[LMNGambino]

I have no words for how I feel right now.
Here is the reply I received from my 1/2 brother's wife.
************************************************

Linda,

I wish I did not know or have any of this information. This issue causes C. great stress and pain. I told her that you contacted me. She deserves to know that you are now reaching beyond her to satisfy your need to know your siblings. And I am not sure how it is I am to aid you in that endeavor. I am certain that anything you may want to know about @#$,@#$!,#@!$ or%^$# is not only none of your business, it is none of mine. I can't even tell you that their knowing of you would actually change anything in your life or theirs. I can tell you that C. has told me quite a bit about this situation, and your instincts are correct about her reaction. She knows that she has no control over how you will proceed, but her constant hope is that you will leave all of them out of this.
As a wife, a mother and as a woman, C. has not been handed the easiest of decks in life. She makes no apologies for that nor is she full of self-pity. She does what she can to help everyone, from providing a home for me and my family in our time of need, to supporting worthy charitable causes. She is a good woman who strives to make the best possible decisions she can, for herself and her family. I am asking you to respect her decision. I have promised her that I will never speak a word of this to anyone - again, because it is none of my business, and it is not my story to tell.
There is no pertinent medical information that you need to know about any of us that you don't already have. C,'s children are keenly aware of the risks of cancer, as a result of their father's untimely death. We are all finished having children. As far as the medical information that you need us to know, C already knows, and now, I know. Furthermore, I have 6 half-sisters, but genetically, I only have our mother in common. All you need to know is what happens to C - and this you already have access to. Other than the need for a kidney or bone marrow match - our medical information is private and will remain off limits.
I truly don't know what else to say. I am sorry for your struggle, but the threat you pose to this family is too great for me to truly have any empathy for you. I can only hope you take my words into consideration, and leave this alone.

Sincerely,
J@#$%^

[winter444]

Okay, here I go but this makes me so angry!!!
"the threat you pose" WHAT!!!!

Honestly do you know what I would do? contact all your siblings by yourself, go straight to every single one of them. do you know all their addresses??
I don't want to make this worse for you but this has got to hurt to the core.
Who the heck do these 2 think they are, it's amazing to me that your 1/2 brother's wife has chosen to go to the mom and not him and now you are supposed to just go away and be happy. who knows how your brother would feel, only HE can say and he could be very happy to hear from you. honestly I am boiling right now for you.
Your siblings should be the ones who get to decide.
I think only hearing directly from them canwe have peace.
I contacted the one 1/2 sister by email and she was thrilled. Long story short here, didn't have a good reunion with my bmom as my 1/2 brother was always commenting and getting in the way, when others think they can get in the way with their opinions it's ridiculous.
When you are up to it, and of course if you want to proceed, write to them all and make sure the letters get to them. You don't deserve any of this, you deserve peace and answers.

PS, "All you need to know is what happens to C" wow, this is so wrong.

[LMNGambino]

Thank you for your reply. My head is spinning right now. Im quickly moving from the "oh, poor me, rejected AGAIN" mode, to "Who in the F%$K do they think they are?" mode. I cannot believe the audacity she has. "The threat I pose to this family"? "Our medical information will remain off limits"?

My daughter thinks it's BS & said, "well, she's living with the bmom during their time of need, this is a nice trump card for her to hold over her mil's head." Which is HILARIOUS, because that was one of the scenarios which popped into my head. I know. We're dramatic.
I need to take a breather and stay away from the computer so I do not do anything stupid.
Ill check in later, I really need the support from people who know all about this messy thing called reunions...

BTW- I replied to her and only said, "Thank you for your reply, Jessica.

-Linda

[winter444]

I felt the exact same way, still do sometimes, going from feeling so rejected and crying to who the hell do they think they are. I could've gone and strangled my 1/2 brother.
I know this is so upsetting, think I mentioned on your other post I wrote to all my 1/2 siblings on bmom's side and it's been a relief since the day I mailed them.
Will check in later, hang in there, it doesn't have to be over.

[stinky_kitty]

Wow. I'll never understand how people can be so cruel. I'm so sorry. I would be absolutely livid.

[dpen6]

I think the problem is that you went to someone that really has no idea what you are talking about. She thinks she does, thinks she has the right answers and really has none. It is NOT her business at all.

What makes me really mad is the arrogant way she thinks she knows what is right for you....she doesn't. HER mdeical information HAS nothing to do with you and her husbands medical info is most definetly your business as you have the same blood...it is more your business then hers. I think folks we need a rebuttel, one that gets across the fact that you re just as important as Cand her sons. Tell her that you made a mistake contacting her and will not any longer. That its really to bad she does not possess the knoledge or the compassion to see it for what it is, but you understand why as she doesn't know any better. That your bioligy and self respect is very important and thats all you were really looking for Thats your children are just as important as any of the others. You are very much an adult and don't need to be chasitised Then i would write aletter to your mother and explain it all to her , i would also cut off anymore contact with any of them...YOU DON"T need them. You have self respect and dignity and your days of begging for the right to be acknowledged as the peerson you are because of this women are over.

