[LMNGambino]

Hello! I found my birth mother & father 22 years ago, when I was 21 years old. I have met my bf & 1/2 sis on his side, have never met birthmom (her choice) and she has not told her other kids (1/2 bro 18 months younger than me & 3 other 1/2 sibs)

My "relationship" with her has been very strained, she has, on occasion, told me she could have had an abortion (gee thanks) and even refused to do a genetic test when I was diagnosed with a very rare type of breast cancer 8 years ago. BUT- she has always, at the end of every phone conversation we have ever had, asked me, "If I ever change my mind about telling my other children about you, will you still be there?" DUH. Of course. Ive waited this long....

Anyhoo, I called her last week, because the urge to make contact with my siblings has been very overwhelming lately. I have been dreaming about them, etc. Our conversation was pleasant, but when we were hanging up, I asked her if she had changed her mind about telling them. She said she has decided they do not need to know about me at this time. I have never come right out and asked her to tell them, either.

I told her that it had been almost 22 years, and that there will never be a "right time", and that I really needed closure. She told me that it was not about me, and that she got her closure when she signed the final papers, and that I should not "upset her apple cart", lol.
I told her that it WAS about me, and that I felt it would be best for all parties if the news came from her. She said she wouldnt, and that I would not ever have a relationship with her if I did this. I told her I had weighed that risk, and that since I do not have one with her now, I wouldnt be out anything, and if my siblings decide to not have anything to do with me b/c I went against her wishes, that was a risk I was willing to take.
So, I know their names, where they live, etc. How do you suggest I go about this? Email? Phone call? Myspace? (yes...I am myspace friends with my 1/2 brother, but he does not know who I am)
BTW- all my sibs are close to age 40, so it's not like they are teenagers.
Any help would be soooooo appreciated!
Thanks again.

[winter444]

Wow, 22 years!!!

I feel very strongly about this subject and I know exactly how you feel, I too was actually dreaming about my 1/2 siblings on bmom's side, LONGED to contact them, it all just hurt so badly and i could not just go on and forget them. They were not supposed to ever know about me, it would ruin bmom's life...(charming) contact with bmom went kaput pretty quickly, no feelings were supposed to be shown.
I thought it over, never wanted to be an old lady and look back and wished I had contacted them, I figured if they just didn't want contact it should be their decision, no one elses.
This is what I did, found out their addresses and wrote them all letters, now I did find one sibling on myspace so emailed her and at first said I was a relative and did I have her correct address as I'd like to send her a letter, she emailed back, sure please write. she is so happy I made contact, we have talked on the phone for hours, we laugh, we cry.
I needed to contact them, for me, why should we suffer this way. At least they will know I exist and it's up to them what they want to do. They don't need to be protected from us, we are their sister for crying out loud.
Honestly, I say go ahead and contact your siblings, it is a terrible feeling to be THE secret.
You have waited so very long for this, even talked to your bmom about contacting them, you have really been so patient and are doing nothing wrong.

I know I was so frightened of rejection I put the letters off for months but am so glad I finally took the plunge.
good luck with whatever you decide, I understand totally.

[LMNGambino]

Thank you so much for your reply!
I have really struggled with this over the years. I have tried to make sure that my motives not some deep seated revenge/spite thing, which, if that were the case, I would have contacted them years ago. I have also struggled, thinking, "Gosh- is my need for closure going to ruin an entire family?"

My friends and family have been nothing but supportive, and tell me what I know deep down- that I need these last pieces of the puzzle to feel whole & that I am a great person and deserve to be known.

My shrink thinks it's still the R word (rejection, lol) that I am afraid of, and Im sure it is. I am going to do it, but I just dont know what is the appropriate way! That being said, there may just not be an appropriate way.
Thansk again!

[cksmom]

You have the patience of a saint! I think you should contact them too. They may actually help your bmom heal and get to a better place. Who knows, it may help your relationship with her. I'm guessing. I am very new at this reunion stuff.

I found my bmom 2 months ago, went great for about 3 weeks with emailing back and forth and then she said she didn't want to communicate. My 1/2 brother and sister have "known about me for years". I really, really want to reach out to them now. I don't want to wait for her.

I don't think we should have to. Everyone is grown adults. I really hate that some adoptees have to sit and suffer while some bmoms deal with their issues.

Let us know what happens! If you do it, I may do it too!

[cetalley]

I am a firstmom, yet to find my twin sons, whom are now 22. I have a son who is 29, and he will be the first to tell you, how big on honesty I am. I have always said , when I find my sons...what ever they need from me I will give..honesty ..yes...! It really is about you ( the child whom had no voice)...so Please tell your firstmom you appreciate her on so many levels...but you have to do what is in your heart. Let her know she can always find you, when she is ready again. Life really is too short and there are no guaranteed tomorrows...GODS Blessings and my prayers...

