything was up and down with him and I. He was cheating on me, he went days without coming home and when he didi come home he would bring these street people with him....it was a mess. We never had any money for food, rent, lights etc...I dont know how we survived but, we did. Well, long story, from then, I still loved him and he was the father of my son and he also had bonded with my daughter, so I couldnt break this family up no matter what, so I stuck it out. Then the mental abuse started and then physical abuse and so on. I later found out I was pregnant again, OMG, what else, huh...well, I finally had to make a choice for the sake of my children. ADOPTION, a lady of a friend of my moms...she told me everything I wanted to hear, she said" honey, think of it this way, you will be giving them a chance at a better life, more than you could ever give them yourself, and all the opportunities available out there. She said I could come and see them once they were old enough to know what adoption was and she would just tell them that they are special, that instead of having just one mom like everyone else they have 2 that love them with all their heart ,". Also she said that she would send me pictures every year. None of that ever happened except for a few pics in their early years. Well, I could go on and on, but if you are interested in the rest of my story, I have a Thread called mother of 3 boys, its about 2 pages long, but it will fill you in on the before and after and in between that I missed. This decision that I had to make was a life changing one...Ever since I put them up for adoption my life has not been the same. Since then I have had severe deppression, anxiety, high blood pressure, diverticulitis, I cannot sleep (have sleep apnea and I only sleep like 3-4 hours at a time). I think about my boys everytime God gives me a minute to live and I wish, now that the oldest is going on 19, I wish he would give me the time to explain to him WHY, but for now he is busy with his own life and his girl friend.

Well, I never forget his Birthday either. I sent him a few birthday cards but the Amom just returned them, so , sad to say, but I stopped sending them and I also distanted myself from them, because I didnt want to hurt anyone.

Also, I would be a hundred percent honest with your Bmom. If there is something you feel that its not the right time or its better left unsaid, I might wait a little till you both get to know each other better.

Well, I will sign off now
BEST OF LUCK NOW AND IN THE FUTURE

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

How do some of you forget your childs birthday?
In your opinion, why do many of you get upset when contacted by a birth child?
Even better yet why emotional, it was your choice?
Do you want us to be 100% honest in reuinon? such as ask hard questions that I know if kept avoided may be better off
Do you expect us to feel an instant love and parent/child connection?


I think the most important question is if it hurt so much why give your child up. I can honestly say bad life or perfect life I would feel much more secure being kept then being given away. Not trying to be rude, I love my adoptive family but I would feel more comfortable if I fit into to the family. Convience to you or truthfully feeling as it is the best possible decision. So why??????

Hi.
Im an adoptee, but I have asked these questions before, both in my head, and a few to my b mom.

I have read that some bmom's block their relinquished child's bday, as the memory is too painful. My bmom's father (my b grandfather) dies on my 17th birthday, so that day became even harder for her.

My bmom told me she was both thrilled and terrified when I contacted her 22 years ago. I was 21 years old.

It was very difficult for her to accept me as an "adult", as I was frozen in time to her, as "the baby behind the glass, the baby she wasn't allowed to hold."
To see/hear/acknowledge me as an adult made everything real again, after 22 years of playing games with her head. The games the adoption agency & society in the 1960's told her to play...ie, "you will forget this baby", "you are not capable of raising this child" and "you are not worthy of this baby."
Some b moms were not subjected to this, but most were. It may have been her choice, but the choice was not easy, and it was still a loss. To top it off, the loss was not a loss that was publicly grieved, so b moms had to grieve their loss in private.
Every adoption and relinquishment story is unique. I had thoughts of, "Oh, how convenient.." when I was younger, but now that I know her story, and have a family of my own, I dont think convenience enters into the equation. Abortion is way more convenient.
It is hard for anyone to "love" someone instantly. I mean, we are strangers who share DNA when we enter reunion. I wouldn't expect my b family to love me instantly, and I hope they don't expect that from me.

That's a very confusing aspect of reunion, isn't it? I am newly reunited with my siblings. I have to remind myself that there are days when I cannot stand my a sister! A normal love/hate relationship that all siblings go through, even my own daughters do it!

We're taking it slow, and we are getting to know each other, and we are enjoying the process. I told my friend yesterday, that it some ways, it's cooler than when you are raised with your siblings...you "HAVE" to be nice to them when you live in the same house!

[EZ2Luv]

As an adoptee, I too am curious to know some of these answers myself. I get that some bmoms block things out but at some point I would think it would be impossible to completely forget. I don't know. My own bmom did a very good job of keeping the denial and lies going.
As sad and harsh as it sounds I honestly believe in my case it just part of my bmoms personality to be able tolie and believe her own lies.