Then I would seriously think about going on with your life these folks are bringing you down because of there own selfishness.

I really think the DIL does need to stay out of it, it does kinda put her in a funny place...a place that she should't be in.

If there is anyone else that can phrase that better as my writing skills are lousy please be my guest. My point is for the orginal poster to respond to the tola arrogance of this women in a delibrate, intelligant way to let her know that her response was not callled for. I want her mother to realize that this human life she gave birth too is worth more then 20 years of secrecy .

[bumblebeeskies]

Omg! I am so sorry this is happening to you! I have been checking in on your post all day, looking to see if you got a response. People like this, literally make me sick to my stomach. I am in the same boat as you. It's sickening how much power these people have over our emotions and lives.

[cksmom]

wow, you and I are having a similar week. I am so sorry and BIG HUGS!!!!!

SIL is seriously in MIL suck up mode. OMG. You are really such a bit threat. what frickin' ever.

hang in there!!

[bprice215]

As if you asked for all this, my God how shallow can this woman be. I'd contact my birth sibling and get it from them instead of a woman who has no idea. It make me very angry when people try and cover up their past as if it never happened when in all actuality it did because there you are and it isn't your fault, you certainly didn't ask to be born. Best of luck to you.

bprice215

[JustPeachy]

OMG, when I read that, all I could think of is WTF!!!!!

I am certain that anything you may want to know about @#$,@#$!,#@!$ or%^$# is not only none of your business, it is none of mine

.

I cannot believe the audacity of this woman to tell you that anything you want to know about your siblings is none of your business! It is most certainly your business, as these are your biological brothers and sisters!! I understand if they don't want to pursue a relationship, but they should be made aware of your wanting contact and decide for themselves and respond to you with much more kindness and empathy!

but the threat you pose to this family is too great for me to truly have any empathy for you

Ummm, what threat? And why would it be such a threat to her? If I got an email from you and you were my husbands biological sister, and I held the information from him, he would be FURIOUS. She has no right to not pass along your email and let your brother respond himself.

I would not contact her again. I would, however, consider reaching out to the other siblings directly, after weighing if it would even be worth it. It just makes me angry that they would deny you basic family info, medical info, family history, etc. You cannot force relationships with people who don't want them, and I know you are aware of that, but they can at least be civil. I also know that reunion can bring out a lot of anxiety, fear, and turmoil in people, but that is still no reason to act the way your brother's wife has acted.

I know you are new here, but you sound like a lovely woman. I was hoping you would get some good news. I wish you all the best going forward and please try not to take this personally. Obviously, they have some serious issues that they are not willing to face. Maybe one of the other siblings will be more receptive or maybe in time, they will soften their stance. I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

[MamaS]

Linda:
Perhaps you should write out an "Adoptee's Bill of Rights"
and send it to your family. Then maybe they would understand.
1. I have the right to all the information that was on my original birth certificate because it is MY information.
2. I have the right to medical information from my birthmother because it can affect my life and my biological children's lives.
3. I have the right to medical information from my birthfather because if can affect my life and my biological children's lives.
4. I have the right to personal contact with my biological mother so she can answer my questions regarding the circumstances of my adoption and so she can know whether the adoptive placement turned out well for me or whether I had a miserable life.
5. I have the right to establish personal contacts with other bio-relatives -- siblings, half-siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles -- because we have biological ties.
6. I have the right to make my existance public to my bio-family even if my bio-parent has not done so and does not wish to do so. (Any concerns the bio-parent has about damage to their marriage, their relationships with other children or family members, their standing in the community, etc. are of much less importance than my need to be recognized as a member of the bio-family.)
7. Regardless of the circumstances of my conception and birth and the era in which I was born, my bio-parent has no right to be ashamed of my birth. She should only be ashamed that she concealed my birth. She has no right to continue to conceal my existance after contact has been established.
8. I am an important human being and it is my right to live my life the way I choose -- free from any secrecy and stigma.

Good luck in your pursuit of truth!

