[didi20]

when did you feel that it didn't hurt too much to think about your adoption? does it ever happen? any advice at all on how to cope with it? i don't have a clue and i feel like it hurts too much to think about so i bottle it up and every time i am forced to think about it i cry and cry and cry til i can't anymore...how can i make peace with it? i have an ed from bottling up my feelings for so long and i don't even know how to think about it anymore...my ed therapist told me i'd never beat ed without making peace with this...please any advice? i don't know what to do i just know it hurts...

[BlackSheep]

didi20-
I won't lie to you and say that there is a magic answer to getting the pain to stop, or that it will ever entirely go away, but it can get better.

Bottling up your feeling won't help in the long run as you have found out. The feelings will just come back and will come back with even more force and be even more overwhelming.

For me, acceptance was the first step. There was absolutely nothing that I could do myself to change the situation I have lived. Others made that decision for me and I wasn't in a position as a newborn to have any "say" in what happened to me. Also, I had Christ in my life to help guide me along the way. I don't know if religion is a part of your life, but I have found it to be a great comfort in my life.

Education about adoption and psychological issues has also help to heal me and accept myself. I am not the only one in the world that feels the way that I do! Nothing is WRONG with me and others feel the same! How freeing! There are many books available on the psychological issues that face adoptees and others in the triad.

I am slowly working through all the other feelings that go on and how I react to others that is NOT the way others would. I feel abandoned when that is not the intent, etc. This is a life-long journey and there are times when I wonder if I will be able to get through the next situation without cracking up, but I do and I am better and stronger for each one.

Is this easy? NO, but you can do it. You do have all of us to turn to when you need any support whatsoever. We are here and we know the feelings you are feeling.

[Dickons]

Didi,

Does the pain ever go away? Yes and no, yes the degree of pain gets less, but no it does not ever go away completely, rather you must find peace with it so that it can find a place in your heart, so that you can be open to all the love around you and have a good life.

You need to find the way to work through your loss of your birth family. Some adoptee's feel the loss more than others, everyone is different and all feelings are valid and have been felt by others too.

You need to find what will give you peace, find an outlet for your pain and grief over losing your birth family. Do you need to find your birth family or know you tried? Start or join a support group for others in the same place? Work towards changing laws relating to adoption? Become a child advocate? Work with adoptees as a counsellor? Understand and embrace your heritage?

Knowledge is how I find peace for what happens in my life (not just being adopted), the more I know the better I can understand and deal with. Figuring out what works for you is trial and error which is the reason you came here.

I hope others can give you something more than I. Search the internet for information, its a good starting place.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[hrisme]

I think I can honestly say that in my individual case, the pain has gone away. Their is still grief about my loss, occasionally still some anger, and sometimes sadness, but not the gut-wrenching pain that used to be there. This has not been a sudden change, but a gradual process over the last few years. For several years being an adoptee was a central part of my life, now it is just one aspect among many that defines me.

Have you tried journaling? Set aside some time each day (I would suggest 30 minutes to an hour, no more) to write out your feelings. If you can't write, draw, or scribble, or doodle, anything will do. During this time allow yourself to express your feelings freely, cry as much as you need to, whatever it takes to comfort yourself. I would hug myself, curl up in a ball, and rock back and forth when it was bad. After your "time" is up, take a few minutes to compose yourself, reassure yourself you can come back to the pain any time, then let it go. That takes some practice, but eventually it does work. Meditations and/or visualizations can help, I developed my own meditation which I called "Put it on the shelf", I would assign each feeling an "object", visualize a shelf, and place the object on the shelf where I could go back to it at a later time. Some have found it helpful to picture a box, but for me that was too stiffling--I can hide boxes and never go back to them, but the shelf is open reassuring me that I can come back to it & it will still be there.

Keep working closely with your therapist. Does he/she have experience with grief & loss issues?

[didi20]

Thank you all so much for the advice!! I don't know what does work for me or even how to control my feelings...right now i haven't accepted it and i'm not ok with it...i constantly make jokes about it and pretend that i'm not really adopted...i never talk about it so i feel like i found out all over again if that makes sense...i am not seeing my therapist anymore because my insurance cut me off and i'm a full time student so i can't afford it...i am going to try writing again...i did it as a teenager in creative writing but my afamily responded in a very hurtful way saying they hope i dont' really feel that way...i am scared to write because i'm scared to let it out because i know that when i let even a little out the gut wrenching pain that comes with it and it makes me feel worse because i know i will never get the answers to my questions...and that hurts even more...