EZ

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

As an adoptee, I too am curious to know some of these answers myself. I get that some bmoms block things out but at some point I would think it would be impossible to completely forget. I don't know. My own bmom did a very good job of keeping the denial and lies going.
As sad and harsh as it sounds I honestly believe in my case it just part of my bmoms personality to be able tolie and believe her own lies.

EZ

It doesnt sound harsh. There are some people who lie, and it comes easy to them. But just out of curiosity, do you think that for some people it's easier to lie because the truth is too hard to handle? I see that trait in a few people I know. They cant ride the truth train, because it's just too painful.

[Brdmc3]

Thanks for the replies

Peachy- Thanks for answering all the questions. Instead of asking these to my birthparents because of fear of ruining the reunion I ask birthparents on here to try to understand. You brought up something that I have struggled with with both birthparents. How come you dont tell your children? Dont they deserve to know, I mean I dont think the children would be upset with their parent, I think rather that might be interested in their sibling.

rch- Your story was very interesting. First off I must say I am impressed with your decision and sounds like you have gotten your life perhaps on the right track now. Something me and my birthmom struggle with is that she hates my birthdad because he used to be a "womanizer, jerk, no life" and all that. I tell her he was young but now he is a successful loving father of children and married. He got his life together but she still gets upset that I speak with him. Would you be upset with your boys if they spoke to their father. I understand its not the exact same situation but just curious.

All other adoptees who replied- thanks for the replies, I was starting to feel guilty for asking these questions. At least I know others want to know the same things.

[cksmom]

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

Thanks for the replies

Peachy- Thanks for answering all the questions. Instead of asking these to my birthparents because of fear of ruining the reunion I ask birthparents on here to try to understand. You brought up something that I have struggled with with both birthparents. How come you dont tell your children? Dont they deserve to know, I mean I dont think the children would be upset with their parent, I think rather that might be interested in their sibling.

I think they are afraid that their raised children will judge them or be angry or that they might also lose them. For the same reasons they don't tell husbands or friends. They may be the same guilt and shame for not raising us.

My situation is a little different. My 1/2 siblings have known about me for years but yet bmom has not told her husband of 36 years. he is not my b-dad but he is my siblings dad. So telling him now would also admit that she has lied to him all these years and maybe his kids have too. She is terrified of that and I'm sure that is the reason why she has chosen to not communicate with me right now.

[lvnlfe]

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

How do some of you forget your childs birthday?

I never forgot my childs birthday, new the time, how much she weighed and length! After our reunion, was surprised she didn't know this of herself through her aparents.

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

In your opinion, why do many of you get upset when contacted by a birth child?

I wrote a letter to the aparents and to my daughter from the beginning, wanting/hoping contact with her when she was ready for me. It may depend on the bmoms situation, it could be your bmom was judged since the relinquishment, possiblly felt shame, or guilt, it is very hard for bmoms to live life after the fact, so to speak. It haunts you forever...

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

Even better yet why emotional, it was your choice?

Hon, is alot of cases a choice was never given to us bmoms, alot of us were forced, especially if we were young. So it depends on a situation. 100's of reasons why.

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

Do you want us to be 100% honest in reuinon?

Yes I did, and lucky now to have one.

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

Such as ask hard questions that I know if kept avoided may be better off
Do you expect us to feel an instant love and parent/child connection?

That is a good question, I believe when we first met in person, for me since I have always had the love inside, it was easy. Though I understand the love may or may not ever come back to me. I am one of the lucky ones. Though it did take some time.

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

I think the most important question is if it hurt so much why give your child up. I can honestly say bad life or perfect life I would feel much more secure being kept then being given away. Not trying to be rude, I love my adoptive family but I would feel more comfortable if I fit into to the family. Convience to you or truthfully feeling as it is the best possible decision. So why??????

My case I was forced to give my daughter up, by my parents...lost the fight was very young at the time to, I didn't have the strength I have today, if I could go back in time, would in a heart beat, and tell all the grown ups to back off and leave me alone, but I didn't. Was young and weak back then.

Hon, I understand what you are saying as my daughter says quite a bit of what you say, has had struggles w/being adopted, knowing she didn't fit in. Knew she was loved, but apparently it wasn't enough in her case.

What I have learned from reading quite a few books, is that now, you don't have to struggle, you cannot be abandoned again (if this is one of the many feelings you have), try to hug your inner child and talk to her, tell her it will be ok. Even if you go the struggles, first what I have learned it is ok to have all the feelings you are having, do not deny yourself those feelings, let it out and just learn how to get through it.

Reunions are not easy, but as my daughters bmom, it is my responsbility to make sure she is comfortable on her terms, even if we go through tough patches. I will never leave her again.

Many hugs to you, I wish you much love and brightness in your future.