[LMNGambino]

Kerry- My reunion was very similar. Everything went very well for the first month or so, then she pulled way back. Again, this was almost 22 years ago, and I myself was only 21.

After she pulled away the first time, it was almost 2 years until she contacted me again. Since then, we talk on the phone, maybe once every 3 years.

She once told me she could not accept me as an adult..that I would always be the baby in the corner of the nursery that she was not allowed to hold. Typing that still brings tears to my eyes.

I cannot understand that, as I am not a birthmom, but I try to understand & accpet it. I cannot accept her other reasons, as they are more like excuses to me. She says she doesnt want her children to know she was not a virgin when she married their father. (4 months after I was born. He knew about me, but not my bf) She also does not want to interrupt their "birth order", which to me, is a ridiculous argument. I do not share a history with my siblings, so there was no rivalry, etc.

It's time, though. Its been 22 years. I have come a very long way in this journey, and have really come to grips with my adoption story, and I feel I am very close to feeling as close to whole as I can, and finding them will help tremendously.

I talk to my BF twice a year, and have visited him twice. I also speak with my half sister on his side. They are not "family" like my adopted family is, but they are a wonderful addition to my life, and I am so thankful for that.

Give her time- it's VERY early for her, and she is probably dealing with all those emotions that have resurfaced from your birth.
-Linda

[LMNGambino]

Originally Posted by cetalley

Please tell your firstmom you appreciate her on so many levels...but you have to do what is in your heart. Let her know she can always find you, when she is ready again. Life really is too short and there are no guaranteed tomorrows...GODS Blessings and my prayers...

Thank you so much for your perspective. I have always been very appreciative to her, because I am. I always try to never make her feel guilty, but also not rub in the fact that I did have a great life. I always was afraid to talk to much about my family, as I didnt want to appear as if I was rubbing salt in her wounds. I think it's something most adoptees do...we're so afraid to lose her again. My opinion, of course.

[winter444]

Just wanted to add, at the beginning of Troy Dunn's "The Locator" series, ( about locating birth parents/siblings etc) he says.....

"Without all the pieces there can be no peace"

[mymotherssacrifice]

This is about you, you need to in a respectful way do what is best for you. I think it is great that you are respecting your birth mother, but I don't think it is her call, she has these imagined fears, but don't make the mistake many do and wait for her to die before you try to contact your sibblings. I love the show the Locator, and on it in the intro it says finding the missing pieces is needed to find peace and I think your sibblings are the missing piece for you. I have a weird birth story but am actively looking for a half sister that most likely does not know I exist. Maybe you're half sibling won't want anything to do with you, most likely you will bond over how bizarre your bio mother is and they will be upset that they didn't know about you. Really what do you have to lose? Right now you don't have contact with them, so that is the worst would be them not wanting contact which is exactly where you are now. You ask a good question of what the best way would be, I often think about that if I were to find my half sister. I would guess that partly has to do with what would mean the most to you, would a phone call be your best avenue of talking to them, or are you a person that expresses yourself in writing more and would rather put your heart on the line and wait for them to in return contact you? Personally I am a letter writter but I'd call, I would love to hear my sisters voice. I'm so sorry your birth mother said what she did, obviously she is not a very deep or loving person, she is missing the point of why God put her on the earth. That is all about her and not about you. We were innocent babies, we should not have to be greatful to be here because others made choices they wished they could take back. Good luck and take care.

Amanda

[JustPeachy]

She said she has decided they do not need to know about me at this time.

I'm actually amazed at this statement. These are grown people that she is making decisions for! You've given her a lot of time and have shown great respect for your birthmom's wishes, but I think you need to do this for YOU.

I know it must be very difficult for your birthmom, espeically given that she was from the closed era of adoption. Has she gotten any counseling at all over the years?

[LMNGambino]

Yeah...she can be pretty cold. She told me she joined a writers group, and confided in her older sister years ago, but I dont know if she has gone to any counseling.
I have tried to let her know I somewhat understand the stigma, but it's hard, not having lived in that era. Plus, the fact my bf was married does not help the situation in her mind.

I got pregnant right out of high school in 1983, and there still was some shame involved, but adoption was not an option for me, as there was no way I could play another role in this triad.

I guess what Im trying to say, is that even though I am HUGE believer in destiny.My adoption story is pretty unique, as she lived in Kentucky at a Cath.Charity maternity home til her 8th month, then was shipped to Ohio, where I was born. Kentucky wanted me to go to a Ky family, as that is where her journey began, but Ohio fought it, b/c I was born there. I spent 4 1/2 months in a Ky foster home until Ohio "won". She has told me over and over again that I should be grateful for my family & my life, as she gave them to me. I have always "thanked" her, even though it seemed so strange that she seemed to be asking for applause for doing something that has caused me pain. So conflicting....