[lacymarie]

I went through this exact same thing. I know honey. Its a big mess. And you do go through these ups and downs. It hurts so bad that you have a situation of your own, yet the people that you are in reunion with are complicating things by saying, think of my feelings and not your own. Me, I have had to learn the hard way. I was being rejected by my bsisters amom the entire time. After a while, I decided sc#ew this. Im going to find her anyway. I later learned that my bsister suffered from anxiety (which her afamily wasnt really trying to help make the process easier) and that her amom didnt even tell her I was searching. The entire situation didnt go well at all. But you know what dear, I did what everyone else was doing, I thought about MY feelings and what I needed and I at the least got a chance to speak with my sister. I know this is his wife, but I think that as an adult the brother has the right to to know, and you have the right to know!! So follow your heart! The worse that can happen is that he can say no, which would only prove him to be a product of his environment. And if it causes any turmoil, its not your fault. Whatever is in the dark will come to the light. This secret they are keeping is apart of the key that unlocks the answers for you. This will show them that sometimes honesty is the best policy. Your life is not taboo! She didnt abort you, yet you didn't choose to have this life. These are the consequences that she will face for living this lie. Best case scenario, you will be everything that he needs and he will welcome you with open arms. Keep in touch with me if you need to. I am always here as to be the best voice of reason I can be, and this is from personal experience. I don't think that it is fair that you are being sacrificed for someone who shared the exact same womb as you. This is your brother!!

[LMNGambino]

I wasn't going to reply again to her, but I did. I cleaned the snot from my face and sucked it up (not the snot) and said "You will NOT be treated like this." Im going to give it 24 hours, then contact all 4 siblings.
Here's what I sent her:

I have read and re-read your response, and now that my initial shock has worn off, I will give you my reaction- not that your arrogant response deserves anything other than "delete".

I gambled and lost when I contacted you. I thought it would be best to contact someone close enough to the family, someone who knew the family dynamics, someone who could have a bit of "empathy", and guide me as to whom would be the best person to approach.

I disagree with you on several points, namely this- MY family's medical history IS my business.

You wrote that you can't even tell me that their knowing me would actually change anything in my life or theirs. You are correct- YOU cannot tell me, only THEY can, and if they tell me they want no contact, then I will have no choice but to accept their decision. I mean, really- what's a little more rejection, huh?

"The threat I pose"- Really? That statement made my children and me laugh. Hmmm. Do the 2 of you think I want money? I have all the money I could ever want or need. Do you think I want to show up on Christmas with pressies for all & hang a stocking with my name on her mantle? No. (btw- she named me Claire Therese)

I want closure. My closure may be extremely painful for me, but at least I will know, and can move on. TWENTY TWO YEARS.

My "struggle" is one that almost every adoptee goes through. I have a need for medical information, but more importantly, the need to be known, the need to know the people with whom I share mitochondrial DNA. The need for the puzzle to be complete. I do not expect you to understand, you cannot possibly understand.

I will not contact you again, but I WILL contact my siblings some day.
____________________
God, I wish this site existed years ago. This is SUCH a Godsend to me.

[SWGAgirl]

People are so sanctimonious. They think acting superior hides how ignorant they are. Wrong......... as evidenced by your sister in law's insulting letter.

Well ...it appears Jessica has taken on the role of "Savior" of the family. She knows what is good for your mom, her husband and yes even YOU. How amazing! She appears to be very mean............and mean people suck.

The fact that she wrote back so quickly tells me that she hardly had time to think this out with any compassion for you at all. She just jumped on your mother's bandwagon of secrets and lies. That gains her brownie points with mom and who knows what else..........continued free housing, money, a baby sitter etc etc.

What people don't take time to realize is that what most of us adoptees are seeking has nothing to do with money. It has to do with connections and family and bloodlines and heritage that we aren't allowed to know.
People who aren't adopted take that for granted. They can't imagine how it feels NOT to know all this.

People are afraid of our motives- when most of the time our motives are nothing but pure.............just wanting to know a part of us that has been locked away from us.

I'm sorry that you got this letter. It's surprising that a woman of your sister in law's age would act in such an archaic manner. I'm sure she has her objectives and agenda that are behind all this.

I know you must just feel drained.

We all need to just think on this for a while. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

In the meantime............just BREATHE............

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Linda:
Perhaps you should write out an "Adoptee's Bill of Rights"
and send it to your family. Then maybe they would understand.
1. I have the right to all the information that was on my original birth certificate because it is MY information.
2. I have the right to medical information from my birthmother because it can affect my life and my biological children's lives.
3. I have the right to medical information from my birthfather because if can affect my life and my biological children's lives.
4. I have the right to personal contact with my biological mother so she can answer my questions regarding the circumstances of my adoption and so she can know whether the adoptive placement turned out well for me or whether I had a miserable life.
5. I have the right to establish personal contacts with other bio-relatives -- siblings, half-siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles -- because we have biological ties.
6. I have the right to make my existance public to my bio-family even if my bio-parent has not done so and does not wish to do so. (Any concerns the bio-parent has about damage to their marriage, their relationships with other children or family members, their standing in the community, etc. are of much less importance than my need to be recognized as a member of the bio-family.)
7. Regardless of the circumstances of my conception and birth and the era in which I was born, my bio-parent has no right to be ashamed of my birth. She should only be ashamed that she concealed my birth. She has no right to continue to conceal my existance after contact has been established.
8. I am an important human being and it is my right to live my life the way I choose -- free from any secrecy and stigma.

Good luck in your pursuit of truth!

This is awesome. Thank you for this!