as far as books and searches...i am open to a book but i am very sensitive to any books that talk about reunion so i haven't really looked into them...i'm scared to read also because i know how much pain it will bring...and i don't want to hurt like that so i just push it away...i feel very sensitive and angry by reunions currently and i don't want to continue to feel like that...i feel that a reunion for me is impossible both because i'm not sure if i want to search and because i'm angry and feel that i'm not good enough because my bmom doesn't miss me enough to come back for me...maybe she forgot about me...i still fantasize everyday about her just being there standing with open arms telling me that she does love me and she does miss me...and that hurts too...this is by far the most painful and difficult thing i've ever dealt with and i don't know how...i don't want to feel this way and i don't want to have an ed anymore...i've successfully closed myself off and don't let anyone in because i'm scared...that led me to ed and now i just feel hopeless and lost and want it to stop hurting so much...

so any tips on feeling more open towards reunion comments or mabe books would be great! thanks so much i'm glad to know there's nothing wrong with me for feeeling like this

[Queenie312]

Didi

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you feel. We've all been there and know what you are going through. Unfortunately I think what many of us have learned is that there is no way of dealing with the pain and grief of any kind of loss other than feeling it and going through it. It's definitely not an easy thing to do. And there is not just one magic thing that works for everyone. You do have to find what works best for you. And you don't have to think about a reunion right now. I would try and deal with all of your other feelings and grief first and when you've hopefully come to an acceptance or a place of healing then deal with any reunion issues at that time. You weren't in control at the beginning of this journey but you are in control now and you need to do whatever it is that is going to help you and try not to worry about anyone else. I know that is easier said than done but you need to take care of yourself. Keep coming here, keep reading, keep posting and reach out to anyone you need to to help. We are all here for you and you are not alone!!!

[didi20]

I feel very relieved to hear that I dont have to think about a reunion right now...i want to take control of this i don't know how to accept it or grieve it anytime i think about it i feel like its too painful and i just want to never think about it again so i don't feel that pain again...any advice on how others got to acceptance or went through grieving? i've only come up with ed which is just making it worse...I'm only at the very beginning right now with trying to feel ok that i'm adopted because up until now...even now i feel like i don't want to be and i want to ignore it...so for now i want to work on starting with changing that...i have no idea how to do it...but i want to try...Everyone has really made it comforting to talk about on here and i appreciate that because even coming here to post takes a lot for me to do...it took me a while to even look for something like this...so unfortunately i'm moving very slowly...

[LMNGambino]

Oh, sweetie...I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Most of us have all been there. I will say this, as cliche as it sounds, is that KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

You are obviously stronger than you even realize, as you have come here to seek answers and speak with people who know what you are going through. that is a VERY smart thing to do. I have been through therapy, and even though it has been very helpful, it isnt as helpful as talking with people who have gone through the same emotions.

You can get a lot of knowledge from books, too. You dont have to think about a reunion now. I think (and this is just my opinion) that it's important to get a bit more in touch with yourself & your feelings about your story and knowing/hearing/reading of other people's experiences is really helpful. Sort of like, "OMG, I totally get that- been there, done that." The books I read & meetings with other adoptees really helped me heal. I didnt feel alone, and it was so nice to know I was not "crazy" for having the feelings I did.

I just made my first posts on this site tonight, and wow- do I wish I would have had this resource 22 years ago. But, Al Gore had not invented the internet back then, lol.

[Dickons]

Didi,

You never have to search unless it is something you wish to do and are ready to do it.

It is really hard to recommend books. The books I have read are really focused on the closed era of domestic adoption. I read The Primal Wound and The Girls who went Away. I started to read The Primal Wound and stopped and read The Girls who went away first. I needed to understand what my mother went through based on her reality, not todays reality.

What I do know is that the majority of birth mothers would have done just about anything to not have to surrender their child, but at that point in their life they had no real choice in the matter. Giving up a child is something no parent should ever have to do, but it happens and it hurts everyone, but is done in the hopes of giving the child a better life.

It may help you to pop over to the birth parents forum and read about how they have struggled and are still struggling with the pain of giving up their child. They may also have words of wisdom to share with you in your journey to find yourself.

Personally I love the idea of writing to find peace. I hope you will pursue this avenue.

Never ever feel that you are wrong to feel this pain, it is normal, the challenge is to face it and find the path to acceptance of the past and a way to heal.

Your birth mother may not have physically searched for you, but never doubt she thinks about you, mourns for what could have been, and hopes that you have a good life she was not able to give you for whatever reason.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[lacymarie]

Please tell me, what part of this is hurting you? Where is the pain coming from? have you ever thought that maybe your bmom is just as afraid to come looking for you as you are to go looking for her. Being adopted doesnt make you less of a person, it just means that you got a second chance at having a descent life. So again, I ask, what part of this is hurting you. You have totol control over this. You have the power to turn these feeling of hurt into something soooo triumphant. So, please, do not allow this to get you down. Keep your head up!!