I have always sensed this was a guilt tactic on her part, as a defense mechanism of sorts, but Im over it.

I have given her 22 years to "spill the beans", and she has not. I have only been angry at her once, when she refused to give a vial of blood to participate in a breast cancer gene study. I told her if she wouldnt do it for me, to do it for her "real" daughter. I told her that I was glad she gave me up, b/c I cannot imagaine being raised by someone so selfish. I have 3 daughters. I asked her to do it for them, too. Nada. It was 3 years after that happened that we spoke again.

It has been 2 weeks since that phone call. I am going to add my sibs (three 1/2 bro's and one 1/2 sis)on Facebook, (I already have 1 1/2 bro on my Myspace friend's list, but he hasnt logged in since August)and take it from there....wish me luck.
Linda

[terrirose9]

I kind of feel where you are at. My birthmom had different reasons for dealying information. I met my birthmom when I was 15 3/4. My a-folks were NOT happy about it to say the least! But still allowed a reunion "to shut me up" as my a-dad put it. I had wanted to meet her for sometime. I knew I had a decission to make going into my 3 week stay with my b-mom and 4 1/2 sibs (all girls). I had been told this was it. After my return, no contact till I was 18 and no longer lived with them. I am assuming they had talked and changed their mind during my visit. When I returned I was confronted with "are you going back" Which was NOT an option when I left. Long story short. They after unknow conversations between them. A-mom and a-dad. Thy asked my b-mom of she wanted me back. I went to live with her and my sisters and neverregreted it once. My youngest sister was just 5 and really doesn't remember me not being there. Now why I started this. Sorry went off on a tangent. Since I was 15 3/4 my b-mom wouldn't give me enough info about my b-dad to find him till I was 18 and older. It was a good idea with all that happened from 15 3/4 till 18. I actualy didn't press for the info till I was 19. I had a boyfriend. But it is your right and they are adults as are you. Good luck with it all.

[hrisme]

I agree with others, they are adults and certainly mature enough to make decisions for themselves. I would simply send a letter or an e-mail, let them know that your birthmother has requested she not contact you but you feel they have the right to know the truth & would like to hear from them if they were willing. Not only that, but you have medical information that could affect your biological siblings! That's worth contacting them about, if for no other reason .

[EZ2Luv]

LMNGambino,

After reading your posts your Bmom sound just like my own bmom. The only thing difference is that I knew my bmom all my life just had no idea she was my bmom. I also gre up knowing her subsequent children(my half sibs) only as my cousins. Sadly she went her grave without the courtesy of ever telling me or her children. To me this is VERY selfish of them. I know she would have definately gotten an abortion if she was able to because she had said many times how she wished abortion was legal years ago cause she would have gotten one "if" she ever got pregnant out of wedlock but because she was a "good girl" that never happened. I guess my bmom believed her own lies and chose to live in a fantasy. You must understand that these type of women are selfish, only think of themselves and make it all about THEM.
This on the contrary IS all about you! As adoptees we are the victims of the choices adults made. It is our RIGHT to know who we are and who shares our DNA.
Please do what you need to do now and if that means contacting your bsibs with out you bmom permission or approval.
You are an adult and do not need permission to do what you need to do for your own peace of mind.
Your bmom is afraid of having to ownup to her past decisions. This is nOT your problem. You have given this woman ample time to take responsibilty and own up to reality.

What happened in my situation was when I did find my bfamily bmom had been dead for a few years. Because she never told her children about me, when I did tell them who I was I was met with hostility and rejection and basically called a liar.

The thing is I waited almost 3 years after finding bmom's identity to tell them yet they refused to believe me and refused any type of relationship.

Had my bmom been honest with them so much pain would have been spared.
The worse that can happen if you do contact them right now is your bmom might be mad at you because now her raised kids might start asking her questions.

Do yourself a favor and do not continue to enable bmom to continue this lie. You owe it to yourself to possibly have a great relationship with your siblings. IMO your bmom bmom is being selfish and only thinking of herself.
She is also robbing her raised shildren of knowing you.
This is wrong on so many levels.
You have bene more than patient in waiting foe your bmom to come clean.
If I seem judgemental it is only because I have lived through the negative repercussions of lies and deciet of a selfish bmom who refused to keep me a secret.

EZ

[bprice215]

I'd contact my birth siblings as soon as I could if I were you. I am amazed at how people think because they did something years ago that they'd lose the love of their children. Contact them yesterday because this is more about you and what you want and need than it is about her and her selfish needs. I am a birth father and I never even considered hiding the fact that I had an adopted daughter. Best of luck with your contact.

bprice215