[Mil]

I think the suggestion above that you work out some of your feelings before you even consider searching is a good one. As you get older and mature, you may work out your feelings. Then maybe you'll be ready to search - or maybe you'll never want to, it's up to you.

Let me tell you something as a birthmother myself. Maybe your birthmother hasn't looked for you as many birthmother feel they don't have the right to look for a child they relinquished. Many feel they don't want to interrupt a child's life, so they wait to see if the child looks for them. I never looked for my son (didn't feel I had the right) but he found me. I was thrilled! I've loved him all my life and was always hopeful that I'd get the chance to at least meet him and know that he was alright and had a happy childhood. But I got more than that - I'm now an active part of his life. Your birthmother may feel the same way if you ever found her. Reunion is a really scary thing. Some work out well - others don't. Get in touch with your feelings and your decision to search or not will follow.

[LMNGambino]

I hope you are feeling better. You have received some great replies, and some have helped me in my current situation.

For me, the pain is still there, but it has become dull. There are times and situations, where it comes back & it's pretty sharp, but I know it will be ok.

As I have aged, I realize that things that I thought I would never recover from were actually learning experiences for me. I learned about other people, but more importantly, about myself.

I dont want to diminish your feelings, but you dont know she hasn't looked for you. If you decide to search & are reunited, you may find your answers.

It is so important to get in touch with yourself before a search. You need to be ok with yourself, and know that, YES- someone WILL pick you first! You are worthy. You are not a mistake. It's so hard to get to that point, though, after living your entire life thinking the opposite.

My heart hurts for you & Im sure all of the readers feel the same way, as we've all had those feelings before.

You're going to be fine, and you will figure all of this out. By reading and posting here, by a therapist who specializes in adoption issues (and they are out there, you just have to call and google around) and by reading books.
Its not fun, and the process can be painful, but the end results can be amazing. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to figure out just how amazing you are!!!
Linda

[didi20]

Do you or did you ever feel like you just want to give up and put all these feelings back in that little bottle that never gets opened...I feel like i can't do it anymore...i just started school again and all these feelings are making my ed worse and i'm having and i just want to put it away again...it just hurts too much and it feels like its too hard and literally impossible to ever forgive her...i just want it to go away i wish i could just close my eyes and it would all be better...i'm tired of all the hurt and not feeling any relief i just want to give up...