[didi20]

I really appreciate everyone's support on here..I'm so new at this that i'm afraid to offend anyone and if i do i just want to say its only because I haven't accepted anything yet and its not on purpose...

what hurts me? everything even just reading these posts and posting always has me hysterically crying...i am angry and can't forgive her for not coming back for me even though i'm grateful for my afamily and my wonderful life...i'm angry and jealous of anyone adopted or not who knows what their bfamily looks like and why they are the way they are...i get so angry and jealous and just feel like its so unfair that i don't care how rude or stupid or mean i sound...i hurt because i love her so much and continue to fantisize about the day she'll be waiting for me with open arms and hug me and tell me she loves me and has missed me everyday...i am angry and hurt that i will never meet her and never get the answers to my millions of questions...i am angry that it hurts so much i don't know how to deal with it...and it makes me just not want to think about it ever again...i feel like no one will ever pick me first to love or to keep because she didn't...its a struggle for me even to get on here and read or post because i know how much it hurts...i'm angry because the more i talk about it the worse my ed gets...i'm mad because i don't know how to deal other than my ed and i can't seem to find any adoptees with eds that could help me...i don't know if any of that made sense but that is just how i feel...i want it to stop hurting so much...i'm afraid to forgive her because i don't want to let her go and i think if i forgive her i'll forget her...i also feel like i can't forgive her...i'm don't want to wish i wasn't adopted because i do...again i'm sorry if this sounds like i'm an awful person...and i really do appreciate all the advice and support i'm just trying so hard to learn how to accept it and it just hurts every time i think about it...i've become so good at bottling it up or taking it out with my ed that i dont even really know how to access my feelings about it...

[lacymarie]

Another question. Why do you count out the possibility of ever meeting her? Please consider that maybe she is afraid of the hurt of rejection. I was rejected. There is a lot of pain behind it. Either way, you are complete without her!! If you want to know her, its on your watch. Find out some info. I found my adopted sister without anyone's help and didnt pay a dime. Maybe I can help you.

[didi20]

I know that you mean the best and please don't be offended by this but I am so hurt and haven't accepted or forgiven her and right now i feel its not possible because I feel that the only way I can forgive her is in my fantasy of her coming back for me an admitting she made a mistake...I know i need to get over that but right now its the only answer for me...I hope that makes a little sense...

[wishfulthinker]

That makes a lot of sense. You need to come to terms with and work out your own feelings before making any decisions about reunion.

[cksmom]

Originally Posted by didi20

I really appreciate everyone's support on here..I'm so new at this that i'm afraid to offend anyone and if i do i just want to say its only because I haven't accepted anything yet and its not on purpose...

what hurts me? everything even just reading these posts and posting always has me hysterically crying...i am angry and can't forgive her for not coming back for me even though i'm grateful for my afamily and my wonderful life...i'm angry and jealous of anyone adopted or not who knows what their bfamily looks like and why they are the way they are...i get so angry and jealous and just feel like its so unfair that i don't care how rude or stupid or mean i sound...i hurt because i love her so much and continue to fantisize about the day she'll be waiting for me with open arms and hug me and tell me she loves me and has missed me everyday...i am angry and hurt that i will never meet her and never get the answers to my millions of questions...i am angry that it hurts so much i don't know how to deal with it...and it makes me just not want to think about it ever again...i feel like no one will ever pick me first to love or to keep because she didn't...its a struggle for me even to get on here and read or post because i know how much it hurts...i'm angry because the more i talk about it the worse my ed gets...i'm mad because i don't know how to deal other than my ed and i can't seem to find any adoptees with eds that could help me...i don't know if any of that made sense but that is just how i feel...i want it to stop hurting so much...i'm afraid to forgive her because i don't want to let her go and i think if i forgive her i'll forget her...i also feel like i can't forgive her...i'm don't want to wish i wasn't adopted because i do...again i'm sorry if this sounds like i'm an awful person...and i really do appreciate all the advice and support i'm just trying so hard to learn how to accept it and it just hurts every time i think about it...i've become so good at bottling it up or taking it out with my ed that i dont even really know how to access my feelings about it...

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Your pain and perception of your adoption is very similar to my brother's. Your birthmom did not keep you because something was wrong with you. Chances are she did want you very much and knew she couldn't handle it. I think you need to understand that she couldn't come back for you. She signed her rights away, as hard as that had to be. She obviously made the decision and knew she had to stick to it. This has nothing to do with you. You were perfect and wonderful.

Also, when you are ready, look for her. There is a very good chance you will find her. But I think you need to do much healing before then to prepare you. You MUST be prepared for a less than perfect reunion. It happens all the time and once again, it's not about you, it's the b-mother struggling with her own feelings of guilts, shame, depression, fear etc. There of course are very positive, open arms reunions BUT be prepared for anything. This is where I am and struggling. I found her, made contact and things were going great and then she pulled out. So now I wait. I *know* this is not about me but she is dealing with 38 years of pain, I represent all that pain. She is also afraid of losing her life since my birth.

So please know, reunion is hard. waiting is hard. not knowing is hard. Please work through it with a therapist and/or coming here and reading and posting. I just joined and already feel so much better just being here.