XOXO

[cksmom]

Originally Posted by lvnlfe

Reunions are not easy, but as my daughters bmom, it is my responsbility to make sure she is comfortable on her terms, even if we go through tough patches. I will never leave her again.

wow, this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for knowing your responsibility to your daughter. I know that contact is painful for some b-moms but it seems to overshadow the fact that I found my b-mom because I needed to and want her in my life. She doesn't get that and I hope someday she will see reunion as you do. HUGS!

[JustPeachy]

How come you dont tell your children? Dont they deserve to know, I mean I dont think the children would be upset with their parent, I think rather that might be interested in their sibling.

The issue never came up for me since I never had other children, however if I had, I believe I would have told them.

Some birthmoms don't want to tell their kids because they wish to keep it private, maybe feel the kids would not understand, or figure they will tell them when they are older, and then the time never seems right. I have one friend who never told her kids, and I'm not sure the reason. Her husband and siblings know but no one else in the family does. I don't think she has desire for future contact and maybe is afraid if her kids knew, they'd pressure her to make contact or go and do it on their own and she'd rather be the one to make that decision (or not).

I also have a family member who is a birthmom and we all knew about it in the family, but her kids do not know, to my knowledge. It was a closed adoption and she always wished to keep it closed. It's not a subject she ever brings up, even though she knows I'm a birthmom, too.

Every birthmom is different, just as every adoptee is. Some desire to reconnect and others never have this desire. Some people want to reconnect theoretically, but then realize after the fact it is too difficult emotionally (hence, the strong chance of "pullback" from either party). I don't think it's a matter of good/bad or should/shouldn't, but more a personal preference and what each person can handle emotionally. It's great when a birthparent and adoptee's needs and desires align, but very difficult when they don't.

[lvnlfe]

CK...just hang in there....maybe she is really tough on herself.....and the memories she most likely buried and she could just feel pretty bad now....

She is very lucky that you are so receptive towards her, maybe one day she will realize that....

[susieloo]

Hi birthmom here. Reunion 12yrs.

i just wanted to add something to your thread. When i was pregnant with my daughter i could never imagine the ongoing grief I would suffer. How can you begin to imagine what your emotions maybe after you have given birth to a baby, when you have never had the experience before.
I was told it would be easy to move on. I believed it. Others did. ( So I thought at the time!)
As for thinking of my babies emotions in years to come...well it was drummed into me that a two parent family could provide this far better than I.
Oh how wise I am in hindsight! The biggest mistake of my life to sat goodbye to my baby girl.
We have a good relationship now. And I have a good relationship with her adoptive family. She is more like me than the two daughters I raised.
and I still grieve....
susie

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by Brdmc3

Here are some questions to birthparents... not necassiarly my situation but I always wondered these things since I have been in my reuinion.

How do some of you forget your childs birthday?
Not only have I NEVER forgotten his birthday, I have celebrated it on my own for 18 years!
In your opinion, why do many of you get upset when contacted by a birth child?
I can't imagine being upset at being "found", I do know though that some of the birth mom's from the closed era were told to forget and move on and some have programmed themselves to believe that is exactly what they should do and have done so.
Even better yet why emotional, it was your choice?
Have you ever had to make a choice that you didn't truly want to make yet you knew that it was for the best at the time? I didn't WANT to chose adoption, I also didn't WANT my son to grow up without the things I believed at the time were best for him.
Do you want us to be 100% honest in reuinon? such as ask hard questions that I know if kept avoided may be better off
I want nothing less than honesty and at the same time I will give nothing less than honesty. To make any relationship work you must be able to communicate honestly. Walking on egg shells gets us nowhere.
Do you expect us to feel an instant love and parent/child connection?
I am not his parent, I am his First Mom. I do not expect that he will ever feel that connection, at best, I hope for the best friendship you can have. On his terms, in his time. Infact, I have no expectations, he owes me nothing.


I think the most important question is if it hurt so much why give your child up. I can honestly say bad life or perfect life I would feel much more secure being kept then being given away. Not trying to be rude, I love my adoptive family but I would feel more comfortable if I fit into to the family. Convience to you or truthfully feeling as it is the best possible decision. So why??????
Nothing in the last 18 years has been convenient about placing my first born son into the arms of his parents. I have grieved the loss of him everyday since placement, but TRULY AT THE TIME, I thought I was giving him the best chance possible at a good life. Hindsight says different but ahh, to be able to see into the future....

I in no way intend these to be harmful. Please dont answer if you are hurt by these questions. They are meant to understand how to react to my birthparents. I am interested in them dearly but at the same time I dont know how to behave with them and also what I want from them in my life. I trully just want to understand some birthparents feelings on this issue so that I can adjust the best way possible to my birthparents.

I wish you the best of luck in your reunion, it isn't easy but with honesty and communication I am sure it will work out for the best!